I need to acknowledge and continue working on accepting

that I was sexually abused

that we were sexually abused.

I could deny and say I never experienced sra.

I could deny and say my father never sexually abused me.

I could easily deny those things, after all, those memories can’t be real. I frequently go back and forth between real and not real, true and I’m crazy (my mind is crazed and has a life of its own will to fuck me up).

I could minimize the abuse by a male peer (almost a year older) growing up. I can’t deny some of those memories, because a few of them (at least pieces of them) were never forgotten. I could twist the truth into the shape and form of “kids experimenting” when it absolutely wasn’t that at all. That’s what the parents believed and we remained silent and agreeing when the parents found out because our brother told. So I could try to sway myself into that and deny my way into that, except I remember clearly saying No, but the memory of the No is only recalled after the parents found out and after we were tricked by him and locked in his garage. The fear is that I/we didn’t say No before the parents found out. I still perceive that it was abuse and high manipulation accompanied by already being a victim of my father’s and probably by then already a victim of the sra cult. Oh wait, but none of that applies if it is all denied and not considered. I have such a fear that we were so fucked up by then that we wanted the sex in all those grown up and disgusting ways at 6, 7, 8 years old. But I know that no ordinary, non abused child, would want that. So if I deny my father’s abuse, the sra abuse, then that leaves me with the peer abuse as the only thing that happened to me/us. Except it can’t be the only thing, because no ordinary, non abused child would want true grown up sex in all ways possible, even with another child. And if the peer abuse really wasn’t abuse at first and just some fucked up child (me/us) wanting sex in grown up and disgusting ways and agreed to do this with the boy who pushed to have sex in all these ways, it still means that one or both of the father’s abuse and sra abuse is real and true, because something had to have happened to get me/us to agree (if we did) or want (if we did) grown up sex in all ways possible that was very disgusting. I still view it as abuse, but I fear so much that I hide behind that. That it wasn’t really abuse and how dare I call it that, because after all, it was just kids experimenting and I must have wanted it and agreed to it because I did it after all. And really, how can a peer have that much control over me? Continue reading ‘Acknowledgement and Acceptance’