Multiple Reflections

I need to acknowledge and continue working on accepting

that I was sexually abused

that we were sexually abused.

I could deny and say I never experienced sra.

I could deny and say my father never sexually abused me.

I could easily deny those things, after all, those memories can’t be real. I frequently go back and forth between real and not real, true and I’m crazy (my mind is crazed and has a life of its own will to fuck me up).

I could minimize the abuse by a male peer (almost a year older) growing up. I can’t deny some of those memories, because a few of them (at least pieces of them) were never forgotten. I could twist the truth into the shape and form of “kids experimenting” when it absolutely wasn’t that at all. That’s what the parents believed and we remained silent and agreeing when the parents found out because our brother told. So I could try to sway myself into that and deny my way into that, except I remember clearly saying No, but the memory of the No is only recalled after the parents found out and after we were tricked by him and locked in his garage. The fear is that I/we didn’t say No before the parents found out. I still perceive that it was abuse and high manipulation accompanied by already being a victim of my father’s and probably by then already a victim of the sra cult. Oh wait, but none of that applies if it is all denied and not considered. I have such a fear that we were so fucked up by then that we wanted the sex in all those grown up and disgusting ways at 6, 7, 8 years old. But I know that no ordinary, non abused child, would want that. So if I deny my father’s abuse, the sra abuse, then that leaves me with the peer abuse as the only thing that happened to me/us. Except it can’t be the only thing, because no ordinary, non abused child would want true grown up sex in all ways possible, even with another child. And if the peer abuse really wasn’t abuse at first and just some fucked up child (me/us) wanting sex in grown up and disgusting ways and agreed to do this with the boy who pushed to have sex in all these ways, it still means that one or both of the father’s abuse and sra abuse is real and true, because something had to have happened to get me/us to agree (if we did) or want (if we did) grown up sex in all ways possible that was very disgusting. I still view it as abuse, but I fear so much that I hide behind that. That it wasn’t really abuse and how dare I call it that, because after all, it was just kids experimenting and I must have wanted it and agreed to it because I did it after all. And really, how can a peer have that much control over me?

We were just ages 5 1/2-8 1/2 when we lived in the state where the peer abuse happened (peer abuse probably from about 6ish to 8 1/2), all forms and manners of sexual acts– oral, intercourse, anal sex, attempts to “sandwich me” with him using my younger brother to be a part of it. I don’t know if that attempt was ever completed as I don’t recall for sure one way or the other, but I wouldn’t doubt that he got his way. When we said grown up sex in all ways possible, we meant it.

And then time passes and I say I was sexually abused. Years of going back and forth, but gradually believing it most of the time. But still, the worry and wonderment that somehow I’m just wrong, bad, crazy, or have some fucked up need by my crazy mind that wishes to fuck me up and have me believe something that isn’t true even though I know I’m not making it up, but what if my crazy mind is making it up. And then things happen that can’t be explained and it disputes all these messages.

And we had another one of those things to happen, that purely nothing but having been sexually abused explains it. So it happened. Something did. We were sexually abused. I was sexually abused even though the I that writes really wasn’t, but I will say I was, since there is only one true external body here.
We were sexually intimate with someone. We managed to stay grown up during all of it. We even shock of shocks had a true orgasm. Huge shame in saying it, but fuck it. It’s said. Then the immediate aftermath that often happens during sex (with someone or by self) and before and after climax of some sort, except this time it happened immediately after we were done.

A sudden uncontrollable switch to a very young child, crying I think in her own way. It’s really fuzzy and hazy to me. I can see her covering her face a bit and making sounds or something as though crying but I don’t think any tears came. I think she may have been practically hyperventilating or something… a type of fear sound that is hard to describe. I barely can remember and I don’t really remember. It’s like I’m squinting and trying hard to see and hear something that I’m too far away from to really know what happened. Usually we have a child that will come out and shake the body violently back and forth (enough force to have a scrunchie come flying out of our hair) as though trying to shake and make the reality of it go away or to get it off of her or just having an intense freak out and unable to handle the overwhelming emotions, experience or memory or reliving of it, etc. I’m not sure what is behind the violent shaking of the body in whole or just violent shaking of our head only. I just know it happens, although I don’t think it happened this time. Just a really young child freaking out though. We got Emmie bear and were told that we were safe and good, over and over we were told grounding and comforting things by the person we were with.

When these types of things happen, I can’t deny that I was, we were sexually abused. I mean how does one explain this kind of reaction by anything else? It also makes denying the multiplicity so very hard. For the most part, we believe the multiplicity, but sometimes we start going down the denial path inside, but we don’t go as far as we once did in the past. And when things like this happen, it just adds to the difficulty of denying. It is real. We are real.

Of course now that we’ve said all of this so bluntly, directly, grown-upish, and everything. Now that the reality is sinking in that we really probably are going to actually publish this, the images from others inside come pouring in of self-harming, as well as the strong urges. The need to cut is strong, although they took it away suddenly, but I can still tell that the urges and need are there. Someone inside suggested we just eat a whole package of peeps candy and just stuff ourselves with sugar. I know, none of these options are healthy. At the same time, a part of me doesn’t care. We do what we have to do to survive fucking telling. How dumb is that. This is hardly telling anything so big and yet it is so hard to write what we’ve written. Yet on another level, it seems like we’re ready and taking a step forward.

So I’m/we’re acknowledging this here publicly and working on accepting it.

I am, we were, sexually abused.

Hmmm… interesting. That should have been stated as

I was, we were, sexually abused.

I don’t think in terms of ‘I’ when thinking or writing these statements. I totally disengage from the I mind frame and think in terms of ‘we’ and would only use ‘we’ when saying or writing such statements. However, I know that I’m supposed to use ‘I’ when saying or writing these things, especially for acknowledging it, even if I don’t identify with it as it applying to me personally, it is still the right thing to say. So it makes me wonder who inside or how many inside were the one/s who wrote or were behind the statement of “I am sexually abused.” Of course, it could have just been an odd grammar error or some other language slip-up, but I have to wonder if it was a revealing truthful unconscious slip up of some kind. It really stands out to me that there are clearly some stuck in the past. Of course I knew this about some inside, but this language slip-up really seems to validate that to me.