We have to leave very soon to the mother’s house. In fact, we really shouldn’t be spending time blogging right now, but rather getting ready to leave and on our way. I just get so tired of my mother’s ill health and that she looks to me for help. I know she is trying to extend herself and seek resources elsewhere instead of to just me. She occasionally resorts to asking my brother.
And I had already planned on being at my mother’s house today– she needed help with some house cleaning and I know she’ll give me a little bit of money for it or compensate me in some way and I could really use that right now. Unfortunately we tend to take much, much longer than needed to clean her house and so we’ll be working hard on not going overboard with our OCD stuff and style of cleaning when we know things haven’t been deep cleaned in a long time. Plus so often we have to take so many breaks because just can’t stay focused or have the energy to keep plugging away at it. We never know if the ‘right ones’ inside will show up to just get the job done so we can leave.
So really since I was going to my mother’s house anyway and should have been there already (was supposed to have gone last night and stayed overnight), then I really shouldn’t be having these feelings of irritation and annoyance and anger or something. I’m not exactly sure what feelings they are, but they are negative, and I feel bad about having them as a reaction that she is ill and needs help.
The only thing I can figure out so far is that it triggers a lot for us because she needs taking care of and in a way, we’ve been doing that all our life. We know we’ll never be a daily nurse for her or anything when she can’t live alone anymore– we are not going to take care of her in that way. We just can’t do it and choose not to put ourselves through that. Perhaps if she had been a different mother to us growing up, we’d feel differently.
I feel so guilty for saying any of this. I know that feelings are feelings and they are allowed to just be and exist. It’s just I feel like such an awful person, an awful daughter, and so very bad for feeling any of this and having such negative thoughts about my mother, as she wasn’t all bad growing up, and she is better now that she is older.
But Billie just commented to me that she is better now that is sick and needing help and that she didn’t really begin changing for the “better” until she began getting sick 5 or so years ago and no longer had the energy to be bitchy and suddenly began needing a lot of help with things. I never realized this until Billie just commented about it. At the same time, I don’t want to fault her for being human and doing what she needed and needs to do in order to get her needs met. And I think with all her friends dying or people she grew up with in high school dying, along with her illnesses, that she has been facing death a lot more and that has changed her for the better.
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