Monthly Archive for March, 2008

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Therapy Crap

March 24, 2008 at 8:55 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) B.J., Billie and Julie. Tags: , , . 3 Comments

I just gotta say

Fuck Therapy! Fuck Therapists! Fuck IT ALL!!!

Yah that freaking makes me feel better.

And no I ain’t explaining right now cuz I don’t fucking want people thinking and not saying or thinking and saying what freaking whiny ass people we are who want and need and expect too damn much from therapists and therapy.  So when enough of us can deal with whatever people are gonna think or say then we’ll explain more.  

I will say that I’m tired of this therapy crap.  I’m tired of more or less getting screwed in some way.  I’m tired of not having shit ass money to pay for therapy.  I’m tired of it being the reason we get pushed the hell out the door of therapy when paying a low monthly fee towards accumulating therapy bill was cool for a lotta years.  The latest–basically told stay away until you have money to give us or until you get the right insurance.  This is basically told to us at the non profit agency place that won’t give us sliding scale because we have insurance but the co-pay is way too fucking much and they won’t slide scale the co-pay.  They also won’t let us make a low monthly payment towards the growing co-pay debt that we’d pay off some fucking day in the future.  But if we had insurance and lost our freaking ass insurance and had no insurance then they’d give us the sliding scale.  And I don’t care what they say but I know damn well Medicare pays more than what we’d be charged for that sliding scale based on our income if we had no insurance.  I saw their damn sliding scale chart a few weeks back.  But if we had no insurance when we first came to them and asked for help, they’d say sorry, no room, no space for that, go fuck yourselves and have a nice day and good fucking luck with your mental health crap.

Yah yah yah I know that ain’t what they really say but they basically are saying that when they have to turn people away.

The best thing yet– we can get 30 minute sessions for a little bit more than what we asked to pay for our co-pay.  And if we pay for two 30 minute sessions, it is less than one 50 minute session co-pay.  It ain’t that big of a discount but it still is less.  Go fucking figure and no you can’t have two 30 minute therapy sessions on the same day with our insurance.

So I don’t know, maybe we’ll go pay for a 30 minute session and I’ll bitch at Cec simply because I feel like bitching.  Not like she has any control over any of it.  I’d just like to explain to her why the fuck I’m saying fuck therapy and fuck therapists. Just fuck it all.

There’s this deal in our head that we always hear when shit like this happens: 

“Oh, it’s Julie.  She’ll be fine.  She’s fine.  It’s no big deal.”  It doesn’t fucking matter that we aren’t doing well, that therapy helps us keep a grip on things in life, that we fucking hurt, and just crap like that.  It always seems and feels like to us that they just “dismiss us” with a wave of their hand and just assume and decide that we’ll deal with it and we’ll be fine and it won’t be a fucking big deal to us.  That they wouldn’t do that to some other client but they’d do it to us because “we’re fine and can deal with it.”  Well, FUCK NO WE CAN’T FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!!

And yah I know we’re asking and wanting and expecting too damn much.  It takes money.  You need too much and expect and hope for too damn much when you only pay shit. 

I’m fucking frankly tired of the shit ass crap I’ve got to deal with inside when shit like this rolls down hill.  I don’t know all the crap but I sure as hell know more than any of the Julies know about.  IT SUCKS! It is FUCKING HARD.  And ya know we’ve been sucking it up in a lot of ways, well like maybe not to other people, but I think so, with all the bullshit and jerking around of therapists in the agencies that we’ve gone through since we lost Wendy.  So then we find Cec and we’re dealing with this crap.  And there’s that list of crap that Cec can’t or won’t meet our needs on and well, again, we need and ask and expect and want too fucking much and especially when we pay shit.  

The Julies called like well over a dozen therapists that are closer to us and so less of a commute and whatever.  Of course like nearly all of them had full caseloads and only a few of them took our insurance.  So we have a crap load more people to call.  We’ve gone through the referred list.  Now onto the damn phone book and just start asking the basic questions and creating a new list of names and numbers.  

I frankly don’t fucking know that our system is ever really gonna trust another therapist again to any degree.  We’ve been with Cec for over a year now and hardly anyone has really come out and talked with her.  Yah so some of us have shown up, but like tons and tons of people who’ve shown up in therapy over the years with Wendy haven’t even come close to coming out.  They don’t come close to the surface, it’s like just way deep and buried.  They stay the fuck away or cause problems within but behind the Walls and other things and basically ya can’t find out a damn thing and info stays locked inside.

I ain’t ever felt like this like I do now.  I seriously am questioning what the fucking point of trying to do therapy is.  WHY?!? Why the fuck bother when we basically get pushed out the door for some fucking reason or another.  The first time was because we needed “a therapy break” of who knows how the fuck long– one day it was 2 weeks the next fucking time it was a month or several months and the next time “maybe we don’t ever return.”  It kept fucking changing every damn time we turned around and she sure as hell knew we didn’t agree with her decision (yes, the therapist’s decision) we needed a therapy break.  We fought with her and basically begged and pleaded for an extension to not have it happen in the spring on us.  She agreed and extended the “deadline.”  Well we spent at least 6 months almost constant every session trying to not be forced to have this therapy break of unknown fucking time and determined entirely by her as to when or if we return.  Then some shit happened and we left and our therapist was pissed because we left her before she forced a “therapy break” on us.  FUCK HER.  She did a number of other fucked up things.  That was our first major therapist that spent any time with our system and first time our system really opened up.  We saw another therapist for a short time who first diagnosed us (so before that first therapist I told ya about) and so yah, she saw a few from our system, but we left her for varied reasons.

Then there was Wendy and our system over the years opened up to her and like tons of us showed up in some kind of way to communicate to her.  She put up with a shit load of crap from us.  But due to financial and insurance reasons we got referred out by her.  Never mind what we had set up for years financially that was working and never mind that we had spent 8 1/2 years with her for therapy.  Never mind we were being sent out to an agency with who knows what kind of therapist and what kind of knowledge they had on dealing with multiplicity.  Okay, whatever.   Bottom line: our system opened up to Wendy big time over the years, and some inside had just begun  finally after years of trying to get them to share, they had finally begun to talk and tell.  Then: leave me, go away.  I don’t care what you say. It doesn’t matter enough.  Leave me, go away.

So 2 long-term therapists our system opens up to and 2 therapists that basically tell us to leave and go away.  Yah so first therapist we left before she totally ditched us and the second therapist we begged and pleaded and went out the door kicking and screaming emotionally.  So now there’s Cec and the agency and we’ve basically been told the same thing.  Our system has slightly opened up and has tried hard to trust and open up to Cec, even though no matter how hard we try, in some ways it just ain’t budging no where.  Oh yah, I know, we just have to pay $200 a month for 4 regular 50-minute sessions.  They didn’t really kick us out or force us to leave.  You just can’t return and have an appointment until you can pay.

I fucking frankly figure that if we do go in and pay for one session that it’s gonna be a session towards saying good-bye to Cec, if and when we find another local therapist that we can arrange something with our insurance and co-pay amount.

And the big fucking fun ass thing about this– Well, you see…. we’ve been without our secondary insurance before… but we always do the paperwork and letters (eventually) and push to get that secondary insurance coverage.  Not only that, we make sure to get it back-dated.  So ya see, all of this co-pay shit becomes totally moot once that happens.  The two other times we’ve been in this “space” of no secondary insurance, they let it slide or let me ride through it and still see Cec while I waited for it to get re-instated.  But not this time.

I’m here now and need to go.  I don’t feel like talking about it really; it is what it is and there isn’t really anything we can do about it.  It’s exhausting trying to deal with it and it brings up so much for us.

Billie, B.J., and Julie at the end

Written by (and/or talking about) B.J., Billie and Julie. Tags: , , . 3 Comments

general spring update

March 22, 2008 at 11:26 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies and julies (lc). Tags: . 2 Comments

we’re here and hanging in there. things have been hard in some ways and okay in other ways. we’ve had some social time this last week with friends and that has been good and at the same time, it builds up and has gotten to be too much for us. we’ve been needing alone time and we’ve had some of that. we need to get ready and leave and go visit our family and see Noah and Hunter and stuff for Easter. it’s fun to hide eggs and stuff and have them hunt for eggs. we forgot to charge the video camera battery. we have Bryan’s video camera here and need to remember to bring it with us.

we’ve been trying to think of some kind of small gift thing to get the boys instead of getting them a bunch of candy. we got them tons of cheap (after valentine’s day) candy cuz we saw them a week or so after valentine’s day. they liked the surprise and that was cool. we’re thinking of giving them money that equals their age and a baseball card pack each and a hot wheel car. something different than usual. we hate just giving money but we haven’t done that in awhile as we usually find some sort of board or card game or some other small thing to get, but this would be a change and they both get excited about cash.

we’re trying to remember to breathe when we start feeling overwhelmed and panicking and full of anxiety. it’s so hard for us to leave the house so often and if we push past it, it is like it just gets buried and builds up at another point and then hits us full force and knocks us down or nearly down.

we hope to have some energy to write more about what’s going on next week. we are leaving today to stay the night at the mom’s or brother’s house and will be home sometime sunday evening. we were going to take the bus to mom’s house but then we remembered we wanted to get our dishes washed as they have piled up, especially since we sliced and cut our pinkie finger accidentally when washing a drinking glass and had to go to the er for that.

Glass Cut

it’s all okay, but has 4 stitches we have to go and have taken out next week.

Bandage

the pictures are from our friend, myriad’s, cell phone and their photo gallery.

the dishes were already piled up before the accident and now they are kind of worse. we kind of giggle at the idea of taking dishes home to mom’s house to wash in the dishwasher instead of laundry. but we might not. we might just wait and do it later here at our apt. i don’t know. if we do take our car we could maybe make ourselves vacuum it and stuff at the mom’s house cuz it is very dirty and in need of a cleaning. so maybe will try to make ourselves get stuff done.

even though this is a really general life blurb there is lots of stuff going on inside. we’ve been working hard on some issues and also having stuff come up. it just takes too much energy and time right now to write about, but we will. we have to. it hurts too much and is so hard, but we’re surviving. i guess that is what matters.

this is a note to ourselves that we have to write about all the ick stuff related to the easter and spring holiday stuff. we need to write it down and document it and keep track of it. stuff we couldn’t have made up but worry somehow our crazy brain is doing all this to us and not telling us and then stuff where we start to believe the bad sra stuff is real for us but then it is just too hard to believe and so then we think it is our crazy brain hurting us and playing tricks on us and being mean and bad to us but then we think maybe not cuz that be a lot of work for our brain and we know we not do it purposefully and so it is subconscious and so that makes it seem real to us and hard to deny but what if our subconscious brain is aware of itself and controlling it or our subconscious brain has its own conscious crazy self purposefully playing tricks on us and making it only seem subconscious and real to us since we know our conscious brain isn’t making stuff up and it is all happening without meaning for it to happen. we don’t expect anyone really to understand that craziness but it makes perfect sense to us even if we don’t explain it right. we’ve explained it better before to friends and therapists. we will try explaining it another time here better.

julies and Julies around

Written by (and/or talking about) Julies and julies (lc). Tags: . 2 Comments

hidden struggles

March 15, 2008 at 11:55 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies and julies (lc). 5 Comments

we’ve been struggling– we don’t seem that way in the few writings that have transpired lately from us to friends.  but that’s because it is us, Julies, truly writing and not the ones who are writing with us at the moment.  it’s odd… i thought it would be the julies writing this and they instigated this, but it is clearly us, Julies, speaking, albeit in their manner of writing lowercase.

so it all seemed to start the late night and early morning after we returned home from group, going out to eat afterwards, and then culminating in some playstation karaoke fun at a friends house with 4 of us hanging out together.  everything seemed fine as far as we could tell inside or knew about.  then we got home and it’s a blank but somewhere in that when we were in bed, the emotional pain seeped its way back in.  the sadness, the need to cut, the fears that the ‘bad yuck was going to get us’ in ways we can’t say here and we fought that and we fought the urges to cut.  had there been an actual knife around or near our bed we probably would not have won that battle.  it made no sense to us why the sudden intense emotions and urges for we had a nice group and nice time afterwards.  and then as we were trying to figure it out, it dawned on us that it was the night of the 13th and it was march. and for unknown reasons, the really tough yuck has continued onward for the most part all day friday and today.  we’ve been in bed more or less almost the entire time for both days.  friday we did get up around 4pmish and take care of something and leave the house for a very brief visit to drop off some paperwork that we couldn’t put off any longer.  and that was so hard to push ourselves to go and do but we did it.  then we were at the computer at some point and talked online with a friend.  and we were fine then.  but earlier in the day we were a freaking mess.  and we thought we’d be past this today, but instead it’s been a repeat of yesterday, except this time far more time spent in bed and so much sleeping and hiding in bed.  we sent a few emails and that’s about it.. the rest of the time has been in bed, sleeping or hiding.  we’ve had crazy dreams.  finally woke up a little while ago (again) and was shocked that it was after 10:30pm. what?!? how did that happen and what the hell is wrong with us?  we have one friend to return a phone call to and another friend to call as we said we’d call.  we vaguely said we’d visit another friend this weekend to help out but we are no where close to doing that.  our apt is a huge mess due to some previous attempts of searching for some stuff and cleaning some stuff out but then stopping in the middle of it and leaving it as is since.  that’s what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night, can’t sleep, and actually have the energy to try and do something, and then crash in exhaustion.  but it wouldn’t have mattered anyways, whether it was the middle of the night or not.  the do a little bit and then crash in exhaustion and into bed is typical anyway.  except we haven’t returned to put any kind of order or semblance of order back to this place.  we will- just not sure when yet.

we had this revelation of understanding that was completely and utterly accidental but all the same, eye opening and a duhhh experience simultaneously.  we need to write about it at some point but no energy to do so.  it explains why we’ve always struggled with having male friends, why we feel so unsafe and awkward in having them, and the bigger thing for us, why even mentioning or referring to the fact that a friend (and using male pronouns or male names) scares us and creates so much anxiety, fear, and awkwardness.  not so stupid and yet so stupid we never made this connection before in the way we have done so earlier tonight that a male peer sexually abused us and it is highly believed that he was part of the ritual abuse as well or connected to it or something.

(added after reading through this before sending and seeing that this was not well written above.  basically it is stupid to us and yet not so stupid to us that we never made this deeper conscious connection that it was a male peer that sexually abused us.  yes, we’ve said this, known this for years, always remembered a few things from it though not all of it, but somehow we made the connection earlier tonight that ohhhh… male peer sexually abusing us… duhh and of course this is why we’ve always (or at least greatly contributed to it) greatly struggled with feeling safe, comfortable, etc. with having male friends, and why there is huge anxiety and emotions and awkwardness and fear in just saying it aloud and referring to “my friend, (insert male name)” or “he’s my friend.”  using male names and male pronouns in connection to being our friend– that brings up so much for us and suddenly we made the connection of all those emotions and reactions to having had a male peer sexually abuse us and the connections we have of him with the ritual abuse as well.   we’ve always really separated it before.  acknowledged it in great shame but always separate.  anyways, it is very hard to explain, but we made a connection earlier tonight accidentally and in ways we’ve never done so before and it seems important to us to look at further.  that’s all.)

we’ve always said it was a big thing if we ever felt comfortable enough with a guy and safe enough with one to like as a friend or to have as a close friend.  we’ve had so few guy friends in life.

anyway, it is late.  we had cereal, i think, earlier today, but i can’t remember for sure. maybe that was yesterday.  we need to eat but our kitchen isn’t all that inviting to use or find much of anything in the ways we are accustomed to.  in general our kitchen cabinets and refrigerator/freezer are extremely organized, but it is nothing like that at all yet. we didn’t have much to begin with, but the food and whatnot we had from our old apartment was bagged up and then placed (bagged up) in our new fridge/freezer.  it still remains that way. eeks.  so unlike us and yet some of us resist doing anything about it until we have the energy to give it the makeover cleanliness inside and out before unpacking and organizing those things.

this is stupid or so we hear.  just trying to write something and get something started. maybe trying to reach out.  we are late (or pretty sure we are as we can’t find our old 2007 calendar with notes on it tracking our menstrual cycle through 2008) again… we were very late last month and it appears it is happening again this month.  i guess stress is the reason for it all or age or hell, our cycle has never been consistent, so it could just be doing its old song and dance of oh hey, thought i’d shake things up a bit and become regularly late on you and then i’ll shock you some day and start becoming regularly normal in timing like it is discussed and written about in those medical informational blurbs and textbooks.

so yah, well, really, we are struggling, but they didn’t really come to write it themselves and say so really.  but it would be wrong and well, just not right to say it was solely from us, Julies.  so it was both groups here in some kind of capacity.

julies but really mostly and mainly Julies writing, but the julies were here trying to find their voice of pain and struggling

Written by (and/or talking about) Julies and julies (lc). 5 Comments