We’re still here even though we haven’t been writing very much at all and really, we haven’t been reading as many journals as we usually do.
We haven’t had therapy since mid March. We’re still in the process of getting our Medicaid resolved so that we can return. It’s a very convoluted mess that we go through regularly but this time it is really screwed up and we already can see in the future that we’ll have regular interruptions in therapy because of it (some policy stuff changed) and also because the agency we’re going to, they won’t accept any payment arrangements. Oddly enough if we had insurance to begin with, but lost it, and so had zero insurance at this point in time, they would accept the payment arrangement that we can actually afford and come up with somehow for our co-pay. And ultimately in the future we’re not going to qualify for Medicaid as easily as we do now, because at some point the bill we are using to apply towards our spend-down will be all used up and no longer valid to use. So at some point, the agency will say another big F-U by actions and we’ll have to move on from them anyway since being able to pay for once a month therapy is just not worth it to us. We’d rather have zero therapy than wasting money and time on once/month therapy that we know what it will be like as it is always hard to return to therapy, get comfortable with our therapist again, and feel safe enough to talk about the bigger issues, let alone talk about anything knowing we have a month to deal with it on our own. I don’t want a chit chat basic update bull shit of a session once a month when I could use that money for other things I need.
In the meantime we’ve been trying to research and compile a long list of therapist names to call. We’ve called quite a number of them, but most of them have full caseloads and the few that might not, they don’t take Medicare. We’re trying not to give up yet as there is a whole phone book in a relatively large city and outlying area that we can call blindly and see if any of them have experience and stuff that we’re looking for. We have found one therapist that we interviewed but we haven’t been back since. We’re going to make an appointment with her this next week. However, we’re going to continue looking around and finding a therapist that we “click with” relatively quickly. It’s hard to say just yet with this new therapist that we interviewed as we asked her tons of questions and really didn’t do any therapy talking. And we aren’t going to say good-bye to Cec until after we’ve found a therapist we’re comfortable with.
So all of that to really say that we are seriously wondering how much our lack of therapy has contributed to our lack of journal writing. I know some of it has just been all the changes we’ve been going through– moving and getting settled in new place, new romantic relationship, therapist stuff, etc. Some of it has just been pure exhaustion and so much going on externally. But even still, I would have thought this past week or so that we would have written and we really haven’t. I can’t believe how long it has been since we (Julies) have written here. We think of writing this or that from time to time, but we just don’t actually come here. Even at our support group the last few weeks, we’ve had no idea what to say really, because so much has been pushed back deeper inside and therapeutic issues that we usually are working on are just not there in the forefront for us to talk about. We end up with this blank mind and not really able to grasp anything of depth to discuss and we just don’t like our share to be all about general basic update of stuff.
So well, we’re around and still here kind of. We need to leave to go visit our nephews and hang out with them until tomorrow sometime. We were going to leave earlier today but we had been doing some research online for Sarah and her Wedding stuff and we ended up needing a nap afterwards and we slept a long time. It seems silly to leave so late now, but I know the boys will be up late and it will be good to be there first thing in the morning as we have to leave earlier than usual tomorrow to go somewhere afterwards.
I wish sometimes it wasn’t so hard for us to leave our house as I know that we procrastinate and put it off and insiders get scared, anxious, and probably take part in us needing extra naps and stuff in order to prolong actually leaving our house. Even when we want to see them and now that it is further away, it makes it a bit more overwhelming to leave. The crazy thing is once we are there, we will be fine, and we will be enjoying our nephews and wishing we had left much earlier and will be berating ourselves for not leaving sooner and making it just happen somehow.
So that’s a little bit of where we’re at right now with things and what’s going on. We’ll try to return again soon to write about something.
Julies
