Returning From The Shadows

It seems hard to believe that it has been so very long since we’ve last written. We are wordless to really explain why it is, how time has been for us, etc. It just has been what it has been.

Tonight we were searching YouTube for various DID videos and came across a couple of really great videos. It reminded us again of how much we need to reconnect with ourselves in our system and to strive for better communication, cooperation, and creative endeavors that our hearts seek.

It is so easy for us to slip into even greater disconnection and dissociation when we are without therapy and staying focused on our issues. It isn’t to say that those things don’t happen when we’re doing therapy– they do, but it is somehow different. It feels like without therapy, we end up slipping into old ways of surviving, more inner walls, more separate ways, more about moment to moment and less about what we need to do for a better tomorrow, etc.

I suppose one could say that it isn’t all that bad, except that it is– it doesn’t stimulate growth and healing in the ways and speed we seek, and we’ve seen hints of build-up and have had some moments of intense fear of ‘crashing’ in such a big way. Then of course, it goes away, as though it never existed, and we are “fine,” but not really. It’s the old ways of surviving, so very familiar and known, that we think nothing of it really, except that we know what it is like to be a little bit more connected from time to time with one another, with a little bit better communication, cooperation, etc. Again, it feels so very hard to put into words accurately– as though we are saying something that isn’t true–like a qualifier is missing or a detail is missing that is very important so as to not give the wrong impression, but there is this blank when we look inside to see what it is.

Blankness. Nothingness. small whispers and hints, sounds, feelings of intense pain and sadness lurking, creeping, just daring us to get close so it can swallow us up. That’s what it is most of the time. There are those times when some of the Julies are so far disconnected from the inside, that they just feel nothing, numbness, auto-pilot, intellectual feelings, etc. So much like those years of yesterday.

It isn’t that it is all that much of a greater difference when we’re in therapy, dealing more intently with our issues, getting help and support one-on-one with our therapist, it is just that there is a difference, and that difference, though small…it is also big to us.

We have blog friends, in-person friends, etc. that are multiples and/or survivors who inspire us as we watch, listen, share, and travel along with them on their journeys. We think of it as gifts and treasures with appreciation and admiration, and ever so thankful when a friend in our support network sparks an added healing interest, healing zest, lights up another pathway for us to take, etc.  They probably don’t necessarily know when they do– just simply their honest personal sharing, vulnerability, risk taking, etc. will provoke thoughts and feelings and things in us, and sparks and inspiration arise from within us.  Those sparks, that inspiration, those experiences, they are the things that help us to keep moving forward, to keep striving for some healing point we keep seeking, to continue to look inward, make system changes that are positive and are towards our goals of communication, cooperation, and collaboration. (or as someone in here says: “whatever they are.”)

This post is getting long and we had no idea what we were going to write– we just started writing something. So I guess we are returning from the shadows and trying so hard to keep coming back here and show ourselves on a more regular basis like before.

Thanks for all your support everyone– it means a lot to us. We do notice, we do appreciate, and we do give thanks to everyone.

Julies (and All)