I don’t know where to start and in a way it isn’t as though there is a beginning. I’m… we’re ?.. trying to process a new flashback?? snapshot picture thing with the father. I question the validity of it…afraid my brain is making it up or created something to ‘fit’ the reaction we had to a triggering sex act. I mean we chose to do something. even initiated it, and wanted to even though we knew we had to be careful and listen and try to be aware of our reactions to know when we had reached our limit of being able to handle it. I think we did okay and stopped before we went completely past our limit, but at the same time, I think something else or someone else(s) was triggered to cause us to respond even more sexually or to not stop when there were whispers and little quiet things hinting that we had reached a limit. I don’t think there was a switch externally, but something in me/us switched. It could be that someone was behind me or with me and I just thought that it was me or it was like something that is hard to describe–something in the brain switched over into a different thought process, awareness, headspace, etc. I guess that sounds like switching but I really thought that I was still there on some level and involved on some level, but maybe I wasn’t as much as I thought. I’m not sure–in some ways I’m trying to think it through and analyze and process this aspect and in other ways, it isn’t really the whole issue that brought us here to write about stuff. That is stuff I’ve lived with, how we handle things, etc.

It’s this other thing… flashbacks I guess or something my brain made up… that is troublesome. I can’t even remember how it ‘came to me’ last night. It’s now just there in my headspace and whenever I think about it or come close to it, it just flashes over and over at me like a slideshow of the same snapshot picture. Every now and then the picture might move just a fraction or show another angle (like as an observer of both the father and child) and show another angle to what appears to be the same moment in time. But I just can’t help worrying that I’m wrong about this. That this particular thing I’m seeing didn’t happen to me. That my father really didn’t do that to me. That my brain just made this up and showed this to me because if X sex act ends up with a distressing reaction at some point during or afterwards then that must equal my father and my brain must determine something to make sense of why it was upsetting and so it just makes up some picture memory and shows it to me. I don’t feel in control of this or my brain. I feel like my brain is its own entity. Hmm… I thought of it as my brain is its own entity against me. Then I heard or had a slightly differing opinion and rephrased that in my brain to “This brain of my brains is its own entity against me.” In other words, there is my brain that I normally think of as “my brain” and “own it” more or less and sometimes respect it for what it is and other times detest it simply because of self hatred, low self esteem or some other thing, such as replaying old tapes or negative programming (naturally or otherwise) that is active and disruptive to my brain. But all of that still feels like it is part of my brain. However there is this other brain of mine that is separate and against me. This seems to be the one that holds “so-called” memories. The brain I don’t have any control over. The one that seems against me, determined to make me seem like and be a liar. Determined to make me believe that horrible things happened that actually didn’t happen. My fear is that I will believe what this brain is telling me or showing me and then it will transfer over to ‘my brain’–the brain I will accept ownership of, and when it transfers over to my brain, then it will become (eventually, sometimes immediately other times a bit more gradually) to being truth. So then I will believe these visual memories and declare them true, speak of them, tell others about the horrible crimes my father or the neighbor boy(s) or the cult (if that is true for us) did to me/us. And the greatest fear is that ultimately down the line in the future, as we’re more healed or further along the healing journey and more pieces to a completely amnesiac life (more or less), that more of those pieces will come together and I will have a better idea of what really happened and then I will find out that it is all wrong, false, untrue, and that I’ve been super, horrifically bad, can’t possibly live for the lies I’ve believed and lies that I’ve told, and so absolutely MUST DIE. And I couldn’t bear to live and be around others that I love and care about because they will then know just how truly and horrifically bad we are and how disgusting and just not enough words could describe the sheer depth of badness, filth, dirtiness, unworthiness, for taking one breath of life all along. They would believe that we lied on purpose or somebody put this shit in our head or something and we would just be crazy and just again, horribly beyond words bad and unworthy beyond words to even have drawn one breath in the past and most certainly from that moment forward. And it would all be this “other brain’s fault” that was against me all along and did this to me/us and I/we believed it and made the wrong decision to believe it, and even worser (i know that isn’t a word or proper grammar but that is the word I heard from inside) to tell about it, speak it, and even worser than all of that–to tell about it and speak it as though it were really true and as though we really believed it and as though it really and truly happened.

At some point earlier in the above paragraph while we were writing it we debated on whether to change the title from “The Belief Factor” to “My other brain is against me.” I’m still not sure what we will ultimately decide upon.

This has really gotten long and so we’re going to make this a “part one” series of another part.

Julies and whomever else