Monthly Archive for July, 2008

Trying to keep it together

Published
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JAGA
on July 28, 2008
in Uncategorized
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That’s really it– just trying to keep it together.  Outside we can look fine but inside when the inside anxiety and feelings spike, I get the real idea of how hard things are for us and how much anxiety, overwhelmedness, etc. is going on.  It makes it hard to breathe when that happens.  I try to distance myself from it and talk myself through it, but it’s more like running from it and dissociating from it when it does go away.  I need to look at it and deal with it, but doing so just spikes an already spiked anxiety and overwhelmedness which in turn creates a much greater need to sleep.  I suppose as a way to avoid and escape and in our mind, a way to cope and deal with it– because maybe when we wake up things will have shifted inside and it won’t be so bad and we can cope and deal with the world again.

Big breath.  We need to leave tonight to go to our mom’s house to stay overnight for the next several days as my brother has had Noah for a week vacation.  We visited yesterday to celebrate my brother’s birthday but now we need to go and hang out and visit with Noah.  My brother couldn’t get Tues-Thurs off work so I need to be there to babysit those days– at least my brother can go in very early and get off early from work so he can have more ‘daytime’ to spend with Noah.

I just wish that when things are disorderly in our life, that the anxiety and disorder stuff didn’t follow us so much.  I try to let it be okay to just let it go and let it be and we’ll deal with it when we get back, but it is very hard.  I don’t know– we’re finally rested enough to maybe tackle some of our to do stuff right now that will lower anxiety, but I don’t know how long we’ll be able to keep up with it.  Sean and I took my brother’s dog, Oakley, with us to his place to babysit and acclimate Oakley and Zoey together as well as the other two dogs in the house (Sean’s roommates have 2 dogs).  But that’s getting to be a job in and of itself as sometimes the dogs are cool with one another and sometimes they aren’t.

Anyway, we should go.  We just needed to write something.  Was going to twitter something, but that didn’t seem like enough and we’re just so overwhelmed right now.  yah we can be all okay and seem fine on the outside and yah even those Julies can think they’re fine enough like usual hard stuff and not know all the hard stuff or they can disconnect from it or whatever, but it is hard and we are overwhelmed and i don’t know. it’s too hard to put into words.

we just want things to be a certain way and trying to get there is so hard. trying to be there is so hard.  it is exhausting and overhwhelming and so much anxiety.  we want to be better but there’s so much to do for that to be real and true in a real and true way and not a fake way.  we keep thinking if this or that was better or this or that was like this that we’d be able to cope better with stuff. that we could cope better with leaving the house and being away from the house for a long day or days.  that we wouldn’t have so much anxiety and we’d be dealing with life stuff so much better. but what if that is all just illusion and stupid thinking of if only this or if only that.  what if it won’t be that way whenever we finally get to that spot.  what if we’re lying to ourselves and just think it will or hope it will.  i think we need that hope because if we knew it wasn’t going to be any better if this or that was this or that way, then i think we’d be very hopeless and want to die because we don’t want to live with so many limitations that we have and certainly not all of these limitations that we have now… we don’t want that for the rest of this life we’re leading.  but i guess we worry that it won’t be better in the way we think it will be better someday when we get to xyz space and when xyz is done and then what… then what???

we gots to go. so overwhelmed and tired and hate that we always get like this before going away from the house for an overnight anywhere.  hate that this happens when we’re going to spend time with noah for a long period of time.  we love noah a lot and now there is hunter too and we hate that we feel the overwhelmed feelings and exhaustion and anxiety.  we have a good time with them– we do. and we’re fine around them for the most part, but wish all the stuff getting us ready and getting us there wasn’t so incredibly hard.  the hardness is what makes us so late in getting there and being there from our original plan or goal to be there at such and such time.  it takes so much out of us.  we want that to be different some day.  we need it to be different someday.  it’s just so much.

the anxiety can make it hard to breathe inside.  someone can kindof breathe okay outside but inside it gets all tight and cramped and fluttery and shallow breathing and terrible and so so bad.  and it makes us just want to go hide and stay away from everyone and everything and from doing all the things we’re supposed to do. and that only makes us bad and badder cuz we end up not doing what we said we’d do and we hate that cuz that’s not good and being really late and that’s not good either.

sigh. we’re having a hard time even if we’re okay.  some inside can be okay cuz that is their job and that’s what they do and that’s who they are.  but the rest of us, we’re not okay. we’re just not.  and we can’t seem to have those two connect or for us having the hard time, we can’t seem to make it okay to talk or really tell or really deal with it a whole lot these days.  therapy just doesn’t seem safe enough or something. our system setup just isn’t allowing it.  we’re glad we got a chance now, but lots of times we can’t really talk or tell or deal with it too much.  so much is being shutdown and trapped and not totally sure why, but think there’s a therapy safety net that is missing.  it makes us miss wendy so much.  and i heard that dragon was missing her a lot.  like he wants to be able to talk to her and those surrounding the memory he has and their memory too, they want to do this next part with her.  dragon has never met anyone else but wendy on the outside, at least that i know of.  well, except for when he was created and maybe if they used him for other stuff or something like that. but not anyone else since we started doing the healing journey and therapy thing.  so it is this big deal for him to trust anyone else and just, wendy was so sweet and special and good to him.  she made him feel appreciated and valued for what he did to survive and how he has been there for the system and stuff.  she made a connection with him.  this is more like intellectual-knowledge memory and not so much actual memory, but there are tears suddenly here from somewhere while we write.  so maybe those are dragon’s tears or someone else’s tears from inside.  so i think the words i said are valid and true and meaningful.

we really do got to go.  trying to not fall asleep again but we might and we might be bad that way. i don’t know. uggh.

Julies and julies and maybe some others around

Before Dipping The Toes…

Published
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JAGA
on July 23, 2008
in Uncategorized
. 0 Comments

So we had therapy today and we told Cec about the creation of Dragon and his memory that we’ve known about for years, but for some reason, it has surfaced quite a bit these last few months.  Actually that “some reason” has to do with sexual triggers and desires from some of us adults in here to try other sexual positions with Sean but we continue to be highly triggered by it and can’t cope or do it.  And as we told Cec, there is sadness and grief with how the sexual abuse affects us as adults now.  I just want to be “normal” and to be able to try different sexual positions or different things with the man I love without constantly being triggered and unable to cope with it and having anxiety and panic inside.  It’s one of the things that can stir a hint of anger inside at the father, and I’m sure there is deeply hidden anger at the other abusers as well.

After therapy we went to our car that was parked in a small parking garage with few cars and few people coming in and out.  We laid down across the front seats and dozed/napped for 2 hours.  I had this bizarre dream that included a bunch of our personal papers and other personal stuff that we were trying to keep close to us and with us and we had far too much stuff compared to the other girls we were around and with, and anyway, at some point, we were separated from some of it and it was scattered and strewn about and even in the middle of the street for cars to drive over and for it to fly away.  At some point we were in the middle of the street trying to gather it up and dump it all together as quickly as possible together and then we had to somehow get it up to the house where we were staying, but it was going to be bad to do so, because we weren’t supposed to have all this extra stuff and there wasn’t room for it anyway, but we still had to have it with us, because it was so deeply personal and attached and connected to us.  There were a variety of other scenes in relation to our personal stuff but those scenes and info are really hazy and so I don’t want to try and describe them.  Plus there was some other stuff in the dream, but that’s the biggest piece that I keep remembering about it.

I think we’re getting closer to telling and writing here about Dragon and what happened to him.  It seems more of his memory and what happened to him has spread throughout the system and there is more of an ‘acceptance’ of sorts that it is real and true, although whenever we go to tell someone inside (hmm, meant to say outside, but that’s an interesting Freudian slip), anyway, whenever we go to tell someone outside (like our group or to Cec or thinking of writing it here and telling here), there is an immediate surge of some others inside that are quick to shout (more or less) that it is untrue and it didn’t happen, etc.  And yet, strangely, (though someone inside disagrees and says it isn’t strange and explains to me why it isn’t), that 9-10 years or so later since the initial memory of Dragon, that there is greater belief by many inside that it is true than there was years ago, and even say several years ago.  We also hear those inside strongly asserting that it didn’t happen and it isn’t true, etc., whenever we begin thinking more about it and trying to get ‘closer’ to Dragon and his memory or simply thinking more on it and trying to connect to that past point in time.

If I allow myself to feel and not push hard against it and not run from it… if I inch my way towards it yet carefully trying to not have it suck me in like a vortex ready to suffocate me, I can feel deep sadness for Dragon.  I am sad with what happened to him.  It is still very dissociated from me and I am unable to relate in virtually any way that it happened “to me,” because it flat out didn’t happen to me.  It happened to him and to any others inside who were part of that moment in time before, after, and perhaps during.  His story, his creation, is just so sick and wrong and sad.  Sadness that something like this could happen to such a young boy/dragon.

One of the things that someone inside uses to try and convince those of us who believe his memory is the age and time reference.  I vaguely recall on a knowledge level only that when Dragon’s memory was revealed and we learned that he was a young boy or boy dragon or shape shifter or half boy and half dragon (it’s still kind of unclear), that he was 5 1/2 or 6 years old.  For some reason, I keep thinking he said or someone spoke for him and said he was 5 1/2 years old.  And so someone else inside always discusses how what if Reed and Doug didn’t live there when the body was that old and thus, it couldn’t have happened at that age.  But then someone else inside reminds others and says that the body could have been older but Dragon may have been created as a younger age for some reason, irregardless of the body age.  After all, alters/insiders can be created with ages far beyond the body’s age at the time of their emergence within the system.  I don’t know.  I wish I could ask my mother to see if she recalls or if there was some way I could find out.  There might be a way since their family was in the military like ours and we know the entire family’s first and last names.

And then of course, there’s the whole thing about finding out and learning that Doug and Reed and their family were living there when we moved there or at least moved there shortly after we moved there and thus, it matches up with the body’s age and what I’ve come to understand or hear about from those inside.  And then all the abuse becomes that much more real.  Of course, I’ll be wholly confused and thinking I’m totally fucked up and wrong and screwed up if I discover that they moved there years after we did.  I know the abuse happened, I mean, I really do remember that.  They were definitely living there when I was 7 years old, and pretty sure when I was 6 years old too, because I remember my brother turning 5 years old and he was all excited about spending the night at Reed’s house when he turned 5 and there’s a picture of him the day/night he left for his first sleepover.

So anyway, we think we’re getting up the courage to tell Dragon’s story and his creation and memory.  We apparently have had the courage to say Reed’s name and even Doug’s name aloud to our group and again today with Cec.  Usually we just say the “neighbor boy” and “the neighbor boy’s older brother.”  That’s always felt safest and often, just hearing Reed’s name would cause anxiety and icky feelings to emerge.  Thankfully it is an uncommon name and to some extent, so is Doug’s name.  So amazingly, we are ready to say their names and enough inside are ready to tell and have this secret shared and known and heard.  So perhaps tomorrow or the next we will dip our toes in or jump all the way in.  I’m not sure.

Julie/s (and others or ??? around)

Sluggish Writings turned to Love

Published
by
JAGA
on July 10, 2008
in Uncategorized
. 1 Comment

So we can’t seem to fucking journal these days.  I’m still not entirely sure why.  Sometimes we come to the computer and try to write, but then a sudden and intense wave of emotional and physical exhaustion overwhelms us and we back away with silence.

We thought about writing a list of random journal topics to sort of put out there… there certainly is plenty of them, but that seems to be too much at the moment.  So I guess at least we’re saying something even if it is fucking nothing really.

We’re quite overwhelmed and stressed this week due to a number of things.  The body’s birthday is this Sunday the 13th.  This body will be 33 years old.  Our nephew, Noah, will be 10 years old.  It’s hard to believe how many years have passed with him.  He’ll be 11 1/2- 12 years old when we marry and a teenager when we have a child/ren.

I can’t quite tell if there are issues surrounding this birthday year.  We’ve had stupid programs or fears or other things to have come up over the last 3 years, but it’s been quiet in terms of my knowledge and awareness of things regarding all of it.  When I try to inquire within, I just get stonewalled.

There’s another huge programming issue of life and death and changes, healing, etc. that we’ve struggled and battled with for years.  I’ve noticed that it has either gone deep underground or we’ve possibly found a loophole in the programming shit or simply the whole adage of “love conquers all,” which is allowing for healing and the ability to process and work through these things and get past the blockages that we’ve constantly been up against no matter what angle or manner we’ve approached this big and deep issue to living or dying or living but dead instead of living and thriving.  This is vague, but we know exactly what it is about and will someday write more about it with a bit more clarity to it.

Things are still amazing and wonderful with Sean et al.  We can’t begin to describe or explain how compatible we are with one another in so many ways.  Our relationship is just so comfortable and has been from day one.  It’s as though we’ve known one another for years and again, just comfortable–that’s the best keyword to describe it.  It’s unlike any relationship we’ve had before, although we’ve had very few and far between due to our avoidance or unconscious vibes of “stay the fuck away.”  Even still, it is miles ahead of our only other very serious relationship, which was with Chris, our ex-fiance’.  The nice thing is that we’ve had dreams and experienced other things indicating that insiders are letting go of Chris quickly and connecting well with Sean et al.  There have been some inside and well, in the past, a fairly large number of us, who’ve held onto the dream and only positive aspects of our relationship with Chris, versus some of the reality stuff and negative aspects.  This has changed dramatically and it’s been very eye-opening to see some stark differences between the two, especially in the area of true and sincere acceptance and cherishment.  And the largest area being loyalty and trust– we have no question about trusting Sean et al to be honest, faithful, and also trustworthy in private matters (i.e. he won’t go behind my back and speak to my mother about private things we share with him, etc.), and just so many things.  Overall, we could go on and on about Sean et al ;-) and how much we love them and how incredible things have been in our 3 1/2 months together thus far.  There is also a lot of awesome news and things to share in regards to our wedding for July 2010, although he still hasn’t asked the big question.  We just finished designing our engagement ring and both wedding bands earlier this month or at the end of last month.  I forget exactly, but irregardless, it’s just been fantastic and full of symbolism and excitement, and the surprise will be when he/they ask me/us to marry him/them.  The biggest thing we’d like to say is that we’ve explored and analyzed and looked at things the best that we can, and we’ve determined that our relationship with Sean et al is much more than merely the “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship.  We’ve looked at that and considered that, and we both agree that there are stark differences that are absent that are usually there in newly formed relationships and instead we have something very similar to what seems like would occur months or years down the line in a relationship, and this just basically happened almost automatically and certainly very quickly and in a short time.  Being with one another is just so comfortable and normal and so… hmmm… wish I could find a word that describes it fully, but I’m still at a loss in the ability to describe exactly what I’m experiencing.

I think the other thing I want to comment on or add is that we’ve been noticing or at least it has been perceived and wondered and pondered about how this odd thing of LOVE and having our OWN FAMILY (even with it being Sean et al right now), but somehow between the power of Love and the power of creating and having our own Family and joining his family which is so very loving, accepting, encouraging, and safe, etc., this just really seems to be greatly affecting things inside in positive and weird ways.  It’s shaping things to be looking so much different right now.  I honestly don’t know what to do with it.  I guess there is a renewed hope for healing and the ability to see that it may actually be possible to really live a life that life on earth was meant to be about… living and having the desire to live and survive and to experience living instead of always just surviving or dying while alive and wishing for death but still breathing or simply the walking dead.

Okay, originally titled this Sluggish Writings but then we ended up writing about all this love and relationship stuff and so just adjusted the title to something dumb really, but too tired to really think of anything remotely creative.

Until Later and Thank You All for the support and patience and kindness that our friends and readers send to us.  We appreciate it.

Julies (and all)