Multiple Reflections

So we can’t seem to fucking journal these days.  I’m still not entirely sure why.  Sometimes we come to the computer and try to write, but then a sudden and intense wave of emotional and physical exhaustion overwhelms us and we back away with silence.

We thought about writing a list of random journal topics to sort of put out there… there certainly is plenty of them, but that seems to be too much at the moment.  So I guess at least we’re saying something even if it is fucking nothing really.

We’re quite overwhelmed and stressed this week due to a number of things.  The body’s birthday is this Sunday the 13th.  This body will be 33 years old.  Our nephew, Noah, will be 10 years old.  It’s hard to believe how many years have passed with him.  He’ll be 11 1/2- 12 years old when we marry and a teenager when we have a child/ren.

I can’t quite tell if there are issues surrounding this birthday year.  We’ve had stupid programs or fears or other things to have come up over the last 3 years, but it’s been quiet in terms of my knowledge and awareness of things regarding all of it.  When I try to inquire within, I just get stonewalled.

There’s another huge programming issue of life and death and changes, healing, etc. that we’ve struggled and battled with for years.  I’ve noticed that it has either gone deep underground or we’ve possibly found a loophole in the programming shit or simply the whole adage of “love conquers all,” which is allowing for healing and the ability to process and work through these things and get past the blockages that we’ve constantly been up against no matter what angle or manner we’ve approached this big and deep issue to living or dying or living but dead instead of living and thriving.  This is vague, but we know exactly what it is about and will someday write more about it with a bit more clarity to it.

Things are still amazing and wonderful with Sean et al.  We can’t begin to describe or explain how compatible we are with one another in so many ways.  Our relationship is just so comfortable and has been from day one.  It’s as though we’ve known one another for years and again, just comfortable–that’s the best keyword to describe it.  It’s unlike any relationship we’ve had before, although we’ve had very few and far between due to our avoidance or unconscious vibes of “stay the fuck away.”  Even still, it is miles ahead of our only other very serious relationship, which was with Chris, our ex-fiance’.  The nice thing is that we’ve had dreams and experienced other things indicating that insiders are letting go of Chris quickly and connecting well with Sean et al.  There have been some inside and well, in the past, a fairly large number of us, who’ve held onto the dream and only positive aspects of our relationship with Chris, versus some of the reality stuff and negative aspects.  This has changed dramatically and it’s been very eye-opening to see some stark differences between the two, especially in the area of true and sincere acceptance and cherishment.  And the largest area being loyalty and trust– we have no question about trusting Sean et al to be honest, faithful, and also trustworthy in private matters (i.e. he won’t go behind my back and speak to my mother about private things we share with him, etc.), and just so many things.  Overall, we could go on and on about Sean et al and how much we love them and how incredible things have been in our 3 1/2 months together thus far.  There is also a lot of awesome news and things to share in regards to our wedding for July 2010, although he still hasn’t asked the big question.  We just finished designing our engagement ring and both wedding bands earlier this month or at the end of last month.  I forget exactly, but irregardless, it’s just been fantastic and full of symbolism and excitement, and the surprise will be when he/they ask me/us to marry him/them.  The biggest thing we’d like to say is that we’ve explored and analyzed and looked at things the best that we can, and we’ve determined that our relationship with Sean et al is much more than merely the “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship.  We’ve looked at that and considered that, and we both agree that there are stark differences that are absent that are usually there in newly formed relationships and instead we have something very similar to what seems like would occur months or years down the line in a relationship, and this just basically happened almost automatically and certainly very quickly and in a short time.  Being with one another is just so comfortable and normal and so… hmmm… wish I could find a word that describes it fully, but I’m still at a loss in the ability to describe exactly what I’m experiencing.

I think the other thing I want to comment on or add is that we’ve been noticing or at least it has been perceived and wondered and pondered about how this odd thing of LOVE and having our OWN FAMILY (even with it being Sean et al right now), but somehow between the power of Love and the power of creating and having our own Family and joining his family which is so very loving, accepting, encouraging, and safe, etc., this just really seems to be greatly affecting things inside in positive and weird ways.  It’s shaping things to be looking so much different right now.  I honestly don’t know what to do with it.  I guess there is a renewed hope for healing and the ability to see that it may actually be possible to really live a life that life on earth was meant to be about… living and having the desire to live and survive and to experience living instead of always just surviving or dying while alive and wishing for death but still breathing or simply the walking dead.

Okay, originally titled this Sluggish Writings but then we ended up writing about all this love and relationship stuff and so just adjusted the title to something dumb really, but too tired to really think of anything remotely creative.

Until Later and Thank You All for the support and patience and kindness that our friends and readers send to us.  We appreciate it.

Julies (and all)