Multiple Reflections

That’s really it– just trying to keep it together.  Outside we can look fine but inside when the inside anxiety and feelings spike, I get the real idea of how hard things are for us and how much anxiety, overwhelmedness, etc. is going on.  It makes it hard to breathe when that happens.  I try to distance myself from it and talk myself through it, but it’s more like running from it and dissociating from it when it does go away.  I need to look at it and deal with it, but doing so just spikes an already spiked anxiety and overwhelmedness which in turn creates a much greater need to sleep.  I suppose as a way to avoid and escape and in our mind, a way to cope and deal with it– because maybe when we wake up things will have shifted inside and it won’t be so bad and we can cope and deal with the world again.

Big breath.  We need to leave tonight to go to our mom’s house to stay overnight for the next several days as my brother has had Noah for a week vacation.  We visited yesterday to celebrate my brother’s birthday but now we need to go and hang out and visit with Noah.  My brother couldn’t get Tues-Thurs off work so I need to be there to babysit those days– at least my brother can go in very early and get off early from work so he can have more ‘daytime’ to spend with Noah.

I just wish that when things are disorderly in our life, that the anxiety and disorder stuff didn’t follow us so much.  I try to let it be okay to just let it go and let it be and we’ll deal with it when we get back, but it is very hard.  I don’t know– we’re finally rested enough to maybe tackle some of our to do stuff right now that will lower anxiety, but I don’t know how long we’ll be able to keep up with it.  Sean and I took my brother’s dog, Oakley, with us to his place to babysit and acclimate Oakley and Zoey together as well as the other two dogs in the house (Sean’s roommates have 2 dogs).  But that’s getting to be a job in and of itself as sometimes the dogs are cool with one another and sometimes they aren’t.

Anyway, we should go.  We just needed to write something.  Was going to twitter something, but that didn’t seem like enough and we’re just so overwhelmed right now.  yah we can be all okay and seem fine on the outside and yah even those Julies can think they’re fine enough like usual hard stuff and not know all the hard stuff or they can disconnect from it or whatever, but it is hard and we are overwhelmed and i don’t know. it’s too hard to put into words.

we just want things to be a certain way and trying to get there is so hard. trying to be there is so hard.  it is exhausting and overhwhelming and so much anxiety.  we want to be better but there’s so much to do for that to be real and true in a real and true way and not a fake way.  we keep thinking if this or that was better or this or that was like this that we’d be able to cope better with stuff. that we could cope better with leaving the house and being away from the house for a long day or days.  that we wouldn’t have so much anxiety and we’d be dealing with life stuff so much better. but what if that is all just illusion and stupid thinking of if only this or if only that.  what if it won’t be that way whenever we finally get to that spot.  what if we’re lying to ourselves and just think it will or hope it will.  i think we need that hope because if we knew it wasn’t going to be any better if this or that was this or that way, then i think we’d be very hopeless and want to die because we don’t want to live with so many limitations that we have and certainly not all of these limitations that we have now… we don’t want that for the rest of this life we’re leading.  but i guess we worry that it won’t be better in the way we think it will be better someday when we get to xyz space and when xyz is done and then what… then what???

we gots to go. so overwhelmed and tired and hate that we always get like this before going away from the house for an overnight anywhere.  hate that this happens when we’re going to spend time with noah for a long period of time.  we love noah a lot and now there is hunter too and we hate that we feel the overwhelmed feelings and exhaustion and anxiety.  we have a good time with them– we do. and we’re fine around them for the most part, but wish all the stuff getting us ready and getting us there wasn’t so incredibly hard.  the hardness is what makes us so late in getting there and being there from our original plan or goal to be there at such and such time.  it takes so much out of us.  we want that to be different some day.  we need it to be different someday.  it’s just so much.

the anxiety can make it hard to breathe inside.  someone can kindof breathe okay outside but inside it gets all tight and cramped and fluttery and shallow breathing and terrible and so so bad.  and it makes us just want to go hide and stay away from everyone and everything and from doing all the things we’re supposed to do. and that only makes us bad and badder cuz we end up not doing what we said we’d do and we hate that cuz that’s not good and being really late and that’s not good either.

sigh. we’re having a hard time even if we’re okay.  some inside can be okay cuz that is their job and that’s what they do and that’s who they are.  but the rest of us, we’re not okay. we’re just not.  and we can’t seem to have those two connect or for us having the hard time, we can’t seem to make it okay to talk or really tell or really deal with it a whole lot these days.  therapy just doesn’t seem safe enough or something. our system setup just isn’t allowing it.  we’re glad we got a chance now, but lots of times we can’t really talk or tell or deal with it too much.  so much is being shutdown and trapped and not totally sure why, but think there’s a therapy safety net that is missing.  it makes us miss wendy so much.  and i heard that dragon was missing her a lot.  like he wants to be able to talk to her and those surrounding the memory he has and their memory too, they want to do this next part with her.  dragon has never met anyone else but wendy on the outside, at least that i know of.  well, except for when he was created and maybe if they used him for other stuff or something like that. but not anyone else since we started doing the healing journey and therapy thing.  so it is this big deal for him to trust anyone else and just, wendy was so sweet and special and good to him.  she made him feel appreciated and valued for what he did to survive and how he has been there for the system and stuff.  she made a connection with him.  this is more like intellectual-knowledge memory and not so much actual memory, but there are tears suddenly here from somewhere while we write.  so maybe those are dragon’s tears or someone else’s tears from inside.  so i think the words i said are valid and true and meaningful.

we really do got to go.  trying to not fall asleep again but we might and we might be bad that way. i don’t know. uggh.

Julies and julies and maybe some others around