Multiple Reflections

It’s been a very long couple of months and we’re so glad that they are over with!  I can’t remember September but I know it was filled with stuff.  I think some of it was Sean’s MRSA infection.  Then at the end of September and through part of October, we spent far too much time at the mother’s house helping her prepare her home for her sisters’ visit.  I tried to reframe the whole experience as getting stuff done now instead of after my mother dies.  Sigh.  Sean doesn’t want me to go through that again– that kind of stress and time and emotional drain, etc., that we went through.  It really drained our system and took a huge toll out of us and it took us a ridiculous amount of time to get anything done compared to most people doing what we did.  Anyway, Sean has a plan in case a similar situation occurs, so that basically I won’t end up doing all that I did.  The sad thing is that I didn’t get all of it done and Sean came to help several times and ultimately Loretta came to help and finished the rest of it.  I just couldn’t do it and get it done in time for the ultimate last deadline.

Sean also witnessed my mother being bitchy with me.  It was interesting how I didn’t really notice entirely… I just noticed that suddenly ‘I’ went from being okay and numb and on autopilot to suddenly a huge internal surge of anger and irritation at my mother and me trying to stifle it down and be okay… and having no idea where or why this sudden shift happened.  I could only assume that others inside had come forward and closer to the front and this brought about these feelings.  Turns out that they must have noticed and heard stuff or picked up on something and so they were triggered forward, rightfully so, since my mother was being the old mother that I remember her to be.  It was sort of like, ahhh, now there’s the mother I recognize from years ago and early adult years.  I knew that side of her was still alive and well, despite her changes in recent years.  Some inside muse that the only reason that side of her isn’t stomping around and kicking and screaming is because the mother is so ill herself that she doesn’t have enough energy and stamina to be that side of her as much as she used to be.  I don’t know.  Just interesting to note is all.

The father came to visit due to my brother’s Wedding October 18th.  We changed the rules with the father and that was so very hard, but we had a ton of support from Sean et al and we got through it.  We also had some support from friends and even though my mother wasn’t what I’d call supportive, she was in a very limited way, more supportive than usual and apparently when I was out of earshot, she was more supportive of me regarding my father than I’ve ever heard her to be.  When speaking to me, she would turn it back to herself and how hard it was for her that he was coming and she had to sit next to him, etc.  Granted, I’m sure it was hard for her, but her support towards me was some flat response and then all about how hard it was for her and maybe even harder for her.  Whatever.  She lacks the ability to support me and hell, we’ve long pushed away any of her meager attempts or limited capabilities to give support, because she has hurt us so much, we simply no longer trust any of it and refuse to open our heart to her again.  We learned that lesson when the body was 17 years old and never again has the heart risked anything deeply personal with her ever again.

We got through the father’s visit.  There’s still processing going on within because we changed so much of the rules with him.  We didn’t play “the game” of being superficial to him and talking about the weather and extended family and saying stupid shit all the while acting like we love him and he’s good and okay while secretly we are still keeping our distance and protection.  That didn’t happen.  Instead we pretty much had nothing to do with him and nothing to say to him.  There’s more to write about all of that.

On the weekend of October 25th, Sean and I took 3 dogs (Zoey and my brother’s 2 dogs… Oakley and Tucker) on a road trip down to the Portland, OR area.  He wanted to go visit his grandma and he wanted us to ‘get away’ after the wedding and after the father leaving town, etc.  It turns out he had something else planned as well. He had planned this before I told him that I would be babysitting Oakley and then my brother ended up unexpectedly adopting another small dog, Tucker.  Sooooo off the two of us (and more, teehee) went with 3 dogs in tow on a road trip…. btw, I don’t recommend taking 3 dogs on a road trip… 2 is plenty….whew….that was an experience. ;-)  Anyway, Sean took us down some back roads that were beautiful and we stayed in a really nice lodge and we visited some of the waterfalls down by the Columbia Gorge.  And on October 25th…. one year to the date that we first met and our paths crossed in life and 7 months to the date after our first date, up on a bridge at Multnomah Falls, he proposed to me!!!  We are happily wearing our ring that we both designed together and it is great that we are ‘officially engaged.’  We actually set a date together long before he did the official proposal. :-)  So we are getting married on July 10, 2010. :-)  We have photos and video and we will tell more of this story in another entry at some point.

Well… Zoey is whining about needing to go potty outside even though she just went about 2 hours ago, but I’m going to take her out.  So until later….

Julie/s (and all)