Apparently it has been a month since we last wrote.  How time passes so quickly for us.  I know this and yet it still routinely amazes and surprises me at how much time we lose or the connection to the length of time that has passed.  It truly doesn’t seem like a month at all.

We’re hanging in there.  Struggling in some ways, mostly internally, though at times it leaks and floods externally.  Things are much of the same as usual in struggles and life coping and in other ways, very tiny steps are made in tiny changes or progress towards some goal or to do list task or something along that lines.

We can’t seem to be very therapeutically inclined these days.  It’s there, lurking in the deeper shadows and crevices in our system and in our mind/s and heart/s, but mostly the emotional exhaustion keeps it pushed down or tucked away or just unbearable to face and deal with because with the emotional exhaustion comes the sweeping waves and storms of the deep sadness and pain and that only stirs up chaos and even more struggles which causes even less energy available when we need it to get through the day and deal with life.  There’s more to all of it, but that’s a sip or a sliver of a taste of it.

Whatever.  I’m writing so disconnectedly because I just can’t seem to write and let myself go.  We could but the risks right now are too great.  I don’t know what those risks are but the words are there.

Our system does things automatically… things I can never quite put into words or understand.  I tend to think critical of it because I want or think I want things to be different or better or something on some higher plane of awareness or existence, but perhaps I need to just accept what it is.  I hate this place of being in between conscious awareness of something, but having no clue what that something is, and yet not in the mode of unconsciously doing something… and oddly not having any fucking clue or words to describe that either.

So we’re here.  We’re around.  Getting through the holidays oddly enough.  I think it makes a huge difference having so much more distance from the mother.  The added difference this year is being with Sean and so for Thanksgiving it was much more like going to the mother’s to visit for Thanksgiving versus having a huge responsibility in it and freaking out and overwhelmed and a complete wreck.  Hell we do that on our own just with this time of year or for that matter, at any time of the year.  So it seems that Christmas might be a lot like Thanksgiving as well and frankly that break or distance is just nice to be a guest of sorts in some ways versus practically the host or this huge helper.  Although it took some ‘downtime’ for recovery, I think we were saved a few days short of what ordinarily would have been additional downtime.

This is just ramble of things.  Just needed to check in and say something.  So fucking exhausted and having trouble sleeping and then at other times sleeping at odd times.  Even when I try to avoid naps and fall asleep in the early evening, say 7:30pm or 8pm, we’re waking up an hour or two later and awake for hours on end.  Then of course if I’m luck to fall asleep between 11pm and 1am, I’m awake between the 3am-4am hour and often for several hours.  It’s just crazy and I’ve stupidly been accepting it for so long because that’s the way it is for me.  Sporadic, ever changing, crazy ass sleep schedule that is never consistent.

Off to try and sleep…