Just needed to share something, however short it may be. We had therapy earlier today and we showed her a collage that gives a general system overview in many ways. We have also been talking a little bit the last several weeks (i think several weeks, not sure) of various things relating to this neighbor boy who abused us. We discussed inside a little bit earlier today as we thought about writing a journal entry, and I thought we might say his first name, but apparently we’re not going to just yet. At any rate, we’ve begun providing some general history of things we’ve known about for a long time, but haven’t fully processed to some kind of healing state.
I questioned and pondered aloud the time before last when I saw Kathy (therapist) as to how does one know and distinguish between a memory that is healed and unpleasant memories that are a part of my past. I am not even coming close to the way I originally phrased it, but that’s the general gist of it, and honestly, it sounds utterly stupid to me now as I type it… like it should just be a duh thing, but it isn’t. At least not the way we were phrasing and wondering about it when we spoke with Kathy.
So we are making slow progress I suppose and are trying to carve out a pathway and plan in our healing as we partake along this new path and new journey of therapy with Kathy. We spoke a lot about the shame and badness that we have and how it is particularly attached to any of the abuse in any way (indirect or direct) by the neighbor boy. We left therapy fairly triggered with a lot of emotions and things close by, along with the us and usz groups very close. They wrote a letter to Kathy and one of the things that was stated in the letter was something about “having to get the sad out of usz.” For some reason it just spoke volumes to me, in that it was something so precious and heart breaking in the way it was worded and shared by the younger ones. I can’t quite put it fully into words, but it touched me and many others inside.
So we are embarking along a journey to “get the sad out of us” and one of those things we’re realizing (once again many times over) is that we need to write down in every detail that we can the various memories we have that surround the abuse and any piece relating indirectly or directly to it. We have a lot of pieces that provide information on what happened and the dynamics with our family and what kind of impact it had on us. I don’t know… I keep feeling like I’m not expressing myself in the way that I need or want to do so.
We’re fighting through the blocks we’ve been having with writing. We’re also continuing to work on a way to have greater access to our computer or one of Sean’s work laptops so that we can continue to push forward in journaling as well as working on our website, etc.
So this note is longer than I thought, but shorter than what all we really need to say ultimately.
Julie/s