We continue to work on stuff related to the neighbor boy and the issues surrounding the abuse. We’ve had times in therapy where we took a break from the topic and talked about issues pertaining to the mother and our family history and family dynamics, etc., and whatever else seemed pertinent at the moment. For the most part though, we still are pushing ourselves and making a concerted effort to stay focused on the subject matter of this neighbor boy and the ramifications it has had on our life and amongst others inside.
It is really hard to face this stuff. We have been making strides in saying his name more in therapy and in group, but it is still too much to actually write his name down for anyone to see. We HATE his name with a huge passion. His name is triggering and thankfully very uncommon, but nevertheless, for years his name or the word that sounds like his name (just a different spelling) has always reminded us of him on some level, and that word is very common. It does seem that the more we push ourselves to say his name the less power his name has over us. Funny how that works. Ha. It’s so obvious of a thing to do and yet in the past and to some extent still today, it is so hard to do and the difficulty buries the obvious solution to it.
We were talking about one of the bigger issues on a larger scope of things and yet so central to so much of it for us at this time, and somehow in talking with Kathy it seems that we may be slowly coming to some sort of ‘peace’ or rather resolution to this issue. It’s still far too sensitive of an issue to write here just yet. We’re just not that brave yet about it. I told Kathy that I couldn’t tell if it was because the real feelings and stuff were so dissociated right now or if perhaps there was an actual hint of peace on this headed our way. It is too hard yet to decipher clearly because when talking to her today, there was no real emotion nearby and it was so matter of fact. We imagined that if anyone was listening and observing us that they would think we were making it up since we were speaking about the subject matter as if it was no big deal. But it is a huge deal. Just we were and really in many ways, we’re so far away from the emotions right now. I think we just have to be. I can sense the deep sadness inside, but I also can sense the utter desperation to stay back from it because to get too close to it means being swallowed up by it and coming face to face with the past realities and truths and horrors.
Therapy with Kathy is going incredibly well. It is so amazingly easy to talk to her and tell her things and there is little or no ramifications (that I know of) for sharing so much with her. She is a very accepting and non-judgmental person and just a great therapist for us.
Anyway, we’ve been dealing with a lot of day to day stuff lately and trying to keep a handle on those things while also working as hard as we can in therapy. There’s still so many changes that we’re trying to adjust to…changes within us, with what we’re doing, outside us in our life, etc.
We’re exhausted and going to try and fall asleep tonight at a decent hour. We’ll see how that goes…
Julies
I avoid using my birth name at all costs and you won’t hear my mother’s name come off my lips nor my cousin’s or uncle’s name. There’s a family friend who had a son who took some liberties and I can’t say his name. He comes up in my artwork from time to time though. Saying the name is just too hard. It makes them real. It makes what they did real.