Archive for the 'Anonymous' Category

Processes of Telling and Switching

Published
by
JAGA
on November 30, 2007
in Anonymous and Julie
. 1 Comment

Yesterday evening we went to group and spoke about a flashback that has been revisiting us since we’ve been sick.  For whatever reason, ever since we’ve been ill, some of us have been having flashbacks of old abuse memories that are apparently still very unresolved and not healed in the manner needed.

Even though I was ‘around,’ it wasn’t me who talked about the information pertaining to the memory.  I’m frankly not sure who it was; yes, L.J. was there, but these days there is a growing awareness that there are other kids besides her fronting.  We are trying to give credit and space where due, particularly since admittedly, L.J. is highly revered around here and she is the automatic default for any remote hint of it being her.  Or as often is the case, it begins as her and others chime in while L.J. flows in and out closer to the front and back and then L.J. usually ends whatever is going on.  This isn’t an exact science and it doesn’t always happen exactly as described– it’s just a general description of what seems to be happening.

So, yes, to the topic at hand, though I’d much prefer to not write about it, and yet, oddly, I’m the one writing it.  It’s not my memory, and yet the inkling of a tiny aspect of me

Continue reading ‘Processes of Telling and Switching’

Listen Up JAGA Harmony

Published
by
JAGA
on November 21, 2007
in Anonymous, System Communication, System Issues and System Wars
. 4 Comments

WE NEED RULES

OUR RULES, NOT THEIRS

Do you got that? Huh? Do you get it? FINALLY? Yah Right. I don’t fucking believe you.  Stop fucking waiting around until they are finally written down and plastered somewhere for all to see around here.  Until it is finally all agreed upon.  Screw that.  Get a grip.  Get a clue.  Get a life.  I hate you.  I hate the way things are going.

Things have got to stop.  Things have got to change.  What a waste.  A total waste of pathetic life.  Where’s the movement?  I mean the movement FORWARD. 

So who’s going to work together?  Who REALLY agrees? Not some lip service with an ass wipe to it. 

I don’t fucking want to hear it.  Here it goes.  The whole dying thing.  I want to die. Wah wah wah. Cry all you want.  I’m so sick of it.  I’m so sick of having to spend all my energy trying not to get sucked up in your whirlpool chaos and crap and crying and dying shit.  Just stop it already for once.

And don’t fucking tell me to shut up either.  I hear you all the time.  Nobody listens to me.

I mean it.  And stop attacking me.  Leave me alone dammit.  I fucking hate you Keeper.  Your little cronies and gang sure to take me and my friends off and away from the front and from others.  I’m tired of being locked away and fucking fighting my ass off.  

I mean how dare things change for the positive.  I mean we couldn’t have that, now can we?  Oh wait, that’s right, it’s against their rules unless we’re with them and like them.  It’s that or be fucking crazy and stupid or dead.

G-d.  Do you have to do that? Do you have to start making me feel physically ill? Head slightly dizzy inside, nauseous, heart trembling, and these other weird physical sensations suddenly.  Dammit.  And now add the chills, the goosebumps from nowhere.  I fucking hate this. 

Just break it.  Break that bond. Break that chain.  Break that fucking programming.  Fucking please. 

This is fucking insane.  This isn’t what I thought would be happening.  We have the time to heal.  We have the time to get a life.  We have the time to figure out shit.  To get things done the way everyone in here wants them. So fucking do it.  Don’t waste it. I’m sick of this.

It’s about everyone getting a chance to have time to work on what is important to them.  A little bit every day or every week will go a shit long way in going forward and fucking functioning instead of fucking fighting and so much energy trying to survive and words that just aren’t there to explain how things are and the way they work.  

And if these ideas don’t work, I don’t fucking know what to do.

Oh what’s that?  You’re peeking around checking me out?  Don’t know who I am? Ha.  Like I’d tell you.  Didn’t know I existed? Of course fucking not.  Why do you think we have The Keys.  The Functions.  They do know their jobs well.  

So yah,whatever, don’t start your whole denying me and denying my existance crap.  It’s so predictable.  You never knew about me before and can’t believe that someone like me exists and GASP is writing here and talking and being.  OMFG, it can’t be true. “I can’t be real.”  That’s just so lame.  What?  You believe in some of the others, but not me?  I mean someone like me just couldn’t appear suddenly, now could they?  We can’t have someone so fucking different and saying shit ya don’t want to hear or deal with and is real.

Or better yet– the bigger deal.  Someone who fucking wants a life for reals.  Someone who wants more than what exists now in this life.  

Ahh damn, I’m outta here.  I’m fading fast.  So much for that awareness and talking.  Whatever.  I’m here and I’m going to keep fighting them.  And I’m not alone.  We grow stronger as time goes on.  

And the battle continues…

Their Night Star

Published
by
JAGA
on September 2, 2007
in Anonymous
. 1 Comment Tags: .

I used to know what it was like
to hang my head low
and see the stars at night
take me with them into the light.

But now what’s left of me
is ever so still and lost,
taken into the night
and starved to death of any fight.

This fight is not my own
and never was, though people
say I did to survive.

I did not fight
the will of men
breaking-in to
my light within.

For surely I would have died.

Oh but this is all a lie
and I never would have died,
for I was not there, nor they were there,
to lie by speaking a lie.

Doesn’t anyone see
Survival isn’t mine to own;
They chose whether I lived,
and they choose whether I die-
then or now or years to come.