Archive for the 'julie/s (lc)' Category

vulnerability

we think a big part of our silence and inability to write much the last year or two has been this growing fear, worry, anxiety, and awareness that with the right key words, our mother could find our journal. in knowing Sean, it opens us up to her or family searching his full name or what not and a few more key words and our site is surely to be found. we resisted the whole facebook thing, but we finally signed up and of course the mother is a friend along with other family and friends… and many we haven’t even searched for, added, etc., and we’re keenly aware that given the right circumstances, a click here or there if some of our friends’ privacy settings are low that eventually it could lead to our journal.

then there has always been the awareness that we’re so out there or at least can be and there’s always the chance that our mother could accidentally stumble upon our site or someone else who knows enough about me and my life and put things together. if someone read enough, and they knew my mother or my family, they’d probably put it together, even if we used pseudonyms for the people in our life that we mention by first name in our journal. this is why we finally settled on that debate regarding whether to use pseudonyms or not– we decided it didn’t wholly matter as anyone knowing us and our life, family, friends, etc. could figure out who was who even with pseudonyms and so it didn’t make sense. we know on some level which people in our life absolutely require complete anonymity and hope that others who might take issue with it would let us know.

anyway, so we’re thinking that this fear, worry, anxiety, etc. is behind a large part of the silence and struggle with writing anything in our journal. we used to write daily or almost daily… though some of those journal entries are not posted here because we still have to import them. we’ve done a reasonable amount of journal writing in our handwritten journal throughout these periods of silence, but that hasn’t been scanned here.

we want to be the ones with the courage, the braveness, the openness, rawness, etc. that we see other friends and bloggers do. we admire that so much. we want to not care or to feel free to reveal, to tell how it is, to help others in some way hopefully, to share with those who know us (and we know they’ve been to our site or been given the info) so that they can know how we’re doing if they want to know. we want a strong living record of our life, our healing journey, our thoughts, feelings, etc., because so much of it is forgotten and lost somewhere and so much more is captured with words… and words we can return back to for reference, patterns, growth, healing, etc.

instead the silence lives and we argue and are divided inside about so many different thoughts, ideas, feelings, philosophies, dynamics, etc. regarding whether to journal or not journal. we’ve debated whether to go to all password posts and whether to just push past all of this and be an open book and whether there is some kind of balance. in the midst of all of this, we end up at this standstill, the standstill and safety of silence. but where does that get us? silence eventually leads to a sense of failure, badness, shame, etc. of its own making because we aren’t writing when there is so so so much going on inside that we need to share, want to share, explore, and take further along that writing and processing brings for us. instead it just sits within, spinning, circling, withering away, with only a small chance of living and not being buried deep within with everything else. our life is about burying things. it is so automatic. even the good things… they get lost or buried and we’re left with only the hope it will be remembered instead of splintered and scattered pieces or nothing of it left.

we know it really boils down to whether we can handle our mother or someone else we know that we prefer to keep this journal private and away from them, from whether we can handle and accept that happening and the potential effects of that. we aren’t worried about the father because we’re pretty sure he is fairly computer illiterate or really doesn’t use a pc much at all. there’s always the worry that if we post links or info about a certain friend that our brother might decide to google her and eventually find our site and then that would be bad as our family would then know.

there’s just so much about this topic and issue and there’s a lot more bottom lines that we know exist besides what we just wrote. we’re not sure how to settle this within as there are loud and competing philosophies and ideas and stuff about this topic and uggh, it sucks.

this has been going on for us for a long time, and we’ve been fighting it within for a long time, and lately it seems, the silence is winning the battle. the ‘do nothing’, ’say nothing,’ etc. because it is safer seems to be the default right now. and there are quite a few of us that want it different or think we want it different or something.

so here’s a start to conquering this and finding a solution for ourselves.

julie/s, julies, Julies

tremors, focusing, and leaving, oh my—today’s thoughts

earlier today we discovered a tremor with our right thumb and possibly the beginnings of a tremor with a few of our right fingers if they are placed in a certain position.  the thumb though is pretty much a guarantee though in a certain position. we noticed while holding our mouse.  and of course now that we went to actually try and replicate it– we can’t do so.  so perhaps it is only with certain insiders.  i’m not sure.  it was stressing a number of us out because the mother has tremors of unknown origin and she’s had tons of tests done.  and she says her father had tremors as well.  so anyway, we did a little bit of research and came up with a few possibilities.  then we were so exhausted suddenly and had to go lay down and take a nap.  it was the kind of exhaustion that we know and experience a lot as we weren’t tired really just prior to noticing the tremor and then doing a few brief research things on it.  it seems like it doesn’t take much at all to push us past our stress limit and we have to ‘go lay down’ which ultimately usually ends up in a nap.

Mostly we just find it interesting and wanted to document how we’ve noticed how something benign and minor in a lot of ways can affect us so quickly and exhaust us to the point that we can’t seem to push past it without laying down in bed and taking a nap…with the hope it will have subsided by the time we wake up.

It’s not just this example… there are so many.  It’s like one thing can so easily throw us off course in the day or night and we’ve suddenly gone from managing, coping, or surviving, or perhaps even doing okay or well to this drastic non-functioning mode.  We’re still trying to pay more attention to it and document it because we’re really trying to understand this pattern and dynamic and how to get a handle on it instead of it handling us.

This also seems to be connected or tied in somehow to the whole ‘only able to really focus on one major thing at a time’ sort of thing.  And yet that sounds so crazy, being multiple and all.  It’s hard to explain and put into words because we’re trying to recognize it and understand this dynamic as well.  One example we can think of is how when we’re at Sean’s house, it’s like that’s ‘our world,’ and even though we know in the background there is this and that we need to do or take care of and is on our agenda, there’s still like a big concentration on being with him/them and living at his place and whatever is going on around us there. We also tend to ‘disappear’ from staying in contact with our other friends or journaling.  We’re working on changing that though.

This weekend our big focus has been our kitchen cabinets.  It’s taken us days and hours, but there have been tons and tons of breaks.  On one hand our only focus has been the cabinets… in that we can’t really cope with much of anything else and we are struggling to get it done and can’t cope with taking on anything else, even though there are tons of other things we need to be doing and there are friends locally we could be visiting or helping in some way. But we can only focus or handle the cabinets.  Yet that isn’t entirely true because we’ve had numerous breaks and often they are hours long breaks after a short bit of working on the cabinets.  The breaks have basically involved either the computer or napping or sleeping.  It seems the kids and some of us older ones as well have been taking breaks and visiting our neopet and playing lots of neopets word games and so forth.  Somehow playing word games justifies the time spent playing those games.  And of course we like word games anyway.  Plus just general web surfing or email a bit, but a lot of that has been reading.  It’s just that the whole idea of doing other necessary tasks that are critical and urgent things on our business to do list– we can’t cope with them because we’re dealing with the kitchen cabinets.  And if we did cope with them, the kitchen cabinets would have to go.  Rather than going back and forth between them.  And this whole weekend has really been about those stupid kitchen cabinets, which by the way, we’re nearly done with them.  Seriously.  A few more steps and that is it.  Then comes cleaning everything again before putting them away in the cabinets with organization and order.  Uggh.  The sad and shame thing is that we were feeling so much anxiety and being overwhelmed with it all that we couldn’t handle leaving the house to go visit our nephews or the mother to help her with something she needs help on.  Part of it is that we’re leaving out of town in a little over a week for a week with Sean and so that always stresses us out to go out of town, even if it is a good and pleasant trip kind of thing.  And I think when we have more “order and togetherness” in our life that leaving out of town won’t cause nearly as much anxiety as it does for us “to leave.”  But “to leave” is another huge thing for us too.  We have huge issues around ‘leaving’ anywhere that we are at.  Now I just thought while writing it that perhaps it has to do with the whole dissociation factor of ‘leaving,’ and perhaps that is why we always have anxiety and stress and stuff around it.  I don’t know.  I still haven’t figured out exactly what the deal is with ‘leaving’ people or places.

And really when we re-read all of that and think about it, we wouldn’t have been able to cope with going anywhere at all this weekend until we get these darn cabinets done.  We’re just sticking our feet in this and plowing away until they are done, even though it is taking us days and hours to get any of it done.  Had we just stayed with it from the beginning it would have only totaled out to be a few hours (perhaps longer than that), but really, they would have been done in a day for sure.

We’ve written a lot and need to get back to the cabinets before we lose our energy.  We actually were going to write about something else that is really hard to write about and so we ended up writing all of this… which is important too.

julie/s and Julie/s

dream with huge spiritual battle

we have these spiritual battle dreams a lot. we used to have them much more often and much more scarier and different. i guess we’re getting stronger or just used to them more and more. i think some of it is that we’re less afraid than we used to be and feel more powerful that the evil can’t get us like before. but some inside are saying it all depends on who is outfront and close by as to how fearful it can be. but i was thinking that maybe something has changed still over the years. like somehow some inside trust more that others inside that are big or something will keep them safe. it’s hard to say that some inside trust more that god will keep them safe, but i don’t know, maybe.

i feel different. i feel like julie and yet i don’t feel like her at all. and i don’t quite feel like i’m one of the julies. it’s strange. i guess really i’m just from a different group and really close to julie. like really close. i feel stupid and dumb that i can’t figure out who i am and what group i’m with and it makes me feel like we’re really a fake multiple and bad and stupid even though i know we’re not fake. i mean i know we’re multiple. we just have times where stuff like this is blocked when we come outside or close to the outside. i think sometimes this happens more often with multiples who have lots and lots of insiders, but maybe it happens to those who don’t have as many insiders too. i don’t know for sure. i can’t remember what other multiples with smaller systems have said they experienced. i just know that other large systems have said they experience the same thing sometimes. whatever. i got off track big time. oh well.

that right there tells me i’m definitely not julie cuz she writes and talks a bit differently, especially when she’s journaling. okay, someone inside is yelling at me to shut up and now they are saying shut the fuck up. so i better.

so we had this huge and i mean huge spiritual battle dream. there were tons and tons of people, more dark than light it seemed. and of course the dark people tricked us a lot into looking like the light people we knew sometimes and instead of being on our side and us trusting them, it would turn out that they were trying to kill us and suffocate us with the dark and overpower us and for us to know that they are everywhere and very powerful and we couldn’t get away or do anything to stop them or trust or turn to the light. that the light with jesus and god up in heaven can’t help us. that they are less powerful and weak. that the dark is everywhere and always powerful. that the only light there is, is the light that is dark. the dark light is everywhere and more powerful than the other light cuz it can trick us and make us think it is the real light and if they can do that, then of course they are more powerful and better than the other light because the other light can never trick us into thinking it is the dark cuz they wouldn’t ever want to cuz it is only about light. but if it was really all powerful it could be light and dark. and that is how the dark light is more powerful and better.

i don’t know where that came from but it came out without thinking really. somebody must have been writing with me and stuff. it’s kind of scary to think about or read that. so i won’t. well, not for awhile at least. i think the hands are shaking and starting to feel that scared and trembly feeling inside the body and in the fingers cuz we know we’re going to send this and people might read it. oh boy. oh well. we can do this. our voice is getting louder these days. it’s different than the kind of “oh well. we dare you to come get us (cause secretly we want you to so you will kill us for us) kind of louder voice. ” it’s the kind of louder voice of we’re stronger than you and we have people on our side and you can’t get us and if you do, you’re in big, big trouble. well, some inside are informing me that is not the case for other kids inside and they don’t believe that. i guess what matters is that some of us inside are starting to believe this and feel this and also take action by writing and sending and telling. so even if all of us are not there yet, a few of us at least are. that’s good. i think at least. no, i know that is good.

Continue reading ‘dream with huge spiritual battle’