then there has always been the awareness that we’re so out there or at least can be and there’s always the chance that our mother could accidentally stumble upon our site or someone else who knows enough about me and my life and put things together. if someone read enough, and they knew my mother or my family, they’d probably put it together, even if we used pseudonyms for the people in our life that we mention by first name in our journal. this is why we finally settled on that debate regarding whether to use pseudonyms or not– we decided it didn’t wholly matter as anyone knowing us and our life, family, friends, etc. could figure out who was who even with pseudonyms and so it didn’t make sense. we know on some level which people in our life absolutely require complete anonymity and hope that others who might take issue with it would let us know.

anyway, so we’re thinking that this fear, worry, anxiety, etc. is behind a large part of the silence and struggle with writing anything in our journal. we used to write daily or almost daily… though some of those journal entries are not posted here because we still have to import them. we’ve done a reasonable amount of journal writing in our handwritten journal throughout these periods of silence, but that hasn’t been scanned here.

we want to be the ones with the courage, the braveness, the openness, rawness, etc. that we see other friends and bloggers do. we admire that so much. we want to not care or to feel free to reveal, to tell how it is, to help others in some way hopefully, to share with those who know us (and we know they’ve been to our site or been given the info) so that they can know how we’re doing if they want to know. we want a strong living record of our life, our healing journey, our thoughts, feelings, etc., because so much of it is forgotten and lost somewhere and so much more is captured with words… and words we can return back to for reference, patterns, growth, healing, etc.

instead the silence lives and we argue and are divided inside about so many different thoughts, ideas, feelings, philosophies, dynamics, etc. regarding whether to journal or not journal. we’ve debated whether to go to all password posts and whether to just push past all of this and be an open book and whether there is some kind of balance. in the midst of all of this, we end up at this standstill, the standstill and safety of silence. but where does that get us? silence eventually leads to a sense of failure, badness, shame, etc. of its own making because we aren’t writing when there is so so so much going on inside that we need to share, want to share, explore, and take further along that writing and processing brings for us. instead it just sits within, spinning, circling, withering away, with only a small chance of living and not being buried deep within with everything else. our life is about burying things. it is so automatic. even the good things… they get lost or buried and we’re left with only the hope it will be remembered instead of splintered and scattered pieces or nothing of it left.

we know it really boils down to whether we can handle our mother or someone else we know that we prefer to keep this journal private and away from them, from whether we can handle and accept that happening and the potential effects of that. we aren’t worried about the father because we’re pretty sure he is fairly computer illiterate or really doesn’t use a pc much at all. there’s always the worry that if we post links or info about a certain friend that our brother might decide to google her and eventually find our site and then that would be bad as our family would then know.

there’s just so much about this topic and issue and there’s a lot more bottom lines that we know exist besides what we just wrote. we’re not sure how to settle this within as there are loud and competing philosophies and ideas and stuff about this topic and uggh, it sucks.

this has been going on for us for a long time, and we’ve been fighting it within for a long time, and lately it seems, the silence is winning the battle. the ‘do nothing’, ‘say nothing,’ etc. because it is safer seems to be the default right now. and there are quite a few of us that want it different or think we want it different or something.

so here’s a start to conquering this and finding a solution for ourselves.

julie/s, julies, Julies

Mostly we just find it interesting and wanted to document how we’ve noticed how something benign and minor in a lot of ways can affect us so quickly and exhaust us to the point that we can’t seem to push past it without laying down in bed and taking a nap…with the hope it will have subsided by the time we wake up.

It’s not just this example… there are so many.  It’s like one thing can so easily throw us off course in the day or night and we’ve suddenly gone from managing, coping, or surviving, or perhaps even doing okay or well to this drastic non-functioning mode.  We’re still trying to pay more attention to it and document it because we’re really trying to understand this pattern and dynamic and how to get a handle on it instead of it handling us.

This also seems to be connected or tied in somehow to the whole ‘only able to really focus on one major thing at a time’ sort of thing.  And yet that sounds so crazy, being multiple and all.  It’s hard to explain and put into words because we’re trying to recognize it and understand this dynamic as well.  One example we can think of is how when we’re at Sean’s house, it’s like that’s ‘our world,’ and even though we know in the background there is this and that we need to do or take care of and is on our agenda, there’s still like a big concentration on being with him/them and living at his place and whatever is going on around us there. We also tend to ‘disappear’ from staying in contact with our other friends or journaling.  We’re working on changing that though.

This weekend our big focus has been our kitchen cabinets.  It’s taken us days and hours, but there have been tons and tons of breaks.  On one hand our only focus has been the cabinets… in that we can’t really cope with much of anything else and we are struggling to get it done and can’t cope with taking on anything else, even though there are tons of other things we need to be doing and there are friends locally we could be visiting or helping in some way. But we can only focus or handle the cabinets.  Yet that isn’t entirely true because we’ve had numerous breaks and often they are hours long breaks after a short bit of working on the cabinets.  The breaks have basically involved either the computer or napping or sleeping.  It seems the kids and some of us older ones as well have been taking breaks and visiting our neopet and playing lots of neopets word games and so forth.  Somehow playing word games justifies the time spent playing those games.  And of course we like word games anyway.  Plus just general web surfing or email a bit, but a lot of that has been reading.  It’s just that the whole idea of doing other necessary tasks that are critical and urgent things on our business to do list– we can’t cope with them because we’re dealing with the kitchen cabinets.  And if we did cope with them, the kitchen cabinets would have to go.  Rather than going back and forth between them.  And this whole weekend has really been about those stupid kitchen cabinets, which by the way, we’re nearly done with them.  Seriously.  A few more steps and that is it.  Then comes cleaning everything again before putting them away in the cabinets with organization and order.  Uggh.  The sad and shame thing is that we were feeling so much anxiety and being overwhelmed with it all that we couldn’t handle leaving the house to go visit our nephews or the mother to help her with something she needs help on.  Part of it is that we’re leaving out of town in a little over a week for a week with Sean and so that always stresses us out to go out of town, even if it is a good and pleasant trip kind of thing.  And I think when we have more “order and togetherness” in our life that leaving out of town won’t cause nearly as much anxiety as it does for us “to leave.”  But “to leave” is another huge thing for us too.  We have huge issues around ‘leaving’ anywhere that we are at.  Now I just thought while writing it that perhaps it has to do with the whole dissociation factor of ‘leaving,’ and perhaps that is why we always have anxiety and stress and stuff around it.  I don’t know.  I still haven’t figured out exactly what the deal is with ‘leaving’ people or places.

And really when we re-read all of that and think about it, we wouldn’t have been able to cope with going anywhere at all this weekend until we get these darn cabinets done.  We’re just sticking our feet in this and plowing away until they are done, even though it is taking us days and hours to get any of it done.  Had we just stayed with it from the beginning it would have only totaled out to be a few hours (perhaps longer than that), but really, they would have been done in a day for sure.

We’ve written a lot and need to get back to the cabinets before we lose our energy.  We actually were going to write about something else that is really hard to write about and so we ended up writing all of this… which is important too.

julie/s and Julie/s

i feel different. i feel like julie and yet i don’t feel like her at all. and i don’t quite feel like i’m one of the julies. it’s strange. i guess really i’m just from a different group and really close to julie. like really close. i feel stupid and dumb that i can’t figure out who i am and what group i’m with and it makes me feel like we’re really a fake multiple and bad and stupid even though i know we’re not fake. i mean i know we’re multiple. we just have times where stuff like this is blocked when we come outside or close to the outside. i think sometimes this happens more often with multiples who have lots and lots of insiders, but maybe it happens to those who don’t have as many insiders too. i don’t know for sure. i can’t remember what other multiples with smaller systems have said they experienced. i just know that other large systems have said they experience the same thing sometimes. whatever. i got off track big time. oh well.

that right there tells me i’m definitely not julie cuz she writes and talks a bit differently, especially when she’s journaling. okay, someone inside is yelling at me to shut up and now they are saying shut the fuck up. so i better.

so we had this huge and i mean huge spiritual battle dream. there were tons and tons of people, more dark than light it seemed. and of course the dark people tricked us a lot into looking like the light people we knew sometimes and instead of being on our side and us trusting them, it would turn out that they were trying to kill us and suffocate us with the dark and overpower us and for us to know that they are everywhere and very powerful and we couldn’t get away or do anything to stop them or trust or turn to the light. that the light with jesus and god up in heaven can’t help us. that they are less powerful and weak. that the dark is everywhere and always powerful. that the only light there is, is the light that is dark. the dark light is everywhere and more powerful than the other light cuz it can trick us and make us think it is the real light and if they can do that, then of course they are more powerful and better than the other light because the other light can never trick us into thinking it is the dark cuz they wouldn’t ever want to cuz it is only about light. but if it was really all powerful it could be light and dark. and that is how the dark light is more powerful and better.

i don’t know where that came from but it came out without thinking really. somebody must have been writing with me and stuff. it’s kind of scary to think about or read that. so i won’t. well, not for awhile at least. i think the hands are shaking and starting to feel that scared and trembly feeling inside the body and in the fingers cuz we know we’re going to send this and people might read it. oh boy. oh well. we can do this. our voice is getting louder these days. it’s different than the kind of “oh well. we dare you to come get us (cause secretly we want you to so you will kill us for us) kind of louder voice. ” it’s the kind of louder voice of we’re stronger than you and we have people on our side and you can’t get us and if you do, you’re in big, big trouble. well, some inside are informing me that is not the case for other kids inside and they don’t believe that. i guess what matters is that some of us inside are starting to believe this and feel this and also take action by writing and sending and telling. so even if all of us are not there yet, a few of us at least are. that’s good. i think at least. no, i know that is good.

apparently we are having a hard time writing about this dream. mostly i don’t want to “go there” because it feels like it will drain everything out of me to really begin telling this dream and i need to get stuff done. we way overslept although we didn’t go to bed till like 4 or 5 or something in the morning. i don’t remember really. but still, we should have set our alarm, but we didn’t. i just figured we wouldn’t sleep more than a few hours since we usually wake up a little bit after a few hours anyway. but if we did, we fell back asleep. obviously.

so there were tons and tons of people. it kinda started with being with somebody that was sort of with law enforcement or something and we saw these dead people. they were “important people” meaning they came from money and had professional lives and so of course they were given a lot of time trying to figure out stuff. but it was weird. they were outside, partially dressed, sitting up and it looked like they had died while partying- i.e. while drinking beer cuz some had cups and stuff in their hand and they really looked alive, but well, ha, stiff. it was weird. a bathroom or something was nearby. there was some kind of thing where rape was indicated as possibly how they died or something weird happened afterwards. it’s all fuzzy right here but we were talking to that someone who had connections to the law enforcement and he was taking our ideas or thoughts as to what happened and who or something and listening and wanting to investigate, but investigate secretly from the other officers because he knew the other officers would scoff at these ideas. i have no idea what our ideas were, but anyway, the dream kind of shifts then to like something else. i can’t remember and it is fuzzy. i remember there is a baby that is quite limber and doing things babies can’t really do developmentally and i go to try and get him because i’m afraid for his safety and he is on this motorcycle or something that is indoors and there are other people around and at least one other kid or something. for some reason i can’t get up and i’m sitting and so i try to manipulate my body to reach him and get him before he gets hurt and i manage to get ahold of him but the motorcycle falls on me and i’m holding him and i can’t move and so i have to call for help. after i get him and am holding him he poops something nasty and i think it is kind of diarrhea or something cuz a little bit gets on my knee and apparently i’m wearing shorts so it is on my skin. i try not to gross out and go to the changing area but i don’t know where his diapers are or his diaper bag is. there is a changing area suddenly and sort of a daycare type room area with cubbies. and this kid is huge–he is a big kid… chunky and big and so he needs a big diaper, not just any regular diaper. and there’s about 4 diaper bags to choose from and for whatever reason, i think he is able to kind of communicate to me and so i’m asking him and he sort of tells me one bag, which i think is the one anyway, but i don’t totally trust that and so kind of take a peek at the other bags. so then i try to go change him. but i don’t remember actually changing him. there was some kind of distraction by the other people that were there all along. and then i don’t remember that part of the dream.

i think some other stuff about the investigation into those dead people happened. and then somehow i’m able to see dead people or something and they are following me. and someone else who can see dead people realizes that as well, but i try to act like i don’t know, etc. this part of the dream stuff happened but i can’t remember it really well. this is really hazy, even the part i wrote about.

then i’m in like a jail of some kind. and instead of seeing bars and stuff, i’m like above some kind of ramp or something that leads down to this big open area and in that big open area below me are all these prisoners. and i think of this place as a jail. and this is where it gets really confusing because i don’t remember all the pieces to it. but the gist is that these people are all dark. and the dead people following me are light. and somehow in all of this, a spiritual battle ensues. and of course the dark light is trying to get me and kill me and suck all the light out of me so that i’m dark light too. and we’re fighting it very hard. and there aren’t that many light people on my side to begin with. and they join the fight in general because they are sort of fighting for themselves too. a few try to protect me a bit (i think) as i can’t really remember, but it seems like some fight too not just for themselves but so i can be there, but some of that is cuz they need my help so they have more of a reason to fight for me versus just doing it for no selfless reason. we don’t remember this part all that well. lots and lots of stuff happened. we remember pieces but it is all out of order and sort of like snapshots of this or that, but no real data behind it.

so here’s those snapshots of things:

dogs were part of the fight a little bit or around a few times or maybe that was later in the dream

we were trying really hard to call upon god up in heaven and jesus to use their light to fight the dark and dark light. the dark was overpowering us and exhausting us. they were winning. they had more power and more people. they were killing (but not really killing) just killing in a different way those of us with the light. they were forcing us to their side where we had no more light in us, except dark light. but we were fighting so hard to not let them win.

then sometime much later in the dream and after much fighting and almost losing and after lots and lots of trickery on the dark light side. they were tricking us and making themselves appear as though they were people we knew already on the light side and thought they were safe but actually they were dark and had somehow transformed themselves to the light side and appeared physically like someone we knew that was on the light side. yet on the dark side they looked different physically. i don’t know the word, but they physically changed and made themselves appear as some of the ones on the light side fighting, so then we see them, thinking they are on the light side, but really they are on the dark side. and we find out much too late or almost too late. we feel stupid and bad and dumb and scared to trust for not realizing and not able to tell the difference. for surely we should be able to tell the difference, but we aren’t able to in the dream. we start to learn and get a bit smarter about it, but still, it’s very hard to tell or trust any of those on our light side, because we don’t know which ones might really be the dark side tricking us.

at some point, we realize that the most powerful way to fight is not to call upon our own internal light or internal light of god up in heaven and jesus, but instead to call upon the light of god from above and jesus and use their light and their power against them. i mean in the dream we thought we were doing that all along, but somehow we realized there was a difference and we weren’t fighting with all the power we could have and really in truth, the power that belonged to god up in heaven and jesus to begin with. so then we were using god’s and jesus’s power like that and it was working way better and so we started to spread the word and we started to get lights to come on and have better results. we’re still above and in different areas above this big open area below where the majority of the dark people are, but in different places that we’re at, we encounter dark people too. we are moving from place to place and trying to stay above the huge crowd of dark people, but the dark people have come up and are fighting and they are also trying to get us to be down with them where they can smother us and kill us and surround us. they are trying to trick us to be separated from our light group. they seem focused on us specifically, as though we are the leader and if they kill us and smother us and stop us from fighting, then they have effectively won and the light group we’re with will die too and stop fighting.

there was something very weird that happened that we just got a flash of the electrical kind of flash and weird thing that happened in the dream. we can’t really remember it, but there was definitely energy and electricity thing going on at one point. we mean it was a serious spiritual battle and in the dream it was like we were fighting at one point to not be sucked into this other “state of mind” sort of like maybe deep hypnosis or something, but not that either. and there was this flash of like electricity or something and this feeling of sinking deeper and fighting hard to not do that because we knew only bad would come of that and knowing we had angels or something stronger and more powerful than us helping us to not sink deep into that… but we had to be fighting too ourselves and we were. it’s hard to explain and we hardly remember it anyway so even harder to explain that in the first place.

tired already. the fight worked when we told ourselves and reminded ourselves and others in our light group to use god’s (up in heaven) and jesus’s power of light from above and their resources and not rely on our inner resources of light to fight. it worked way better when we were using their resources. and we were focusing and changing our brain thoughts differently as we fought. especially when they (dark) surrounded us and were trying to kill us and smother us with the dark. we kept focusing and keeping our mind very focused on what we were imagining and not what they were doing to us and not the fears and feelings of what they were doing to us. and even when the dark got the best of us, we remembered the stars in the sky and how they were light and focused on the stars and the stars getting brighter and used the stars’ light to fight when the dark had nearly killed us.

eventually we (me/us and the light group) had nearly all the dark transformed into light and no more dark. but a few times we thought it was done, but had given up too soon with certain people and so learned to do it and fight them long after we thought they were safe and secure in the light. and at one point, we realized we were getting even better and faster and easier results when we started having compassion and love for those in the dark who were clearly in pain or hurting and had bad things happen to them which is why they turned to the dark or thought that was their only choice, etc. and so we started saying aloud compassionate things and our (light) group seemed to be going along with it too. and more and more lights came on in the jail area and the dark people who were now light people, seemed to be freer than before.

and then came the leader of the dark group…after us. it is funny but he appeared at some point as this great big black square with short feet and short arms. at the same time, he was like a black blob that wasn’t entirely defined like that either. i know, very strange. but nice, cause usually we get these ugly demonic type creatures after us and i much prefer a big black square-ish blob. and we fought very hard and used the tools we had discovered– by relying on god’s and jesus’s power of light from above and also by using compassion and love and sadness for this dark creature’s pain. and it worked and interestingly, the black creature thing turned into a baby boy. so then i began holding this baby boy, knowing it still had the dark in him, and kept rocking it and soothing it with love, compassion, and saying things that acknowledged it’s pain and saying how sorry i was that it had been hurt so much. i seemed to know if i could get him to fall asleep, then the dark would be gone or nearly gone and then with some more light pouring in to him, the dark would be totally gone. and we kept focused and when we’d start to lose focus, we could tell as he would start to wake back up more and so we kept holding him, rocking him in our arms, and focusing all the light, compassion, love, sadness for his pain. and he fell asleep.

and i think we woke up after that. or actually i think the dream may have jumped from that to this thing with dogs and a room and other stuff we don’t really remember. i’m not sure. the last thing we really remember is holding this baby boy and looking into his face and soothing him and seeing him fall asleep and knowing we had filled him with light.

okay, that was one weird dream. and yet, we think positive, despite the fight it took. we really hate spiritual battle dreams, but yet it seems like more and more over the years, we’re winning and less fearful and gaining our own power and strength or at least realizing our own and realizing how best to turn to god and jesus for strength and power when we need to do so at the most critical points.

whatever. some inside are getting angry with me for saying all of that. we still have issues with god and jesus. at least some inside do.

so that was our weird dream. and we wrote way more than i thought we were going to be able to do. i guess it is just getting past the initial writing block and then often after we start writing, to get past one more block of someone exhausting us or trying to put us to sleep or give us no energy, and then we end up writing one long ass entry, such as this one.

so that’s it for now. i think this dream was rather telling. we may go back over and highlight in bold or italics sometime later on the key things that are rather “telling” to us.

someone unknown, probably from the others group, julie, julie/s, and whomever else

i only really know to ask Laura.  and Juile if she is around still.  and Juila.  i don’t think Rita or Shirley do these things.  maybe Susie or Sue or ?  i feel foolish writing here.  we need help from others inside.  we’re supposed to ask for help.  but i’m not sure they can come forward anyway and besides why would they want to?  it’s so depressing right now but then i think and remember that they don’t really feel things too much or at least have more distance from the feelings so why would that really bother them?  maybe it is just us that worry it is because we taint them and would affect and destroy them somehow with our feelings and so they stay away cuz they don’t want to be anywhere close to us or the outside when we are like this.  but i’m not sure that is really why.  one time Billie wrote about them being kind of locked up or something like that by some inside that are really high up in power and energy.  but we never really dealt with that issue and some of us didn’t even know that till Billie wrote it and we saw it.  but if they are locked up, then how come it seems someone/s of them come out sometimes still?  it’s like they aren’t in control of that and sometimes it is ok, but most of the time it isn’t okay.  so why is it that sometimes it is ok? what makes it okay? who lets them out or how do they get out front to help?

i don’t know.  i’m really tired.  we’re really trying hard to fight this depression and such deep sadness.  we need to get things done.  i’m asking for help from those inside that can help.  i already know Billie doesn’t want to as she’s always busy with something inside, but maybe she will.  it’s just she will be pissy about it.  and it isn’t fair to expect so much of her to do everything.

there’s more, but that’s all i can say right now.  maybe later.

julie/s