trying to breathe. remember to breathe. one day at a time. one moment at a time. it’s still too much. i don’t mean to be here but i needed to be heard. i heard some of the Julies and one was trying to convince herself she isn’t multiple and another was saying she’s fine and everything and we should just stop therapy and just stop looking at all this stuff. maybe it wasn’t someone/s from the Julies group. i don’t know. i think i’m supposed to know but i don’t. i just heard them from far away. they are big like the Julies are or they sound bigger and stronger and more okay than me or most in here. i mean they sound normal. and they really like to believe that they’re normal and there was someone around them that didn’t feel normal but she didn’t feel like she was a normal multiple either. like she just didn’t belong anywhere. and the ones who think they’re normal and they’re all big, they were talking as if or acting as if or something cuz i could tell and they were saying how they don’t lose time and stuff. but they’re wrong cuz i know. they just don’t realize they do. they don’t know that some kids came out tonight cuz of a thunderstorm and lightening and it was really, really loud and scary and then someone inside who likes to hear the thunder and see the lightening came out too and then later tonight some other kids came out cuz we saw something scary on the t.v. it was about scary animals and we saw a spider bite a little baby and then a big snake in the toilet. we were watching another show, just we would turn to that when the commercials were on instead of getting up and doing something. and they don’t get it that the kids were there. that we got our emmie bear and we were rubbing our fingers on her dress instead of fingers together and stuff. they don’t think they lost time but they did and just don’t remember it or something.

so they just like to think they’re normal and that normal multiple stuff (whatever that is) doesn’t happen to them and stuff like that but they just don’t know and don’t remember. but it does and i hope they read this too.

sometimes they make me mad. i know they have to know somehow about all this therapy and multiple stuff and it’s like they really like to forget about all the pain the rest of us have and all the stuff that’s so hard for us and things. they just like to pretend it doesn’t exist or they can get over it or something and that they are somehow better than us or something and that makes me mad. maybe they don’t think that or something but sometimes that’s what it feels like. it’s like they forget to feel and have compassion and empathy and stuff. probably cuz they just don’t feel things really. i mean not like a bunch of us others do.

and it’s also stupid cuz i really think they must know how much stuff they don’t remember and don’t know about and stuff when asked or when they got to know and remember and can’t remember. i guess they know how to be in denial or how to convince themselves really good something else or whatever.

we have to stop now.

melie and melee, and some others (around)