I don’t recall what we were thinking or planning on writing next after we completed Part One earlier today (now yesterday). I sort of feel like what is left to talk about is the actual memory or visual picture(s) we are seeing. And in a way process out what is so hard to believe about it.
*** (in very small writing and a small voice) i’m very terrified of being wrong. i don’t want to accuse him of doing something he didn’t do.
*** This particular memory or visual picture(s) is the only thing that equates to what some inside view as “real sexual abuse” and not just “inappropriate behavior.”
Basically many inside discount and minimize the other stuff that we recall and know for sure happened–we do not doubt those things at all. Although if I was real with myself, I would recall that when these memories (the ones now referred to as not real sexual abuse) surfaced about my father, they were very distressing and I/we had a very hard time believing them. If I allow myself to go back in time and try to remember what it was like to just have those memories surface, and the unrealness about any of it, and difficulty believing it, etc., etc., then really what is happening now isn’t all that different. Those memories that we had flashbacks of years and years ago (that we now just give little attention to as though it wasn’t that big of a deal– fucked up, yes, but not distressing to the degree it used to be and to the degree that other flashbacks or memories other kids inside have about other stuff is for them). Anyways, those memories sparked huge PTSD stuff in me/us and it just about broke me in trying to come to grips with it and believe it and realize what my father did to “me.” And now I give such little credence to it. I forget that those flashbacks weren’t readily accepted as truth either, just as we’re dealing with this now with this new flashback. Everytime I write “we’re dealing with this” and use the plural form, someone inside pipes up and gets annoyed and ??whatever the word is that I’m looking for?? and basically lets me know that it is me and plural doesn’t completely apply here. That the usage of plural signifies the majority of us and that isn’t the case as they know it and knew it and didn’t have the issues that I had. And frankly then I want to get snippy back and say that it wasn’t really “me” back then as it was Jillie and Julie-In-Pink, but I don’t know where Jillie is now and Julie-In-Pink (J.I.P.) is merged with me (although I think she split again, but I think she is merged back with me… not sure totally). Anyway, so technically if J.I.P. is merged with me, I suppose that still makes it ‘me’ in a sense and applies more directly to me, even if it doesn’t feel like it was me back then first experiencing all of this. At the same time, on some level, I know it was me, whilst on another level, I don’t feel as though I was part of that time. That I wasn’t the main fronter at that time. For that matter, I’m not sure if I was even around at that time. I think I may have been created later, but not wholly positive. I feel stupid for not knowing for sure my origins, but I’m just not sure that I’ve been around all along. Sure– I take on the “Julie” identity and that is my name, but that could easily have been incorporated into my being and creation as an adult. I guess really I don’t identify that much with having been around as a child and I don’t identify with it as my childhood or having a childhood. Yes, intellectually I do and intellectually on an emotional level when it seems like I’m supposed to, but not really, and even that (intellectually on an emotional level) it really just isn’t there at all. Okay, I side-tracked here. I have to go look and see where my original thought was that I was trying to write about and tell. Uggh, so hard to tell and describe the flashback stuff.
*** There’s been very little of any flashbacks of actual sexual abuse acts involving my father. Years ago, I had 2 separate flashes of what I believe were moments just before an actual sex act happened and I’ve always struggled with believing what I just “knew” happened afterwards in a very broad manner. I guess I’ve always pushed back hard against the visual stuff that ever crept forward in connection with those 2 particular flashes. Aside from definite sexually inappropriate behavior (but no touching) involved, and aside from the seriously inappropriate and disgusting kiss he did to me in broad daylight in broad view of any neighbors when I was between 11-13 years old, there just hasn’t been any flashbacks involving actual sexual acts. There was one very general flashback that a poem was written about from it, but I’ve really never considered it a memory as it is just so very far away from me, unreal, and just different than the other flashes. So this particular flash is significant in that it involves sexual abuse in the form of a sex act by him. And it is specific in a way. It isn’t as far away as the poem memory is, but it isn’t as clear as the other flashbacks of sexually inappropriate behavior are.
There’s been a fair amount of other things that have led me to believe he sexually abused me. Just saying that makes me want to put quotes around the “me” part because it wasn’t me, because I just wasn’t around during the time he was abusing us, me, whatever. Fuck. Insiders have had their own distress and referred to things, said things, etc., but at the same time, not a lot has been actually said in any detail about the father. There’s been a lot of focus from the time that we lived in California and the neighbor boy/s and cult (if applicable to us). I know my father abused me during that time too, but there’s been virtually no memory identified (that I’m aware of) with that state with him. It’s been the states before and after that one. I sure as hell know that he didn’t just stop mid stream.
So I guess we will try part three in trying to actually say it aloud in words. I don’t know, maybe we won’t be able to do it.
Julies and others around
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