Archive for the ‘Julies’ Category

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A New Day, Again

October 25, 2009 at 5:55 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies. Tags: , , , , , . 0 Comments

So we’re trying once again to write in our journal on a very regular, daily or near daily basis.  We have been writing a reasonable amount in our handwritten journal, but alas, we have yet to scan those entries and post them here.

So as our dearly loved friend, Naomi, says in her song, A New Day, which can be listened and/or purchased here along with her other songs, we are once again at the start of A New Day, A New Way, and A New Chapter in our life. We’ve been gearing ourselves up for more changes, particularly as it relates to journal writing, working on our website, and of course the usual challenges and strivings towards changes and healing with everything in our life.

We realized recently that our one year Engagement Anniversary was coming up and we decided that was when we’d begin anew with our journal writing. Of course the funny thing is that eventually we’ll scan old handwritten journal entries and back date them here so it will be slightly irrelevant, but we like to believe that it is fitting to have these changes happen on such a special day for us. :-)

So today we will be celebrating our one year Engagement with Sean and his system. :-) It’s our turn to surprise him/them with extra love, attention, and celebration. We’re both very broke financially, but we’ve managed to come up with some ideas on how to spend time together without cost, other than a small splurge to the very early matinee of Where The Wild Things Are for the kids. We’re making breakfast for him and so we shouldn’t feel the need to buy junk food and things at the movie theater. We’re making all the meals today for Sean, planning a nice candle lit dinner, a very early matinee kids movie, playing some cards together, playing with Zoi (our amazing dog), talking, cuddling, maybe watching a movie at home later tonight (not sure what exactly, but will figure something out for us teens and adults) and then more grown up time. ;-) So anyway, we’re looking forward to today with him/them.

On October 25, 2007, Sean and his system came to a multiples support group that we attend, and our paths in life crossed. On March 25, 2008 (totally not on purpose date and number wise, it just happened that way), we went on our first date together. On October 25, 2008, Sean proposed to me on a bridge overlooking a huge waterfall and there were many other wonderful details he thought of and surprised us with. :-) And today, October 25, 2009, we have been happily engaged for a year and we are looking forward to our future together with him/them. We have a really good relationship with them and it’s interesting and amazing to discover how having a significant other, partner, who loves all of you, accepts all of you, and is safe for everyone inside to be around, how it can really make a big impact and difference in a person’s life. In this case, my life, our life, our lives. It doesn’t fix all the bad stuff, the hard things, the things that are wrong with us, the things we’re working on, etc., but it does help and it does make a difference, one that we couldn’t have ever really understood until Sean and all came into our lives. We are very thankful and aware of the blessing we’ve received with Sean and all loving us and being in our life/lives.

Changing topics here…

We haven’t been sleeping at night the last few nights and only getting some naps in the daytime or early evening. So now I’m exhausted and thinking of trying to take a very brief nap before our big day begins. We’ll be back to write more about how we’re doing and what’s been going on with us regarding therapy and healing and other life things.

Julies

Tons To Do

September 11, 2009 at 1:04 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies and Others. 1 Comment

We’ve been swamped with a lot of external changes, demands, internal struggles, internal processing of things, and it feels like the list goes on.

We missed group tonight and we really, really wanted to go.  We needed to attend group but this surge of overwhelming exhaustion hit us while we went downstairs to do one final coat of painting before group, but we could only get a small portion of it done before we suddenly became extremely exhausted.  It is frustrating when this happens… when we think we’re in a space to do something and make strides or progress on something, then we start it and within minutes we are ‘shut down’ in a sense with utter exhaustion, sleepiness, and this inability to fight against it.  It is the most frustrating when it happens suddenly and when I think I’m rested enough or have worked ourselves into a space to do something.  I feel so out of control and helpless about it.  I know it has to be something internal and we have some ideas about where it comes from, but we just don’t know enough about it yet.  And sadly, I feel pretty strongly we’ve been battling and trying to work through this damn particular problem for years and years now.  I guess we get closer and closer to it and a little bit of chipping away at it over the years, but damn, I just want it over with and to stop!

So we had to stop our painting and we went and laid down in hopes that it would help some so we could get up and head to group, but alas, we crashed very hard and Sean had to wake us so we could call someone in group to let them know we wouldn’t make it.  Uggh, it sucks.  We’re just so damn exhausted and pushing hard at trying to finish painting the bedroom Sean and I are moving back downstairs into again and then we’ve got a crap load of boxes to move over along with some furniture and other misc belongings that we haven’t moved over here yet.  Then comes the big job of cleaning (deep, OCD stuff for us) and organizing, and trying to get some order into our stuff and Sean’s stuff.  Uggh, and that’s just the beginning of numerous things we’ve got to somehow get done asap in our life to have some order and maybe some manageability to it.

We’re supposed to be moved out in a week and our plan is to be done by next Wednesday so we can turn in the keys Thursday morning and do the inspection with our apt mgr.  We want our deposit back and so we’ll be going overboard in our cleaning.  It’s not that dirty right now, but it wasn’t all that spiffy (in our opinion) when we moved in.  We are very detail-oriented and their type of cleaning is not our idea of deep cleaning.  We could list a number of things that we found wrong and gross, but that’s beside the point.  We’re going to do our best to have time to do the cleaning we think is necessary to make sure there is no question we can get our deposit back.  It will very likely be much cleaner than when we moved in.  Anyway, we have a ton of physical moving to do amongst a ton of little things to do to finish preparing our bedroom here at Sean’s house and then we have more physical moving of furniture and things to go downstairs into it, aside from all the cleaning to do before and during all of that.

So that’s our whine or update or whatever you want to call it.  We’re stressed and trying hard to hang in there.  At the moment I guess we’re doing ok, meaning when we crashed, we crashed hard tonight, but then woke up with some clear headedness and not so much energy but an ‘okayness’ so we could finish the final coat of painting, minus the closet final coat because we ran out of paint.  All that is left is touch up along the edges and trim and the closet and bedroom door.  Well, we still have to deep clean the window and wash the window trim, prep it with the nail indenting and putty, priming and painting.  We figure we’ll get to that later, but we do want to get to it soon as we want the room finished, but at least it is something that can wait if we don’t get to it before the furniture and things go in there.  So Sean and I have a lot left to do together but it is slowly getting done.  We had hoped to have all the painting done and nearly everything moved out of my apt by now, but oh well, it will get done in time somehow.

We’re just tired and stressed.  We didn’t get anywhere close to our goal of dealing with our ridiculous number of boxes and storage containers of crap that we need to go through and discard or file, find a place for, etc.  We made some progress in regards to our old handwritten journal entries and have things even more organized than before and ready to continue the organizing process of all of our therapy journal stuff and other therapy oriented writings and whatnot.  So that is a plus as we intend to scan them eventually and probably post them here to be read, although some we may make private or password protect.  Not sure entirely yet what will occur.

Anyway, our next week is going to be super busy and we’re trying very hard to hang in there, hold on, and to keep trudging along until the worst of things is over with, and I suspect and halfway expect (based on past experience and what I know about us) that we’ll crash hard when the move is complete.  Our therapist is leaving on vacation on Saturday for a week and so we had our last session this past Tuesday until the 22nd. We’re definitely getting attached to her and I hope it is a healthy attachment this time and not something unhealthy, but who knows.

We’re just exhausted and stressed and trying really hard to not totally crash just yet and the 2 days in a row that we crashed this last week, I’m hoping we can keep that minimal this next week when things get even more stressful with all the additional moving and cleaning and things that are just stressful and take a lot of energy out of us when our body physically can’t do it as much, let alone emotionally manage so much stuff all at once.

The other big news in my life is that I’m anxiously awaiting the arrival of my niece.  My brother and his wife are expecting her to be born anyday now.  I can’t wait!

Until later… and goodness, we really plan and expect to be writing on a much more regular basis after this next week is over with!

Julies (and others around)

sadness, hurting, and also body stuff

June 21, 2009 at 5:23 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies, julies (lc), others (lc) and Unknown. Tags: , , , , , , , . 0 Comments

we are having a really hard time.  there’s just no energy and no ability to get anything done and yet we are surrounded with so many things we need to do.  there’s even some pressure (mostly pressure we put on ourselves but not necessarily so far off of reality that the pressure is there in other forms outside us) to get some things done around the house and stuff.  it’s just so damn hard  lately.

i think it’s cuz we’ve been working so very hard in therapy and it is taking its toll on us.  i guess we’re supposed to expect or at least be able to cope with the after effects of therapy but it is so so hard and painful and so exhausting.  we are wondering if we need to pull back some and slow down some of the stuff but we think others inside are just focused on pushing harder and pushing forward on things and that we can cope with it.  well some of us think not!  the sadness entrenches us.  how do we get rid of it? i mean besides making it go away but really it doesn’t go away just somewhere buried inside.

we think too all this therapy and crap is just too much for the other Julies as they just get so worn out easily by lots of stuff and especially since they are kind of working through some of this with us, well ya know, vicariously working through the stuff they know about and are aware of.  it doesn’t take too much emotions and therapy stuff to totally wipe out the Julies if they can’t stay far enough away from it.

we are wondering if we need to do a forced dissociation in order to get stuff done but not sure how long it would really last.  but like in therapy when things are too much or have hit a strong triggering point where the ones pushing to do the talking and telling and emotions and stuff have pushed as far as they can against the ones trying to keep everything silent and nothing happened its not true and all that stuff, well, a weird kind of jolt and snap and jerk of the head and boom we are totally fine and nothing happened, it’s not true, no feelings, nothing, just utter and totally fine and okay and perfectly normal with no problems and no issues.  so like maybe we need to try and use that as sort of a forced thing when we’re like this.  not sure if we can but maybe we could try and see.   and we have no idea if we can control it like that but guess it is worth trying.  but doing any of that by itself takes energy too.  and we have so little of it.  so little physical and so very little emotionally at this point too.

it really sucks being anemic too and we need to schedule an appt with our regular dr. because looking online it talks about how it is important to find out the cause of it.  maybe then we can actually get our vit b12 and folic acid and vit d and whatever else needs to be checked as possible causes of anemia.  we’ve been wanting our vit b12 and vit d checked for so long but always afraid to just ask outright and afraid if the dr. says no b/c for whatever reason it isn’t “medically necessary” or they don’t want to b/c we didn’t convince them enough that it is merited then we are screwed in the future and will have to prove so much harder that it is medically necessary to have evaluated.  we are pretty sure they are totally low and we need vit b12 shots and special vit d pills.  we just suspect it is also contributing to our problems.  our sleep dr. tested and found the anemia and we’re taking supplements but we’re still exhausted and we know it’s going to take time and we’re also looking at upping the double dosage he is already prescribing to us.  we are thinking of taking a different brand and type of iron supplement in addition to the kind and mg he prescribed.

and for all this time, for many years, we’ve thought that our fatigue was associated with our depression and just being a fuck up and stuff.  now we’re wondering if we’ve been anemic for years now.  our regular dr. checked our iron when we went in to see her awhile back but she didn’t do the extensive testing.  the sleep dr did and he found it that way.  she just diagnosed us with chronic fatigue syndrome and maybe we have that but maybe we don’t.  i don’t know.  we just hate being tired all the time.  and this has been our life for years now.  having no energy to do crap and any small thing (taking shower, emptying dishwasher) wears us out and puts us back to bed to lay down which often leads to several hours of sleep.

so whine, whine, whine.  we’re having a hard time.  we hurt emotionally and sometimes physically but i think we still dissociate a lot of our body pain.  we get weird ass pains in various places in our body but we just cope with it and deal with it.  we’re emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted and the depression is just doing its damndest to suck us up and really, we think with the therapy stuff we’re doing lately, we think we’re experiencing a lot of grief even though we’re not sure what exactly it is we’re experiencing other than deep sadness and just our system is struggling.

we can’t put into words yet quite what is going on.  sorry this is so stupid.  just we hate things right now.  it’s so crazy how we can plummet so far and so fast and we forget sometimes how very easy and very close we always are to this place.  we’ve been struggling but getting through and we’re used to that… things being hard with varying moments of coping ok and varying crappy times, but now things are not just hard and barely getting through, they just fucking suck and we feel like we’re falling with nothing to hold onto to stop.

stupid us.

julies, and others we think