we so badly need to write about so many things. we need to process things and yet nothing comes and the emotional or physical energy is zapped and something or someone seems to be silencing things.  i suppose Blocker and Eraser and the other Function Keys are busy doing their jobs.  and whomever else inside is involved in all of this.

we’ve had some very intense and symbolic dreams that are very revealing about the extent of our processing of various stuff and so many of us believe a lot of deeper processing is going on as we work through some tough healing issues.

there’s pain and sadness and such a deep lack of energy from all of it.  sure, some of it is physical related to our anemia but it feels like some is also just the emotional zapping of our life energy that has already been trampled on for so many years and so it really isn’t up to par.

whatever. we are getting chastized for writing what we’ve written.  so much criticism from so many inside to a greater degree than usual, or so it seems.  i wonder if self-hatred and badness has a need to increase when you are processing stuff that might eventually help release some of that.  sort of like don’t you dare get rid of any part of me like that and to make sure you don’t, i’m going to reinforce my stance, grow bigger and stronger, and cage you even further than you were before. roarrrrrr.

we don’t even feel like finishing with tagging things or categorizing things.  i mean it is common to be overwhelmed to do it and thus the exhaustion comes with it and just unable to cope with it and so we pass it up ‘for later.’  we still have sooo many entries left to tag and categorize properly amongst all the other entries with backups that we need to import and also tag and categorize, etc.  we always manage to forget that when we are torn between wanting to come here to our journal and do something, write something, etc., that even when we find we can’t do it after all, that there is always the need to review entries and do the organizing of them.  even the ones we’ve tagged and categorized already, they also need reviewing because sometimes (like this one), we’ve been only able to tag a few things and haven’t thoroughly thought and decided on whether to add any more, etc.

uggh, the self-hate and mean commentary is getting stronger.  we’re just going to shut up.  it seems easier right now cuz i just don’t have the energy to try and fight back.  it hurts too much no matter what.  and yes, according to the commentary, we are babies because of that and need to grow up and shut the fuck up and get over it and be okay and fine and on and on it goes.

us, julies

More and more we find ourselves thinking about things and getting closer to some system wide understanding or agreements (mostly anyway), and we find ourselves facing the unstoppable and encroaching Function Keys. And we scatter and return to our posts, to our familiar ways of coping and living, gaining whatever momentum and energy to try another round of getting past The Function Keys.

I’m also understanding more and more why last year (perhaps further back than that, but definitely last year…months ago), that there was system comments and strong definitive stances made by many inside stating that we could not undergo the process necessary to deprogram, dismantle, make lasting system changes, etc. without being in a safe hospital that understood multiplicity and allowed for us to do the necessary work with support and somewhere the system would stay safe as we unraveled everything and changed things. It wasn’t stated exactly like this, but the gist was understood, and the need for the hospital in order to keep the system safe from self-destruction and SI, and to make the process even worth attempting without major damage (hopefully), to go to a specialized dissociative disorder unit somewhere so we could deal with it.

I don’t know what we’re going to do. It’s like a large number of system functioning, daily functioning, etc. reside under the control of The Function Keys and whenever we even begin to think about, or make any step, no matter how tiny, it sets things in motion and the repercussions follow. Every time we go to tackle an issue, ultimately it circles back to the bottom line of their (Function Keys) interference. I could be wrong about all of this, but this is what it seems like to me. I hope I’m not just pointing a finger elsewhere and blaming them. There have been numerous occasions over the years where we’ve encountered system interference and things blocking our success, healing, or changes, etc. And so very often it has been something indescribable happening inside, a powerful force controlling things, and something very unnamed and barely seen. Occasionally, we knew who it was, if it was Blocker or Eraser, and at times we sensed it was someone or something like them, but no words or name to identify it with. Sometimes we had inklings of whom/what it was, but we are truly really just beginning to become aware of it in ways that we’ve never been aware of it before. We’re just now really beginning to discuss it any length, inside and outside, and to consider making any significant attempt to deal with them.

And all of this feels so extremely dangerous to us. The ironic thing is not only does this feel literally life and death to us, but also symbolically… if we want to have a life, we have to put their power and control and programmed ways to death.

Life – if we want to stay alive, we are not to change anything and they remain in control, etc.

Life – if we want a “life” of healing and having a “life” other than what we have now, we have to deal with them in different ways and overcome them

Death – we will physically die if we change things, remove their power, etc., and heal

Death – if things continue as they are now, we are destined to a dead life… walking dead on this earth….. dead, but breathing….

I don’t think I’m capturing what I’m sensing and understanding.

It just brings up so much inside and creates a headache and spin of so much. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this, we’re scared, and …..

can’t talk no more.

Julies and ?

We’ve come here a number of times to write, but each time, an overwhelming exhaustion, fatigue, and sleepiness will prevail and push us towards departing from having taken a step towards writing and often fairly quickly afterwards, we’ll end up having to leave the computer to go lay down.  As such, the writing doesn’t happen, and a siege of sadness and sleepiness will have conquered us for an unknown amount of time, during which time we attempt to recover and try our attempts again at writing and telling and expressing ourselves.  This has been going on extensively lately, but it is also a constant thing we deal with to some kind of varying degree.

So it occurred to a few of us as we were thinking and discussing it, that Sleeper may be involved in our difficulties with writing lately, since the sleepiness and exhaustion has been full force lately.  It also seems to accompany an emotional exhaustion as well.  I really prefer not to blame Sleeper 100%, particularly since I’m not entirely sure of all the dynamics.  I just recognize these familiar dynamics as they take place in our attempts to write and in other areas of life.  Accompanying this sudden onslaught of awareness, we had this surge of “we will overcome this” and so we’re here writing for as long as we can muster our strength and “telling” about Sleeper.

Sleeper is one of the ones we refer to as The Functions or The Keys or The Function Keys.  I guess we haven’t fully determined an agreed upon reference name.  But we know what group Sleeper belongs to, and it is a group that is very high on the hierarchy in our system.  We barely know about this group, but we’re becoming more and more aware of them lately as pieces of information have been falling down somehow or coming from somewhere.  They are a group that has no known color association, which is very odd and highly alarming in a lot of ways to us.  We think there is a possibility that they do have color associations, but we are just not privy to such classified information since we’re such “pee-ons” inside.  It could also be that they have a clear or colorless or some other special color association that we just aren’t able to see or sense or something.  It’s just something that is blocked from our knowledge and awareness.  At least for now.

So we’re taking the risk of writing all of this and putting it out there, not knowing the repercussions of it.  At the same time, I feel like in some kind of way we’re being allowed for whatever reason to write this information.  Odd in so many ways, but perhaps it is a silent stepping away of control and steps forward for them to allow it.  It is hard to believe that we may have conquered them for this short time to be able to write about any of them like this.  So it is much easier to believe that for whatever reason, they are allowing it for this moment in time.  Although someone just said it may just feed their ego strength and power that they have inside.   I don’t know.  I’d like to think that something is shifting and changing, even if ever so slight.  After all, some information about them came through in our handwritten journal a few months ago or less.  I can’t recall, but if I looked, I’d know the date where suddenly names and some basic information was revealed.  For the longest time, we’ve basically only known about Blocker and Eraser.  A few others sort of on the list, but not really.  Destroyer and DestroyHer/Destroyher are also on this list.

So of course now I’m getting a tad sleepy.  Not nearly to the same intensity and degree as usual, but it is there.  I guess we’ll take a break and try to return later with writing about some other things.

Julie/s