I’ve been learning about myself and especially Julie or The Julies really learning more about me and crap.  It’s totally interesting as they are like things I knew about myself and whatever but never really had it cement itself or connect on some level like it is now.  And like Julie is really getting to know me way more right now and understanding my triggers and my issues that will get me to react or respond or whatever ya wanna call it. So even though some shit has really hit the fan and even though things have been really crappy and I don’t know what the hell is gonna happen or be decided as far as our system goes about some shit, there is at least some learning taking place.  So that’s all good.

We got our computer and stuff moved over late last night from our apt to Sean’s house.  It’s been unloaded from his car.  So we’ll be setting that up soon.  I think that’s gonna make a big difference in writing.  I sure as hell hope so cuz crap keeps swirling around inside and we are constantly thinking about writing this or that and stuff and it doesn’t happen.  I think we’re getting closer to that changing.  Which is so fucking necessary cuz there is just so much crap we’ve been thinking about and processing.  So much unsaid and so many issues and things we need to explore and put to rest.  So like life is happening.

I decided Saturday that I think Kathy is definitely going to work as our therapist.  It’s good I got a chance to meet her face to face instead of watching and checking her out otherwise that way.  I was surprised at how relaxed I felt and how quiet people inside were about this or that when I was just chilled and my regular self and not my annoyed or pissy or irritated or whatever self.  It was pretty weird.  I was way more comfortable being out with Kathy than I was the first time with Cec.  Well I got passionate or whatever about some shit I was talking about and so my pissy and bitchy self was there.  I mean it’s all me.  Just unlike what Julie thought for years a long time ago, I ain’t always fucking pissed off and I’m not always worked up about something and not always blah blah blah about something where people are all, “chill out.”  Usually for people who don’t know it’s me, they are all like, “CALM DOWN, Julie.”  Eh, whatever.  There’s a damn good reason I’m annoyed or irritated or pissed off about something.  Ha of course that damn good reason is from my perspective.  It’s all about perspectives.

It’s totally weird right now cuz in this latest deal, I’ve been realizing how much I’m “growing up” and changing and shit.  I mean I can see that I’ve come a long way from who I was years ago.  So that’s kinda interesting.  I want to stay myself and who I am or whatever and not have my style cramped by the Julies or Julie cuz I like being me but I guess I’m more open to being sort of different if it makes sense to me or is healthier or whatever.  I mean I’ve got all this psych crap stored in here and I can look at shit and myself or open to hearing what people got to say about me if they fucking explain shit to me cuz it is still hard to see myself as others might see me and there’s like basic stuff that I worry I don’t get or understand cuz it’s never been my thing to know or care about it as much since I’ve been all about protection and Julie’s all about people’s feelings and pc shit and way more dynamics than I ever worry about.  I stick with the basics and bottom line shit and Julie adds in all this other crap.  Okay well fine, it ain’t all Julie that does that.  There’s others inside here that do that.

Well I’ve written a book and a half.  So that’s it for now.  Just wanted to get a journal entry up and to say something.

Billie

New Day by Nektare

I was browsing the other day/evening at my old high school friend’s myspace site and came across another link with her music in it. I came across this song and it just hit home with me, especially with it being the start of another year. It is uplifting, inspiring, and motivating to me and I wanted to share it here with all of you.

http://www.reverbnation.com/nektare

Hey yah and for those of ya who like way awesome photos of sexy women, then totally go check out that link cuz it is freaking ass awesome and for a close-up, just click on it and enjoy! Cuz I totally dig it! Billie! The music is totally awesome too and Naomi ROCKS! Personally and Professionally! Oh yah, I love her! I miss ya Nummie!

www.nektare.com

So Happy New Year!!! We are striving for a new chapter this year and each day being a new day of healing and change and creating the life we want to live. Easy to say… hard to do… so we’ll see how it goes. I’m sure we’ll have to remind ourselves of this constantly, but this is the start…

A Start…. whooo hooooo

Julies and Billie

Our brother’s wedding is October 18th and the father will be there.  His live-in girlfriend of 15+ ?? or something like that years will not be there.  Her reasoning as told to my mother of all people– She’s afraid that she won’t be able to control herself around me and not lash out at me with her anger, etc., and she doesn’t want that tension as she knows it will make my father tense and spread out to others.  The reason for her anger is that she is disgusted with me for ‘falsely accusing my father of sexual abuse and how dare I do such a thing.’ She has made it clear over the years since I confronted my father at my therapist’s (Wendy), office in October or November of 2000.  And yet this last time when my mother spoke to my father over the phone concerning my brother’s wedding, Betty (father’s girlfriend), wished to speak to my mother.  This is an odd thing because Betty has been very strange in the past with my mother– i.e. refusing to go to my cousin’s wedding years ago simply because my mother was going to be there, even though my mother and father had been divorced for years and were on good civil terms, etc.  The lady is weird.  Anyway, according to my mother, Betty now understands more of the shit my mother went through when she was married to my father… including my father’s sick needs in the bedroom to call his first wife’s name aloud while having sex with Betty and according to my mother, this was a common occurrence for her as well.  My father is fucked up.  My mother likes to excuse all of my father’s problems with “he’s sick,” meaning he has bi-polar and the emotional development of a teenager and thus, this is an excuse for all of his behavior.  Bullshit.

On one hand my mother is hurt and angry and talks and acts like she was a victim of my father all those years she was with him.  I can see that, based on what she said.  I have no real memory of that though.  On the other hand, my mother is the first to defend him in many ways and get defensive at the mere hint or mention of the sexual abuse by my father.  So sometimes she talks as if my father is an asshole and jerk, but of course, you know, he is just “sick,” and she implies he can’t help himself because he’s so “sick.” And yet the wall of anger and defensiveness rises and her denial and disbelief kick in when it comes to her daughter’s sexual abuse by this man she married.  And yet she knows what the asshole is capable of.  She told me she was sure he tried to kill her a number of times in various covert ways over the years she was married to him and looking back she sounds as if she is convinced of that even more so.  I don’t recall him physically abusing her, but I know and believe he emotionally and verbally assaulted her and I suspect there were probably things that happened in their bedroom that she has never really divulged to me.  She’s told me a few things, but I suspect there was probably more there.  He did however threaten her in a number of ways over the years.  I don’t know… it’s just like if she knows this much about him, how can it be so hard for her to stretch her mind to the realization that the piece of shit father also sexually abused his daughter for years.

Sigh.  Whatever.  Why the hell do I even care?  A part of me really doesn’t and yet some part of me does care and also hates that I fucking care whether she believes or not and whether she supports me or not when it comes to my healing about it.  We know not to fucking trust her– been there, done that, been fucked over one too many fucking times.

Hell, I had no idea I was going to write about this.  I didn’t know this was on our mind really.  It doesn’t seem like that really and yet it has come pouring out here.  Mostly I’m aware that insiders are pretty focused on the fact the father will be here in about a month.  That we will be seeing him, but plan to keep it limited.  We are honestly hoping to be able to step back a bit and look at him with more observing eyes and a disconnected mind and just observe and analyze and see him from a different perspective.  I feel like we’ve grown and changed so much since we last saw him and I think we’ll see things about him that we haven’t been able to see before.  The problem is that we forget a lot of it.

My biggest problem is that I never know how to really describe my father or explain how he is or what he is like.  I know he isn’t like the raging alcoholic that one might see on t.v. and that he isn’t this “in your face overbearing father,” and yet there is this threatening and icky nature about him in his passive, though probably passive-aggressive, emotionally manipulating, way about him.  And then I question even that much.  So I’m hoping to be able to view him from a more observing distance and I’m looking forward to Sean’s observations as to what he/they think and see about my father.
[Big relieving sigh and breath]  So basically I think we’re anxious and on edge about the father showing up and yet some of us are hoping to be able to use this opportunity as a way to understand the father more and to see more of who he is and maybe get it deeper ingrained within to those who have a hard time believing the abuse… that maybe they’ll be able to believe it more by watching and seeing how he is, etc.  I’m not sure though.  I’m a little concerned though about any possible fallout from the father’s visit.  I feel like something is going on within about it and that it has our system stirred up, understandably, but I am also so far removed from it and insiders aren’t really communicating to me about what’s going on.

To make it weirder is that we’ve gotten stronger lately and have been having this really weird phone relationship with the father from time to time and things are just different because we play “the family game” less and less these days, especially now that we’re feeling safety and security with Sean and the idea of us having our own family with Sean is happening.

That’s all for now.

Julies with B.J. and Billie around

So like I thought I’d come here and bitch about the kitchen cabinets. Yeah that’s right- that’s what got us to fucking finally write. Actually no that totally ain’t it– we’ve been so totally needing to write a shit load of crap err okay stuff really. I like to say crap to crap that really means stuff cuz stuff is sooo Julie. When I totally mean crap I say shit unless of course I got to tone it down and be all chilled cuz it ain’t a place where I can say what I totally really mean.

So we’re taking a freaking break. And finally catching up here. Well a little anyway. So now I know everyone is dying to know what the hell we’ve been up to. Haha. Well at least I can say ya’ll would rather hear it all from me! Ha!

So our system has a boyfriend, Sean et al. I’m not into guys but he’s cool enough, well actually their system is cool enough. I still like my chics and still get to look and flirt and have fun if I ever get lucky! But okay so L.J. has a kid boyfriend in Sean’s system– L.S. It’s totally cute and they are totally appropriate for a kid crush deal. The adults are hooked up with Sean and the adults in their system. And our systems are all together or whatever. How the frick do you say all that? I mean like L.J. is so not big Sean’s girlfriend but L.J. is L.S.’s girlfriend. Sean is so not my boyfriend but what the hell I’m going along for the ride and am cool with it all as I like their system and well I got to cooperate and all that jazz and not be a bitch cuz I know I ain’t totally gonna get what I want cuz I didn’t get to luck out with my own fucking body in this world, dammit! But Sean et al are cool cuz I still get to have my fun with chics. So like it’s this weird ass thing where I’m cool with the whole “couples” thing and not gonna shit on that or anything but like Sean is just a friend or whatever and not my boyfriend but he is so Julie’s boyfriend. And like our system is committed to being “together” with their system. Weird to totally explain. A multiple relationship with a singleton is freaking crazy but add in two multiples and damn, all kinds of dynamics go on!

So that’s the biggest sudden and unexpected change in our world and it has kept things in a serial whirlwind for awhile now. We’re working on getting a handle on it all and balancing and all that jazz but between that and just regular life craziness and whew, it’s been exciting and exhausting and totally beyond words can say. I will say that the whole thing with Sean et al is “It’s alllll good.” Ha!

So I’ll let Julie and the Julies tell all about the story and how it all happened and whatever and anything else.

So now for my bitching about the kitchen cabinets. So they were like feeling gross to us even though they were like really “okay,” but we definitely had to clean the inside of the cabinets totally for sure before really comfortably putting stuff in them. So we go to do that and what the hell, we’ll wipe down the outside of them too. Well so we use a mixture of murphy’s oil soap and water. Well damn, what do ya know, the stain they put over the cabinets came right off and we totally weren’t using a serious scrubber or anything– hardly at all. So once it started coming off and looking like shit, well then we’ve had to scrub like hell to get the shit off. Cuz ya see it is so totally obvious to us that what they did to “prepare” our apt before we moved in was they slapped some stain over the existing cabinets and of course in order for stain to totally adhere you’re all supposed to strip and sand and all that jazz. So well now we’ve got lighter cabinets that feel cleaner but well, only one segment of them are done as we have a ton more to do and it fucking sucks cuz now it is so totally obvious of a difference– light cabinets versus darker cabinets. Damn even if we could get the OCD ones to chill out on the whole “started something must finish exactly the same way for all the other cabinets,” we can’t really look past the whole difference in color and tone and so have to clean the other cabinets. Damn it and we have a shit load of crap to do in this apt and it is a mess and damn I hope we can stay focused on it and get this shit done. Damn damn damn! It’s a damn shame we can’t be like other people and just do a general wipe down on the inside of the cabinets and light wipe down on the outside and be done with it. Oh no we got to mass deep clean so we can feel safe and comfortable or whatever the fuck it is that we need to do for some reason. I ain’t saying cleaning is bad it’s just like damn it fucking sucks when doing anything at all wipes us the fuck out and we’re still trying to maneuver around the apt with whatever pathway we can find. Crap.

Okay. Gotta go and get busy again. There’s of course a shit load more of crap to talk about and update and all that, but hey, this is a start.

Billie

Fuck Therapy! Fuck Therapists! Fuck IT ALL!!!

Yah that freaking makes me feel better.

And no I ain’t explaining right now cuz I don’t fucking want people thinking and not saying or thinking and saying what freaking whiny ass people we are who want and need and expect too damn much from therapists and therapy.  So when enough of us can deal with whatever people are gonna think or say then we’ll explain more.  

I will say that I’m tired of this therapy crap.  I’m tired of more or less getting screwed in some way.  I’m tired of not having shit ass money to pay for therapy.  I’m tired of it being the reason we get pushed the hell out the door of therapy when paying a low monthly fee towards accumulating therapy bill was cool for a lotta years.  The latest–basically told stay away until you have money to give us or until you get the right insurance.  This is basically told to us at the non profit agency place that won’t give us sliding scale because we have insurance but the co-pay is way too fucking much and they won’t slide scale the co-pay.  They also won’t let us make a low monthly payment towards the growing co-pay debt that we’d pay off some fucking day in the future.  But if we had insurance and lost our freaking ass insurance and had no insurance then they’d give us the sliding scale.  And I don’t care what they say but I know damn well Medicare pays more than what we’d be charged for that sliding scale based on our income if we had no insurance.  I saw their damn sliding scale chart a few weeks back.  But if we had no insurance when we first came to them and asked for help, they’d say sorry, no room, no space for that, go fuck yourselves and have a nice day and good fucking luck with your mental health crap.

Yah yah yah I know that ain’t what they really say but they basically are saying that when they have to turn people away.

The best thing yet– we can get 30 minute sessions for a little bit more than what we asked to pay for our co-pay.  And if we pay for two 30 minute sessions, it is less than one 50 minute session co-pay.  It ain’t that big of a discount but it still is less.  Go fucking figure and no you can’t have two 30 minute therapy sessions on the same day with our insurance.

So I don’t know, maybe we’ll go pay for a 30 minute session and I’ll bitch at Cec simply because I feel like bitching.  Not like she has any control over any of it.  I’d just like to explain to her why the fuck I’m saying fuck therapy and fuck therapists. Just fuck it all.

There’s this deal in our head that we always hear when shit like this happens: 

“Oh, it’s Julie.  She’ll be fine.  She’s fine.  It’s no big deal.”  It doesn’t fucking matter that we aren’t doing well, that therapy helps us keep a grip on things in life, that we fucking hurt, and just crap like that.  It always seems and feels like to us that they just “dismiss us” with a wave of their hand and just assume and decide that we’ll deal with it and we’ll be fine and it won’t be a fucking big deal to us.  That they wouldn’t do that to some other client but they’d do it to us because “we’re fine and can deal with it.”  Well, FUCK NO WE CAN’T FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!!

And yah I know we’re asking and wanting and expecting too damn much.  It takes money.  You need too much and expect and hope for too damn much when you only pay shit. 

I’m fucking frankly tired of the shit ass crap I’ve got to deal with inside when shit like this rolls down hill.  I don’t know all the crap but I sure as hell know more than any of the Julies know about.  IT SUCKS! It is FUCKING HARD.  And ya know we’ve been sucking it up in a lot of ways, well like maybe not to other people, but I think so, with all the bullshit and jerking around of therapists in the agencies that we’ve gone through since we lost Wendy.  So then we find Cec and we’re dealing with this crap.  And there’s that list of crap that Cec can’t or won’t meet our needs on and well, again, we need and ask and expect and want too fucking much and especially when we pay shit.  

The Julies called like well over a dozen therapists that are closer to us and so less of a commute and whatever.  Of course like nearly all of them had full caseloads and only a few of them took our insurance.  So we have a crap load more people to call.  We’ve gone through the referred list.  Now onto the damn phone book and just start asking the basic questions and creating a new list of names and numbers.  

I frankly don’t fucking know that our system is ever really gonna trust another therapist again to any degree.  We’ve been with Cec for over a year now and hardly anyone has really come out and talked with her.  Yah so some of us have shown up, but like tons and tons of people who’ve shown up in therapy over the years with Wendy haven’t even come close to coming out.  They don’t come close to the surface, it’s like just way deep and buried.  They stay the fuck away or cause problems within but behind the Walls and other things and basically ya can’t find out a damn thing and info stays locked inside.

I ain’t ever felt like this like I do now.  I seriously am questioning what the fucking point of trying to do therapy is.  WHY?!? Why the fuck bother when we basically get pushed out the door for some fucking reason or another.  The first time was because we needed “a therapy break” of who knows how the fuck long– one day it was 2 weeks the next fucking time it was a month or several months and the next time “maybe we don’t ever return.”  It kept fucking changing every damn time we turned around and she sure as hell knew we didn’t agree with her decision (yes, the therapist’s decision) we needed a therapy break.  We fought with her and basically begged and pleaded for an extension to not have it happen in the spring on us.  She agreed and extended the “deadline.”  Well we spent at least 6 months almost constant every session trying to not be forced to have this therapy break of unknown fucking time and determined entirely by her as to when or if we return.  Then some shit happened and we left and our therapist was pissed because we left her before she forced a “therapy break” on us.  FUCK HER.  She did a number of other fucked up things.  That was our first major therapist that spent any time with our system and first time our system really opened up.  We saw another therapist for a short time who first diagnosed us (so before that first therapist I told ya about) and so yah, she saw a few from our system, but we left her for varied reasons.

Then there was Wendy and our system over the years opened up to her and like tons of us showed up in some kind of way to communicate to her.  She put up with a shit load of crap from us.  But due to financial and insurance reasons we got referred out by her.  Never mind what we had set up for years financially that was working and never mind that we had spent 8 1/2 years with her for therapy.  Never mind we were being sent out to an agency with who knows what kind of therapist and what kind of knowledge they had on dealing with multiplicity.  Okay, whatever.   Bottom line: our system opened up to Wendy big time over the years, and some inside had just begun  finally after years of trying to get them to share, they had finally begun to talk and tell.  Then: leave me, go away.  I don’t care what you say. It doesn’t matter enough.  Leave me, go away.

So 2 long-term therapists our system opens up to and 2 therapists that basically tell us to leave and go away.  Yah so first therapist we left before she totally ditched us and the second therapist we begged and pleaded and went out the door kicking and screaming emotionally.  So now there’s Cec and the agency and we’ve basically been told the same thing.  Our system has slightly opened up and has tried hard to trust and open up to Cec, even though no matter how hard we try, in some ways it just ain’t budging no where.  Oh yah, I know, we just have to pay $200 a month for 4 regular 50-minute sessions.  They didn’t really kick us out or force us to leave.  You just can’t return and have an appointment until you can pay.

I fucking frankly figure that if we do go in and pay for one session that it’s gonna be a session towards saying good-bye to Cec, if and when we find another local therapist that we can arrange something with our insurance and co-pay amount.

And the big fucking fun ass thing about this– Well, you see…. we’ve been without our secondary insurance before… but we always do the paperwork and letters (eventually) and push to get that secondary insurance coverage.  Not only that, we make sure to get it back-dated.  So ya see, all of this co-pay shit becomes totally moot once that happens.  The two other times we’ve been in this “space” of no secondary insurance, they let it slide or let me ride through it and still see Cec while I waited for it to get re-instated.  But not this time.

I’m here now and need to go.  I don’t feel like talking about it really; it is what it is and there isn’t really anything we can do about it.  It’s exhausting trying to deal with it and it brings up so much for us.

Billie, B.J., and Julie at the end

I can do this. It’s just like before, years ago. Just like when I began therapy due to flashbacks. Just like the first time at age 18 I tried to move out of the mother’s house and with a friend. I did move out, but only lasted a few months. The mother convinced me to return. It was a fine situation with friend, but I had moved in with her and her daughter and it was tight and cramped. The mother said she would pay and help me to go to college. She didn’t, because I wanted to go to a different community college than she wanted me to go to. The community college offered a better program for what I wanted to study. That’s why I wanted to go to the community college of my choice. No difference in cost; just I wouldn’t submit to going to a college that didn’t offer the same program of study. Yes, dumb me. So is life.

It’s also like before- when we began therapy with intent to stay, no matter the cost. It’s when J.I.P. (Julie In Pink) was created. She was there to withstand the family cost that happened as a result of speaking the truth and entering therapy. She took the backlash that followed us, although with the help of others inside. But she never lost her sight of healing and put it as her highest priority in life. Sometimes it seems that was to our detriment at times, but other times, we greatly appreciate and value what J.I.P. did for us as a system. She maintained the hope, the dreams, the vision of healing, and it took great courage for her to not back-down and submit to the mother or father or brother.  She stood her ground in the face of the mother despite living with her the majority of this body’s entire adult life.  She stood her ground in the face of the mother despite the fact this was ‘out of character’ for the body of the mother’s daughter to do– submission and passive was the cards routinely played for safety and survival.  Any attempts to do otherwise were quickly squashed and punished in a variety of ways.  Dissociation and silent protectors, like Billie, and others withstood the aftermath of doing anything that crossed the mother’s rules or disapproval and disgust.  Yes, silent.  Billie protected by taking the emotional and verbal abuse by the mother and bearing the brunt of it while remaining silent.  Billie knew that to do otherwise was actually more harmful to Julie and this system and not worth it.  Billie’s loyalty lied with helping Jillie and Julie and others in the system and not with the mother, or as Billie says, “Julie’s mother.”  If the slightest thing was said in defense of ourselves, if Billie or anyone else were to give the mother a “look” while silently taking the verbal lashing by the mother, this too would be added to the mother’s disapproval, disgust, and verbal beating into submission.  So J.I.P. standing her ground to remain in therapy and continue onward in spite of all of this is remarkable.  We also take credit for our system stance in this as well, for we had something to do with it as well.  Additionally, to be clear, Billie joined our system when the body was 17 and the mother went on her rampages during that year and thereafter- when the body was an adult.

While we believe this coming storm will not be as severe or lengthy as what J.I.P. and our system encountered those early years, we do expect it to be something similar and also difficult for our system to hold our ground in this.  Although we will be moving irregardless, it will be difficult for us to stand up and bravely defend and assert ourselves that this is okay for us to do and to not have internal reactions and negative tapes playing inside as a result of doing something against the rules and disapproval, etc.  Stupid yes, but the current reality.

J.I.P. has since integrated into Julie, although at times it has been said she has re-separated (or is that de-integrated?). It is unknown the status of things at this time. I think perhaps they have merged again; the first time was by choice and need, and any subsequent times have simply occurred naturally.

We joked to a friend what we realized we were up against and whether we might need to create someone for this upheaval. Seriously it was a joke as we feel stronger these days in battling the family boat that rocks unsteadily as the approaching storm reigns its weight and force upon us. We don’t see a true need at this time to create anyone. Someone inside says, “and besides, it’s against the rules in therapy.” But others inside honestly don’t care about that rule and stand strongly behind the defense of we will do whatever is needed for us to survive. Some others stand defiantly stronger with a “Fuck You” attitude if anyone doesn’t like it. Others simply dislike being told what they can’t do, especially something this personal.

So here we are, preparing to move, and readying ourselves for the expectation of a fierce storm. Perhaps it will blow over and be nothing as expected, but the signs all point to something else. We are merely moving 21.7 miles away from our current apartment.

It will be difficult when we explain the various differences that come with renting an apartment in the city versus suburbs, particularly a subsidized apartment. It is a smaller apartment, without carpet or hardwood floors- just linoleum, it doesn’t have a bathtub-only a shower, there isn’t a dishwasher, the stove/oven is smaller (though we don’t use one that much anyway), and things aren’t updated like we have in our current apartment. We have also realized that we will need to sell some of our furniture and find other smaller sized furniture. We have found a computer desk that should fit nicely and we are picking that up later today (Sunday) provided the weather isn’t exceptionally bad. We will be selling our computer desk, and expect to sell our entertainment center as well and get something different. We really have no room for our table and chairs but we are having trouble with letting it go. We like it a lot and it was a great bargain, and although its size converts to something small, we’re not sure just yet if even that will be small enough to find space in our apartment along with the rest of our stuff. We only had a very brief (and literally a walk in and walk out rush thing) review of the apartment. We will have a better idea in the very near future what we need to work with. Selling our furniture and getting something different is also something we expect to send the mother “over the edge” in disapproval. Strange yes, but true– we strongly expect there to be comments about it.

We’ve already heard tidbits about these things as though they were things that must automatically deter us from moving. So when this information is confirmed to the mother, she will set about her disapproval and other negative things with a potential for a silent but deadly anger in the air and tone and mannerism for we are breaking some golden rule of hers. The brother is somewhat more supportive, but he still questions our decision, although he resorts to supporting us, even if he doesn’t understand it. The mother will undoubtedly try to recruit him to convince us to change our mind, as of course, she just doesn’t know what to do and worries about us and we won’t listen to her, etc.

We have our reasons for moving and although there are some inside who are scared and fearful of this change, there is also excitement and a deeper knowing within that this is the right thing for us to do. It makes sense short term and long term, both financially and emotionally. Yes there are drawbacks, but there are also drawbacks to staying here.

So we are bracing ourselves for the potential fierce storm that is coming.

No Name (not even sure that is the name… just nothing, no identity, just blank) and later some of Julie mixed in towards the middle and end

I don’t know what was going on tonight in group.  Something was going on for sure inside.  L.J. ? or one of the kids who represents herself as L.J. but I think she is older than L.J. (and I’m beginning to notice the differences), mentioned something about it while we were taking our turn to share.  I definitely sensed a lot of chaos inside, a lot of hurt and pain, and I felt like I/we were doing everything we could to not have it explode externally, let alone with witnesses.  It sounds worse than maybe it was, but at the same time, I think it wasn’t as severe of a potential because we were doing everything we could to keep it in the distance, at bay, as far from the front as possible.  Sure there was leakage, but if it had gotten any closer, then it would have really been incredibly difficult to maintain a sense of appropriateness.  This was all happening before our sharing time.  Even though it wasn’t ultra close to the front and the potential wasn’t as strong as other times that we’ve encountered, it still felt intense and really difficult and just as bad as those times when the potential of it unleashing its madness externally was right at the surface about to blow.  Somehow it moved away and further back by the time we began sharing.  I think at least… not sure, but I know it was further away.

Later tonight after I said goodbye to someone, and realized that Billie wasn’t there to hug her or at least share in the hug, I suddenly wondered why that was.  I thought it was odd that Billie hadn’t really shown up much at all tonight to flirt and do whatever it is that Billie does.  I was especially surprised she wasn’t immediately there to ensure a hug (if possible) with this lady.  I nearly drove off without getting out of the car after we dropped her off at her place to give a goodbye hug.  It surprisingly hadn’t entered my mind and Billie wasn’t there at all either.  Billie and her (or at least someone in her) have been flirting for quite some time now.  Anyway, so I was thinking about all of this and wondered if it had anything to do with how bad we looked tonight.  I mean, I wondered if perhaps Billie wouldn’t even consider showing up when we didn’t appear halfway decent, have showered with fresh clothes, etc.  But I asked inside anyway and the answer I received was that she was busy dealing with stuff inside.  And then it hit me… of course! I knew this on some level before and certainly had heard before about Billie commenting on how she does a “shitload of crap inside” and just has a lot she’s responsible for.  I still don’t entirely know all that she does.  I just know some basics.  But it suddenly made sense with all the stuff that was going on tonight, that of course she would be preoccupied with helping out internally and in her own way, externally.

I’m not sure where all this was going.  I think I just wanted to say this much.  I realized we hadn’t written in awhile and there is so much to write about (as usual), and so I thought I would say this much; Perhaps this will get the ink flowing again.

It’s late and I’m tired and there’s stuff that is going on that I’d really like to not look at, but I suppose I ought to consider looking at it… as it only bites me ferociously later.

Julie with some Julies around