Someone/s inside started telling about a memory in a story format and 3rd person format and information was revealed that way when we laid down one night and started searching within and thinking about a particular memory we’ve had for a long time now and trying to find the truth about what really happened amongst tiny pieces of stuff. Basically we were trying to find out if we were a willing participant in a memory involving what we believed to be abuse and whether we wanted these things or was agreeable or something. Like to what degree are we responsible for this and do we really have the right to feel and think and believe it is abuse because maybe it wasn’t and we just had a reaction to it and need to believe it was abuse because it is safer to believe it was abusive than face the reality that we were some fucked up little kid at 7 and 8 years old that was willing and instigating and wanting intercourse and anal sex and oral sex and everything else adult oriented sex wise with some other kid a little bit older than us. Except in doing the 3rd person and someone inside recounting a narrative of what this part or that part saw and observed and was thinking and feeling, etc., we’ve learned (thus far) that we weren’t willing but we were definitely reacting in a trained manner of giving him what he wanted because “that’s what you do.”  (sarcastically) Why thank you father for all those previous years of training.  Why thank you to the others who were and had been abusing us, if ya know, we’re not making up that SRA and other crap. (end sarcasm) So we are coming to the realization that even though (thus far) we don’t recall specifically saying, “no” in this particular memory, the thoughts, feelings, worries, anxiety, and other things we recall thus far do indicate that we didn’t really want to do these things, err…sex acts.  Yet we also knew that he wanted these things and there was some sort of inner knowledge or belief or something that we didn’t think we could say no or that it would do us any good, or there were other reasons we felt we had to do this stuff, although we tried in other ways to get it to not happen. We were actually more focused on other things and the mother and our fears, anxiety, and so forth of some other stuff than over what we had to do with him. We’re not really being specific here. All of this is still hard to fucking write, which is so frustrating to some of us, because some of us want it to be no big deal, but it is a big deal.

So the sadness we’ve been feeling is deeper than before. Perhaps it isn’t so much sadness as it is grieving or perhaps grief stricken sadness.

So okay, we’ve said this much.  We’re hoping we’ll be able to at least write a narrative or 3rd person viewpoint of sharing the memory and then after that, to write it more from the first point of view from others inside.  We’re doing all that we can to steadily keep working on these memories that we’ve had for many years but never gave them the attention they needed and deserved, and certainly minimized them greatly… until now that is.  Well, not minimizing them like we’ve done in the past.  We’re seeing now more than ever before that these “basic” and “bits of memories we’ve had for many years and thought since we’ve known about them for so long they don’t really matter that much and aren’t that critical to work on in therapy,” really do need our attention and there is tons of healing and issues surrounding them.  OMG, we totally realize the depth of issues and shame and things and deeply regret not having dealt with them on this level ever before this and barely dealt with them period the past 16-17 years of therapy, but we are dealing with them now.  We’re finally ready.  The negative repercussions of never having dealt with them and not being ready and not giving them the attention that these memories and this hurt and pain has deserved all these years is just really hard to take.  A lot of regret and a lot of negative feelings and thoughts to self/ves for having waited this damn long to finally look at this stuff and realize it needs a shit load of healing and that this is where we need to start with in regards to doing memory work.

So well anyway, this stuff sucks and is damn hard to do and to keep looking at and working through.  We’ve never kept our attention and focus on any one healing subject matter for so long like we’ve had lately over this.  It is never far from our mind or heart and even when we’re dealing with something else that comes up in therapy or life, we still keep returning back to this subject matter and that is a first for us.  We’ve always had such competing agendas in therapy and yes, that stuff is still happening in therapy and thus we keep jumping from topic to topic to issue to issue to blah blah blah in therapy and in life and what we’re focusing on, but the difference is that there is one overall riding issue that continues to remain in the near background or right upfront and that is the memories and issues surrounding the neighbor boy that abused us.  We haven’t even gotten into the stuff regarding his older brother.  There is one memory by one insider who has a sadistic memory of his older brother abusing him (insider) with the neighbor boy watching and there.  Uggh.  Not sure what, if any, other memories lie with the older brother of the neighbor boy.

We’ve got to get the courage to say first names.  Fuck it.  Why protect them? Why be afraid of this? Why does it matter so much? Why not just say the names?

So anyway, yah, whoopee, in some ways our system is agreeing (for the most part) and working hard to cooperate and to keep focused (more or less) on the memories and issues surrounding the neighbor boy.  We are trying really hard to work through these things and have healing over it so that we can let it go and move past it and for it to not have its horrific grip on us and for the shame, the utter and deep shame and badness that stems from his abuse and what we did, for it to be healed and for it to not have its tragic hold on us and on our life.

I heard inside someone say, “The End.”  Not sure what that is about but anyway, we’ve got to go.  We’ve said way way wayyyyy tooo much.

Us, US, Julies, others

It involved children, adults, many types of animals, inanimate objects, water, house or building levels, trickery, tongues and colors and types of teeth, and a little bit of magick, as well as pills of some kind.  For the most part the evil was winning the fight, but at the very end, we discovered that under certain conditions we could take a pill after something happened and reverse the effects of the evil and if we did it quietly and carefully we could get enough good ones converted back to good and really use the power of all of us to fight and win, with G-d and Jesus’s help of course.  We had to do it very quietly and carefully and pretend to be “evil” and “converted to evil” but really deep down we are good and fighting and trying to win the battle and not let them win completely.

We also remember that Jesus showed up in the dream unexpectedly–we can remember seeing him to some degree… his clothing and a little bit of his face, but mostly just remember the knowledge that he appeared.  We remember that it was a surprise and big thing and much needed in the dream, but we can’t remember the situation before, during, or after he appeared.  We’re afraid it was a trick, but pretty sure that this time it wasn’t a trick Jesus but the real Jesus.

We woke up before any real resolution one way or the other, but at least we woke up where hope was returning in the dream after we discovered that under certain conditions if we took these pills, that we could erase the bad and evil and return to good and at the same time, hide the good and pretend to be evil around the evil people while trying to spread the good and win the battle.

Us and Julies

It seems like very few of us in this system have any real need for people. But at the same time, we know of experiences others inside have had that have taught us the importance of having people in our lives, and the gifts of being around safe people and people who bring us joy, etc.

Even still, much of the time when we hear friends speak of being lonely, there are many of us who try very hard to connect with that feeling. We know it exists inside for some, but it is either with only a small minority within or something we are disconnected from most of the time. We crave to be alone far more than we ever crave to be around people. There is far less anxiety when we are alone versus being around people. There’s something that is hard to put into words about how different and better or something it feels to be alone, but perhaps it is because it allows us to exist without interruptions to be in our own world and less connected to the outer world that this body lives in.

Sometimes we feel odd and out of place when we hear some of our friends share about their feelings of loneliness and needing to be around people. It is so hard for us to understand– each time we hear it, we look deep inside to connect to that feeling, for we know it is there and was there at one time. But it is like a candle barely lit that constantly flickers and barely survives. It is as though for many of us that the candles have already burnt out long ago for this need and the need to be alone and safe and something we can’t put into words far exceeds any loneliness feelings or needs to be around others.

At the same time, it is also a warning sign for us. For when melie becomes greatly upset and is strongly needing to run away and become a hermit of sorts, and others inside agree with her, then we know our system is tumbling downwards quickly and is in serious trouble.

We’re not sure why we suddenly decided to journal about this topic. It’s just something we’ve been thinking of from time to time and we were around to write about it. So there it is.

Us and Others