Archive for the ‘usz’ Category

dreams, the good and bad of them

October 31, 2009 at 3:22 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies, others (lc), us (lc) and usz. Tags: , , , , . 1 Comment

Dream with daddy in it. Ick ick ick even though it got good stuff in it cuz we be fighting back a little with words and our hands but still it scary and icky and bad and scary to us. and we gots flashbacks of usz dream and keep seeing him coming at us and what he wearing and his smile and his energy and attitude around him and it scare us lots even in usz flashback of the dream.

This what we remembers and we had it Thursday night um Friday morning day sometime and waked up from it but not write it down but now we writings it down with help from some bigs even though we still trying to talk and use usz words as much as we be allowed.

Scenes we remember. Forget all the stuff befores and after.

Daddy wearing a faded washed lots white t shirt that he wears under his shirts for work. We thinkin he wearing his blue air force pants cuz it not jeans and it just got that certain blue color on them. and he walking towards us with his hands down by his side with the ickies and scariest and yuckiest smile and attitude that he got power and control and he coming at us and he kinda mad at us but kinda amused at us but the kinda amused in the icky way of knowing he in power and control and we gonna try to or we fightings back and he know it not gonna work or nothing. And he walk towards us and we punch him with the strength of an infant a baby, really it barely touched him but we were kinda giving it all we had and kinda not and while doing that we were saying we hate you we hate you over and over and then started telling him he was lots of bad things. the words we remember saying but lots more things was said to him but the words we remember when we waked up is: you are scum of the earth. you are a piece of snot.

and we thinkin maybe we waked up after saying stuffs to him or maybe stuff happen and we not remember and then wake up. oh and we be all sweaty and stuff cuz we had a bad dream and it like a bad dream but not a bad dream cuz it be good things we do in bad dream. we NEVER EVER that we remembers ever tell daddy in usz dream that we hate him and he is a piece of snot and scum of the earth and lots of other bad things to him. and we never ever hit him in usz dream. and it be all new lately that we be dreaming and see him in usz dream cuz usually it juts lots of bad peoples or bad men or bad peoples that we not know or not recognize or not can see good sometimes and it all new the last year or two or maybe three years that we have dream where daddy show up sometimes and we not like it at all.

even ifin it be good the bad people turning into people we know and daddy be in dream and even if it be good we facing him and telling on him in usz dream cuz we had a dream about that before a few or more months ago and even if we be having those good things cuz of what they mean it still be a bad and scary and icky dream and we still got all ptsd and flashbacks of that stupid dream cuz we see him coming at us with those clothes just like he in front of us for reals right now and that smile and face and it all big in us mind and memory and all blowed up so big and scary and we notta like it at all and we hate it and we are bad and scared and bad ands it just scary it all changin and maybe he know we gots this dream and he be mad and sad and mad at usz and we just bad bad bad bad bad bad

the other part of dream or another dream around same time or maybe we go back to sleep and then wake up with this dream but it bother us but not so much flashback like the daddy thing but it still really clear this scene we remember. something happened or was going on that we can’t remember and we can’t find sean or zoi and we needs them and we looking for them and then we finally find them. we see zoi first and we so sad cuz at least 3 of her paws and bottom part of her legs are wrapped up like they be hurt and she not can stand or walk even though she was sitting up when we find her and we hug her and as we hug her we see behind her that sean is there but our memory of that part of dream is blurry and hazy and we woke up after that.

we just remembers that there another dream or scene we had too cuz we sleep and wake up and sleep lotta lots today friday during day and now it late friday night um saturday morning and so it confusing when we had what dream and what order but we think it lotta like this order we write. so we be in california on the afb we lived at and we going back there to visit as a grown up but still feeling little like a kid and the houses be all torn down and we remember that is what we found the last time we went back there. so the houses were like that and we were trying to remember or figure out what street was “our street” that we lived on b/c they had not only changed the street names when they destroyed the old houses and rebuilt entirely, but they also changed the layout of the neighborhood and so we were trying to figure out the approximation of where our old house stood and as we are doing that lots of kids of varying ages and military police began surrounding us but they were at a distance, like behind the walls of the backyards and just in general surrounding from various areas of the homes, streets, sidewalks, etc, but at a distance. more and more military police began coming closer to us in a surrounding formation and we were aware and yet trying to act innocent and stuff. i think we were sort of on a small kid bicycle or maybe a scooter or something, not necessarily just walking. and one of the mp’s got our attention and we stopped and we started to explain we used to live there and we were visiting and as we were looking past him and behind the walls of the backyards of the homes, we were trying to explain and tell him, see, this is the road to the main gate and this is the road to blah blah but in the process of looking and about to explain to him that we knew the area, things about it looked even stranger. we started to explain how it didn’t look right, the road didn’t look right and even the area behind the tall walls that were between the backyards and the road to the main gate that the grass was strange and that it was big and juicy and not grass but something else. in doing research for this, found out that it is actually Carpobrotus edulis (Hottentot-fig or iceplant). so we were trying to explain this when we were looking to our right (the opposite direction of where the main gate is supposed to be) and suddenly noticed water, lots of it, like the ocean was right behind the homes and it was moving as though it was stormy. then as we looked further to our right, we could tell that it was going to flood and overpower the homes and streets and that we had to move quickly to higher ground. we said something to that effect, hoping that the mp’s and the other people (mainly kids, teens, women) would start running quickly with us, behind us to higher ground, because we/i knew it was coming, this big flood of stormy ocean water and it was dangerous, but i remember thinking as i was running to my left and towards higher ground that suddenly appeared conveniently in my dream, that they didn’t believe me even though they saw it and it was so obvious and right in front of them and was going to head towards them. at one point while we were running and had reached the bottom of this huge mountain or cliff of dark brown gigantic boulder rocks that created a rocky, but climbable mountain that we looked back to see how close the water was to us and it was definitely heading toward us but we had a little bit more time to still get high enough for some kind of safety, although we knew time was seriously running out and we were going to get hit by the ocean/flood/stormy water before we reached the top, but we felt like we’d make it. i only remember in the dream focused on reaching the top, but i think there were others who eventually started running behind me and heading the same direction. i think (but not positive) that this is when we also started looking for sean and zoi and after reaching the top and then going into some kind of building, though the image of the building or any of that isn’t very clear… just i know it was some kind of enclosure that was very dark and it felt damp and cold, and then that’s when we found them and we were so relieved because we were missing them, needing them, worried, and wanted to be close to them for safety and security for all of us. i think we woke up shortly thereafter.

so some strange and intense dreams with lots of symbolism and some obvious or likely dream meanings to be found in them. We’ll probably write another entry about our thoughts on these things in a little while.

Time was spent researching and trying to find out what kind of grass or plant it was and when we discovered it was a type of ice plant that used to live behind the tall brick wall behind our house that separated our backyard from the ice plant, then the sidewalk, then the main road leading to the main gate and other parts of the afb. Anyway, now we are ‘bigger’ and that feels nice as we feel more stable being grown up at the moment since we’ve been primarily very young and struggling to be ‘big’ at all these last few days.

Julies, but earlier us, usz, and possibly some others

Nightime Ramblings Lead to Therapy Musings

June 17, 2009 at 4:17 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies, L.J., Unknown, us (lc) and usz. Tags: , , , , , , . 0 Comments

It’s a little after 3am. I woke up, thanks to Zoi (Zoey), to take her out at about 1:30-1:45 A.M. I tried not to be too grumpy with her as she did a very brief pee and then took forever to poop but she finally realized I was serious and went poop without too much grumpiness from me. I just wanted her to go out and do her business, especially since she was so insistent that she needed to go. The problem is that usually when I’m awakened in the middle of the night or way to freaking early in the morning (like 5-6-7am) we end up awake for several hours before we can fall back asleep. Hence my grumpiness at her taking long because the longer she takes, the harder it is for us to just go back to bed. Anyway, such is life with a dog, and we have to say she is incredibly adorable and lovable!

So we had a bowl of cereal, skimmed for interesting articles in the tiny local newspaper that is really more like a newsletter that I found awaiting in the driveway after taking Zoi out. Then we went online and tried to look up some new anti-depressant that we could only remember the name partially of but had seen on a tv advertisement the day before. It’s Pristiq in case anyone is curious. And now we’re here trying to write something, even though nothing of value has really been said.

I guess for value sake we can say that we’ve discovered in the past few days that talking and telling and communicating things in our head (as if we’re writing a journal entry) in 3rd person about stuff with the neighbor boy is proving to be helpful and most recently tonight as we fell asleep, it is also proving to uncover additional information. Of course there is always the cynical and disbelieving and questioning parts of what if such and such is being made up or adjusted to what our psyche can handle or what we want to believe, etc., but I think what’s being shared is true and valid as there is a connection to my heart and what some of us know for sure is absolutely how it is whereas other stuff is pieces filled in and we’re pretty sure that’s how it is. Just someone inside always seems to have to take the role of being so utterly critical and self-hating and anything deeply negative that is needed.

We’re sounding pretty general and some inside are sure we’re sounding really fake and making stuff up and stuff but really it is because of how cryptic we’re being about things. Part of it is that it is still hard to really talk about certain things and part of it is that we’re really pretty tired and don’t feel like getting into the whole topic and starting a long journal entry about it.

The other thing is that we had therapy today, err, yesterday (Tuesday), and it turned out to be about some present day stuff that is really stressing our system out and causing a lot of anxiety. It was supposed to have been time for some others inside to have a ‘release’ of their pain and time for them to share since they didn’t get that Saturday either. So the buildup had been coming. Now it is really hard as there are internal reactions to what took place or rather what didn’t take place in therapy today. However, out of that, some interesting things came about towards the end of therapy.

1) Those inside awaiting their turn basically said something to the effect that “Something is always more important than their pain.” “Their pain is never important enough or enough of a priority.” I’m not quoting this correctly at all, but the gist is there and it was poignant the way they said it. I have it on tape and so I just have to review it and find it and update that here.

2) We realized (again for the ??? time) that we really need to listen to those whose requests are practically whispers or barely there for things. We’ve been hearing ever so quietly and ever so faintly and not at all loud or insistent or so obnoxious that we have to do something about it, the request to have on hand blank paper and crayons as part of our therapy stuff that we bring to therapy and lay out on the floor with us. We sit on the floor pretty regularly as this is just something weird that helps us get in touch with the inside easier (well, sometimes anyway… much more so than sitting on a couch or chair). They need to see and have available for them to get to easily the paper and crayons in case they come forward and need a way to communicate.

3) This then sort of brings back the point which we’ve become aware of in the past, but somehow today we just really got it on a different level or something was different and we heard them on a deeper level and perhaps more so with love and nurturing and respect that we haven’t in the past… anyway, something different transpired today, ever so briefly as we wrapped up therapy today. The realization and discussion with Kathy that many in our system value our therapy time and value talking and utilizing therapy time as much as possible in that way (or listening to our therapist’s feedback). So when insiders who are hurting and in pain take a long time to come forward and then take a long time to talk, others inside decide that they aren’t going to come forward, aren’t going to talk or say anything of usefulness, and so others inside take steps to get their agenda met and not waste therapy time (THANKS SO FUCKING MUCH BITCH ALYSA THERAPIST FOR THAT LOVELY FUCKING THING WE SO EVER CAN’T SEEM TO GET OUT OF OUR HEAD) and basically try to make use of every minute that we have in therapy talking about stuff, processing stuff. However, this takes away the whole point of others being able to just sit and ‘be’ and to ‘be in their pain’ and for Kathy to be a witness to their pain, even if they don’t say anything right away or even if they don’t know how to say anything or what to say. It is sort of like we realized on a deeper level, perhaps an emotional level instead of just a yah, yah, intellectual level, ok, but blah blah blah intellectual level, kind of thing that we need to work really hard at stepping as far back as we can so that others inside can come forward and just be and just have a witness to their pain, no matter how wasteful of therapy it may seem to us (since they aren’t saying anything, don’t seem to plan or have anything to say, etc.) and of course the crazy thing of all (and yet so duh and not crazy and again, duhhh) is that the further we step back, the more they will have to say I’m sure. It’s just if we can’t pick up anything from L.J. who is or might be picking up stuff from them (so it is very indirect) then we make assumptions, and the thing is, L.J. has been known whether purposefully or unconsciously or the data may simply be marked as sealed and stuff, that even if L.J. gets info or pieces, it will not translate over to us when we scan her for info she is picking up. So we make assumptions on false information due to the amnesia blocks and information blocks and others inside and ourselves make it harder for those in pain to push forward and us out of the way (unless they are majorly triggered by something).

We should note that we had a therapist years ago (before Wendy in fact) that told us on numerous occasions that we were “wasting our therapy time,” “wasting therapy time.” Oh and she wanted us to “tell her about our pain,” (she said this a lot too very closely associated with us wasting our therapy time when we failed to do so) but every time we tried to tell her about our pain, we did it wrong and we were wasting therapy time and we couldn’t figure out how to do it or what she wanted and we just didn’t know how to do that and she didn’t really help us figure out how or whatever. All I know is there was a time after having been told this repeatedly over many sessions, that we felt at the end that we had really done hard work in therapy and we really believed we had made progress in “not wasting our therapy time” and truly felt and believed we had done hard work and then we were told, once again before we left that session (after what we believed to have been hard work and telling her our pain) that we had wasted our therapy time.

So anyway, unfortunately this piece of shit garbage has followed us for years and years and has been a constant pain in the ass problem that has carried over with us with every therapist we’ve had since then. We just don’t know how to let this issue go– it really affected us greatly and I suppose it traumatized us because we have regular anxiety over it. Even after all those years with Wendy, we’d still have this shit come up while doing work with Wendy—worries and anxiety and needing reassurance from Wendy, etc. We’ve decided recently that we need to confront Alysa again about it as we think we may have forgotten this piece to confront her on (we confronted her once while seeing Wendy) because there was a lengthy list of shit that she did that greatly affected our system in very negative ways. Anyway, we’re going to confront Alysa again in the near future and do our damndest to find a way to let this stupid fucking bullshit piece of crap fucking bitchy unethical in our opinion stupid fuck therapist comment to let it go. Even if we were not doing therapy “right” or not making progress according to her, she could have fucking spoken to us about it in a professional manner instead of saying the crap she said and she said it way too fucking much and devalued our attempts and efforts and work we were trying to do in therapy. Excuse us for not knowing how to do therapy right enough for you bitch Alysa.

Shit. Apparently some inside still have a ton of anger at her about this and perhaps other stuff. Damn. I had no idea there was still so much anger and nasty words still left towards her. Anytime she’s come up with other therapists, other parts who are far more pc will speak of her and mention casually or matter of factly or sometimes with emphasis that we had a negative experience and some things were said and done that were hurtful (and at times brief examples are given), but wow, never anything as nasty as what has just been written here.

We had some other points to write about in regards to therapy insights and awareness and thoughts about stuff that transpired in therapy yesterday but we’ve gotten so far off track and just too tired to try and bring those thoughts back after a lot of searching inside and even after we get them, we’d have to write them down and this is long enough as it is.

Bleh. Such is some middle of the night writings. I guess we’re gonna try and go back to sleep. We’ll see how that goes.

Julies and whomever else here cuz there sure were a bunch around at different times

“Have To Get The Sad Out Of Us”

May 9, 2009 at 9:18 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Julie/s, us (lc) and usz. Tags: , . 1 Comment

Just needed to share something, however short it may be. We had therapy earlier today and we showed her a collage that gives a general system overview in many ways. We have also been talking a little bit the last several weeks (i think several weeks, not sure) of various things relating to this neighbor boy who abused us. We discussed inside a little bit earlier today as we thought about writing a journal entry, and I thought we might say his first name, but apparently we’re not going to just yet. At any rate, we’ve begun providing some general history of things we’ve known about for a long time, but haven’t fully processed to some kind of healing state.

I questioned and pondered aloud the time before last when I saw Kathy (therapist) as to how does one know and distinguish between a memory that is healed and unpleasant memories that are a part of my past. I am not even coming close to the way I originally phrased it, but that’s the general gist of it, and honestly, it sounds utterly stupid to me now as I type it… like it should just be a duh thing, but it isn’t. At least not the way we were phrasing and wondering about it when we spoke with Kathy.

So we are making slow progress I suppose and are trying to carve out a pathway and plan in our healing as we partake along this new path and new journey of therapy with Kathy. We spoke a lot about the shame and badness that we have and how it is particularly attached to any of the abuse in any way (indirect or direct) by the neighbor boy. We left therapy fairly triggered with a lot of emotions and things close by, along with the us and usz groups very close. They wrote a letter to Kathy and one of the things that was stated in the letter was something about “having to get the sad out of usz.” For some reason it just spoke volumes to me, in that it was something so precious and heart breaking in the way it was worded and shared by the younger ones. I can’t quite put it fully into words, but it touched me and many others inside.

So we are embarking along a journey to “get the sad out of us” and one of those things we’re realizing (once again many times over) is that we need to write down in every detail that we can the various memories we have that surround the abuse and any piece relating indirectly or directly to it. We have a lot of pieces that provide information on what happened and the dynamics with our family and what kind of impact it had on us. I don’t know… I keep feeling like I’m not expressing myself in the way that I need or want to do so.

We’re fighting through the blocks we’ve been having with writing. We’re also continuing to work on a way to have greater access to our computer or one of Sean’s work laptops so that we can continue to push forward in journaling as well as working on our website, etc.

So this note is longer than I thought, but shorter than what all we really need to say ultimately.

Julie/s