lost as i was
yet knowing where to go
but lost i stayed
and forgotten.

this home, oh ye forgot
in the forefront of ye mind
but in the crevices
thy home lurked
ever reminding me how lost
i was staying
and losing my way.

is it ye or is it me
or is it I that will see
how lost we’ve come to be.

months go by
and years of little words
that fill this home
but in the pockets of thy home
hidden in secret passageways
words and time have passed
and locked away each their own.

perhaps we will stay
in this home we’ve longed for
yet parted ways with
as we filled ourselves
with fear and worry
of those that would find
our home and we would
surely die from the knowing.

is it true, thy saying
of the truth and freedom
or is it just farce
that will shred
what little is left of us?

shall we worry
if thy mother should know
or the ones who watch
and surely know
we are asking for death
for that is the price we pay
when silence is spoken.

and what of the people
who may find that all of we
and all that has passed
and made us a we,
what would they say
and think and do
if they knew the real us
that we once dared to show
and open thy doors of our home
for all to see, but alas, only here
for our home to them
is but a mask they see.

how crazy we must be
for being open for all to see
and yet others do
while others don’t
and which is right
and which is wrong
we don’t know for us.

and so we come
tip toeing our way home
peeking out through thy corners
lifting the curtains and opening
the windows and taking deep breaths
to write here once more again.

a bunch of us writing which is why it is so different and not so great throughout but it is what it is

p.s. our home we talk about is really our online journal

there’s so so so much that has happened inside, in our thoughts, in our therapy, in our processing and healing, and of course life, and yet there has been this vast emptiness here in our journal. all we have are our taped therapy sessions and some occasional brief handwritten journal entries and what’s left within that has not been written but resides somewhere in here in time and space.

it’s hard to just start writing whatever current is going on, whatever it is that is right there in our thoughts and feelings at the moment we begin posting. it’s as though it’s wrong, not right, not valid? (interesting that word came up in the mind), not something that can be written unless we go back and fill in all the gaps, which of course is overwhelming. thus, the gaps won’t be filled in anytime soon and thus, a nothingness exists. and the nothingness continues onward and the nothingness gap grows and extends further.

suddenly someone inside wonders how much the nothingness that exists here on our online journal, how much of that is a symbolic thing of the struggle we’ve battled constantly, but more prevalently lately in our healing. there’s a saying within that is uttered on a regular basis, both within and outside, particularly when any discussion of ritual abuse comes up. and really, it’s more than ritual abuse, but somehow leaving out the satanic part or the cult part or the other things we wonder about or the mind control words before or after or in conjunction to ritual abuse or ra is somehow less scary, less real, less telling than to use the sra or any of the other words spelled out. of course i know we just wrote them and spelled them out, but it’s a start from leaving them blank and unsaid and just known by us what we mean when we use the terminology that we do.

so the saying that is used, which at some point we tracked down to this really bad circular thinking and programming and stuff and will have to take time to find it within sometime to explain it, but anyway, here it is. “nothing happened. it’s not true.” it’s not true because nothing happened. if nothing happened, then there is nothing to tell, nothing to say, nothing to see, nothing to feel, nothing to remember. just a vast nothingness. a blank. a darkness of nothing. just exactly as the word means. nothing. empty. nothing. and if we should dare to remember or dare to see, dare to feel, dare to speak, dare to tell, then what comes from within us is utterly not true. it’s just not true. we are crazy and a liar. if we know we aren’t lying consciously then our other brain is tricking us. it is there tricking us to believe something happened and we are crazy and wrong and nothing happened, it’s not true. and since we have another brain tricking us into believing this and it is purposefully making up things that aren’t true and when nothing happened, then surely we must understand how utterly and horribly bad we are and useless and beyond worthless and disgusting and sick and crazy and oh the worst upon worst of badness there ever could possibly be. so to not be this inescapable badness that is beyond redemption and “badder than our current badness” as some kids would explain inside, we must understand and remember that nothing happened, it’s not true. that is the safest thing to know. to know nothing. to know anything that our other brain tries to trick us with is not true. that nothing happened. that there is a vast darkness of nothing and really just an empty nothing. and so there is nothing to say, and on and on it goes.

well i guess we explained most of that circular crazy stuff although it feels like there is more, oh so much more that relates to all of it.

and so we had this spark of an idea and wonderment that perhaps our lack of writing here, thus nothingness, is perhaps a parallel (?) or something to the struggle we’re dealing with inside. as though the more we battle that nothing happened, it’s not true, and the more the truth is tearing down the denials and the walls, then the more we need to show in other ways, that nothing happened, it’s not true, and that there is nothing to say, nothing to tell, nothing to reveal, yadda yadda.

i don’t feel like i’m grasping or explaining the entirety of what this is. i caught this faint fleeting glimmer of an idea as we were writing stuff above and that’s where it lead me for a moment, but it is lost and gone and i’m grasping at nothing i can see or feel or think. but i still grasp, hoping i will end up with something that i can take with me and journey further within to understand and connect pieces of things.

oh without explaining, without writing when this has already drained us from writing what we have written, there is so very much going on within. it feels huge and is very scary and we are constantly getting triggered to cut and self-injure and that is a battle that is so hard right now to fight. and the utter sadness and emotional pain is vast and deep with an unyielding of neediness that just won’t end. to even have a glimpse of observation as an insider to their pain being expressed to our therapist, even if for a few seconds and then i’m, we’re gone, that horrific pain that is beyond measurement is just so frighteningly real and what lies beneath their pain is even more frightening to me. the horrors, the injustice, the evil, the memories of whatever that must exist somewhere inside me that is beyond the nothingness and darkness and blankness, it is all too much. as others inside reveal themselves and write and share things and as we look back on old writings from others and information previously shared, the shock of “that exists within me, within our system” is almost a bit too much. never in my wildest dreams would i imagine some of these things to be within or words and things to be expressed in the ways that they are and yet it comes from within our system and it is so strange and surreal sometimes to put together pieces of not one life, but many lives within here. yeah sure, one body and thus one life, but there are so many of us within and although some of us share a lot of similarities there are just as many of us that are vastly different from one another. and we all have a life within here and are part of this body’s life, whether she likes it or not. words do not comprehend it well.

this is another attempt at writing. we will continue to make attempts and hopefully someday we will return to routine writing.

us, julies, and whomever else

we stand here
waiting for you
to come around
to our side.

you don’t want what we know
yet you seek it
then run and hide
such is your way.

desperately come
desperately go
that is your way
asking then hiding
and locking yourself away
from us

you think it is gone
the pain that was so real
as though we are fine
and it wasn’t real
but it is
if you looked again
and stood with us
for the pain
consumes us
and spreads
like molten lava
and poison in the lands

there is no love
here or there
just lock us away
and we know our bad
will be our good
of silence
evermore
hidden
so as to not knock at your door

when will you knock?
when will you stay?
when will you not run away?

our pain is our own
yet you can’t stand to be close to it
as if it will swallow you up
and sink you in its quicksand
but who cares
just leave us here
like you always do

you lack function
like we do

don’t want to be bad but oh the urges and need is so very strong.  it is always well most always at our wrists, especially left wrist.  from the inside out it burns and desperately craves and needs pressure, cutting.  so then we wonder why there again. why only there in this one area and practically in certain spots on the wrist and what is behind that.  sometimes the heart but it is the wrist and certain place on the wrist.  no other places on the body work.  it means nothing and seems to do nothing.  just this one spot and sometimes the heart, but nearly always the wrist. so we wonder again why, what is it about the wrist. why there.  why not anywhere else.  oh if only somewhere else then we could do it cuz we could hide it so much more.  but it does nothing anywhere else.

and we heard from someone inside, “we are bound to them.”   a sudden awareness, insight flying forward with it, accompanied by shock, disgust, and this need to vomit.  inside we can feel the wretching happen but the body did nothing but lay there while we felt the body have a reaction to someone inside throwing up. we saw their body wretch and we saw them throw up nothing and we felt the body feel the someone’s body feeling of throwing up.  but nobody would know if they be watching us on outside.  we are never to show dishonor so the body doesn’t show it.

they are so mad we are telling.  they say so very mean and attitude of as if that is true and we don’t know nothing and shut the hell up and shut the fuck up and nothing happened, it’s not true, over and over she goes again.

so we don’t know.  since we was wondering we are thinking maybe the crazy brain made it up and just trying to trick us.  we know about tricks.  that we learned hard.  so our brain can trick us.  they say our brain could be crazy and trick us into believing things that aren’t true.  so we always wonder if maybe our brain wants to hurt us and trick us into thinking things are real and true and accurate and from our subconscious which would mean supposedly that it is true cuz it is coming from there.  except what about the subconscious having a conscious that it don’t know about and you don’t know about and so when you get the info you think it is all subconscious but instead it is some conscious subconscious that is purposefully tricking you and thinking crazy things and you don’t know it cuz your regular conscious isn’t doing it that much you know and you think the info is from your subconscious and so must be true since you know you aren’t making it up.  except the info is so bad and crazy and just can’t be real and just has to be made up somehow and the only somehow left is a conscious subconscious that wants to trick you and make you think bad and wrong things and be crazy and so much more.

and all the things we said up there they just can’t be true. and we are just crazy and bad and being tricked.

but some secretly inside think it is true. some of it at least. but it isn’t, it isn’t, it isn’t.

i think it’s cuz we’ve been working so very hard in therapy and it is taking its toll on us.  i guess we’re supposed to expect or at least be able to cope with the after effects of therapy but it is so so hard and painful and so exhausting.  we are wondering if we need to pull back some and slow down some of the stuff but we think others inside are just focused on pushing harder and pushing forward on things and that we can cope with it.  well some of us think not!  the sadness entrenches us.  how do we get rid of it? i mean besides making it go away but really it doesn’t go away just somewhere buried inside.

we think too all this therapy and crap is just too much for the other Julies as they just get so worn out easily by lots of stuff and especially since they are kind of working through some of this with us, well ya know, vicariously working through the stuff they know about and are aware of.  it doesn’t take too much emotions and therapy stuff to totally wipe out the Julies if they can’t stay far enough away from it.

we are wondering if we need to do a forced dissociation in order to get stuff done but not sure how long it would really last.  but like in therapy when things are too much or have hit a strong triggering point where the ones pushing to do the talking and telling and emotions and stuff have pushed as far as they can against the ones trying to keep everything silent and nothing happened its not true and all that stuff, well, a weird kind of jolt and snap and jerk of the head and boom we are totally fine and nothing happened, it’s not true, no feelings, nothing, just utter and totally fine and okay and perfectly normal with no problems and no issues.  so like maybe we need to try and use that as sort of a forced thing when we’re like this.  not sure if we can but maybe we could try and see.   and we have no idea if we can control it like that but guess it is worth trying.  but doing any of that by itself takes energy too.  and we have so little of it.  so little physical and so very little emotionally at this point too.

it really sucks being anemic too and we need to schedule an appt with our regular dr. because looking online it talks about how it is important to find out the cause of it.  maybe then we can actually get our vit b12 and folic acid and vit d and whatever else needs to be checked as possible causes of anemia.  we’ve been wanting our vit b12 and vit d checked for so long but always afraid to just ask outright and afraid if the dr. says no b/c for whatever reason it isn’t “medically necessary” or they don’t want to b/c we didn’t convince them enough that it is merited then we are screwed in the future and will have to prove so much harder that it is medically necessary to have evaluated.  we are pretty sure they are totally low and we need vit b12 shots and special vit d pills.  we just suspect it is also contributing to our problems.  our sleep dr. tested and found the anemia and we’re taking supplements but we’re still exhausted and we know it’s going to take time and we’re also looking at upping the double dosage he is already prescribing to us.  we are thinking of taking a different brand and type of iron supplement in addition to the kind and mg he prescribed.

and for all this time, for many years, we’ve thought that our fatigue was associated with our depression and just being a fuck up and stuff.  now we’re wondering if we’ve been anemic for years now.  our regular dr. checked our iron when we went in to see her awhile back but she didn’t do the extensive testing.  the sleep dr did and he found it that way.  she just diagnosed us with chronic fatigue syndrome and maybe we have that but maybe we don’t.  i don’t know.  we just hate being tired all the time.  and this has been our life for years now.  having no energy to do crap and any small thing (taking shower, emptying dishwasher) wears us out and puts us back to bed to lay down which often leads to several hours of sleep.

so whine, whine, whine.  we’re having a hard time.  we hurt emotionally and sometimes physically but i think we still dissociate a lot of our body pain.  we get weird ass pains in various places in our body but we just cope with it and deal with it.  we’re emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted and the depression is just doing its damndest to suck us up and really, we think with the therapy stuff we’re doing lately, we think we’re experiencing a lot of grief even though we’re not sure what exactly it is we’re experiencing other than deep sadness and just our system is struggling.

we can’t put into words yet quite what is going on.  sorry this is so stupid.  just we hate things right now.  it’s so crazy how we can plummet so far and so fast and we forget sometimes how very easy and very close we always are to this place.  we’ve been struggling but getting through and we’re used to that… things being hard with varying moments of coping ok and varying crappy times, but now things are not just hard and barely getting through, they just fucking suck and we feel like we’re falling with nothing to hold onto to stop.

stupid us.

julies, and others we think

So we had a bowl of cereal, skimmed for interesting articles in the tiny local newspaper that is really more like a newsletter that I found awaiting in the driveway after taking Zoi out. Then we went online and tried to look up some new anti-depressant that we could only remember the name partially of but had seen on a tv advertisement the day before. It’s Pristiq in case anyone is curious. And now we’re here trying to write something, even though nothing of value has really been said.

I guess for value sake we can say that we’ve discovered in the past few days that talking and telling and communicating things in our head (as if we’re writing a journal entry) in 3rd person about stuff with the neighbor boy is proving to be helpful and most recently tonight as we fell asleep, it is also proving to uncover additional information. Of course there is always the cynical and disbelieving and questioning parts of what if such and such is being made up or adjusted to what our psyche can handle or what we want to believe, etc., but I think what’s being shared is true and valid as there is a connection to my heart and what some of us know for sure is absolutely how it is whereas other stuff is pieces filled in and we’re pretty sure that’s how it is. Just someone inside always seems to have to take the role of being so utterly critical and self-hating and anything deeply negative that is needed.

We’re sounding pretty general and some inside are sure we’re sounding really fake and making stuff up and stuff but really it is because of how cryptic we’re being about things. Part of it is that it is still hard to really talk about certain things and part of it is that we’re really pretty tired and don’t feel like getting into the whole topic and starting a long journal entry about it.

The other thing is that we had therapy today, err, yesterday (Tuesday), and it turned out to be about some present day stuff that is really stressing our system out and causing a lot of anxiety. It was supposed to have been time for some others inside to have a ‘release’ of their pain and time for them to share since they didn’t get that Saturday either. So the buildup had been coming. Now it is really hard as there are internal reactions to what took place or rather what didn’t take place in therapy today. However, out of that, some interesting things came about towards the end of therapy.

1) Those inside awaiting their turn basically said something to the effect that “Something is always more important than their pain.” “Their pain is never important enough or enough of a priority.” I’m not quoting this correctly at all, but the gist is there and it was poignant the way they said it. I have it on tape and so I just have to review it and find it and update that here.

2) We realized (again for the ??? time) that we really need to listen to those whose requests are practically whispers or barely there for things. We’ve been hearing ever so quietly and ever so faintly and not at all loud or insistent or so obnoxious that we have to do something about it, the request to have on hand blank paper and crayons as part of our therapy stuff that we bring to therapy and lay out on the floor with us. We sit on the floor pretty regularly as this is just something weird that helps us get in touch with the inside easier (well, sometimes anyway… much more so than sitting on a couch or chair). They need to see and have available for them to get to easily the paper and crayons in case they come forward and need a way to communicate.

3) This then sort of brings back the point which we’ve become aware of in the past, but somehow today we just really got it on a different level or something was different and we heard them on a deeper level and perhaps more so with love and nurturing and respect that we haven’t in the past… anyway, something different transpired today, ever so briefly as we wrapped up therapy today. The realization and discussion with Kathy that many in our system value our therapy time and value talking and utilizing therapy time as much as possible in that way (or listening to our therapist’s feedback). So when insiders who are hurting and in pain take a long time to come forward and then take a long time to talk, others inside decide that they aren’t going to come forward, aren’t going to talk or say anything of usefulness, and so others inside take steps to get their agenda met and not waste therapy time (THANKS SO FUCKING MUCH BITCH ALYSA THERAPIST FOR THAT LOVELY FUCKING THING WE SO EVER CAN’T SEEM TO GET OUT OF OUR HEAD) and basically try to make use of every minute that we have in therapy talking about stuff, processing stuff. However, this takes away the whole point of others being able to just sit and ‘be’ and to ‘be in their pain’ and for Kathy to be a witness to their pain, even if they don’t say anything right away or even if they don’t know how to say anything or what to say. It is sort of like we realized on a deeper level, perhaps an emotional level instead of just a yah, yah, intellectual level, ok, but blah blah blah intellectual level, kind of thing that we need to work really hard at stepping as far back as we can so that others inside can come forward and just be and just have a witness to their pain, no matter how wasteful of therapy it may seem to us (since they aren’t saying anything, don’t seem to plan or have anything to say, etc.) and of course the crazy thing of all (and yet so duh and not crazy and again, duhhh) is that the further we step back, the more they will have to say I’m sure. It’s just if we can’t pick up anything from L.J. who is or might be picking up stuff from them (so it is very indirect) then we make assumptions, and the thing is, L.J. has been known whether purposefully or unconsciously or the data may simply be marked as sealed and stuff, that even if L.J. gets info or pieces, it will not translate over to us when we scan her for info she is picking up. So we make assumptions on false information due to the amnesia blocks and information blocks and others inside and ourselves make it harder for those in pain to push forward and us out of the way (unless they are majorly triggered by something).

We should note that we had a therapist years ago (before Wendy in fact) that told us on numerous occasions that we were “wasting our therapy time,” “wasting therapy time.” Oh and she wanted us to “tell her about our pain,” (she said this a lot too very closely associated with us wasting our therapy time when we failed to do so) but every time we tried to tell her about our pain, we did it wrong and we were wasting therapy time and we couldn’t figure out how to do it or what she wanted and we just didn’t know how to do that and she didn’t really help us figure out how or whatever. All I know is there was a time after having been told this repeatedly over many sessions, that we felt at the end that we had really done hard work in therapy and we really believed we had made progress in “not wasting our therapy time” and truly felt and believed we had done hard work and then we were told, once again before we left that session (after what we believed to have been hard work and telling her our pain) that we had wasted our therapy time.

So anyway, unfortunately this piece of shit garbage has followed us for years and years and has been a constant pain in the ass problem that has carried over with us with every therapist we’ve had since then. We just don’t know how to let this issue go– it really affected us greatly and I suppose it traumatized us because we have regular anxiety over it. Even after all those years with Wendy, we’d still have this shit come up while doing work with Wendy—worries and anxiety and needing reassurance from Wendy, etc. We’ve decided recently that we need to confront Alysa again about it as we think we may have forgotten this piece to confront her on (we confronted her once while seeing Wendy) because there was a lengthy list of shit that she did that greatly affected our system in very negative ways. Anyway, we’re going to confront Alysa again in the near future and do our damndest to find a way to let this stupid fucking bullshit piece of crap fucking bitchy unethical in our opinion stupid fuck therapist comment to let it go. Even if we were not doing therapy “right” or not making progress according to her, she could have fucking spoken to us about it in a professional manner instead of saying the crap she said and she said it way too fucking much and devalued our attempts and efforts and work we were trying to do in therapy. Excuse us for not knowing how to do therapy right enough for you bitch Alysa.

Shit. Apparently some inside still have a ton of anger at her about this and perhaps other stuff. Damn. I had no idea there was still so much anger and nasty words still left towards her. Anytime she’s come up with other therapists, other parts who are far more pc will speak of her and mention casually or matter of factly or sometimes with emphasis that we had a negative experience and some things were said and done that were hurtful (and at times brief examples are given), but wow, never anything as nasty as what has just been written here.

We had some other points to write about in regards to therapy insights and awareness and thoughts about stuff that transpired in therapy yesterday but we’ve gotten so far off track and just too tired to try and bring those thoughts back after a lot of searching inside and even after we get them, we’d have to write them down and this is long enough as it is.

Bleh. Such is some middle of the night writings. I guess we’re gonna try and go back to sleep. We’ll see how that goes.

Julies and whomever else here cuz there sure were a bunch around at different times

one of the bigger Julies finally told the mother, “I’m disabled for a reason,” when referencing to the mother that we needed a break away from her and not going to her house when we said we would and that this was taking a huge toll on us and we were burnt out by everything. it took us so long simply because we can only manage so much concentration and energy to do anything and so what might have taken ordinary people a weekend for the amount of work that needed to be done and we did, it took us basically 2 weeks… and we still didn’t accomplish everything. there is a lot left to do and Sean came over several times to help and Loretta came over towards the end to help put things in order and get the basics done on things we just couldn’t get to because we were running out of time and our OCD couldn’t let go of certain things to ignore all the dust and dirt and crap of things that needed to be done and since we were doing it, it needed to be done right and while it took time, it took less time to do it right than to go back and do it over at some point and we had no interest in doing it over at any time in the near future and so we needed to do it then. even if it pissed off the mother because we weren’t getting everything done and it wasn’t getting done in the way she wanted or in the time she wanted and we weren’t listening to her towards the end to ignore the cleaning and just make it done and ready somehow. well fuck it, it’s fucking family coming to visit and if they can’t cope with it and realize the situation and that we did the best we could, then fuck it. damn it, some of us felt like if she still needed shit done, her sisters could help, because they are sisters after all. fucking hell she is ill.

we did let the mother know clearly again that we had no intentions on taking care of her when her health gets even worse. she’ll be going to a home or some place and other people will care for her, thank you very fucking much. we’ve cared for her as a child and as an adult and still to some degree do a lot of shit for her, and fuck it, we just aren’t doing it for her when she is totally in need of 24/7 care. fuck that. i don’t care if she is my mother. she fucking doesn’t deserve it from us. maybe if she cared for us as a child and cared for herself throughout our adulthood, then just fucking maybe we wouldn’t mind the idea of helping her when she gets older and more ill, but fucking hell, she isn’t coming to our home and we aren’t going to hers. and amazingly the mother seems to understand that and says she doesn’t want to do that to me or bryan. guilt i suppose or maybe she’s just saying that, but she seems to be sincere about it.

it seems hard to believe that so much time has passed and we were at the mother’s for so long. in coming out of the fog or whatever state we were in, the realization that we put our entire life, our entire personal to do list, our entire well being, our entire sanity, our entire everything on hold, and put away and pushed aside, all for her and her sake. we tried to tell ourselves it was for our aunts sake as well because they needed a nice enough place to stay, but really, it wouldn’t have been the end of the world if they saw how things normally are. it’s like in the moment while it was happening we just didn’t seem to “get it” how much time was passing and how much we were putting aside all for the mother. on one level we knew it, but on many more greater levels, it wasn’t connecting. i guess it was just a dissociation and denial of the reality and truth of what was happening.

Sean said that he doesn’t want this to happen like this ever again. that he will pay for half of the cleaning the mother needs and call professionals in– that he doesn’t want to see us go through this again and what it did to us, etc. i think he saw more of the depth of the stress and toil and problems that this caused for us and our system and functioning than we did or do. he did see the mother as we knew her to be growing up and in our adult years for many years… he saw the mother we knew… the one who takes her stress out on us, simply because that’s what she does and who she targets…generally. the mother who was rude and snarky and bitchy to us when she wasn’t getting her way or what she wanted exactly or how she wanted it exactly… when her control wasn’t there over us and we were doing things the way we wanted to, when, how, and on our time schedule and not hers. he saw our anxiety when we didn’t realize we were anxious. the only thing we noticed was that we were irritated with the mother and couldn’t stand her and angry and hating that we were doing anything for her. i thought it was just that others inside who have mother issues had come forward closer to the front suddenly, as i’ve experienced this sudden “okay or no feelings or nothing or fine” to this sudden out of the blue intense internal feelings and issues and stuff that we’re fighting to keep under control and not show it to the mother that we can’t stand to be around her and don’t want to be there and certainly don’t want to be helping her or doing anything that pleases her, etc. apparently the mother irritated Sean too by what she said to us and around us, that interestingly, I didn’t hear or notice at all… but I’m guessing others inside did since they suddenly were triggered close by. The amnesia and separation was there for that.

There’s more… so much more to say and write about and get out in the open, but we are running out of time for that today.

We have therapy today with Cec… the first time since the beginning of September. And the stupid fucking thing about all of it is that my Medicaid was back dated which means we could have been seeing Cec all this time, but the fucking agency are assholes and idiots and really not for profit as much as they say they are cuz they fucking don’t work with people in our situation (we always get our Medicaid back dated but they seem to think we can afford $200 a month to pay them to see Cec regularly and then of course, oh geez, we will have a credit with them or they will owe us when our medical comes through as always). There’s more about this topic, but it’s what it is and we are bitchy and wanting and asking too much and spoiled. Spoiled because we had a reasonable therapist (Wendy) who worked with us all those years in our financial situation and still accepts a small monthly payment until someday our situation changes and we can pay her more and pay her off fully. We expect things to change and to be able to pay her fully off at some point in the next 5 years.

We are bringing Sean with us to therapy and he will be going in there with us as support. Cec didn’t want to meet him or anything anytime soon. This was several months ago. We gave her a heads up voice mail message and Billie is prepared to tell her to deal with it and that it is our fucking therapy and not Cec’s and Billie will royally be pissed if Cec takes issue with it. We clearly don’t have the best close connection or care too much and won’t concede to whatever Cec wants just because she wants it this way or that. We’re not in the mood for it and it’s our therapy and not Cec’s. There’s so much crap that Cec can’t and won’t give that we need and this one thing in addition to everything else is just one that we aren’t dealing with because we refuse to let Cec have her way on this. And if she throws a big tizzy about it, it only pushes us further away to get another therapist, which we are working on as it is. For many different reasons. Cec is still a good therapist, but there are things we need that she can’t or won’t give for any number of reasons and there are things that just don’t work in the long term for us with her or with the agency. It really doesn’t help that every 3 months (and less when all is taken into account) that we have a disruption of therapy for 3-6 weeks or so, simply because of the medical issue that always takes care of itself in the long run but the agency is all about money and less about working out a payment arrangement, etc. Whatever. And it is really less than 3 months because beginning Dec. 1st, we’ll be in this situation again and chances are it will be mid-late December before everything is taken care of and by then the holidays and whatnot will be around and well, whatever, in a month and a half we’ll have another unnecessary disruption of therapy. So yah, that really doesn’t bode well for conducive therapeutic relationship crap.

After therapy tonight, we go to the dress rehearsal and afterwards to the dinner. The father will be there at both. That brings up a shit load of emotions and thoughts and system confusion and disruption and uggh, it’s a mess, and conveniently we are sidestepping it because we’ve got to go and take care of a few things and then get dressed and ready for it and head to therapy and then all of that.

The father has been in town since Wednesday and tonight will be the first time we see him and first time we speak to him. We feel stupid and so babyish for being so anxious about it and worried and stressed and uggh. There’s been a lot of intense emotional pain as others come forward. They even cried for a brief few minutes, but really cried, which we haven’t been able to do for so long. It happened when we took Zoey outside to go to the bathroom. It was definitely young ones crying. It’s just so weird. And validating and works on any denial by me or others inside. I haven’t been consciously trying to focus on the whole father shit and the abuse shit and all that stuff. And yet sudden emotional pain and stress and freak out will come, seemingly from nowhere, unexpected and just definitely not contrived or created or instigated or nothing…. and this makes the reality of the abuse more real and true and less made up somehow, like somehow we are screwed up and we must be this awful daughter and person to falsely accuse him of such a thing. It’s hard to explain, but it just makes things harder to slip into the direction of denying and invalidating when we really want to do that because it is so much easier than standing strong and saying he abused us, it is real, he is a child rapist, etc. That is really hard to do, especially around family that is invested in denial and people who don’t want to hear or know that sort of thing anyways.

we’ve got to go. we feel so all over the place. we’re a wreck and utterly exhausted. and it’s october of all fucking months.

and there are quite a number of us that wish the father would fucking admit that he abused us. and we know we shouldn’t wish that and want that from him and we wish that it wouldn’t matter, but somehow it matters right now to quite a lot of us. but he didn’t when we confronted him 8 years ago and he’s extremely unlikely to do so now.

julies, Julies, others, and whomever around