How can you
hate me with all your glory
and love me with all your fright
and still hurt me with such demise
as to love me in others eyes.
How can you
find me in her
and take me as her
while hating me when you see her
because I am not her.
How can you
touch me as her
fuck me just because
you are there
and I’m here for you
because that’s what I do.
A child.
How can you
say you believe
the multiplicity but deny
your abuse, for it was love
in your eyes
and an accident if we
ever spoke of it to you.
How can you laugh
at our pain and
our memories of abuse
with your threats
and special ways
to let us know
you will do it.
How can you
never say
you abused me
you hurt me
you did it
and still live with yourself.
How can you
be my father
when I don’t want one
don’t know what one is
and yet want one
because that is what people do.
How can you…
we have these spiritual battle dreams a lot. we used to have them much more often and much more scarier and different. i guess we’re getting stronger or just used to them more and more. i think some of it is that we’re less afraid than we used to be and feel more powerful that the evil can’t get us like before. but some inside are saying it all depends on who is outfront and close by as to how fearful it can be. but i was thinking that maybe something has changed still over the years. like somehow some inside trust more that others inside that are big or something will keep them safe. it’s hard to say that some inside trust more that god will keep them safe, but i don’t know, maybe.
i feel different. i feel like julie and yet i don’t feel like her at all. and i don’t quite feel like i’m one of the julies. it’s strange. i guess really i’m just from a different group and really close to julie. like really close. i feel stupid and dumb that i can’t figure out who i am and what group i’m with and it makes me feel like we’re really a fake multiple and bad and stupid even though i know we’re not fake. i mean i know we’re multiple. we just have times where stuff like this is blocked when we come outside or close to the outside. i think sometimes this happens more often with multiples who have lots and lots of insiders, but maybe it happens to those who don’t have as many insiders too. i don’t know for sure. i can’t remember what other multiples with smaller systems have said they experienced. i just know that other large systems have said they experience the same thing sometimes. whatever. i got off track big time. oh well.
that right there tells me i’m definitely not julie cuz she writes and talks a bit differently, especially when she’s journaling. okay, someone inside is yelling at me to shut up and now they are saying shut the fuck up. so i better.
so we had this huge and i mean huge spiritual battle dream. there were tons and tons of people, more dark than light it seemed. and of course the dark people tricked us a lot into looking like the light people we knew sometimes and instead of being on our side and us trusting them, it would turn out that they were trying to kill us and suffocate us with the dark and overpower us and for us to know that they are everywhere and very powerful and we couldn’t get away or do anything to stop them or trust or turn to the light. that the light with jesus and god up in heaven can’t help us. that they are less powerful and weak. that the dark is everywhere and always powerful. that the only light there is, is the light that is dark. the dark light is everywhere and more powerful than the other light cuz it can trick us and make us think it is the real light and if they can do that, then of course they are more powerful and better than the other light because the other light can never trick us into thinking it is the dark cuz they wouldn’t ever want to cuz it is only about light. but if it was really all powerful it could be light and dark. and that is how the dark light is more powerful and better.
i don’t know where that came from but it came out without thinking really. somebody must have been writing with me and stuff. it’s kind of scary to think about or read that. so i won’t. well, not for awhile at least. i think the hands are shaking and starting to feel that scared and trembly feeling inside the body and in the fingers cuz we know we’re going to send this and people might read it. oh boy. oh well. we can do this. our voice is getting louder these days. it’s different than the kind of “oh well. we dare you to come get us (cause secretly we want you to so you will kill us for us) kind of louder voice. ” it’s the kind of louder voice of we’re stronger than you and we have people on our side and you can’t get us and if you do, you’re in big, big trouble. well, some inside are informing me that is not the case for other kids inside and they don’t believe that. i guess what matters is that some of us inside are starting to believe this and feel this and also take action by writing and sending and telling. so even if all of us are not there yet, a few of us at least are. that’s good. i think at least. no, i know that is good.
Continue reading ‘dream with huge spiritual battle’
We’re still here, albeit a bit scattered brained and just surviving in general. We signed our lease and got our keys on February 14th and some furniture has been moved. We still have packing and a lot of little stuff to move. We have just over a week to do all of this, along with cleaning both places. Our new place just isn’t clean in the way we want it to be to start out living in it, although we may just have to deal with it until March. We’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, and to top it off, we’ve been fighting a cold since Monday night. The symptoms are there, but we’re in a battle zone with it at the moment. It sucks and is wearing us down further.
We’re realizing we are doing what we usually do… focusing on one main thing and everything else and people in our life are pretty much put on hold. It’s hard to put words to it as we’ve seen this before (many times), but haven’t grasped ahold of fully understanding it or something. Just basically it feels like we can’t handle or manage more than one big thing stressing us out or needing our attention or something. It sounds stupid coming from a multiple. And it isn’t exactly how that is inside… because there are those inside thinking and having their attention on other things and wanting time out or something, but it doesn’t happen, or something that I can’t quite figure out into words just yet. Still trying to really put the pieces of it all together, because it feels like I’m missing so many pieces of information and understanding, and it also feels very important that we get a handle on this, because it does greatly impact our ability to function in life and maintain relationships and other life responsibilities and needs, etc. It also tends to send us into the spiraling feelings and experience of being overwhelmed and losing coping abilities or managing life in general.
So I’m talking as though “I get it” but I don’t “get it” at all. That sums up the problem I think; a typical one too. Good at talking as if, but dumb at walking as if or even knowing how to walk as if or knowing what walking really is in regards to it.
So yah, Julie is here, but not entirely. Feels like another Julie is here and then it feels like there is no Julie here. Someone else entirely. Hell if we can figure it out at the moment.