More and more we find ourselves thinking about things and getting closer to some system wide understanding or agreements (mostly anyway), and we find ourselves facing the unstoppable and encroaching Function Keys. And we scatter and return to our posts, to our familiar ways of coping and living, gaining whatever momentum and energy to try another round of getting past The Function Keys.

I’m also understanding more and more why last year (perhaps further back than that, but definitely last year…months ago), that there was system comments and strong definitive stances made by many inside stating that we could not undergo the process necessary to deprogram, dismantle, make lasting system changes, etc. without being in a safe hospital that understood multiplicity and allowed for us to do the necessary work with support and somewhere the system would stay safe as we unraveled everything and changed things. It wasn’t stated exactly like this, but the gist was understood, and the need for the hospital in order to keep the system safe from self-destruction and SI, and to make the process even worth attempting without major damage (hopefully), to go to a specialized dissociative disorder unit somewhere so we could deal with it.

I don’t know what we’re going to do. It’s like a large number of system functioning, daily functioning, etc. reside under the control of The Function Keys and whenever we even begin to think about, or make any step, no matter how tiny, it sets things in motion and the repercussions follow. Every time we go to tackle an issue, ultimately it circles back to the bottom line of their (Function Keys) interference. I could be wrong about all of this, but this is what it seems like to me. I hope I’m not just pointing a finger elsewhere and blaming them. There have been numerous occasions over the years where we’ve encountered system interference and things blocking our success, healing, or changes, etc. And so very often it has been something indescribable happening inside, a powerful force controlling things, and something very unnamed and barely seen. Occasionally, we knew who it was, if it was Blocker or Eraser, and at times we sensed it was someone or something like them, but no words or name to identify it with. Sometimes we had inklings of whom/what it was, but we are truly really just beginning to become aware of it in ways that we’ve never been aware of it before. We’re just now really beginning to discuss it any length, inside and outside, and to consider making any significant attempt to deal with them.

And all of this feels so extremely dangerous to us. The ironic thing is not only does this feel literally life and death to us, but also symbolically… if we want to have a life, we have to put their power and control and programmed ways to death.

Life – if we want to stay alive, we are not to change anything and they remain in control, etc.

Life – if we want a “life” of healing and having a “life” other than what we have now, we have to deal with them in different ways and overcome them

Death – we will physically die if we change things, remove their power, etc., and heal

Death – if things continue as they are now, we are destined to a dead life… walking dead on this earth….. dead, but breathing….

I don’t think I’m capturing what I’m sensing and understanding.

It just brings up so much inside and creates a headache and spin of so much. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this, we’re scared, and …..

can’t talk no more.

Julies and ?

OUR RULES, NOT THEIRS

Do you got that? Huh? Do you get it? FINALLY? Yah Right. I don’t fucking believe you.  Stop fucking waiting around until they are finally written down and plastered somewhere for all to see around here.  Until it is finally all agreed upon.  Screw that.  Get a grip.  Get a clue.  Get a life.  I hate you.  I hate the way things are going.

Things have got to stop.  Things have got to change.  What a waste.  A total waste of pathetic life.  Where’s the movement?  I mean the movement FORWARD. 

So who’s going to work together?  Who REALLY agrees? Not some lip service with an ass wipe to it. 

I don’t fucking want to hear it.  Here it goes.  The whole dying thing.  I want to die. Wah wah wah. Cry all you want.  I’m so sick of it.  I’m so sick of having to spend all my energy trying not to get sucked up in your whirlpool chaos and crap and crying and dying shit.  Just stop it already for once.

And don’t fucking tell me to shut up either.  I hear you all the time.  Nobody listens to me.

I mean it.  And stop attacking me.  Leave me alone dammit.  I fucking hate you Keeper.  Your little cronies and gang sure to take me and my friends off and away from the front and from others.  I’m tired of being locked away and fucking fighting my ass off.  

I mean how dare things change for the positive.  I mean we couldn’t have that, now can we?  Oh wait, that’s right, it’s against their rules unless we’re with them and like them.  It’s that or be fucking crazy and stupid or dead.

G-d.  Do you have to do that? Do you have to start making me feel physically ill? Head slightly dizzy inside, nauseous, heart trembling, and these other weird physical sensations suddenly.  Dammit.  And now add the chills, the goosebumps from nowhere.  I fucking hate this. 

Just break it.  Break that bond. Break that chain.  Break that fucking programming.  Fucking please. 

This is fucking insane.  This isn’t what I thought would be happening.  We have the time to heal.  We have the time to get a life.  We have the time to figure out shit.  To get things done the way everyone in here wants them. So fucking do it.  Don’t waste it. I’m sick of this.

It’s about everyone getting a chance to have time to work on what is important to them.  A little bit every day or every week will go a shit long way in going forward and fucking functioning instead of fucking fighting and so much energy trying to survive and words that just aren’t there to explain how things are and the way they work.  

And if these ideas don’t work, I don’t fucking know what to do.

Oh what’s that?  You’re peeking around checking me out?  Don’t know who I am? Ha.  Like I’d tell you.  Didn’t know I existed? Of course fucking not.  Why do you think we have The Keys.  The Functions.  They do know their jobs well.  

So yah,whatever, don’t start your whole denying me and denying my existance crap.  It’s so predictable.  You never knew about me before and can’t believe that someone like me exists and GASP is writing here and talking and being.  OMFG, it can’t be true. “I can’t be real.”  That’s just so lame.  What?  You believe in some of the others, but not me?  I mean someone like me just couldn’t appear suddenly, now could they?  We can’t have someone so fucking different and saying shit ya don’t want to hear or deal with and is real.

Or better yet– the bigger deal.  Someone who fucking wants a life for reals.  Someone who wants more than what exists now in this life.  

Ahh damn, I’m outta here.  I’m fading fast.  So much for that awareness and talking.  Whatever.  I’m here and I’m going to keep fighting them.  And I’m not alone.  We grow stronger as time goes on.  

And the battle continues…

trying to breathe. remember to breathe. one day at a time. one moment at a time. it’s still too much. i don’t mean to be here but i needed to be heard. i heard some of the Julies and one was trying to convince herself she isn’t multiple and another was saying she’s fine and everything and we should just stop therapy and just stop looking at all this stuff. maybe it wasn’t someone/s from the Julies group. i don’t know. i think i’m supposed to know but i don’t. i just heard them from far away. they are big like the Julies are or they sound bigger and stronger and more okay than me or most in here. i mean they sound normal. and they really like to believe that they’re normal and there was someone around them that didn’t feel normal but she didn’t feel like she was a normal multiple either. like she just didn’t belong anywhere. and the ones who think they’re normal and they’re all big, they were talking as if or acting as if or something cuz i could tell and they were saying how they don’t lose time and stuff. but they’re wrong cuz i know. they just don’t realize they do. they don’t know that some kids came out tonight cuz of a thunderstorm and lightening and it was really, really loud and scary and then someone inside who likes to hear the thunder and see the lightening came out too and then later tonight some other kids came out cuz we saw something scary on the t.v. it was about scary animals and we saw a spider bite a little baby and then a big snake in the toilet. we were watching another show, just we would turn to that when the commercials were on instead of getting up and doing something. and they don’t get it that the kids were there. that we got our emmie bear and we were rubbing our fingers on her dress instead of fingers together and stuff. they don’t think they lost time but they did and just don’t remember it or something.

so they just like to think they’re normal and that normal multiple stuff (whatever that is) doesn’t happen to them and stuff like that but they just don’t know and don’t remember. but it does and i hope they read this too.

sometimes they make me mad. i know they have to know somehow about all this therapy and multiple stuff and it’s like they really like to forget about all the pain the rest of us have and all the stuff that’s so hard for us and things. they just like to pretend it doesn’t exist or they can get over it or something and that they are somehow better than us or something and that makes me mad. maybe they don’t think that or something but sometimes that’s what it feels like. it’s like they forget to feel and have compassion and empathy and stuff. probably cuz they just don’t feel things really. i mean not like a bunch of us others do.

and it’s also stupid cuz i really think they must know how much stuff they don’t remember and don’t know about and stuff when asked or when they got to know and remember and can’t remember. i guess they know how to be in denial or how to convince themselves really good something else or whatever.

we have to stop now.

melie and melee, and some others (around)

It’s been determined with reasonable conclusion that the event with Michelle at the body’s age of 5 1/2 created a system-wide change that stands to this day.  It explains how we default to the group name, Julies, as enough revelation of the hidden inner workings that secrete themselves all in the name of Julie.

There are a number of us that push against the group name, Julies, to include us, even though we allow it or perhaps more accurately, it is forced upon us by system structure and insiders with power far surpassing us.  Not all of us within the Julies group have a derivation of the name, Julie, as our name.

In a way we are our own system.  Many of us have felt that way for so many years.  It is us and them.  The Julies and the others in our system which then transgresses into multiple groups and other systems.  A two way mirror of sorts with us Julies on the mirror side that is blind and deaf to the other side, and the other side belonging to the other system members.  Though even that isn’t wholly accurate as not everyone in groups other than ours (Julies) has access to the other side of that mirror.  And there are other mirrors and other special things that exist elsewhere within our system.

I speak of nothing and know of nothing.  The voice says loud and clear.  So perhaps not a mirror, or perhaps this mirror has been seen and verbalized for what it is for once.  Another way someone says it is like is 2 umbrellas.  The Julies being one umbrella that has its own mini groups underneath it and the second umbrella as all the others in the system, with of course its own systems and groups underneath it.

So the disagreements endure as to what it really is, whether the 2-way mirror, the 2 umbrellas, or something else entirely.  And the clear wisdom voice rings so true– that this disagreement was purposefully created to create chaos, disagreements, etc. as a distraction to the ultimate truths.  Someone else speaks and says it could be both.  But everything said elicits another’s response contradicting it.  Typically as the Julies disguising ourselves as Julie, this simply means we do not know, and as such, we will not make a determination or statement to its accuracy.  The resounding sentiment will be, “I don’t know, we don’t know.”  A clear way to keep others away and to steer from the impending seeing eye.

Until another time…

Julies

It’s so hard to find words for what is going on. It feels like things are whirling around me and inside me.

We are missing Wendy quite a bit. Things are fine with Cec and yet something isn’t quite right. I think it is more of an adjustment, a trusting thing, a needing so much more from her and we can’t have it and that is so hard. It’s that Cec doesn’t know our system like Wendy does and the closer we let Cec in, the scarier it becomes and the greater we connect with the loss of Wendy and the intensity of feelings about missing Wendy reappear.

Things just feel so mixed up about a lot of stuff. It also feels chaotic and out of sorts. I just need to be patient while we get things sorted out. I’m exhausted though and yet to a large degree I’m not even part of what’s going on internally. I do feel like we’re on the verge of something big, but then sometimes I will feel like that and its just another one of those things where we’re repeating a pattern that has some growth in it. It just feels bigger than what it probably is and it turns out to repeat itself later on in a different way. But I guess in a way it is like layers of things. I could be fooling myself and completely unaware and in denial, but I like to believe that most things that we repeat, that it isn’t exactly the same because we are gaining knowledge, growth, healing, etc. I like to believe that we figure something else out and gain new skills, etc. each time it happens so that it will be different in the future, even if there is a ‘next time.’

The scarce words have returned, but it is more like a silencing.

Julie

It is very quiet here. And in some ways, there is this emptiness… just basically a sense that nearly everyone inside is gone, asleep, dead, or something. Even I was gone to a large degree for a little while and I still haven’t wholly returned the same. Things are just different.

It’s one of those stupid things where I am, we? are waiting until therapy to delve into these bigger issues and yet, the reality is that it is going to come back down on us to find our own answers. Yet there is this blank nothingness when the attempts for understanding, answers, etc. are poked and prodded for information. At the same time, it seems too frightening and unsettling to even do this on our own. Things seem so shaky and as though we’re walking this very thin line and trying to not fall into some abyss.

I thought it would suddenly change for the better after this birthday was over with. Oh it’s changed, but I’ve yet to determine whether it is really for the better. My first instinct is to say it is worse, simply because this body is still alive and that damn stupid thing of not having “obeyed.” So now of course there is punishment and fallout system-wide for this. Another way to look at it is some have done what they could in their power to follow directions and obey, even if it isn’t quite the same thing they were really supposed to do.

If anything, all of this is only getting me more in touch with my anger at my life being dictated by the abusers and the past lies encroaching on the present and my/our ability to move forward, grow, etc. I’m so sick of it. Perhaps I’m beginning to feel angry about it, really angry about it for the first time really for myself. I’m not really feeling angry, as it is still intellectual, but there is a growing sense of a feeling somewhere that seems to be fueling this desire to scream and fight, “NO MORE.” Well, at least intellectually. Before I was just so very, very disconnected from all of it, and I suppose there was a greater sense of helplessness. That helplessness is still there, but there’s a spark of fight and anger that is there now that is different. I can’t help but wonder if the connection of the anger has to do with my growing belief that the ritual abuse is real and true for me/us. It’s almost as though that part of the battle of believing it and not believing it–that it has also been part of the battle of the past and present and its affects and effects on my life now. It’s sort of one of those duhhh and ahh-haa moments that I’ve known time and time again on an intellectual level, except this time I’m really seeing it from a bigger picture and detailed look as well– that believing and accepting what happened to me and us is so crucial to healing and being free to live my life without the past dictating it. Of course as I write this, I want to cower in some corner, hide, be invisible, and at the same time scream that it isn’t true and it didn’t happen to me/us, and it only happens to other people. And the ever critical voice reminding me that everyone knows it isn’t true and didn’t happen to me so how dare I even say or act as if it is true. Then the Nothing Happened It’s Not True Girl (NHINT Girl) appears with her repetitive words, over and over. In a way this time, I can see how it is soothing to her in some kind of strange way. As if it is calming her anxiety and growing sense of dread for anything to have been told or to have been said, implied, acted as if such a thing were true, could happen, etc. to us. The No Talk Rules ever so ingrained. Yet as I write and analyze this, it just grows stronger in its need for me to shut up, for it to be screamed how it isn’t true, for this to be erased and deleted. It’s such a vicious cycle.

So my mind is blank now.

Julie