I feel like a fucking idiot and that I’m whining and making a big deal out of nothing.  Who the fuck cares that the father is showing up and visiting.  He won’t be at our house.  He won’t be at Sean’s.  So what is our problem?  I know he won’t hurt me physically.  What I really mean, but not saying explicitly, is that I know he won’t hurt us sexually.  I don’t know if others inside understand that.  I sort of feel and kind of think that they should know that, but then I also sort of feel and know that there are those that don’t understand that.  But there’s that part of me that is so frustrated by the whole fucking thing.  Like the whole, “GET A GRIP.”  I guess it is about just forgetting, pretending, ignoring, and distancing.  Dissociating.  Like that’s what this part is about.  Pushing, promoting, forcing the dissociation.  That sounds harsh and it probably isn’t the best way to describe it, but in a way, it is kind of like that.

I hear some inside screaming at me to shut up and are angry with what I’ve written thus far and are telling me how I have it all wrong and to shut the fuck up.  I’m fighting to stay here.  To keep going forward with writing…. something, anything, but to stop staying silent.

The father’s visit seems to be bringing up a lot of inner turmoil and the whole constant therapy issues are just playing out big time inside.  Someone inside while I was writing that was commenting very sarcastically, “You Think?” Most of it is about whether it is true that he abused me/us.  The constant battle inside between he hurt us and what if you’re/we’re wrong and it can’t be true and on and on it goes.  There’s so much more, but it is farther away now and I don’t want to venture there.  I’d rather just let it be forgotten until the next time I have to be sucked into it or delve into it.

I feel stupid and bad to struggle to believe the others inside that he abused them.  I know I should believe them.  And I know their pain is real.  I do believe that.  I just have such a hard time sometimes believing the father did all these things to “me.”  And oddly I can go back and forth on this issue and feel or say strongly he did in one moment and then say the complete opposite in another moment.  It seems to depend on who is nearby or something and is influencing my beliefs.  So often I feel like I don’t have an opinion and I don’t know anything.  That I’m just this vessel with very little or no beliefs and opinions and I just sway to and fro depending upon who inside is near at any given moment or whatever outside conditions lead me into believing for one reason or another.  I can hear numerous sides to a situation and be swayed in any direction.  Except for certain things and really I think it is those things that go deep to the soul or core or at least cover a vast majority inside.  Then those are times where there is a definite firm belief or feeling or whatever that comes from within and exudes outward.  I feel my strongest and most powerful in those moments.  Not powerful in a bad sense… just so unbelievably strong and capable and empowered.  Ahh, yes, that word is more accurate.  I’ve come to learn how amazing our system can be and how awesome it is when our system unites on something and works together towards something.  They are very rare moments in time and brief, but wow, to have experienced it and to realize that’s what is causing that experience, well that was incredible to me.  I can’t really and truly remember the feelings and the experience, but I do recall the knowledge and know the gist of it, and aspire to have that unity somehow.  When I contrast that experience to how we live daily, I then realize that we really and truly are not united and not working together really other than survival.  I’m also unsure what sparks that massive unity or how to get that kind of united level and working together thing.  When I try to think about it, I can only figure out that it correlates to having been pushed beyond our maximum limit and survival and sanity and something I can’t describe becomes paramount to us and so we unite on a cause.  Uggh, I feel stupid as I write this, as though I sound like I know what I’m talking about when I really don’t feel that way or believe I do.  It’s sort of like I kind of know something, at least a little bit about it, but I can’t remember it really and I don’t really know it like I know other things and so I start talking and writing out of my ass thinking it might be somewhat accurate, but I worry and fear it might not be.  To not be wholly accurate on something and in describing, explaining, whatever about something is like this horrid thing to us.  Accuracy, truth, thoroughness, completeness, detailed, analyzed, etc., is so so so important to us.  And without it or if we fail something along the lines, i.e., miss any tiny thing, then the anxiety and belief of failure and badness is so very strong.

We’ve gotten way off track.  We’ve been talking about writing something here about the father, but we haven’t done that here.  We were thinking of writing something that outlined the things we know for sure he did, beyond any doubt or denial, and then write an outline list of the things others inside have said and the flashbacks we’ve/I’ve had and sort of list them all and maybe somehow it will help the reality sink in or something.  It seems like it might help, but I don’t know.  I guess it is a starting point.

Oh G-d, I wish I wasn’t such a fucking baby about my father coming.  He can’t hurt me.  He’s a wimp and an idiot.  He’s just my father.  So why the hell for all the fear and anxiety? I wish I could turn it off.  I mean I could, but wow, they aren’t letting me totally turn it off.  And it is only right that I know what’s going on inside and know how others inside are feeling, etc.

I just keep hearing how I’m making a big deal over nothing.  That I’m a baby.  That I’m being melodramatic.  How I just need to stop thinking and talking about it because it’s no big deal and I’m a baby and to just get over it.  It’s done.  It’s over.  There’s nothing to talk about.  It’s no big deal.  Don’t be melodramatic.  Stop exaggerating your feelings.  Don’t worry people.  Don’t bother people.  Don’t hurt people.  Don’t tell.  Don’t let anyone know.  Don’t feel.  It’s no big deal.  Nothing happened.  It’s not true.

Julie/s