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we are having a really hard time. we are struggling to deal with day to day stuff and do therapy and juggle whatever else we’re supposed to do and just in survival mode in some ways and in other ways because we have Sean as support we are getting by okay enough but oh g-d inside it is awful. we have been incredibly emotional lately, very teary, very switchy and rolodexy and just feel like a real big mess lately. therapy has been hard and trying for us, though very supported by our therapist.

we have some big family stuff going on that we figured out is ultimately “our fault” because we have been changing family dynamics or family stuff and so of course the family is going to react. i can’t remember all the psych terminology and symbolism we’ve heard many times in classes and by people educating us about basics but i know what it is, even though we lack the words and explanation for it. we are scared of what seems like a big blow up about to happen in our family. the reality is that more secrets are on the verge of being revealed and that scares us because our whole life has been about keeping them around our family and now they want to know and they think they really want to know but that is fucking dangerous and frightening to us especially since they really aren’t supportive. so we’ll tell some and let Sean explain some stuff that we just can’t do as well or as strongly and keep the rest because we aren’t fucking crazy and suicidal and know that some secrets are massively supposed to be kept. i.e. the other people, the cult, the ritual abuse whatever the fuck it is that happened to us shit. that won’t be told. at all. they really don’t believe the neighbor boy, let alone my father shit, and so i ain’t even going down that other road. that road is the most terrifying of all to tell.

in the meantime some wizard of oz programming stuff has come out in different ways in the last 2 weeks. just tonight and then again sometime in the last week and a half, and both very unexpectedly. we heard for some time there was wizard of oz stuff and know where it is on the system grid internally but have no other info about it. but now we just got some more nasty stuff said by someone(s) inside in our handwritten journal and i think some programming stuff that i just had no idea about and for once i think i believe it instead of automatically condemning it and analyzing the hell out of it so i can convince myself my other brain is tricking me and i’m the crazy one and especially if i believe the tricks my brain is playing on me to get me to believe it is real and from my subconscious when it isn’t but just my crazy self with my crazy brain that is just trying to convince me to believe something that isn’t real and isn’t true. oh how that doesn’t sound so much along the lines of “nothing happened. it’s not true.” “it’s not real and so it isn’t true.” if you believe any of it, you’re just crazy. you’re crazy because you have a crazy brain that likes to trick you into believing it is real and true but it isn’t–that’s just your brain playing tricks on you.

i don’t want to believe any of this is real. but really, wizard of oz shit was the furthest from my mind tonight. and the writing in the journal began with how much they hate Julie and how much she needs to die. and then it went on about something else and then they said something that triggered the wizard of oz programming stuff suddenly and then it just spilled out. sort of like last time. it just spilled out this last week about some other thing very different (or so it seems) about the wizard of oz stuff.

and we are really divided as to whether to password protect this or not. it’s scary to say these things. to tell them. to put them out there. it feels like we’re saying so much and telling far too much and yet we haven’t even told any details. we haven’t said what is in those journals and what we’ve come across. we haven’t explained how innocent things have suddenly lead us without awareness to the wizard of oz stuff and connections.

i feel emotional and scared and someone is reminding me about our need to throw up earlier when we read what the others wrote in the journal but that is gone now with an intellectual knowledge about it, as though it still is nearby but disconnected.

we just need to go. that’s all i know.

us, julies, ??

we’ve been up for hours now.  we fell asleep early, like maybe 9:30pm or something and slept until 11pm or 12am.  I’m not sure, but basically, that’s it.  We haven’t been able to sleep since.  It fucking sucks.  We know we need the sleep and the rest, but we can’t seem to make it happen.  I wish we had some good sleep meds to knock us out because that would be so much easier and nicer than trying to work hard to figure some way to do it on our own.  It’s also so frustrating… it seems like most of the time when we are ultra exhausted and fall asleep early we end up punished because we awake in the middle of the night and can’t sleep for hours.  And of course we aren’t interested or don’t have the energy to do anything to get stuff done and make use of the time and writing is a chore on its own.

I wish we could get back to writing again.  I suppose it is good that I’ve been hearing some very young ones talking about the father and things, except they call him daddy.  They were passing it on to us and wanting to write it in the journal for some reason.  I don’t know what the hell to do with it.  I know the intellectual answer is to talk to them and treat them as if they were outside children and what I’d do to try and help, but emotionally, I just flounder when dealing with them.  I’m this emotionally neglectful person to the inside kids and sort of figure that hey, I heard them and they know I acknowledged them, and shit, that’s pretty much better than my mother did most times or the father.  I’m acutely aware that the emotional neglect part partially stems from the parenting I received growing up.  The odd part (and yet not so odd) is that this doesn’t translate to children externally but only to those inside.  Like inside I will feel for them, but I don’t do anything or enough for them internally that exudes from me externally within our internal realm.  It just stays internally within me in our internal world and of course this does manifest in various ways, much still unknown to me, externally in this life we live.

Whatever.  Just feel like I’m making up shit and don’t know what I’m talking about and feel very switchy as a matter of fact.

I feel so bad and ashamed that I lack so many things to nurture the kids inside or talk with them about things.  And this issue they are talking about… I don’t know what to say or do anyway.  I’m stuck in the middle about a lot of it and just go back and forth on it as those inside battle it out.  We haven’t spoken to the father since my brother’s wedding and even then during that time, we basically said hello and avoided him as much as possible and didn’t spend any time talking with him or anything.  Just enough to be polite.  Bryan didn’t even approach us about what to get dad for xmas and gifts and sending it out and stuff.  Even Bryan knows things are different and changed.  All these changes are so hard for the kids inside and our system.  Right now the young ones worried about him being sad and hurting him and not making him happy are the loudest along with the denier ones that he ever hurt us…it’s so strong right now it makes me question whether he did or not.

Sometime this past week we considered writing him a letter to see if this time if he would admit to what he did.  Even though some inside say ‘give him another chance’ to take responsibility and maybe apologize, others were pondering whether we really have that ‘control’ on our side by ‘giving him another chance,’ and that actually we are giving the control to him because basically his actions might strongly determine what we do as a system and possibly sway the battle inside one way or the other.  I don’t know… it may just be more fuel for the fire and the endless internal battle will continue until somehow or another we figure out someway to work it out or get past it or something.

It’s hard and scary changing things with the father, especially pretty much cutting him out of our life.  We did that to some degree previously, but we’ve taken it a step further and it’s just hard and scary and sad.  And the crazy damn part is that I don’t feel or think I’m really that close to him in the first place.  I can’t imagine being upset if he died today.  I don’t feel or think I miss him.  I don’t think or feel that I want a father or whatever it is that we sometimes hear survivors want from the abusive parent.  It’s like we were already disconnected or unattached or something has been missing all along or for many years now, so why should these changes be so difficult???  I feel like a baby that this stuff keeps coming up from within and we can’t seem to let it go or just not have it bother us.  I mean we can have it “not bother us” by pushing it back down and deeper within, but that’s not the healthiest of ways, at least I don’t think so.

on a different note cuz this is what i wanted to say in the first place is that i wish we would just start journaling more freely like we used to (particularly years ago and archives we need to import someday) or in ways that we’ve done in the past in our handwritten journals.  when we read friends journals we are inspired to journal and to write freely and to process things out as we write them and to write for us and to work out issues and things and process process process stuff out and communicate to one another using our journal and stuff and we miss that.  i guess we need to do some more thinking and focusing on this and figure out a way to begin making that happen again.  daily journaling is going to have to become a must because it is so much harder to return to writing than it is when we’re doing it regularly.

we’re getting tired so maybe we can fall asleep soon… just maybe…

julies, Julies, and then julies