Mostly we just find it interesting and wanted to document how we’ve noticed how something benign and minor in a lot of ways can affect us so quickly and exhaust us to the point that we can’t seem to push past it without laying down in bed and taking a nap…with the hope it will have subsided by the time we wake up.

It’s not just this example… there are so many.  It’s like one thing can so easily throw us off course in the day or night and we’ve suddenly gone from managing, coping, or surviving, or perhaps even doing okay or well to this drastic non-functioning mode.  We’re still trying to pay more attention to it and document it because we’re really trying to understand this pattern and dynamic and how to get a handle on it instead of it handling us.

This also seems to be connected or tied in somehow to the whole ‘only able to really focus on one major thing at a time’ sort of thing.  And yet that sounds so crazy, being multiple and all.  It’s hard to explain and put into words because we’re trying to recognize it and understand this dynamic as well.  One example we can think of is how when we’re at Sean’s house, it’s like that’s ‘our world,’ and even though we know in the background there is this and that we need to do or take care of and is on our agenda, there’s still like a big concentration on being with him/them and living at his place and whatever is going on around us there. We also tend to ‘disappear’ from staying in contact with our other friends or journaling.  We’re working on changing that though.

This weekend our big focus has been our kitchen cabinets.  It’s taken us days and hours, but there have been tons and tons of breaks.  On one hand our only focus has been the cabinets… in that we can’t really cope with much of anything else and we are struggling to get it done and can’t cope with taking on anything else, even though there are tons of other things we need to be doing and there are friends locally we could be visiting or helping in some way. But we can only focus or handle the cabinets.  Yet that isn’t entirely true because we’ve had numerous breaks and often they are hours long breaks after a short bit of working on the cabinets.  The breaks have basically involved either the computer or napping or sleeping.  It seems the kids and some of us older ones as well have been taking breaks and visiting our neopet and playing lots of neopets word games and so forth.  Somehow playing word games justifies the time spent playing those games.  And of course we like word games anyway.  Plus just general web surfing or email a bit, but a lot of that has been reading.  It’s just that the whole idea of doing other necessary tasks that are critical and urgent things on our business to do list– we can’t cope with them because we’re dealing with the kitchen cabinets.  And if we did cope with them, the kitchen cabinets would have to go.  Rather than going back and forth between them.  And this whole weekend has really been about those stupid kitchen cabinets, which by the way, we’re nearly done with them.  Seriously.  A few more steps and that is it.  Then comes cleaning everything again before putting them away in the cabinets with organization and order.  Uggh.  The sad and shame thing is that we were feeling so much anxiety and being overwhelmed with it all that we couldn’t handle leaving the house to go visit our nephews or the mother to help her with something she needs help on.  Part of it is that we’re leaving out of town in a little over a week for a week with Sean and so that always stresses us out to go out of town, even if it is a good and pleasant trip kind of thing.  And I think when we have more “order and togetherness” in our life that leaving out of town won’t cause nearly as much anxiety as it does for us “to leave.”  But “to leave” is another huge thing for us too.  We have huge issues around ‘leaving’ anywhere that we are at.  Now I just thought while writing it that perhaps it has to do with the whole dissociation factor of ‘leaving,’ and perhaps that is why we always have anxiety and stress and stuff around it.  I don’t know.  I still haven’t figured out exactly what the deal is with ‘leaving’ people or places.

And really when we re-read all of that and think about it, we wouldn’t have been able to cope with going anywhere at all this weekend until we get these darn cabinets done.  We’re just sticking our feet in this and plowing away until they are done, even though it is taking us days and hours to get any of it done.  Had we just stayed with it from the beginning it would have only totaled out to be a few hours (perhaps longer than that), but really, they would have been done in a day for sure.

We’ve written a lot and need to get back to the cabinets before we lose our energy.  We actually were going to write about something else that is really hard to write about and so we ended up writing all of this… which is important too.

julie/s and Julie/s

i feel different. i feel like julie and yet i don’t feel like her at all. and i don’t quite feel like i’m one of the julies. it’s strange. i guess really i’m just from a different group and really close to julie. like really close. i feel stupid and dumb that i can’t figure out who i am and what group i’m with and it makes me feel like we’re really a fake multiple and bad and stupid even though i know we’re not fake. i mean i know we’re multiple. we just have times where stuff like this is blocked when we come outside or close to the outside. i think sometimes this happens more often with multiples who have lots and lots of insiders, but maybe it happens to those who don’t have as many insiders too. i don’t know for sure. i can’t remember what other multiples with smaller systems have said they experienced. i just know that other large systems have said they experience the same thing sometimes. whatever. i got off track big time. oh well.

that right there tells me i’m definitely not julie cuz she writes and talks a bit differently, especially when she’s journaling. okay, someone inside is yelling at me to shut up and now they are saying shut the fuck up. so i better.

so we had this huge and i mean huge spiritual battle dream. there were tons and tons of people, more dark than light it seemed. and of course the dark people tricked us a lot into looking like the light people we knew sometimes and instead of being on our side and us trusting them, it would turn out that they were trying to kill us and suffocate us with the dark and overpower us and for us to know that they are everywhere and very powerful and we couldn’t get away or do anything to stop them or trust or turn to the light. that the light with jesus and god up in heaven can’t help us. that they are less powerful and weak. that the dark is everywhere and always powerful. that the only light there is, is the light that is dark. the dark light is everywhere and more powerful than the other light cuz it can trick us and make us think it is the real light and if they can do that, then of course they are more powerful and better than the other light because the other light can never trick us into thinking it is the dark cuz they wouldn’t ever want to cuz it is only about light. but if it was really all powerful it could be light and dark. and that is how the dark light is more powerful and better.

i don’t know where that came from but it came out without thinking really. somebody must have been writing with me and stuff. it’s kind of scary to think about or read that. so i won’t. well, not for awhile at least. i think the hands are shaking and starting to feel that scared and trembly feeling inside the body and in the fingers cuz we know we’re going to send this and people might read it. oh boy. oh well. we can do this. our voice is getting louder these days. it’s different than the kind of “oh well. we dare you to come get us (cause secretly we want you to so you will kill us for us) kind of louder voice. ” it’s the kind of louder voice of we’re stronger than you and we have people on our side and you can’t get us and if you do, you’re in big, big trouble. well, some inside are informing me that is not the case for other kids inside and they don’t believe that. i guess what matters is that some of us inside are starting to believe this and feel this and also take action by writing and sending and telling. so even if all of us are not there yet, a few of us at least are. that’s good. i think at least. no, i know that is good.

apparently we are having a hard time writing about this dream. mostly i don’t want to “go there” because it feels like it will drain everything out of me to really begin telling this dream and i need to get stuff done. we way overslept although we didn’t go to bed till like 4 or 5 or something in the morning. i don’t remember really. but still, we should have set our alarm, but we didn’t. i just figured we wouldn’t sleep more than a few hours since we usually wake up a little bit after a few hours anyway. but if we did, we fell back asleep. obviously.

so there were tons and tons of people. it kinda started with being with somebody that was sort of with law enforcement or something and we saw these dead people. they were “important people” meaning they came from money and had professional lives and so of course they were given a lot of time trying to figure out stuff. but it was weird. they were outside, partially dressed, sitting up and it looked like they had died while partying- i.e. while drinking beer cuz some had cups and stuff in their hand and they really looked alive, but well, ha, stiff. it was weird. a bathroom or something was nearby. there was some kind of thing where rape was indicated as possibly how they died or something weird happened afterwards. it’s all fuzzy right here but we were talking to that someone who had connections to the law enforcement and he was taking our ideas or thoughts as to what happened and who or something and listening and wanting to investigate, but investigate secretly from the other officers because he knew the other officers would scoff at these ideas. i have no idea what our ideas were, but anyway, the dream kind of shifts then to like something else. i can’t remember and it is fuzzy. i remember there is a baby that is quite limber and doing things babies can’t really do developmentally and i go to try and get him because i’m afraid for his safety and he is on this motorcycle or something that is indoors and there are other people around and at least one other kid or something. for some reason i can’t get up and i’m sitting and so i try to manipulate my body to reach him and get him before he gets hurt and i manage to get ahold of him but the motorcycle falls on me and i’m holding him and i can’t move and so i have to call for help. after i get him and am holding him he poops something nasty and i think it is kind of diarrhea or something cuz a little bit gets on my knee and apparently i’m wearing shorts so it is on my skin. i try not to gross out and go to the changing area but i don’t know where his diapers are or his diaper bag is. there is a changing area suddenly and sort of a daycare type room area with cubbies. and this kid is huge–he is a big kid… chunky and big and so he needs a big diaper, not just any regular diaper. and there’s about 4 diaper bags to choose from and for whatever reason, i think he is able to kind of communicate to me and so i’m asking him and he sort of tells me one bag, which i think is the one anyway, but i don’t totally trust that and so kind of take a peek at the other bags. so then i try to go change him. but i don’t remember actually changing him. there was some kind of distraction by the other people that were there all along. and then i don’t remember that part of the dream.

i think some other stuff about the investigation into those dead people happened. and then somehow i’m able to see dead people or something and they are following me. and someone else who can see dead people realizes that as well, but i try to act like i don’t know, etc. this part of the dream stuff happened but i can’t remember it really well. this is really hazy, even the part i wrote about.

then i’m in like a jail of some kind. and instead of seeing bars and stuff, i’m like above some kind of ramp or something that leads down to this big open area and in that big open area below me are all these prisoners. and i think of this place as a jail. and this is where it gets really confusing because i don’t remember all the pieces to it. but the gist is that these people are all dark. and the dead people following me are light. and somehow in all of this, a spiritual battle ensues. and of course the dark light is trying to get me and kill me and suck all the light out of me so that i’m dark light too. and we’re fighting it very hard. and there aren’t that many light people on my side to begin with. and they join the fight in general because they are sort of fighting for themselves too. a few try to protect me a bit (i think) as i can’t really remember, but it seems like some fight too not just for themselves but so i can be there, but some of that is cuz they need my help so they have more of a reason to fight for me versus just doing it for no selfless reason. we don’t remember this part all that well. lots and lots of stuff happened. we remember pieces but it is all out of order and sort of like snapshots of this or that, but no real data behind it.

so here’s those snapshots of things:

dogs were part of the fight a little bit or around a few times or maybe that was later in the dream

we were trying really hard to call upon god up in heaven and jesus to use their light to fight the dark and dark light. the dark was overpowering us and exhausting us. they were winning. they had more power and more people. they were killing (but not really killing) just killing in a different way those of us with the light. they were forcing us to their side where we had no more light in us, except dark light. but we were fighting so hard to not let them win.

then sometime much later in the dream and after much fighting and almost losing and after lots and lots of trickery on the dark light side. they were tricking us and making themselves appear as though they were people we knew already on the light side and thought they were safe but actually they were dark and had somehow transformed themselves to the light side and appeared physically like someone we knew that was on the light side. yet on the dark side they looked different physically. i don’t know the word, but they physically changed and made themselves appear as some of the ones on the light side fighting, so then we see them, thinking they are on the light side, but really they are on the dark side. and we find out much too late or almost too late. we feel stupid and bad and dumb and scared to trust for not realizing and not able to tell the difference. for surely we should be able to tell the difference, but we aren’t able to in the dream. we start to learn and get a bit smarter about it, but still, it’s very hard to tell or trust any of those on our light side, because we don’t know which ones might really be the dark side tricking us.

at some point, we realize that the most powerful way to fight is not to call upon our own internal light or internal light of god up in heaven and jesus, but instead to call upon the light of god from above and jesus and use their light and their power against them. i mean in the dream we thought we were doing that all along, but somehow we realized there was a difference and we weren’t fighting with all the power we could have and really in truth, the power that belonged to god up in heaven and jesus to begin with. so then we were using god’s and jesus’s power like that and it was working way better and so we started to spread the word and we started to get lights to come on and have better results. we’re still above and in different areas above this big open area below where the majority of the dark people are, but in different places that we’re at, we encounter dark people too. we are moving from place to place and trying to stay above the huge crowd of dark people, but the dark people have come up and are fighting and they are also trying to get us to be down with them where they can smother us and kill us and surround us. they are trying to trick us to be separated from our light group. they seem focused on us specifically, as though we are the leader and if they kill us and smother us and stop us from fighting, then they have effectively won and the light group we’re with will die too and stop fighting.

there was something very weird that happened that we just got a flash of the electrical kind of flash and weird thing that happened in the dream. we can’t really remember it, but there was definitely energy and electricity thing going on at one point. we mean it was a serious spiritual battle and in the dream it was like we were fighting at one point to not be sucked into this other “state of mind” sort of like maybe deep hypnosis or something, but not that either. and there was this flash of like electricity or something and this feeling of sinking deeper and fighting hard to not do that because we knew only bad would come of that and knowing we had angels or something stronger and more powerful than us helping us to not sink deep into that… but we had to be fighting too ourselves and we were. it’s hard to explain and we hardly remember it anyway so even harder to explain that in the first place.

tired already. the fight worked when we told ourselves and reminded ourselves and others in our light group to use god’s (up in heaven) and jesus’s power of light from above and their resources and not rely on our inner resources of light to fight. it worked way better when we were using their resources. and we were focusing and changing our brain thoughts differently as we fought. especially when they (dark) surrounded us and were trying to kill us and smother us with the dark. we kept focusing and keeping our mind very focused on what we were imagining and not what they were doing to us and not the fears and feelings of what they were doing to us. and even when the dark got the best of us, we remembered the stars in the sky and how they were light and focused on the stars and the stars getting brighter and used the stars’ light to fight when the dark had nearly killed us.

eventually we (me/us and the light group) had nearly all the dark transformed into light and no more dark. but a few times we thought it was done, but had given up too soon with certain people and so learned to do it and fight them long after we thought they were safe and secure in the light. and at one point, we realized we were getting even better and faster and easier results when we started having compassion and love for those in the dark who were clearly in pain or hurting and had bad things happen to them which is why they turned to the dark or thought that was their only choice, etc. and so we started saying aloud compassionate things and our (light) group seemed to be going along with it too. and more and more lights came on in the jail area and the dark people who were now light people, seemed to be freer than before.

and then came the leader of the dark group…after us. it is funny but he appeared at some point as this great big black square with short feet and short arms. at the same time, he was like a black blob that wasn’t entirely defined like that either. i know, very strange. but nice, cause usually we get these ugly demonic type creatures after us and i much prefer a big black square-ish blob. and we fought very hard and used the tools we had discovered– by relying on god’s and jesus’s power of light from above and also by using compassion and love and sadness for this dark creature’s pain. and it worked and interestingly, the black creature thing turned into a baby boy. so then i began holding this baby boy, knowing it still had the dark in him, and kept rocking it and soothing it with love, compassion, and saying things that acknowledged it’s pain and saying how sorry i was that it had been hurt so much. i seemed to know if i could get him to fall asleep, then the dark would be gone or nearly gone and then with some more light pouring in to him, the dark would be totally gone. and we kept focused and when we’d start to lose focus, we could tell as he would start to wake back up more and so we kept holding him, rocking him in our arms, and focusing all the light, compassion, love, sadness for his pain. and he fell asleep.

and i think we woke up after that. or actually i think the dream may have jumped from that to this thing with dogs and a room and other stuff we don’t really remember. i’m not sure. the last thing we really remember is holding this baby boy and looking into his face and soothing him and seeing him fall asleep and knowing we had filled him with light.

okay, that was one weird dream. and yet, we think positive, despite the fight it took. we really hate spiritual battle dreams, but yet it seems like more and more over the years, we’re winning and less fearful and gaining our own power and strength or at least realizing our own and realizing how best to turn to god and jesus for strength and power when we need to do so at the most critical points.

whatever. some inside are getting angry with me for saying all of that. we still have issues with god and jesus. at least some inside do.

so that was our weird dream. and we wrote way more than i thought we were going to be able to do. i guess it is just getting past the initial writing block and then often after we start writing, to get past one more block of someone exhausting us or trying to put us to sleep or give us no energy, and then we end up writing one long ass entry, such as this one.

so that’s it for now. i think this dream was rather telling. we may go back over and highlight in bold or italics sometime later on the key things that are rather “telling” to us.

someone unknown, probably from the others group, julie, julie/s, and whomever else

if i could
i would tell it again
if only to show
you can do it

again

again

the night draws near
hanging with it
the lights of night
crosses under
the land of fright

don’t worry
i won’t tell
a soul
for the soul i bear
is dead once more

don’t take me away
for i’ve gone away
on my own
but you know that,
now that you own
me

oh that flattened me
for you know it is a
we
of a family
oh that we are
inside
and out
but shame the inside
and flood the out
with smiles and masks
for we are all in this
together

we dance left right left
and sing chants for
natas

and the silence
begets silence
for the silence
stops the silent
fingers telling
and never oh never
shall the silence
whisper a sound
but silence
and nothing oh nothing
will be told
past natas

you know me by “if i could”

Big breath.  We need to leave tonight to go to our mom’s house to stay overnight for the next several days as my brother has had Noah for a week vacation.  We visited yesterday to celebrate my brother’s birthday but now we need to go and hang out and visit with Noah.  My brother couldn’t get Tues-Thurs off work so I need to be there to babysit those days– at least my brother can go in very early and get off early from work so he can have more ‘daytime’ to spend with Noah.

I just wish that when things are disorderly in our life, that the anxiety and disorder stuff didn’t follow us so much.  I try to let it be okay to just let it go and let it be and we’ll deal with it when we get back, but it is very hard.  I don’t know– we’re finally rested enough to maybe tackle some of our to do stuff right now that will lower anxiety, but I don’t know how long we’ll be able to keep up with it.  Sean and I took my brother’s dog, Oakley, with us to his place to babysit and acclimate Oakley and Zoey together as well as the other two dogs in the house (Sean’s roommates have 2 dogs).  But that’s getting to be a job in and of itself as sometimes the dogs are cool with one another and sometimes they aren’t.

Anyway, we should go.  We just needed to write something.  Was going to twitter something, but that didn’t seem like enough and we’re just so overwhelmed right now.  yah we can be all okay and seem fine on the outside and yah even those Julies can think they’re fine enough like usual hard stuff and not know all the hard stuff or they can disconnect from it or whatever, but it is hard and we are overwhelmed and i don’t know. it’s too hard to put into words.

we just want things to be a certain way and trying to get there is so hard. trying to be there is so hard.  it is exhausting and overhwhelming and so much anxiety.  we want to be better but there’s so much to do for that to be real and true in a real and true way and not a fake way.  we keep thinking if this or that was better or this or that was like this that we’d be able to cope better with stuff. that we could cope better with leaving the house and being away from the house for a long day or days.  that we wouldn’t have so much anxiety and we’d be dealing with life stuff so much better. but what if that is all just illusion and stupid thinking of if only this or if only that.  what if it won’t be that way whenever we finally get to that spot.  what if we’re lying to ourselves and just think it will or hope it will.  i think we need that hope because if we knew it wasn’t going to be any better if this or that was this or that way, then i think we’d be very hopeless and want to die because we don’t want to live with so many limitations that we have and certainly not all of these limitations that we have now… we don’t want that for the rest of this life we’re leading.  but i guess we worry that it won’t be better in the way we think it will be better someday when we get to xyz space and when xyz is done and then what… then what???

we gots to go. so overwhelmed and tired and hate that we always get like this before going away from the house for an overnight anywhere.  hate that this happens when we’re going to spend time with noah for a long period of time.  we love noah a lot and now there is hunter too and we hate that we feel the overwhelmed feelings and exhaustion and anxiety.  we have a good time with them– we do. and we’re fine around them for the most part, but wish all the stuff getting us ready and getting us there wasn’t so incredibly hard.  the hardness is what makes us so late in getting there and being there from our original plan or goal to be there at such and such time.  it takes so much out of us.  we want that to be different some day.  we need it to be different someday.  it’s just so much.

the anxiety can make it hard to breathe inside.  someone can kindof breathe okay outside but inside it gets all tight and cramped and fluttery and shallow breathing and terrible and so so bad.  and it makes us just want to go hide and stay away from everyone and everything and from doing all the things we’re supposed to do. and that only makes us bad and badder cuz we end up not doing what we said we’d do and we hate that cuz that’s not good and being really late and that’s not good either.

sigh. we’re having a hard time even if we’re okay.  some inside can be okay cuz that is their job and that’s what they do and that’s who they are.  but the rest of us, we’re not okay. we’re just not.  and we can’t seem to have those two connect or for us having the hard time, we can’t seem to make it okay to talk or really tell or really deal with it a whole lot these days.  therapy just doesn’t seem safe enough or something. our system setup just isn’t allowing it.  we’re glad we got a chance now, but lots of times we can’t really talk or tell or deal with it too much.  so much is being shutdown and trapped and not totally sure why, but think there’s a therapy safety net that is missing.  it makes us miss wendy so much.  and i heard that dragon was missing her a lot.  like he wants to be able to talk to her and those surrounding the memory he has and their memory too, they want to do this next part with her.  dragon has never met anyone else but wendy on the outside, at least that i know of.  well, except for when he was created and maybe if they used him for other stuff or something like that. but not anyone else since we started doing the healing journey and therapy thing.  so it is this big deal for him to trust anyone else and just, wendy was so sweet and special and good to him.  she made him feel appreciated and valued for what he did to survive and how he has been there for the system and stuff.  she made a connection with him.  this is more like intellectual-knowledge memory and not so much actual memory, but there are tears suddenly here from somewhere while we write.  so maybe those are dragon’s tears or someone else’s tears from inside.  so i think the words i said are valid and true and meaningful.

we really do got to go.  trying to not fall asleep again but we might and we might be bad that way. i don’t know. uggh.

Julies and julies and maybe some others around

After therapy we went to our car that was parked in a small parking garage with few cars and few people coming in and out.  We laid down across the front seats and dozed/napped for 2 hours.  I had this bizarre dream that included a bunch of our personal papers and other personal stuff that we were trying to keep close to us and with us and we had far too much stuff compared to the other girls we were around and with, and anyway, at some point, we were separated from some of it and it was scattered and strewn about and even in the middle of the street for cars to drive over and for it to fly away.  At some point we were in the middle of the street trying to gather it up and dump it all together as quickly as possible together and then we had to somehow get it up to the house where we were staying, but it was going to be bad to do so, because we weren’t supposed to have all this extra stuff and there wasn’t room for it anyway, but we still had to have it with us, because it was so deeply personal and attached and connected to us.  There were a variety of other scenes in relation to our personal stuff but those scenes and info are really hazy and so I don’t want to try and describe them.  Plus there was some other stuff in the dream, but that’s the biggest piece that I keep remembering about it.

I think we’re getting closer to telling and writing here about Dragon and what happened to him.  It seems more of his memory and what happened to him has spread throughout the system and there is more of an ‘acceptance’ of sorts that it is real and true, although whenever we go to tell someone inside (hmm, meant to say outside, but that’s an interesting Freudian slip), anyway, whenever we go to tell someone outside (like our group or to Cec or thinking of writing it here and telling here), there is an immediate surge of some others inside that are quick to shout (more or less) that it is untrue and it didn’t happen, etc.  And yet, strangely, (though someone inside disagrees and says it isn’t strange and explains to me why it isn’t), that 9-10 years or so later since the initial memory of Dragon, that there is greater belief by many inside that it is true than there was years ago, and even say several years ago.  We also hear those inside strongly asserting that it didn’t happen and it isn’t true, etc., whenever we begin thinking more about it and trying to get ‘closer’ to Dragon and his memory or simply thinking more on it and trying to connect to that past point in time.

If I allow myself to feel and not push hard against it and not run from it… if I inch my way towards it yet carefully trying to not have it suck me in like a vortex ready to suffocate me, I can feel deep sadness for Dragon.  I am sad with what happened to him.  It is still very dissociated from me and I am unable to relate in virtually any way that it happened “to me,” because it flat out didn’t happen to me.  It happened to him and to any others inside who were part of that moment in time before, after, and perhaps during.  His story, his creation, is just so sick and wrong and sad.  Sadness that something like this could happen to such a young boy/dragon.

One of the things that someone inside uses to try and convince those of us who believe his memory is the age and time reference.  I vaguely recall on a knowledge level only that when Dragon’s memory was revealed and we learned that he was a young boy or boy dragon or shape shifter or half boy and half dragon (it’s still kind of unclear), that he was 5 1/2 or 6 years old.  For some reason, I keep thinking he said or someone spoke for him and said he was 5 1/2 years old.  And so someone else inside always discusses how what if Reed and Doug didn’t live there when the body was that old and thus, it couldn’t have happened at that age.  But then someone else inside reminds others and says that the body could have been older but Dragon may have been created as a younger age for some reason, irregardless of the body age.  After all, alters/insiders can be created with ages far beyond the body’s age at the time of their emergence within the system.  I don’t know.  I wish I could ask my mother to see if she recalls or if there was some way I could find out.  There might be a way since their family was in the military like ours and we know the entire family’s first and last names.

And then of course, there’s the whole thing about finding out and learning that Doug and Reed and their family were living there when we moved there or at least moved there shortly after we moved there and thus, it matches up with the body’s age and what I’ve come to understand or hear about from those inside.  And then all the abuse becomes that much more real.  Of course, I’ll be wholly confused and thinking I’m totally fucked up and wrong and screwed up if I discover that they moved there years after we did.  I know the abuse happened, I mean, I really do remember that.  They were definitely living there when I was 7 years old, and pretty sure when I was 6 years old too, because I remember my brother turning 5 years old and he was all excited about spending the night at Reed’s house when he turned 5 and there’s a picture of him the day/night he left for his first sleepover.

So anyway, we think we’re getting up the courage to tell Dragon’s story and his creation and memory.  We apparently have had the courage to say Reed’s name and even Doug’s name aloud to our group and again today with Cec.  Usually we just say the “neighbor boy” and “the neighbor boy’s older brother.”  That’s always felt safest and often, just hearing Reed’s name would cause anxiety and icky feelings to emerge.  Thankfully it is an uncommon name and to some extent, so is Doug’s name.  So amazingly, we are ready to say their names and enough inside are ready to tell and have this secret shared and known and heard.  So perhaps tomorrow or the next we will dip our toes in or jump all the way in.  I’m not sure.

Julie/s (and others or ??? around)

We thought about writing a list of random journal topics to sort of put out there… there certainly is plenty of them, but that seems to be too much at the moment.  So I guess at least we’re saying something even if it is fucking nothing really.

We’re quite overwhelmed and stressed this week due to a number of things.  The body’s birthday is this Sunday the 13th.  This body will be 33 years old.  Our nephew, Noah, will be 10 years old.  It’s hard to believe how many years have passed with him.  He’ll be 11 1/2- 12 years old when we marry and a teenager when we have a child/ren.

I can’t quite tell if there are issues surrounding this birthday year.  We’ve had stupid programs or fears or other things to have come up over the last 3 years, but it’s been quiet in terms of my knowledge and awareness of things regarding all of it.  When I try to inquire within, I just get stonewalled.

There’s another huge programming issue of life and death and changes, healing, etc. that we’ve struggled and battled with for years.  I’ve noticed that it has either gone deep underground or we’ve possibly found a loophole in the programming shit or simply the whole adage of “love conquers all,” which is allowing for healing and the ability to process and work through these things and get past the blockages that we’ve constantly been up against no matter what angle or manner we’ve approached this big and deep issue to living or dying or living but dead instead of living and thriving.  This is vague, but we know exactly what it is about and will someday write more about it with a bit more clarity to it.

Things are still amazing and wonderful with Sean et al.  We can’t begin to describe or explain how compatible we are with one another in so many ways.  Our relationship is just so comfortable and has been from day one.  It’s as though we’ve known one another for years and again, just comfortable–that’s the best keyword to describe it.  It’s unlike any relationship we’ve had before, although we’ve had very few and far between due to our avoidance or unconscious vibes of “stay the fuck away.”  Even still, it is miles ahead of our only other very serious relationship, which was with Chris, our ex-fiance’.  The nice thing is that we’ve had dreams and experienced other things indicating that insiders are letting go of Chris quickly and connecting well with Sean et al.  There have been some inside and well, in the past, a fairly large number of us, who’ve held onto the dream and only positive aspects of our relationship with Chris, versus some of the reality stuff and negative aspects.  This has changed dramatically and it’s been very eye-opening to see some stark differences between the two, especially in the area of true and sincere acceptance and cherishment.  And the largest area being loyalty and trust– we have no question about trusting Sean et al to be honest, faithful, and also trustworthy in private matters (i.e. he won’t go behind my back and speak to my mother about private things we share with him, etc.), and just so many things.  Overall, we could go on and on about Sean et al and how much we love them and how incredible things have been in our 3 1/2 months together thus far.  There is also a lot of awesome news and things to share in regards to our wedding for July 2010, although he still hasn’t asked the big question.  We just finished designing our engagement ring and both wedding bands earlier this month or at the end of last month.  I forget exactly, but irregardless, it’s just been fantastic and full of symbolism and excitement, and the surprise will be when he/they ask me/us to marry him/them.  The biggest thing we’d like to say is that we’ve explored and analyzed and looked at things the best that we can, and we’ve determined that our relationship with Sean et al is much more than merely the “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship.  We’ve looked at that and considered that, and we both agree that there are stark differences that are absent that are usually there in newly formed relationships and instead we have something very similar to what seems like would occur months or years down the line in a relationship, and this just basically happened almost automatically and certainly very quickly and in a short time.  Being with one another is just so comfortable and normal and so… hmmm… wish I could find a word that describes it fully, but I’m still at a loss in the ability to describe exactly what I’m experiencing.

I think the other thing I want to comment on or add is that we’ve been noticing or at least it has been perceived and wondered and pondered about how this odd thing of LOVE and having our OWN FAMILY (even with it being Sean et al right now), but somehow between the power of Love and the power of creating and having our own Family and joining his family which is so very loving, accepting, encouraging, and safe, etc., this just really seems to be greatly affecting things inside in positive and weird ways.  It’s shaping things to be looking so much different right now.  I honestly don’t know what to do with it.  I guess there is a renewed hope for healing and the ability to see that it may actually be possible to really live a life that life on earth was meant to be about… living and having the desire to live and survive and to experience living instead of always just surviving or dying while alive and wishing for death but still breathing or simply the walking dead.

Okay, originally titled this Sluggish Writings but then we ended up writing about all this love and relationship stuff and so just adjusted the title to something dumb really, but too tired to really think of anything remotely creative.

Until Later and Thank You All for the support and patience and kindness that our friends and readers send to us.  We appreciate it.

Julies (and all)

I seem antsy today and anxious, but not entirely sure what it is about.  Last night, L.J. and some of the kids were emotionally upset and very sensitive to just normal communications with Sean’s parents, his roommates, and Sean.  They were just positive that they were terribly bad and had done stuff wrong and kept doing stuff wrong by simply speaking and saying things and voicing opinions and getting excited about stuff.  Anyway, Sean helped them through it, but in the process, L.J. said some of the kids were triggered by the way Sean and us were sitting in our chairs and stuff and the way Sean was sitting.  Really frustrating and dumb stuff because we know Sean et al is/are safe and yet stupid shit has to happen like that.  And L.J. was upset and sorry for saying it, but she said she was saying it cause she heard and felt what the other one/s were thinking and feeling.

Sigh.  So there’s that, but additionally, last night there were some talking in their own language aloud while we were cleaning the shower and alone and they were upset.  This was just before L.J. and some of us spoke with Sean about being upset and feeling bad, etc.  And within the past week, there was some very intense talking aloud to one another while taking a shower and it was all in their own language.  I don’t know what was said in either their language or the English translation.  I could tell though and have the intellectual knowledge memory that they were definitely having intense conversation and feelings because of the vocal inflections and various things like that.  Something that even without understanding another language, those things still come across pretty clear to us.  So clearly those from the otherside are around, except this group that’s been talking in their language… it seems like they are the group we’ve noticed before that speaks the same or similar language as those from the otherside and darker, but this group that’s been speaking recently, they aren’t dark (or as dark) and they have a very different energy feel to them, but yet they speak either the same or very similar language.  And this language they speak is not any foreign language that I’ve ever heard of.  I don’t know if it is some cult language or if it is our own made up language or something.  I’ve sometimes wondered if it was just the brain making up total crap and shit in the moment each time, but I’ve noticed before in the past and have been astonished when certain phrases are repeated from time to time.  It astounds me, even though of course it would be this way, but still, it astounds me that I can’t recall or repeat these phrases that often show up amidst other things said.  And yet, months later when it has been pretty much silent to my knowledge, they’ll come out suddenly and speak emphatically about something and talk aloud and say these phrases among other words they say and I’ll hear them momentarily and realize that hey, I’ve heard that before, but then within seconds afterwards, I’m unable to recall it.  But then, that’s my life and so it really shouldn’t surprise me or be that astonishing and yet it still amazes me.  So then I think that if certain phrases haven’t been voiced for months and months reappear amidst other things being said, that perhaps it isn’t a bunch of bull shit made up in the moment vocal sounds of some bizarre strange ass language.  I truly have a hard time explaining what this language is or sounds like.

In the past we used to try to write down immediately what was heard, even if we could only remember a piece of it here or there, and just write it down phonetically.  So we have a lot of scraps of paper with it along with a compiled list one time of some of the phrases.  We need to be doing that again as it seems like there’s a lot of new stuff that I don’t think is on the list.  I wish someone inside would translate, but nobody in here seems to know or be willing to share or able to share any kind of English translation.

And so I’ve/we’ve sidetracked.  We have therapy today.  Someone inside sarcastically said, “Yay.”  Sigh.  That’s another area where things aren’t going so well.  I know we’ll be talking about it with Cec, but the energy involved in doing so along with the energy involved in having to find a therapist, well, it sucks and is draining.  But we have to find a new therapist as Cec just isn’t working out for us, even though she is a good therapist.

I need to go for now, but we’re going to write more– we really are going to work on getting back to our every other day or few days or sometimes daily writing.

Julie/s