There is so much more to say about her passing, her loss, our grief, and our processing of this news. I guess we aren’t quite ready to delve into it and we are also just utterly exhausted and overwhelmed at the next few days and everything else externally that is screaming at us that needs our attention immediately with energy we just don’t have, and yet we have to find it, as it has reached critical emergency problematic levels.

Most of January we were out of town with Sean visiting his grandmother and other relatives as his grandmother was dying and then she did pass away. She was a great woman that I didn’t have nearly enough time to get to know and whom Sean was pretty close to. I’m just glad that I was able to meet her and spend time with her a little bit in visits since getting to know Sean. I didn’t see her at her best, but there were times when she was more ‘present and coherent’ than at other times we visited, and I feel touched to have known her delightful self.

Leaving the house is a hard thing for us to do, but leaving town is even more challenging. We always need many days or lots of time to recover from being gone. We didn’t have access or convenient access to the Internet while we were away and so that is part of why we haven’t been back to journal until now.

We wish to thank everyone for their responses and we will respond more directly very soon. We’re still just trying to get a handle and grip on life and regaining some ground since coming home.

In many ways we’re still divided about journaling, but it does seem like the shift is more towards journaling and taking the risks that our mother or someone (that we don’t want to know) finds it and just trying to take the ’screw it’ attitude if they do. The purpose of this journal is supposed to be for us and then for anyone else who may find something helpful or useful to them. There is more to say about that. Perhaps instead of trying to process it internally we need to just process it externally in our journal about the process and divided thoughts and feelings about journaling openly here as well as scanning our handwritten journal here. Ha. What a concept. Journaling about our attempts to process something internally in order to sort something out, particularly as it relates to journaling here.

So much going on, but we’ve been wanting to update, and this was our attempt to update. I guess we’ll tackle the journaling processing as well as the processing of our loss of our friend, someone we’ve been wanting to reconnect with over the years.

Julies (and others around too, just not sure who)

then there has always been the awareness that we’re so out there or at least can be and there’s always the chance that our mother could accidentally stumble upon our site or someone else who knows enough about me and my life and put things together. if someone read enough, and they knew my mother or my family, they’d probably put it together, even if we used pseudonyms for the people in our life that we mention by first name in our journal. this is why we finally settled on that debate regarding whether to use pseudonyms or not– we decided it didn’t wholly matter as anyone knowing us and our life, family, friends, etc. could figure out who was who even with pseudonyms and so it didn’t make sense. we know on some level which people in our life absolutely require complete anonymity and hope that others who might take issue with it would let us know.

anyway, so we’re thinking that this fear, worry, anxiety, etc. is behind a large part of the silence and struggle with writing anything in our journal. we used to write daily or almost daily… though some of those journal entries are not posted here because we still have to import them. we’ve done a reasonable amount of journal writing in our handwritten journal throughout these periods of silence, but that hasn’t been scanned here.

we want to be the ones with the courage, the braveness, the openness, rawness, etc. that we see other friends and bloggers do. we admire that so much. we want to not care or to feel free to reveal, to tell how it is, to help others in some way hopefully, to share with those who know us (and we know they’ve been to our site or been given the info) so that they can know how we’re doing if they want to know. we want a strong living record of our life, our healing journey, our thoughts, feelings, etc., because so much of it is forgotten and lost somewhere and so much more is captured with words… and words we can return back to for reference, patterns, growth, healing, etc.

instead the silence lives and we argue and are divided inside about so many different thoughts, ideas, feelings, philosophies, dynamics, etc. regarding whether to journal or not journal. we’ve debated whether to go to all password posts and whether to just push past all of this and be an open book and whether there is some kind of balance. in the midst of all of this, we end up at this standstill, the standstill and safety of silence. but where does that get us? silence eventually leads to a sense of failure, badness, shame, etc. of its own making because we aren’t writing when there is so so so much going on inside that we need to share, want to share, explore, and take further along that writing and processing brings for us. instead it just sits within, spinning, circling, withering away, with only a small chance of living and not being buried deep within with everything else. our life is about burying things. it is so automatic. even the good things… they get lost or buried and we’re left with only the hope it will be remembered instead of splintered and scattered pieces or nothing of it left.

we know it really boils down to whether we can handle our mother or someone else we know that we prefer to keep this journal private and away from them, from whether we can handle and accept that happening and the potential effects of that. we aren’t worried about the father because we’re pretty sure he is fairly computer illiterate or really doesn’t use a pc much at all. there’s always the worry that if we post links or info about a certain friend that our brother might decide to google her and eventually find our site and then that would be bad as our family would then know.

there’s just so much about this topic and issue and there’s a lot more bottom lines that we know exist besides what we just wrote. we’re not sure how to settle this within as there are loud and competing philosophies and ideas and stuff about this topic and uggh, it sucks.

this has been going on for us for a long time, and we’ve been fighting it within for a long time, and lately it seems, the silence is winning the battle. the ‘do nothing’, ’say nothing,’ etc. because it is safer seems to be the default right now. and there are quite a few of us that want it different or think we want it different or something.

so here’s a start to conquering this and finding a solution for ourselves.

julie/s, julies, Julies

we stand here
waiting for you
to come around
to our side.

you don’t want what we know
yet you seek it
then run and hide
such is your way.

desperately come
desperately go
that is your way
asking then hiding
and locking yourself away
from us

you think it is gone
the pain that was so real
as though we are fine
and it wasn’t real
but it is
if you looked again
and stood with us
for the pain
consumes us
and spreads
like molten lava
and poison in the lands

there is no love
here or there
just lock us away
and we know our bad
will be our good
of silence
evermore
hidden
so as to not knock at your door

when will you knock?
when will you stay?
when will you not run away?

our pain is our own
yet you can’t stand to be close to it
as if it will swallow you up
and sink you in its quicksand
but who cares
just leave us here
like you always do

you lack function
like we do

someday it will be edited in a more readable format to closely resemble how it sounds to us

mirror child
mirror child
where do you look
tonight
don’t see what you think you see
don’t want for nothing more
for it to be unreal

mirror child oh
mirror child
let’s find you here
still
standing shattered
to your core

mirror child oh
mirror child
lest you must know
it all be real

mirror child
oh mirror child
i will find you
more
than you want
to go looking for
watch out where you go
for the lookers will find
you and eat you
and lock you away
forever more

mirror child oh
mirror child
stop now before
you take us away
into a land far away
withering naked
and dying
for the steps you take

mirror child oh
mirror child
come now won’t you play
oh how we know
it isn’t what we say
for you ought to know
what we say is untrue
for you that is
but not for us
for it is real and true

mirror child oh
mirror child
the opposite must be true
for you and us
that is how it works
don’t you see
now

mirror child oh
mirror child
there is no merging
to be done
no forging of ways
of thinking and believing
we are forever bound to be
mirror children
for all to see
and be

it is believed this to be written by the others

This what we remembers and we had it Thursday night um Friday morning day sometime and waked up from it but not write it down but now we writings it down with help from some bigs even though we still trying to talk and use usz words as much as we be allowed.

Scenes we remember. Forget all the stuff befores and after.

Daddy wearing a faded washed lots white t shirt that he wears under his shirts for work. We thinkin he wearing his blue air force pants cuz it not jeans and it just got that certain blue color on them. and he walking towards us with his hands down by his side with the ickies and scariest and yuckiest smile and attitude that he got power and control and he coming at us and he kinda mad at us but kinda amused at us but the kinda amused in the icky way of knowing he in power and control and we gonna try to or we fightings back and he know it not gonna work or nothing. And he walk towards us and we punch him with the strength of an infant a baby, really it barely touched him but we were kinda giving it all we had and kinda not and while doing that we were saying we hate you we hate you over and over and then started telling him he was lots of bad things. the words we remember saying but lots more things was said to him but the words we remember when we waked up is: you are scum of the earth. you are a piece of snot.

and we thinkin maybe we waked up after saying stuffs to him or maybe stuff happen and we not remember and then wake up. oh and we be all sweaty and stuff cuz we had a bad dream and it like a bad dream but not a bad dream cuz it be good things we do in bad dream. we NEVER EVER that we remembers ever tell daddy in usz dream that we hate him and he is a piece of snot and scum of the earth and lots of other bad things to him. and we never ever hit him in usz dream. and it be all new lately that we be dreaming and see him in usz dream cuz usually it juts lots of bad peoples or bad men or bad peoples that we not know or not recognize or not can see good sometimes and it all new the last year or two or maybe three years that we have dream where daddy show up sometimes and we not like it at all.

even ifin it be good the bad people turning into people we know and daddy be in dream and even if it be good we facing him and telling on him in usz dream cuz we had a dream about that before a few or more months ago and even if we be having those good things cuz of what they mean it still be a bad and scary and icky dream and we still got all ptsd and flashbacks of that stupid dream cuz we see him coming at us with those clothes just like he in front of us for reals right now and that smile and face and it all big in us mind and memory and all blowed up so big and scary and we notta like it at all and we hate it and we are bad and scared and bad ands it just scary it all changin and maybe he know we gots this dream and he be mad and sad and mad at usz and we just bad bad bad bad bad bad

the other part of dream or another dream around same time or maybe we go back to sleep and then wake up with this dream but it bother us but not so much flashback like the daddy thing but it still really clear this scene we remember. something happened or was going on that we can’t remember and we can’t find sean or zoi and we needs them and we looking for them and then we finally find them. we see zoi first and we so sad cuz at least 3 of her paws and bottom part of her legs are wrapped up like they be hurt and she not can stand or walk even though she was sitting up when we find her and we hug her and as we hug her we see behind her that sean is there but our memory of that part of dream is blurry and hazy and we woke up after that.

we just remembers that there another dream or scene we had too cuz we sleep and wake up and sleep lotta lots today friday during day and now it late friday night um saturday morning and so it confusing when we had what dream and what order but we think it lotta like this order we write. so we be in california on the afb we lived at and we going back there to visit as a grown up but still feeling little like a kid and the houses be all torn down and we remember that is what we found the last time we went back there. so the houses were like that and we were trying to remember or figure out what street was “our street” that we lived on b/c they had not only changed the street names when they destroyed the old houses and rebuilt entirely, but they also changed the layout of the neighborhood and so we were trying to figure out the approximation of where our old house stood and as we are doing that lots of kids of varying ages and military police began surrounding us but they were at a distance, like behind the walls of the backyards and just in general surrounding from various areas of the homes, streets, sidewalks, etc, but at a distance. more and more military police began coming closer to us in a surrounding formation and we were aware and yet trying to act innocent and stuff. i think we were sort of on a small kid bicycle or maybe a scooter or something, not necessarily just walking. and one of the mp’s got our attention and we stopped and we started to explain we used to live there and we were visiting and as we were looking past him and behind the walls of the backyards of the homes, we were trying to explain and tell him, see, this is the road to the main gate and this is the road to blah blah but in the process of looking and about to explain to him that we knew the area, things about it looked even stranger. we started to explain how it didn’t look right, the road didn’t look right and even the area behind the tall walls that were between the backyards and the road to the main gate that the grass was strange and that it was big and juicy and not grass but something else. in doing research for this, found out that it is actually Carpobrotus edulis (Hottentot-fig or iceplant). so we were trying to explain this when we were looking to our right (the opposite direction of where the main gate is supposed to be) and suddenly noticed water, lots of it, like the ocean was right behind the homes and it was moving as though it was stormy. then as we looked further to our right, we could tell that it was going to flood and overpower the homes and streets and that we had to move quickly to higher ground. we said something to that effect, hoping that the mp’s and the other people (mainly kids, teens, women) would start running quickly with us, behind us to higher ground, because we/i knew it was coming, this big flood of stormy ocean water and it was dangerous, but i remember thinking as i was running to my left and towards higher ground that suddenly appeared conveniently in my dream, that they didn’t believe me even though they saw it and it was so obvious and right in front of them and was going to head towards them. at one point while we were running and had reached the bottom of this huge mountain or cliff of dark brown gigantic boulder rocks that created a rocky, but climbable mountain that we looked back to see how close the water was to us and it was definitely heading toward us but we had a little bit more time to still get high enough for some kind of safety, although we knew time was seriously running out and we were going to get hit by the ocean/flood/stormy water before we reached the top, but we felt like we’d make it. i only remember in the dream focused on reaching the top, but i think there were others who eventually started running behind me and heading the same direction. i think (but not positive) that this is when we also started looking for sean and zoi and after reaching the top and then going into some kind of building, though the image of the building or any of that isn’t very clear… just i know it was some kind of enclosure that was very dark and it felt damp and cold, and then that’s when we found them and we were so relieved because we were missing them, needing them, worried, and wanted to be close to them for safety and security for all of us. i think we woke up shortly thereafter.

so some strange and intense dreams with lots of symbolism and some obvious or likely dream meanings to be found in them. We’ll probably write another entry about our thoughts on these things in a little while.

Time was spent researching and trying to find out what kind of grass or plant it was and when we discovered it was a type of ice plant that used to live behind the tall brick wall behind our house that separated our backyard from the ice plant, then the sidewalk, then the main road leading to the main gate and other parts of the afb. Anyway, now we are ‘bigger’ and that feels nice as we feel more stable being grown up at the moment since we’ve been primarily very young and struggling to be ‘big’ at all these last few days.

Julies, but earlier us, usz, and possibly some others

So as our dearly loved friend, Naomi, says in her song, A New Day, which can be listened and/or purchased here along with her other songs, we are once again at the start of A New Day, A New Way, and A New Chapter in our life. We’ve been gearing ourselves up for more changes, particularly as it relates to journal writing, working on our website, and of course the usual challenges and strivings towards changes and healing with everything in our life.

We realized recently that our one year Engagement Anniversary was coming up and we decided that was when we’d begin anew with our journal writing. Of course the funny thing is that eventually we’ll scan old handwritten journal entries and back date them here so it will be slightly irrelevant, but we like to believe that it is fitting to have these changes happen on such a special day for us.

So today we will be celebrating our one year Engagement with Sean and his system. It’s our turn to surprise him/them with extra love, attention, and celebration. We’re both very broke financially, but we’ve managed to come up with some ideas on how to spend time together without cost, other than a small splurge to the very early matinee of Where The Wild Things Are for the kids. We’re making breakfast for him and so we shouldn’t feel the need to buy junk food and things at the movie theater. We’re making all the meals today for Sean, planning a nice candle lit dinner, a very early matinee kids movie, playing some cards together, playing with Zoi (our amazing dog), talking, cuddling, maybe watching a movie at home later tonight (not sure what exactly, but will figure something out for us teens and adults) and then more grown up time. So anyway, we’re looking forward to today with him/them.

On October 25, 2007, Sean and his system came to a multiples support group that we attend, and our paths in life crossed. On March 25, 2008 (totally not on purpose date and number wise, it just happened that way), we went on our first date together. On October 25, 2008, Sean proposed to me on a bridge overlooking a huge waterfall and there were many other wonderful details he thought of and surprised us with. And today, October 25, 2009, we have been happily engaged for a year and we are looking forward to our future together with him/them. We have a really good relationship with them and it’s interesting and amazing to discover how having a significant other, partner, who loves all of you, accepts all of you, and is safe for everyone inside to be around, how it can really make a big impact and difference in a person’s life. In this case, my life, our life, our lives. It doesn’t fix all the bad stuff, the hard things, the things that are wrong with us, the things we’re working on, etc., but it does help and it does make a difference, one that we couldn’t have ever really understood until Sean and all came into our lives. We are very thankful and aware of the blessing we’ve received with Sean and all loving us and being in our life/lives.

Changing topics here…

We haven’t been sleeping at night the last few nights and only getting some naps in the daytime or early evening. So now I’m exhausted and thinking of trying to take a very brief nap before our big day begins. We’ll be back to write more about how we’re doing and what’s been going on with us regarding therapy and healing and other life things.

Julies

We missed group tonight and we really, really wanted to go.  We needed to attend group but this surge of overwhelming exhaustion hit us while we went downstairs to do one final coat of painting before group, but we could only get a small portion of it done before we suddenly became extremely exhausted.  It is frustrating when this happens… when we think we’re in a space to do something and make strides or progress on something, then we start it and within minutes we are ’shut down’ in a sense with utter exhaustion, sleepiness, and this inability to fight against it.  It is the most frustrating when it happens suddenly and when I think I’m rested enough or have worked ourselves into a space to do something.  I feel so out of control and helpless about it.  I know it has to be something internal and we have some ideas about where it comes from, but we just don’t know enough about it yet.  And sadly, I feel pretty strongly we’ve been battling and trying to work through this damn particular problem for years and years now.  I guess we get closer and closer to it and a little bit of chipping away at it over the years, but damn, I just want it over with and to stop!

So we had to stop our painting and we went and laid down in hopes that it would help some so we could get up and head to group, but alas, we crashed very hard and Sean had to wake us so we could call someone in group to let them know we wouldn’t make it.  Uggh, it sucks.  We’re just so damn exhausted and pushing hard at trying to finish painting the bedroom Sean and I are moving back downstairs into again and then we’ve got a crap load of boxes to move over along with some furniture and other misc belongings that we haven’t moved over here yet.  Then comes the big job of cleaning (deep, OCD stuff for us) and organizing, and trying to get some order into our stuff and Sean’s stuff.  Uggh, and that’s just the beginning of numerous things we’ve got to somehow get done asap in our life to have some order and maybe some manageability to it.

We’re supposed to be moved out in a week and our plan is to be done by next Wednesday so we can turn in the keys Thursday morning and do the inspection with our apt mgr.  We want our deposit back and so we’ll be going overboard in our cleaning.  It’s not that dirty right now, but it wasn’t all that spiffy (in our opinion) when we moved in.  We are very detail-oriented and their type of cleaning is not our idea of deep cleaning.  We could list a number of things that we found wrong and gross, but that’s beside the point.  We’re going to do our best to have time to do the cleaning we think is necessary to make sure there is no question we can get our deposit back.  It will very likely be much cleaner than when we moved in.  Anyway, we have a ton of physical moving to do amongst a ton of little things to do to finish preparing our bedroom here at Sean’s house and then we have more physical moving of furniture and things to go downstairs into it, aside from all the cleaning to do before and during all of that.

So that’s our whine or update or whatever you want to call it.  We’re stressed and trying hard to hang in there.  At the moment I guess we’re doing ok, meaning when we crashed, we crashed hard tonight, but then woke up with some clear headedness and not so much energy but an ‘okayness’ so we could finish the final coat of painting, minus the closet final coat because we ran out of paint.  All that is left is touch up along the edges and trim and the closet and bedroom door.  Well, we still have to deep clean the window and wash the window trim, prep it with the nail indenting and putty, priming and painting.  We figure we’ll get to that later, but we do want to get to it soon as we want the room finished, but at least it is something that can wait if we don’t get to it before the furniture and things go in there.  So Sean and I have a lot left to do together but it is slowly getting done.  We had hoped to have all the painting done and nearly everything moved out of my apt by now, but oh well, it will get done in time somehow.

We’re just tired and stressed.  We didn’t get anywhere close to our goal of dealing with our ridiculous number of boxes and storage containers of crap that we need to go through and discard or file, find a place for, etc.  We made some progress in regards to our old handwritten journal entries and have things even more organized than before and ready to continue the organizing process of all of our therapy journal stuff and other therapy oriented writings and whatnot.  So that is a plus as we intend to scan them eventually and probably post them here to be read, although some we may make private or password protect.  Not sure entirely yet what will occur.

Anyway, our next week is going to be super busy and we’re trying very hard to hang in there, hold on, and to keep trudging along until the worst of things is over with, and I suspect and halfway expect (based on past experience and what I know about us) that we’ll crash hard when the move is complete.  Our therapist is leaving on vacation on Saturday for a week and so we had our last session this past Tuesday until the 22nd. We’re definitely getting attached to her and I hope it is a healthy attachment this time and not something unhealthy, but who knows.

We’re just exhausted and stressed and trying really hard to not totally crash just yet and the 2 days in a row that we crashed this last week, I’m hoping we can keep that minimal this next week when things get even more stressful with all the additional moving and cleaning and things that are just stressful and take a lot of energy out of us when our body physically can’t do it as much, let alone emotionally manage so much stuff all at once.

The other big news in my life is that I’m anxiously awaiting the arrival of my niece.  My brother and his wife are expecting her to be born anyday now.  I can’t wait!

Until later… and goodness, we really plan and expect to be writing on a much more regular basis after this next week is over with!

Julies (and others around)