It is shocking to me and sad and grief giving as to how many years we’ve been in therapy (17 years this August) and we’re just now really and truly talking about the memories of abuse by him and really making a concerted effort to stay relatively focused on this topic and the memories and feelings and thoughts that swallow us up in such misery. Hell, in many ways, I’m just now giving myself permission to realize how serious the abuse by him was and how much of an impact it has had on us. On one level I kind of knew, but we have consistently minimized it or avoided it like crazy to not really feel things about it or acknowledge the traumatic level it has had on us. Since we’ve known about these memories or rather basically pieces of various memories, we’ve really downplayed it as something to work on because we’ve known about it for so long now and we’ve mentioned a few of them to therapists in really generic terms before, but we’ve never really dealt with any of it on any real level. We are now. And it is so hard.

Someone is mad and saying I’m exaggerating about all of it, but I’m not. I don’t feel anything right now about it, but I know there are kids inside with immense pain about all of this. They were there in therapy today. I don’t remember much, but I remember they cried and crying comes easy to the ones who showed up in therapy.

This Wednesday is the last day we see Cec and so we will be saying our final goodbyes to her and we are still completely unprepared, but hopefully we will sit down and write a letter to her or at least set up an outline for ourselves to make sure we tell her the things we need to tell her, etc.

Therapy with Kathy is going very well. We are moving along with her relatively quickly and are very focused on trying to make the most of the time we have with her each time we see her. We are also working on trying to stay focused on our therapy issues and the things therapy brings up for us and trying to problem solve stuff like that in the background while dealing with the shit that comes up from facing memories and our past.

It sounds like we’re working our ass off. I’m not entirely sure about that. It helped that Kathy said we worked very hard today and I think she’s made inferences that we’ve been working hard with her. It also really seems like we did some releasing of some toxic stuff inside and some deeper processing and release of emotions and things like that…. the kind of stuff those inside…especially those from the us and usz groups… are always needing and crying and desperately craving the time and chance for…. and today a few of them were brave enough to come forward in therapy and do some of that work.

I’m surprised we wrote this much as the exhaustion is pretty strong right now. We haven’t really had a chance to take our usual nap after therapy or any real downtime until now. We just needed to say something, even if it isn’t really saying much of anything and is so general… at least we are making ourselves write something. I honestly thought we’d only write one or two sentences, but once we got past that first hurdle, we ended up writing this much.

Really need to go for now.

Julie/s

At the moment we are having some severe allergies or something… I’m hoping it is allergies in a way because I hate being sick and it really doesn’t quite seem like a cold, but it might be a cold or potentially develop from allergies into a cold.  Either way, we are miserably stuffed up and constantly blowing our nose and sound congested with the whole nasal throat thing going on.  The annoying thing is that taking a 24 hour allergy pill just doesn’t seem to be helping much.  I suppose it helps somewhat, but it just isn’t the magic pill that takes our symptoms away.  Bleh, complaining and whining here, but what better place than a journal for that.

It feels like we’ve been in this constant state of fluxation and change and transition for so long and it looks like it is going to continue for another 3-6 months at this point and that is rather exhausting to think about.  We’ve had 3 moves since either the end of 2006 or the beginning of 2007.  We’re actually still slowly working on the 3rd move happening and so that isn’t complete yet and it will be awhile longer before it is complete.  Additionally we suddenly found ourselves very unexpectedly in a serious relationship that is leading to marriage and hopefully at some point a child or children. Meanwhile we’ve had a number of therapists since losing Wendy in March of 2006, and although we did find Cec who has been helpful and we’ve been seeing her for some time now, we’ve known she isn’t the one who is best suited for us for very long term therapy.  So now we’re in a transition of seeing Cec and Kathy while we get ourselves settled in with Kathy.  There’s a bit more to all of that at the moment, but we’re trying to only highlight things right now.  Kathy is planning on being in the area and working for 10 years or more and so although anything can happen and change for either of us, everything is at least looking long term enough to finish up therapy with her.  She’s a good fit in many areas for our needs and ideas of what kind of therapist we are looking for to help us.  That is the hopeful and good news but it also comes bittersweet because we are having to start all over again with a therapist. There’s so much history to fill in and groundwork that needs to be laid down and so there is that frustrating component and we are feeling the pinch of time even stronger than ever as marriage and our own family becomes a reality in a few years.  We have SO MUCH work that our system would like to see done and accomplished in such a short time frame and when coupled with all the other dynamics and issues of everything, it just doesn’t seem like it is going to happen in the manner we envision or hope for.  I suppose we need to put into words what it is that we really envision or hope for and we will have to make that a therapy writing assignment for another day. Mostly we are trying to look at all of this as an opportunity to bring together all the years of our prior therapy and assimilate and associate all of that past information as we bring Kathy up to date and also as we progress in therapy with her.  We have a vague idea of how to go about doing that, but I imagine we will have to write about that as well at some point and put it into words with a more tangible form of measurement and concrete ideas.

We’ve had so very little time on the computer lately and in a sense, for quite some time now.  We finally got our computer over to Sean’s house instead of using a secondary computer that was used by our roommates, but then some additional things changed shortly after our computer came over and so it’s just impacted our time on the computer even more.  Sean and I have been trying to work on some things so that changes and is available to us and to him as well, but the ideal change is yet to come in the future.  So it will still be touch and go in some ways and we’re just trying to adjust to this change and structure that is very outside our norm or comfort zone.  

We’re exhausted.  We had therapy today with Kathy and tomorrow we see Cec and then Thursday we see our psychiatrist.  We also have to find another psychiatrist since this pdoc is through the agency and we can’t see this pdoc without having therapy there and stuff and anyway, it’s a long drive or long bus ride anyway.  

So hopefully we can actually start writing here again on a more frequent basis.  We know we’ve said this before, but our intentions truly are there, and we’re continuing to work on things so that they settle down and so we can settle back into writing.  It also seems like maybe the writing block and struggle to write may also have broken down a bit.  I think some of that has to do with the inspiration and renewed encouragement of having a new therapist that we can trust (well trying hard to trust and everything says we should be able to trust it and her) will be there for a long while and whom meets our needs right now in areas Cec just can’t and hasn’t been able to do.  We have nothing negative to say about Cec as she is a good therapist and her style does work for some inside, but not for all and not for our overall system, and even still, there were some things that we need in general as a system that we just weren’t able to have met by Cec. So anyway, that’s just a little bit of what’s swirling around in our thoughts and heart and life.

Julie/s

one of the bigger Julies finally told the mother, “I’m disabled for a reason,” when referencing to the mother that we needed a break away from her and not going to her house when we said we would and that this was taking a huge toll on us and we were burnt out by everything. it took us so long simply because we can only manage so much concentration and energy to do anything and so what might have taken ordinary people a weekend for the amount of work that needed to be done and we did, it took us basically 2 weeks… and we still didn’t accomplish everything. there is a lot left to do and Sean came over several times to help and Loretta came over towards the end to help put things in order and get the basics done on things we just couldn’t get to because we were running out of time and our OCD couldn’t let go of certain things to ignore all the dust and dirt and crap of things that needed to be done and since we were doing it, it needed to be done right and while it took time, it took less time to do it right than to go back and do it over at some point and we had no interest in doing it over at any time in the near future and so we needed to do it then. even if it pissed off the mother because we weren’t getting everything done and it wasn’t getting done in the way she wanted or in the time she wanted and we weren’t listening to her towards the end to ignore the cleaning and just make it done and ready somehow. well fuck it, it’s fucking family coming to visit and if they can’t cope with it and realize the situation and that we did the best we could, then fuck it. damn it, some of us felt like if she still needed shit done, her sisters could help, because they are sisters after all. fucking hell she is ill.

we did let the mother know clearly again that we had no intentions on taking care of her when her health gets even worse. she’ll be going to a home or some place and other people will care for her, thank you very fucking much. we’ve cared for her as a child and as an adult and still to some degree do a lot of shit for her, and fuck it, we just aren’t doing it for her when she is totally in need of 24/7 care. fuck that. i don’t care if she is my mother. she fucking doesn’t deserve it from us. maybe if she cared for us as a child and cared for herself throughout our adulthood, then just fucking maybe we wouldn’t mind the idea of helping her when she gets older and more ill, but fucking hell, she isn’t coming to our home and we aren’t going to hers. and amazingly the mother seems to understand that and says she doesn’t want to do that to me or bryan. guilt i suppose or maybe she’s just saying that, but she seems to be sincere about it.

it seems hard to believe that so much time has passed and we were at the mother’s for so long. in coming out of the fog or whatever state we were in, the realization that we put our entire life, our entire personal to do list, our entire well being, our entire sanity, our entire everything on hold, and put away and pushed aside, all for her and her sake. we tried to tell ourselves it was for our aunts sake as well because they needed a nice enough place to stay, but really, it wouldn’t have been the end of the world if they saw how things normally are. it’s like in the moment while it was happening we just didn’t seem to “get it” how much time was passing and how much we were putting aside all for the mother. on one level we knew it, but on many more greater levels, it wasn’t connecting. i guess it was just a dissociation and denial of the reality and truth of what was happening.

Sean said that he doesn’t want this to happen like this ever again. that he will pay for half of the cleaning the mother needs and call professionals in– that he doesn’t want to see us go through this again and what it did to us, etc. i think he saw more of the depth of the stress and toil and problems that this caused for us and our system and functioning than we did or do. he did see the mother as we knew her to be growing up and in our adult years for many years… he saw the mother we knew… the one who takes her stress out on us, simply because that’s what she does and who she targets…generally. the mother who was rude and snarky and bitchy to us when she wasn’t getting her way or what she wanted exactly or how she wanted it exactly… when her control wasn’t there over us and we were doing things the way we wanted to, when, how, and on our time schedule and not hers. he saw our anxiety when we didn’t realize we were anxious. the only thing we noticed was that we were irritated with the mother and couldn’t stand her and angry and hating that we were doing anything for her. i thought it was just that others inside who have mother issues had come forward closer to the front suddenly, as i’ve experienced this sudden “okay or no feelings or nothing or fine” to this sudden out of the blue intense internal feelings and issues and stuff that we’re fighting to keep under control and not show it to the mother that we can’t stand to be around her and don’t want to be there and certainly don’t want to be helping her or doing anything that pleases her, etc. apparently the mother irritated Sean too by what she said to us and around us, that interestingly, I didn’t hear or notice at all… but I’m guessing others inside did since they suddenly were triggered close by. The amnesia and separation was there for that.

There’s more… so much more to say and write about and get out in the open, but we are running out of time for that today.

We have therapy today with Cec… the first time since the beginning of September. And the stupid fucking thing about all of it is that my Medicaid was back dated which means we could have been seeing Cec all this time, but the fucking agency are assholes and idiots and really not for profit as much as they say they are cuz they fucking don’t work with people in our situation (we always get our Medicaid back dated but they seem to think we can afford $200 a month to pay them to see Cec regularly and then of course, oh geez, we will have a credit with them or they will owe us when our medical comes through as always). There’s more about this topic, but it’s what it is and we are bitchy and wanting and asking too much and spoiled. Spoiled because we had a reasonable therapist (Wendy) who worked with us all those years in our financial situation and still accepts a small monthly payment until someday our situation changes and we can pay her more and pay her off fully. We expect things to change and to be able to pay her fully off at some point in the next 5 years.

We are bringing Sean with us to therapy and he will be going in there with us as support. Cec didn’t want to meet him or anything anytime soon. This was several months ago. We gave her a heads up voice mail message and Billie is prepared to tell her to deal with it and that it is our fucking therapy and not Cec’s and Billie will royally be pissed if Cec takes issue with it. We clearly don’t have the best close connection or care too much and won’t concede to whatever Cec wants just because she wants it this way or that. We’re not in the mood for it and it’s our therapy and not Cec’s. There’s so much crap that Cec can’t and won’t give that we need and this one thing in addition to everything else is just one that we aren’t dealing with because we refuse to let Cec have her way on this. And if she throws a big tizzy about it, it only pushes us further away to get another therapist, which we are working on as it is. For many different reasons. Cec is still a good therapist, but there are things we need that she can’t or won’t give for any number of reasons and there are things that just don’t work in the long term for us with her or with the agency. It really doesn’t help that every 3 months (and less when all is taken into account) that we have a disruption of therapy for 3-6 weeks or so, simply because of the medical issue that always takes care of itself in the long run but the agency is all about money and less about working out a payment arrangement, etc. Whatever. And it is really less than 3 months because beginning Dec. 1st, we’ll be in this situation again and chances are it will be mid-late December before everything is taken care of and by then the holidays and whatnot will be around and well, whatever, in a month and a half we’ll have another unnecessary disruption of therapy. So yah, that really doesn’t bode well for conducive therapeutic relationship crap.

After therapy tonight, we go to the dress rehearsal and afterwards to the dinner. The father will be there at both. That brings up a shit load of emotions and thoughts and system confusion and disruption and uggh, it’s a mess, and conveniently we are sidestepping it because we’ve got to go and take care of a few things and then get dressed and ready for it and head to therapy and then all of that.

The father has been in town since Wednesday and tonight will be the first time we see him and first time we speak to him. We feel stupid and so babyish for being so anxious about it and worried and stressed and uggh. There’s been a lot of intense emotional pain as others come forward. They even cried for a brief few minutes, but really cried, which we haven’t been able to do for so long. It happened when we took Zoey outside to go to the bathroom. It was definitely young ones crying. It’s just so weird. And validating and works on any denial by me or others inside. I haven’t been consciously trying to focus on the whole father shit and the abuse shit and all that stuff. And yet sudden emotional pain and stress and freak out will come, seemingly from nowhere, unexpected and just definitely not contrived or created or instigated or nothing…. and this makes the reality of the abuse more real and true and less made up somehow, like somehow we are screwed up and we must be this awful daughter and person to falsely accuse him of such a thing. It’s hard to explain, but it just makes things harder to slip into the direction of denying and invalidating when we really want to do that because it is so much easier than standing strong and saying he abused us, it is real, he is a child rapist, etc. That is really hard to do, especially around family that is invested in denial and people who don’t want to hear or know that sort of thing anyways.

we’ve got to go. we feel so all over the place. we’re a wreck and utterly exhausted. and it’s october of all fucking months.

and there are quite a number of us that wish the father would fucking admit that he abused us. and we know we shouldn’t wish that and want that from him and we wish that it wouldn’t matter, but somehow it matters right now to quite a lot of us. but he didn’t when we confronted him 8 years ago and he’s extremely unlikely to do so now.

julies, Julies, others, and whomever around

We’ve been awake since 5 or 6 am. The last two nights we’ve woken up after only a few hours of sleep. Tried falling back asleep, but then finally got up. Now we should be getting ready to go to DSHS to get this done and make a phone call to Cec to try and see her today. She didn’t return our call from last week to make an appt with her. This bothers us, but we’re trying to give her the benefit of the doubt until we can speak with her– something Wendy taught us and that we’re appreciative of.

In some ways it just seems easier to wait another week to see Cec and take care of this medical stuff tomorrow or Friday. In other ways I know we really, really need therapy right now. A lot of stuff is going on and therapy is just so very much needed.

All we want to do is to go back to bed and hopefully sleep, but I know that means we’ll probably be in bed until this afternoon. We have so much to do around here, business oriented stuff and personally, and yet we seem to only be able to do a little bit a day and sometimes not much of anything. I feel depressed and sad and something… something I recognize so very much. My heart aches inside and I feel the weights of so many things that I’m carrying. And sadness, such deep sadness within.

Such is life.

Julie

Fuck Therapy! Fuck Therapists! Fuck IT ALL!!!

Yah that freaking makes me feel better.

And no I ain’t explaining right now cuz I don’t fucking want people thinking and not saying or thinking and saying what freaking whiny ass people we are who want and need and expect too damn much from therapists and therapy.  So when enough of us can deal with whatever people are gonna think or say then we’ll explain more.  

I will say that I’m tired of this therapy crap.  I’m tired of more or less getting screwed in some way.  I’m tired of not having shit ass money to pay for therapy.  I’m tired of it being the reason we get pushed the hell out the door of therapy when paying a low monthly fee towards accumulating therapy bill was cool for a lotta years.  The latest–basically told stay away until you have money to give us or until you get the right insurance.  This is basically told to us at the non profit agency place that won’t give us sliding scale because we have insurance but the co-pay is way too fucking much and they won’t slide scale the co-pay.  They also won’t let us make a low monthly payment towards the growing co-pay debt that we’d pay off some fucking day in the future.  But if we had insurance and lost our freaking ass insurance and had no insurance then they’d give us the sliding scale.  And I don’t care what they say but I know damn well Medicare pays more than what we’d be charged for that sliding scale based on our income if we had no insurance.  I saw their damn sliding scale chart a few weeks back.  But if we had no insurance when we first came to them and asked for help, they’d say sorry, no room, no space for that, go fuck yourselves and have a nice day and good fucking luck with your mental health crap.

Yah yah yah I know that ain’t what they really say but they basically are saying that when they have to turn people away.

The best thing yet– we can get 30 minute sessions for a little bit more than what we asked to pay for our co-pay.  And if we pay for two 30 minute sessions, it is less than one 50 minute session co-pay.  It ain’t that big of a discount but it still is less.  Go fucking figure and no you can’t have two 30 minute therapy sessions on the same day with our insurance.

So I don’t know, maybe we’ll go pay for a 30 minute session and I’ll bitch at Cec simply because I feel like bitching.  Not like she has any control over any of it.  I’d just like to explain to her why the fuck I’m saying fuck therapy and fuck therapists. Just fuck it all.

There’s this deal in our head that we always hear when shit like this happens: 

“Oh, it’s Julie.  She’ll be fine.  She’s fine.  It’s no big deal.”  It doesn’t fucking matter that we aren’t doing well, that therapy helps us keep a grip on things in life, that we fucking hurt, and just crap like that.  It always seems and feels like to us that they just “dismiss us” with a wave of their hand and just assume and decide that we’ll deal with it and we’ll be fine and it won’t be a fucking big deal to us.  That they wouldn’t do that to some other client but they’d do it to us because “we’re fine and can deal with it.”  Well, FUCK NO WE CAN’T FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!!

And yah I know we’re asking and wanting and expecting too damn much.  It takes money.  You need too much and expect and hope for too damn much when you only pay shit. 

I’m fucking frankly tired of the shit ass crap I’ve got to deal with inside when shit like this rolls down hill.  I don’t know all the crap but I sure as hell know more than any of the Julies know about.  IT SUCKS! It is FUCKING HARD.  And ya know we’ve been sucking it up in a lot of ways, well like maybe not to other people, but I think so, with all the bullshit and jerking around of therapists in the agencies that we’ve gone through since we lost Wendy.  So then we find Cec and we’re dealing with this crap.  And there’s that list of crap that Cec can’t or won’t meet our needs on and well, again, we need and ask and expect and want too fucking much and especially when we pay shit.  

The Julies called like well over a dozen therapists that are closer to us and so less of a commute and whatever.  Of course like nearly all of them had full caseloads and only a few of them took our insurance.  So we have a crap load more people to call.  We’ve gone through the referred list.  Now onto the damn phone book and just start asking the basic questions and creating a new list of names and numbers.  

I frankly don’t fucking know that our system is ever really gonna trust another therapist again to any degree.  We’ve been with Cec for over a year now and hardly anyone has really come out and talked with her.  Yah so some of us have shown up, but like tons and tons of people who’ve shown up in therapy over the years with Wendy haven’t even come close to coming out.  They don’t come close to the surface, it’s like just way deep and buried.  They stay the fuck away or cause problems within but behind the Walls and other things and basically ya can’t find out a damn thing and info stays locked inside.

I ain’t ever felt like this like I do now.  I seriously am questioning what the fucking point of trying to do therapy is.  WHY?!? Why the fuck bother when we basically get pushed out the door for some fucking reason or another.  The first time was because we needed “a therapy break” of who knows how the fuck long– one day it was 2 weeks the next fucking time it was a month or several months and the next time “maybe we don’t ever return.”  It kept fucking changing every damn time we turned around and she sure as hell knew we didn’t agree with her decision (yes, the therapist’s decision) we needed a therapy break.  We fought with her and basically begged and pleaded for an extension to not have it happen in the spring on us.  She agreed and extended the “deadline.”  Well we spent at least 6 months almost constant every session trying to not be forced to have this therapy break of unknown fucking time and determined entirely by her as to when or if we return.  Then some shit happened and we left and our therapist was pissed because we left her before she forced a “therapy break” on us.  FUCK HER.  She did a number of other fucked up things.  That was our first major therapist that spent any time with our system and first time our system really opened up.  We saw another therapist for a short time who first diagnosed us (so before that first therapist I told ya about) and so yah, she saw a few from our system, but we left her for varied reasons.

Then there was Wendy and our system over the years opened up to her and like tons of us showed up in some kind of way to communicate to her.  She put up with a shit load of crap from us.  But due to financial and insurance reasons we got referred out by her.  Never mind what we had set up for years financially that was working and never mind that we had spent 8 1/2 years with her for therapy.  Never mind we were being sent out to an agency with who knows what kind of therapist and what kind of knowledge they had on dealing with multiplicity.  Okay, whatever.   Bottom line: our system opened up to Wendy big time over the years, and some inside had just begun  finally after years of trying to get them to share, they had finally begun to talk and tell.  Then: leave me, go away.  I don’t care what you say. It doesn’t matter enough.  Leave me, go away.

So 2 long-term therapists our system opens up to and 2 therapists that basically tell us to leave and go away.  Yah so first therapist we left before she totally ditched us and the second therapist we begged and pleaded and went out the door kicking and screaming emotionally.  So now there’s Cec and the agency and we’ve basically been told the same thing.  Our system has slightly opened up and has tried hard to trust and open up to Cec, even though no matter how hard we try, in some ways it just ain’t budging no where.  Oh yah, I know, we just have to pay $200 a month for 4 regular 50-minute sessions.  They didn’t really kick us out or force us to leave.  You just can’t return and have an appointment until you can pay.

I fucking frankly figure that if we do go in and pay for one session that it’s gonna be a session towards saying good-bye to Cec, if and when we find another local therapist that we can arrange something with our insurance and co-pay amount.

And the big fucking fun ass thing about this– Well, you see…. we’ve been without our secondary insurance before… but we always do the paperwork and letters (eventually) and push to get that secondary insurance coverage.  Not only that, we make sure to get it back-dated.  So ya see, all of this co-pay shit becomes totally moot once that happens.  The two other times we’ve been in this “space” of no secondary insurance, they let it slide or let me ride through it and still see Cec while I waited for it to get re-instated.  But not this time.

I’m here now and need to go.  I don’t feel like talking about it really; it is what it is and there isn’t really anything we can do about it.  It’s exhausting trying to deal with it and it brings up so much for us.

Billie, B.J., and Julie at the end

The gist is that something serious is going on with her… seems emotional and physical at the same time. Something sort of bizarre if you ask us, as we had not seen something like this before with her. She also was in the process of moving her office and there was this weird thing about a road and how one road to get there was safer than another road. At one point there was a mention of taking the bus as she wasn’t sure she’d be able to drive anymore. Weird is all I can say. What’s strange is that part of the dream indicates it is more city like (hence, the bus option), but another part of the dream indicates it is more like an island of sorts where her new office is and with at least one way that doesn’t feel the safest to travel by to get there, although in some ways it is safe.

There were other weird things that happened. It’s all jumbled up. The basics is that I pass by Wendy in sort of like a parking lot thing… relatively open parking lot that is kind of small, but not too small. Seems like one person is around me and it is Sue, my mom’s roommate. But she’s only in my dream because I have to go pick her up from the hospital today asap and so she’s on my mind to not oversleep too terribly long before getting ready to leave. Anyway, I see Wendy, and we brave up the courage to ask her for a hug, and she seems to think about it for a minute or so, but then agrees. Some inside say she readily agreed and that they noticed that she agreed pretty quickly like somehow suddenly it was okay and things were okay again.

It’s fuzzy at this point. But the dream gets all weird from here. Strange hugs. Graham crackers? and Marshmellows or something (Giant size or something to do with the head for both–weird is all I can say) and then later on, Oreo cookies. I do go see her new office, except it is so “hospital room like” that it is weird to me. That is NOT how her office is for real. Oh yah, and the oreo cookie or two left over was there in that room on the seat and table. There was some more discussion and weirdness because we were taking a long time to talk with Wendy and get a hug and our friend, Sue, was waiting on us, but we knew it would be okay that we spent a few minutes with Wendy. Except that I think it was taking longer than a few minutes, which is odd by itself too under the present day circumstances.

Wendy wasn’t like herself either in the dream. Something clearly was wrong with her emotionally and physically. We finally got up the courage to ask her something about it and asked her if it had anything to do with us leaving (err, her having us leave), and she said yes, and that at the time she didn’t realize it. Her voice was soft and tender and it had a lot of “the Wendy we know” aspects to it. Some more stuff happens that we don’t really recall. At the end of the dream, I think we ask if we can see her now (i.e. for her to be our therapist again) and she says no. We sort of knew the answer, but had to ask anyway. We were both sad and confused, because we knew we were seeing Cec, but wanted to see Wendy too and missed her a lot. I think we were rather mixed up in a way about which way we wanted to go, because some of us were definitely willing to leave Cec to see Wendy again, even though we knew we couldn’t, but we were hoping so.

Some other miscellaneous stuff that is too blurry to make sense of.

At the beginning of the dream (before Wendy I think), something to do about toilets. I swear to G-d we have too many dreams about toilets. At least this time the toilets weren’t gross and nasty (and that is no exaggeration either). Just somehow worried about privacy and I think at some point, hiding in a stall from someone “bad.” Oh and the other weird thing is that at some point the toilet reversed and so did the stall door from the other stalls. So I thought that was weird and obvious to anyone looking for us, but okay, whatever.

Also at some point in the dream, we went into this building with Wendy (that seemed actually a building in the city and shortly after the discussion about the bus). Anyway, she was going to take us to her new office, but we were worried about all the time we had already spent and Sue waiting and we hadn’t really told her it would be a little while. Anyway, Wendy was showing and telling us that it was straight down there all the way to the end and her office was there. We were clarifying with her that it was straight down (because we looked down the walkway and there was sort of an intersection of sorts mid-way where it still goes straight, but first it bends to the right a bit and then straight, and there were other hallways to go down… right and left too). So then we’re like, okay, we can find it. The address is given to us aloud–I think by someone else walking by, but don’t know or remember that for sure. The next thing is being shown her name plate up on the list of info of people renting an office space from the building. Well… the name shown was hers and yet wasn’t her name. It had what I think is her middle name as her first name and then a last name that I assumed and thought of in my dream as her maiden name. I remember thinking it was weird that it didn’t say Wendy up there and her last name was so different. I remember the first name displayed (middle name) pretty clearly though it is foggy a bit and slightly her last name. I definitely have the last name displayed… the last initial that is very different from the name we know her by. Anyway.

I think that is about it. We really do have to go. Strange dream is all we can say. I think we covered all the things that we recall about the dream.

Julies

Therapy was just weird. I got most of the scoop from far away and have the basic gist of what was going on. I feel like I totally am crappy and not doing a good job and not enough helping out. At the same time I’m like geez how much more do I have to freaking take care of!

We’ve like been seeing Cec later in the day on Tuesdays this month cuz of some stupid insurance rules of a real doctor being on site and crap like that. So it like should seem to not be a big problem but I gotta wonder if it’s affecting things cuz things have just been sort of “off” ever since that change. Not a whole lot and last week we were in a totally different room than ever before. Oh yah, my rant on that– the agency has “offices” that are “reserved” by the therapists for whenever they have a client– so no one particular office for any therapist. Well shit I gotta wonder if they couldn’t at least find a way to have 2 therapists share one office– 2 that have different schedules or something. I just hate the whole bland blah nothing blank offices and sometimes we’re in a different room. It just fucking sucks. Yah so I bitch, but hey, somebody in this system has got to fucking tell it like it is and bitch just for the sake of fucking bitching about something that is so fucking fucked up. It takes away the consistency and safety and shit. Whatever. I just think it is fucking assinine. Get this– they HAD a building where the therapists HAD their own separate offices but then they moved across the street to this other place and now the therapists don’t have their own offices. Oh yah, but they do sort of. The therapists have their own sort of office somewhere else in the building. I don’t know if it is cubicles or what the hell it is.. but elsewhere in the building they do have their own designated place… but no clients go there. Oh no… they all go to these rotating bland inconsistent fucking so called offices for clients. And yah, Cec, she does a damn good job of trying to keep the room/office the same as usual, but it don’t always work out that way.<

So never fear, I have ended my rant on that for today.

Basically things were just weird with therapy. Cec seems far away. It could be us, it could be her. We weren’t connecting with her. Well mostly it was Julie who wasn’t connecting with her and the Julie that was out is the one quite a few in here are revolting against and want her gone, outta here, obliterated from the front, etc. They never cease to remind her how much they hate her and can’t stand her and how much she disgusts them. And something weird was going on with us where like a lot of us were far away and disconnected from the front. So like the whole disconnect could totally be us. At the same time, Cec still felt pretty far away. So some of us are thinking and wondering that this later in the day appt just maybe ain’t cool for us cuz Cec is probably more tired closer to the end of the day and well, it seemed different when we had an earlier appt with her. Of course it could be all jumbled up because of this stupid freaking ass memory crap that has our system contorted and things all fired up inside with all kinds of things going off.

There was quite a few insiders that were totally messed up after therapy. There like totally shouldn’t have been any real reason why other than the ones who needed therapy time today didn’t get their therapy time and they’ve been waiting awhile. Other than there was crap that needed to be said but wasn’t said. Other than Julie had no freaking clue cuz it was so disconnected from her. Never mind the headache she mentioned and Cec asked her about it and if Julie thought someone was wanting to be out. Cec totally gave Julie the option of checking on it. Julie sort of did but really didn’t. That’s the thing about Julie. It’s like you have to freaking whack her on the head before she hears or realizes the others need something. It’s like how can she zip up a corner of the backpack and see the dollhouse people and think about how they needed and wanted their time last week… and think about Cec suggesting the ones who mentioned their hurt and pain last week to have time this week… and the door is like wide open with Cec giving the opportunity and oh no, Julie is totally clueless about what happened 10 minutes before she sits down in therapy and hears and sees mostly nothing and nobody. Julie only mentions she senses a few around but it’s not the same as usual. Uggh.

We didn’t have a totally planned course of things to talk about because of internal strife about therapy, about talking, about crap in general. And things got cut off and disconnected. Oh interesting… cut off. That just tipped off this really weird connection thing I heard someone else say about the whole heart thing from the memory and things and that whole weird symbolism there with the words and internal reaction today in therapy the week after telling that memory to Cec. Anyway, just saying crap that I heard cuz it isn’t the kind of thing I think about cuz that crap didn’t happen to me. I gotta say I’m so glad I don’t have to totally deal directly with all that sra shit. I’m glad it didn’t happen to me. I think I’d be one pissed off woman. I already get pissy as it is about crap and Julie’s mother and people that are rude and hurtful to friends, but that sra crap, omg, I think people would like really hate being around me cuz I think I’d be so totally pissed off all the time.

Anyway so we’re thinking again (cuz this has come up before) about creating a back up plan that works for everyone that they can use for days like this when there is just nothing prepared and really closed down to talk about the important things or more urgent matters or just something productive and helpful to the system. I’m not saying that what Julie talked about was a waste of time. I mean she did try to talk about the whole memory crap and believing it/not believing it and some wisdom she got from our RR friends. It’s just sometimes she sucks major at communicating, especially when things are really out of sorts internally and she knows nothing, hears nothing, thinks nothing, basically. It’s like she’s this blank vessel trying to fill in the blanks with what she knows but she is clueless in a lot of ways and she just doesn’t stand on her own with her own opinions and thoughts like I do a lot of the time.

So like there’s more but hey I wrote enough to clog a toilet. Therapy was weird today. It wasn’t totally what we immediately needed and it is our fault and it’s one of those frustrating things cuz we’re just all working against each other right now. Things are so haywired. I’m ultra tired of trying to deal with crap inside and now I’ve got my crap of things to watch over more and do outside. The depression is just eating my ass. I don’t really have depression but a lot of system members do, and crap, it still affects me cuz I’m living with them and dealing with them and it gets to me too in its own freaking way.

Billie