My heart has melted again. Chris, my ex-fiance’ of 8 1/2 years, just emailed me from out of the blue. He called me by one of his endearment names. He wrote a short email, but it meant so much to me. I know I’m supposed to be “over him,” but I just can’t. I will always love him, desire him, and my heart will always have a place there for him. I’ve never found anyone who could come remotely close to touching my heart and life the way he touched mine and really, our system. Although admittedly, I haven’t really dated since him.
Mostly it was Julie who wrote back to him because I’m too lovey-dovey towards him when I’m supposed to be more casual and neutral at the moment. I don’t even know if he is involved with anyone right now. I just miss him. I’d give anything to see him one more time. Of course, that one more time always becomes, just one more time.
Just today L.J. showed Cec a picture of our engagement night– we have a picture of the two of us kissing and Julie and I are showing off our ring. The picture was in an envelope of mostly photos of Penny, but there were a few other miscellaneous photos. Another interesting event in relation to timing– to mention him in therapy and show a picture of him and I, and then for him to email tonight.
I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up– he will often show up again out of the blue and then will disengage contact unannounced. The last time this happened he deleted his email accounts and we had no way of contacting him. It isn’t because of anything we did or because we were bad or anything. It just happened. His phone number is usually unlisted and anyway, it is always hard to find him when we lose contact with him. I always wish to know that he is okay and to remain in contact with him. I’ve always enjoyed my conversations with him, and of course, to just be with him, in every capacity that is.
So I had to share this moment. I think I have more strength this time. I will not let the other Julies overrule me with their heads and stop my heart from leading the way. I want my chance to see him and to be with him one more time. I just want to hug him, talk with him, to feel his closeness and to be near him, and more if I can. They ruined it last time by trying to have all these boundaries and do the “right” thing. They are not ruining it for me again this time! I don’t care! Not this time. I just need something that only he can give me. I just miss him. I need him. I love him.
A.Me
My name is really, Me, but the A is there to distinguish Me from the pronoun ‘me’ to refer to someone else in our system. Mostly everyone here calls me Ame, but I don’t like what the A stands for. It’s supposed to represent Alter, because not much else would fit or sound as neatly as A.Me does. But now a fair amount of us dislike the terminology of Alter. I realize I could change my name to something else, but Me fits the best right now. I’m also part of a group that has Me related names, and things wouldn’t be the same if I changed my name to something else entirely. I could change it to the endearment name he calls me. It’s a sweet name and not something inappropriate. I’m just not ready to do that yet and I’m not sure how my comrades would appreciate the name change. Most of us have names that have reasons behind it or significance to us. And sometimes that means we are grouped together accordingly.