we so badly need to write about so many things. we need to process things and yet nothing comes and the emotional or physical energy is zapped and something or someone seems to be silencing things.  i suppose Blocker and Eraser and the other Function Keys are busy doing their jobs.  and whomever else inside is involved in all of this.

we’ve had some very intense and symbolic dreams that are very revealing about the extent of our processing of various stuff and so many of us believe a lot of deeper processing is going on as we work through some tough healing issues.

there’s pain and sadness and such a deep lack of energy from all of it.  sure, some of it is physical related to our anemia but it feels like some is also just the emotional zapping of our life energy that has already been trampled on for so many years and so it really isn’t up to par.

whatever. we are getting chastized for writing what we’ve written.  so much criticism from so many inside to a greater degree than usual, or so it seems.  i wonder if self-hatred and badness has a need to increase when you are processing stuff that might eventually help release some of that.  sort of like don’t you dare get rid of any part of me like that and to make sure you don’t, i’m going to reinforce my stance, grow bigger and stronger, and cage you even further than you were before. roarrrrrr.

we don’t even feel like finishing with tagging things or categorizing things.  i mean it is common to be overwhelmed to do it and thus the exhaustion comes with it and just unable to cope with it and so we pass it up ‘for later.’  we still have sooo many entries left to tag and categorize properly amongst all the other entries with backups that we need to import and also tag and categorize, etc.  we always manage to forget that when we are torn between wanting to come here to our journal and do something, write something, etc., that even when we find we can’t do it after all, that there is always the need to review entries and do the organizing of them.  even the ones we’ve tagged and categorized already, they also need reviewing because sometimes (like this one), we’ve been only able to tag a few things and haven’t thoroughly thought and decided on whether to add any more, etc.

uggh, the self-hate and mean commentary is getting stronger.  we’re just going to shut up.  it seems easier right now cuz i just don’t have the energy to try and fight back.  it hurts too much no matter what.  and yes, according to the commentary, we are babies because of that and need to grow up and shut the fuck up and get over it and be okay and fine and on and on it goes.

us, julies

i think it’s cuz we’ve been working so very hard in therapy and it is taking its toll on us.  i guess we’re supposed to expect or at least be able to cope with the after effects of therapy but it is so so hard and painful and so exhausting.  we are wondering if we need to pull back some and slow down some of the stuff but we think others inside are just focused on pushing harder and pushing forward on things and that we can cope with it.  well some of us think not!  the sadness entrenches us.  how do we get rid of it? i mean besides making it go away but really it doesn’t go away just somewhere buried inside.

we think too all this therapy and crap is just too much for the other Julies as they just get so worn out easily by lots of stuff and especially since they are kind of working through some of this with us, well ya know, vicariously working through the stuff they know about and are aware of.  it doesn’t take too much emotions and therapy stuff to totally wipe out the Julies if they can’t stay far enough away from it.

we are wondering if we need to do a forced dissociation in order to get stuff done but not sure how long it would really last.  but like in therapy when things are too much or have hit a strong triggering point where the ones pushing to do the talking and telling and emotions and stuff have pushed as far as they can against the ones trying to keep everything silent and nothing happened its not true and all that stuff, well, a weird kind of jolt and snap and jerk of the head and boom we are totally fine and nothing happened, it’s not true, no feelings, nothing, just utter and totally fine and okay and perfectly normal with no problems and no issues.  so like maybe we need to try and use that as sort of a forced thing when we’re like this.  not sure if we can but maybe we could try and see.   and we have no idea if we can control it like that but guess it is worth trying.  but doing any of that by itself takes energy too.  and we have so little of it.  so little physical and so very little emotionally at this point too.

it really sucks being anemic too and we need to schedule an appt with our regular dr. because looking online it talks about how it is important to find out the cause of it.  maybe then we can actually get our vit b12 and folic acid and vit d and whatever else needs to be checked as possible causes of anemia.  we’ve been wanting our vit b12 and vit d checked for so long but always afraid to just ask outright and afraid if the dr. says no b/c for whatever reason it isn’t “medically necessary” or they don’t want to b/c we didn’t convince them enough that it is merited then we are screwed in the future and will have to prove so much harder that it is medically necessary to have evaluated.  we are pretty sure they are totally low and we need vit b12 shots and special vit d pills.  we just suspect it is also contributing to our problems.  our sleep dr. tested and found the anemia and we’re taking supplements but we’re still exhausted and we know it’s going to take time and we’re also looking at upping the double dosage he is already prescribing to us.  we are thinking of taking a different brand and type of iron supplement in addition to the kind and mg he prescribed.

and for all this time, for many years, we’ve thought that our fatigue was associated with our depression and just being a fuck up and stuff.  now we’re wondering if we’ve been anemic for years now.  our regular dr. checked our iron when we went in to see her awhile back but she didn’t do the extensive testing.  the sleep dr did and he found it that way.  she just diagnosed us with chronic fatigue syndrome and maybe we have that but maybe we don’t.  i don’t know.  we just hate being tired all the time.  and this has been our life for years now.  having no energy to do crap and any small thing (taking shower, emptying dishwasher) wears us out and puts us back to bed to lay down which often leads to several hours of sleep.

so whine, whine, whine.  we’re having a hard time.  we hurt emotionally and sometimes physically but i think we still dissociate a lot of our body pain.  we get weird ass pains in various places in our body but we just cope with it and deal with it.  we’re emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted and the depression is just doing its damndest to suck us up and really, we think with the therapy stuff we’re doing lately, we think we’re experiencing a lot of grief even though we’re not sure what exactly it is we’re experiencing other than deep sadness and just our system is struggling.

we can’t put into words yet quite what is going on.  sorry this is so stupid.  just we hate things right now.  it’s so crazy how we can plummet so far and so fast and we forget sometimes how very easy and very close we always are to this place.  we’ve been struggling but getting through and we’re used to that… things being hard with varying moments of coping ok and varying crappy times, but now things are not just hard and barely getting through, they just fucking suck and we feel like we’re falling with nothing to hold onto to stop.

stupid us.

julies, and others we think

Not really. The defenses are up because the self criticism is high and the anxiety is way the fuck high but most people wouldn’t notice or realize because we hide the anxiety for the most part and experience it deep internally. Hmmm… or maybe we just think we’re hiding it and really we’re not. Sean has made comments in the past that tell us he can sense and see it.

Whatever. Just needed to bitch and whine. Just fucking exhausted and barely making it right now. We’ve been doing too much this past weekend and week and it is totally taking its gigantic toll on us. When shit like this happens without meaning to have these reactions and crap, it just makes us realize why the fuck we can’t work and function and that we’re still not ready to go back to work. And right now with some money probs and worries cuz of some other stuff happening, working would really help right now but we just can’t do it. The cost is way too high and we’d crash and burn and fuck it all up and also be a total hell to be living with and omg, we can remember so clearly those crazy ass days. This isn’t self-fulfilling it is just the fucking reality and it sucks that it is that way. Oh well the hell. Back to trying to get shit done and to keep trudging away at this whole healing journey and getting our life and system together. We’re just so damn exhausted with everything, emotionally and physically.

B.J.

At the moment we are having some severe allergies or something… I’m hoping it is allergies in a way because I hate being sick and it really doesn’t quite seem like a cold, but it might be a cold or potentially develop from allergies into a cold.  Either way, we are miserably stuffed up and constantly blowing our nose and sound congested with the whole nasal throat thing going on.  The annoying thing is that taking a 24 hour allergy pill just doesn’t seem to be helping much.  I suppose it helps somewhat, but it just isn’t the magic pill that takes our symptoms away.  Bleh, complaining and whining here, but what better place than a journal for that.

It feels like we’ve been in this constant state of fluxation and change and transition for so long and it looks like it is going to continue for another 3-6 months at this point and that is rather exhausting to think about.  We’ve had 3 moves since either the end of 2006 or the beginning of 2007.  We’re actually still slowly working on the 3rd move happening and so that isn’t complete yet and it will be awhile longer before it is complete.  Additionally we suddenly found ourselves very unexpectedly in a serious relationship that is leading to marriage and hopefully at some point a child or children. Meanwhile we’ve had a number of therapists since losing Wendy in March of 2006, and although we did find Cec who has been helpful and we’ve been seeing her for some time now, we’ve known she isn’t the one who is best suited for us for very long term therapy.  So now we’re in a transition of seeing Cec and Kathy while we get ourselves settled in with Kathy.  There’s a bit more to all of that at the moment, but we’re trying to only highlight things right now.  Kathy is planning on being in the area and working for 10 years or more and so although anything can happen and change for either of us, everything is at least looking long term enough to finish up therapy with her.  She’s a good fit in many areas for our needs and ideas of what kind of therapist we are looking for to help us.  That is the hopeful and good news but it also comes bittersweet because we are having to start all over again with a therapist. There’s so much history to fill in and groundwork that needs to be laid down and so there is that frustrating component and we are feeling the pinch of time even stronger than ever as marriage and our own family becomes a reality in a few years.  We have SO MUCH work that our system would like to see done and accomplished in such a short time frame and when coupled with all the other dynamics and issues of everything, it just doesn’t seem like it is going to happen in the manner we envision or hope for.  I suppose we need to put into words what it is that we really envision or hope for and we will have to make that a therapy writing assignment for another day. Mostly we are trying to look at all of this as an opportunity to bring together all the years of our prior therapy and assimilate and associate all of that past information as we bring Kathy up to date and also as we progress in therapy with her.  We have a vague idea of how to go about doing that, but I imagine we will have to write about that as well at some point and put it into words with a more tangible form of measurement and concrete ideas.

We’ve had so very little time on the computer lately and in a sense, for quite some time now.  We finally got our computer over to Sean’s house instead of using a secondary computer that was used by our roommates, but then some additional things changed shortly after our computer came over and so it’s just impacted our time on the computer even more.  Sean and I have been trying to work on some things so that changes and is available to us and to him as well, but the ideal change is yet to come in the future.  So it will still be touch and go in some ways and we’re just trying to adjust to this change and structure that is very outside our norm or comfort zone.  

We’re exhausted.  We had therapy today with Kathy and tomorrow we see Cec and then Thursday we see our psychiatrist.  We also have to find another psychiatrist since this pdoc is through the agency and we can’t see this pdoc without having therapy there and stuff and anyway, it’s a long drive or long bus ride anyway.  

So hopefully we can actually start writing here again on a more frequent basis.  We know we’ve said this before, but our intentions truly are there, and we’re continuing to work on things so that they settle down and so we can settle back into writing.  It also seems like maybe the writing block and struggle to write may also have broken down a bit.  I think some of that has to do with the inspiration and renewed encouragement of having a new therapist that we can trust (well trying hard to trust and everything says we should be able to trust it and her) will be there for a long while and whom meets our needs right now in areas Cec just can’t and hasn’t been able to do.  We have nothing negative to say about Cec as she is a good therapist and her style does work for some inside, but not for all and not for our overall system, and even still, there were some things that we need in general as a system that we just weren’t able to have met by Cec. So anyway, that’s just a little bit of what’s swirling around in our thoughts and heart and life.

Julie/s

I’ve been learning about myself and especially Julie or The Julies really learning more about me and crap.  It’s totally interesting as they are like things I knew about myself and whatever but never really had it cement itself or connect on some level like it is now.  And like Julie is really getting to know me way more right now and understanding my triggers and my issues that will get me to react or respond or whatever ya wanna call it. So even though some shit has really hit the fan and even though things have been really crappy and I don’t know what the hell is gonna happen or be decided as far as our system goes about some shit, there is at least some learning taking place.  So that’s all good.

We got our computer and stuff moved over late last night from our apt to Sean’s house.  It’s been unloaded from his car.  So we’ll be setting that up soon.  I think that’s gonna make a big difference in writing.  I sure as hell hope so cuz crap keeps swirling around inside and we are constantly thinking about writing this or that and stuff and it doesn’t happen.  I think we’re getting closer to that changing.  Which is so fucking necessary cuz there is just so much crap we’ve been thinking about and processing.  So much unsaid and so many issues and things we need to explore and put to rest.  So like life is happening.

I decided Saturday that I think Kathy is definitely going to work as our therapist.  It’s good I got a chance to meet her face to face instead of watching and checking her out otherwise that way.  I was surprised at how relaxed I felt and how quiet people inside were about this or that when I was just chilled and my regular self and not my annoyed or pissy or irritated or whatever self.  It was pretty weird.  I was way more comfortable being out with Kathy than I was the first time with Cec.  Well I got passionate or whatever about some shit I was talking about and so my pissy and bitchy self was there.  I mean it’s all me.  Just unlike what Julie thought for years a long time ago, I ain’t always fucking pissed off and I’m not always worked up about something and not always blah blah blah about something where people are all, “chill out.”  Usually for people who don’t know it’s me, they are all like, “CALM DOWN, Julie.”  Eh, whatever.  There’s a damn good reason I’m annoyed or irritated or pissed off about something.  Ha of course that damn good reason is from my perspective.  It’s all about perspectives.

It’s totally weird right now cuz in this latest deal, I’ve been realizing how much I’m “growing up” and changing and shit.  I mean I can see that I’ve come a long way from who I was years ago.  So that’s kinda interesting.  I want to stay myself and who I am or whatever and not have my style cramped by the Julies or Julie cuz I like being me but I guess I’m more open to being sort of different if it makes sense to me or is healthier or whatever.  I mean I’ve got all this psych crap stored in here and I can look at shit and myself or open to hearing what people got to say about me if they fucking explain shit to me cuz it is still hard to see myself as others might see me and there’s like basic stuff that I worry I don’t get or understand cuz it’s never been my thing to know or care about it as much since I’ve been all about protection and Julie’s all about people’s feelings and pc shit and way more dynamics than I ever worry about.  I stick with the basics and bottom line shit and Julie adds in all this other crap.  Okay well fine, it ain’t all Julie that does that.  There’s others inside here that do that.

Well I’ve written a book and a half.  So that’s it for now.  Just wanted to get a journal entry up and to say something.

Billie

We’ve been awake since 5 or 6 am. The last two nights we’ve woken up after only a few hours of sleep. Tried falling back asleep, but then finally got up. Now we should be getting ready to go to DSHS to get this done and make a phone call to Cec to try and see her today. She didn’t return our call from last week to make an appt with her. This bothers us, but we’re trying to give her the benefit of the doubt until we can speak with her– something Wendy taught us and that we’re appreciative of.

In some ways it just seems easier to wait another week to see Cec and take care of this medical stuff tomorrow or Friday. In other ways I know we really, really need therapy right now. A lot of stuff is going on and therapy is just so very much needed.

All we want to do is to go back to bed and hopefully sleep, but I know that means we’ll probably be in bed until this afternoon. We have so much to do around here, business oriented stuff and personally, and yet we seem to only be able to do a little bit a day and sometimes not much of anything. I feel depressed and sad and something… something I recognize so very much. My heart aches inside and I feel the weights of so many things that I’m carrying. And sadness, such deep sadness within.

Such is life.

Julie

Mostly we just find it interesting and wanted to document how we’ve noticed how something benign and minor in a lot of ways can affect us so quickly and exhaust us to the point that we can’t seem to push past it without laying down in bed and taking a nap…with the hope it will have subsided by the time we wake up.

It’s not just this example… there are so many.  It’s like one thing can so easily throw us off course in the day or night and we’ve suddenly gone from managing, coping, or surviving, or perhaps even doing okay or well to this drastic non-functioning mode.  We’re still trying to pay more attention to it and document it because we’re really trying to understand this pattern and dynamic and how to get a handle on it instead of it handling us.

This also seems to be connected or tied in somehow to the whole ‘only able to really focus on one major thing at a time’ sort of thing.  And yet that sounds so crazy, being multiple and all.  It’s hard to explain and put into words because we’re trying to recognize it and understand this dynamic as well.  One example we can think of is how when we’re at Sean’s house, it’s like that’s ‘our world,’ and even though we know in the background there is this and that we need to do or take care of and is on our agenda, there’s still like a big concentration on being with him/them and living at his place and whatever is going on around us there. We also tend to ‘disappear’ from staying in contact with our other friends or journaling.  We’re working on changing that though.

This weekend our big focus has been our kitchen cabinets.  It’s taken us days and hours, but there have been tons and tons of breaks.  On one hand our only focus has been the cabinets… in that we can’t really cope with much of anything else and we are struggling to get it done and can’t cope with taking on anything else, even though there are tons of other things we need to be doing and there are friends locally we could be visiting or helping in some way. But we can only focus or handle the cabinets.  Yet that isn’t entirely true because we’ve had numerous breaks and often they are hours long breaks after a short bit of working on the cabinets.  The breaks have basically involved either the computer or napping or sleeping.  It seems the kids and some of us older ones as well have been taking breaks and visiting our neopet and playing lots of neopets word games and so forth.  Somehow playing word games justifies the time spent playing those games.  And of course we like word games anyway.  Plus just general web surfing or email a bit, but a lot of that has been reading.  It’s just that the whole idea of doing other necessary tasks that are critical and urgent things on our business to do list– we can’t cope with them because we’re dealing with the kitchen cabinets.  And if we did cope with them, the kitchen cabinets would have to go.  Rather than going back and forth between them.  And this whole weekend has really been about those stupid kitchen cabinets, which by the way, we’re nearly done with them.  Seriously.  A few more steps and that is it.  Then comes cleaning everything again before putting them away in the cabinets with organization and order.  Uggh.  The sad and shame thing is that we were feeling so much anxiety and being overwhelmed with it all that we couldn’t handle leaving the house to go visit our nephews or the mother to help her with something she needs help on.  Part of it is that we’re leaving out of town in a little over a week for a week with Sean and so that always stresses us out to go out of town, even if it is a good and pleasant trip kind of thing.  And I think when we have more “order and togetherness” in our life that leaving out of town won’t cause nearly as much anxiety as it does for us “to leave.”  But “to leave” is another huge thing for us too.  We have huge issues around ‘leaving’ anywhere that we are at.  Now I just thought while writing it that perhaps it has to do with the whole dissociation factor of ‘leaving,’ and perhaps that is why we always have anxiety and stress and stuff around it.  I don’t know.  I still haven’t figured out exactly what the deal is with ‘leaving’ people or places.

And really when we re-read all of that and think about it, we wouldn’t have been able to cope with going anywhere at all this weekend until we get these darn cabinets done.  We’re just sticking our feet in this and plowing away until they are done, even though it is taking us days and hours to get any of it done.  Had we just stayed with it from the beginning it would have only totaled out to be a few hours (perhaps longer than that), but really, they would have been done in a day for sure.

We’ve written a lot and need to get back to the cabinets before we lose our energy.  We actually were going to write about something else that is really hard to write about and so we ended up writing all of this… which is important too.

julie/s and Julie/s