Tag Archive for ‘Day-To-Day’

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General Change Update

April 21, 2009 at 7:05 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Julie/s. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

We’re finally writing again and truly hoping we will actually begin writing here on a regular basis.  We’ve begun writing a little bit in our handwritten journal/s and so that is a positive sign that we hope will continue and extend further into writing here as well.  There is so much to write about and update on that it is a bit overwhelming.

At the moment we are having some severe allergies or something… I’m hoping it is allergies in a way because I hate being sick and it really doesn’t quite seem like a cold, but it might be a cold or potentially develop from allergies into a cold.  Either way, we are miserably stuffed up and constantly blowing our nose and sound congested with the whole nasal throat thing going on.  The annoying thing is that taking a 24 hour allergy pill just doesn’t seem to be helping much.  I suppose it helps somewhat, but it just isn’t the magic pill that takes our symptoms away.  Bleh, complaining and whining here, but what better place than a journal for that.

It feels like we’ve been in this constant state of fluxation and change and transition for so long and it looks like it is going to continue for another 3-6 months at this point and that is rather exhausting to think about.  We’ve had 3 moves since either the end of 2006 or the beginning of 2007.  We’re actually still slowly working on the 3rd move happening and so that isn’t complete yet and it will be awhile longer before it is complete.  Additionally we suddenly found ourselves very unexpectedly in a serious relationship that is leading to marriage and hopefully at some point a child or children. Meanwhile we’ve had a number of therapists since losing Wendy in March of 2006, and although we did find Cec who has been helpful and we’ve been seeing her for some time now, we’ve known she isn’t the one who is best suited for us for very long term therapy.  So now we’re in a transition of seeing Cec and Kathy while we get ourselves settled in with Kathy.  There’s a bit more to all of that at the moment, but we’re trying to only highlight things right now.  Kathy is planning on being in the area and working for 10 years or more and so although anything can happen and change for either of us, everything is at least looking long term enough to finish up therapy with her.  She’s a good fit in many areas for our needs and ideas of what kind of therapist we are looking for to help us.  That is the hopeful and good news but it also comes bittersweet because we are having to start all over again with a therapist. There’s so much history to fill in and groundwork that needs to be laid down and so there is that frustrating component and we are feeling the pinch of time even stronger than ever as marriage and our own family becomes a reality in a few years.  We have SO MUCH work that our system would like to see done and accomplished in such a short time frame and when coupled with all the other dynamics and issues of everything, it just doesn’t seem like it is going to happen in the manner we envision or hope for.  I suppose we need to put into words what it is that we really envision or hope for and we will have to make that a therapy writing assignment for another day. Mostly we are trying to look at all of this as an opportunity to bring together all the years of our prior therapy and assimilate and associate all of that past information as we bring Kathy up to date and also as we progress in therapy with her.  We have a vague idea of how to go about doing that, but I imagine we will have to write about that as well at some point and put it into words with a more tangible form of measurement and concrete ideas.

We’ve had so very little time on the computer lately and in a sense, for quite some time now.  We finally got our computer over to Sean’s house instead of using a secondary computer that was used by our roommates, but then some additional things changed shortly after our computer came over and so it’s just impacted our time on the computer even more.  Sean and I have been trying to work on some things so that changes and is available to us and to him as well, but the ideal change is yet to come in the future.  So it will still be touch and go in some ways and we’re just trying to adjust to this change and structure that is very outside our norm or comfort zone.  

We’re exhausted.  We had therapy today with Kathy and tomorrow we see Cec and then Thursday we see our psychiatrist.  We also have to find another psychiatrist since this pdoc is through the agency and we can’t see this pdoc without having therapy there and stuff and anyway, it’s a long drive or long bus ride anyway.  

So hopefully we can actually start writing here again on a more frequent basis.  We know we’ve said this before, but our intentions truly are there, and we’re continuing to work on things so that they settle down and so we can settle back into writing.  It also seems like maybe the writing block and struggle to write may also have broken down a bit.  I think some of that has to do with the inspiration and renewed encouragement of having a new therapist that we can trust (well trying hard to trust and everything says we should be able to trust it and her) will be there for a long while and whom meets our needs right now in areas Cec just can’t and hasn’t been able to do.  We have nothing negative to say about Cec as she is a good therapist and her style does work for some inside, but not for all and not for our overall system, and even still, there were some things that we need in general as a system that we just weren’t able to have met by Cec. So anyway, that’s just a little bit of what’s swirling around in our thoughts and heart and life.

Julie/s

Hey From Billie

March 22, 2009 at 6:36 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Billie. Tags: , , , , . 1 Comment

So I’ve been dealing with a lot of crap.  I’ve been thinking about a lot of crap too.  Mostly don’t have much time or the energy to say what all it is and some shit I’d have to not say cuz of confidentiality.  So anyway, I met our new therapist (Kathy) for the first time yesterday.  It went well.  Once again, oddly well for comfort level, acceptance, and all that jazz.  So that’s cool.  We keep experiencing that with Kathy in comparison to other therapists we’ve seen the last few years.  So it’s pretty cool and gives us hope that this might actually work out really good with her.

I’ve been learning about myself and especially Julie or The Julies really learning more about me and crap.  It’s totally interesting as they are like things I knew about myself and whatever but never really had it cement itself or connect on some level like it is now.  And like Julie is really getting to know me way more right now and understanding my triggers and my issues that will get me to react or respond or whatever ya wanna call it. So even though some shit has really hit the fan and even though things have been really crappy and I don’t know what the hell is gonna happen or be decided as far as our system goes about some shit, there is at least some learning taking place.  So that’s all good.

We got our computer and stuff moved over late last night from our apt to Sean’s house.  It’s been unloaded from his car.  So we’ll be setting that up soon.  I think that’s gonna make a big difference in writing.  I sure as hell hope so cuz crap keeps swirling around inside and we are constantly thinking about writing this or that and stuff and it doesn’t happen.  I think we’re getting closer to that changing.  Which is so fucking necessary cuz there is just so much crap we’ve been thinking about and processing.  So much unsaid and so many issues and things we need to explore and put to rest.  So like life is happening.

I decided Saturday that I think Kathy is definitely going to work as our therapist.  It’s good I got a chance to meet her face to face instead of watching and checking her out otherwise that way.  I was surprised at how relaxed I felt and how quiet people inside were about this or that when I was just chilled and my regular self and not my annoyed or pissy or irritated or whatever self.  It was pretty weird.  I was way more comfortable being out with Kathy than I was the first time with Cec.  Well I got passionate or whatever about some shit I was talking about and so my pissy and bitchy self was there.  I mean it’s all me.  Just unlike what Julie thought for years a long time ago, I ain’t always fucking pissed off and I’m not always worked up about something and not always blah blah blah about something where people are all, “chill out.”  Usually for people who don’t know it’s me, they are all like, “CALM DOWN, Julie.”  Eh, whatever.  There’s a damn good reason I’m annoyed or irritated or pissed off about something.  Ha of course that damn good reason is from my perspective.  It’s all about perspectives.

It’s totally weird right now cuz in this latest deal, I’ve been realizing how much I’m “growing up” and changing and shit.  I mean I can see that I’ve come a long way from who I was years ago.  So that’s kinda interesting.  I want to stay myself and who I am or whatever and not have my style cramped by the Julies or Julie cuz I like being me but I guess I’m more open to being sort of different if it makes sense to me or is healthier or whatever.  I mean I’ve got all this psych crap stored in here and I can look at shit and myself or open to hearing what people got to say about me if they fucking explain shit to me cuz it is still hard to see myself as others might see me and there’s like basic stuff that I worry I don’t get or understand cuz it’s never been my thing to know or care about it as much since I’ve been all about protection and Julie’s all about people’s feelings and pc shit and way more dynamics than I ever worry about.  I stick with the basics and bottom line shit and Julie adds in all this other crap.  Okay well fine, it ain’t all Julie that does that.  There’s others inside here that do that.

Well I’ve written a book and a half.  So that’s it for now.  Just wanted to get a journal entry up and to say something.

Billie

Just Another Morning

October 1, 2008 at 8:52 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julie. Tags: , , , , , , , , . 0 Comments

I need to go and get my Medicaid taken care of today at DSHS as it really needs to be done this morning, particularly if I want to try and see Cec today. We’ve been out of therapy since the beginning of September. That is never good for us at all. We called DSHS yesterday and the final part on their end had been taken care of and so all that was left was turning in a bill for our spenddown. We were realizing as well earlier this morning that we probably don’t have that many more times that we can utilize this bill before all the portions of it are used up for the spenddowns, at which point we won’t be seeing Cec anymore. So more pressure and a push to find someone privately that we can make payment arrangements with and someone that takes Medicare. There’s other reasons besides that one that we need to find another therapist, but that is one of them.

We’ve been awake since 5 or 6 am. The last two nights we’ve woken up after only a few hours of sleep. Tried falling back asleep, but then finally got up. Now we should be getting ready to go to DSHS to get this done and make a phone call to Cec to try and see her today. She didn’t return our call from last week to make an appt with her. This bothers us, but we’re trying to give her the benefit of the doubt until we can speak with her– something Wendy taught us and that we’re appreciative of.

In some ways it just seems easier to wait another week to see Cec and take care of this medical stuff tomorrow or Friday. In other ways I know we really, really need therapy right now. A lot of stuff is going on and therapy is just so very much needed.

All we want to do is to go back to bed and hopefully sleep, but I know that means we’ll probably be in bed until this afternoon. We have so much to do around here, business oriented stuff and personally, and yet we seem to only be able to do a little bit a day and sometimes not much of anything. I feel depressed and sad and something… something I recognize so very much. My heart aches inside and I feel the weights of so many things that I’m carrying. And sadness, such deep sadness within.

Such is life.

Julie