Tag Archive for ‘Dissociation’

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sadness, hurting, and also body stuff

June 21, 2009 at 5:23 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies, julies (lc), others (lc) and Unknown. Tags: , , , , , , , . 0 Comments

we are having a really hard time.  there’s just no energy and no ability to get anything done and yet we are surrounded with so many things we need to do.  there’s even some pressure (mostly pressure we put on ourselves but not necessarily so far off of reality that the pressure is there in other forms outside us) to get some things done around the house and stuff.  it’s just so damn hard  lately.

i think it’s cuz we’ve been working so very hard in therapy and it is taking its toll on us.  i guess we’re supposed to expect or at least be able to cope with the after effects of therapy but it is so so hard and painful and so exhausting.  we are wondering if we need to pull back some and slow down some of the stuff but we think others inside are just focused on pushing harder and pushing forward on things and that we can cope with it.  well some of us think not!  the sadness entrenches us.  how do we get rid of it? i mean besides making it go away but really it doesn’t go away just somewhere buried inside.

we think too all this therapy and crap is just too much for the other Julies as they just get so worn out easily by lots of stuff and especially since they are kind of working through some of this with us, well ya know, vicariously working through the stuff they know about and are aware of.  it doesn’t take too much emotions and therapy stuff to totally wipe out the Julies if they can’t stay far enough away from it.

we are wondering if we need to do a forced dissociation in order to get stuff done but not sure how long it would really last.  but like in therapy when things are too much or have hit a strong triggering point where the ones pushing to do the talking and telling and emotions and stuff have pushed as far as they can against the ones trying to keep everything silent and nothing happened its not true and all that stuff, well, a weird kind of jolt and snap and jerk of the head and boom we are totally fine and nothing happened, it’s not true, no feelings, nothing, just utter and totally fine and okay and perfectly normal with no problems and no issues.  so like maybe we need to try and use that as sort of a forced thing when we’re like this.  not sure if we can but maybe we could try and see.   and we have no idea if we can control it like that but guess it is worth trying.  but doing any of that by itself takes energy too.  and we have so little of it.  so little physical and so very little emotionally at this point too.

it really sucks being anemic too and we need to schedule an appt with our regular dr. because looking online it talks about how it is important to find out the cause of it.  maybe then we can actually get our vit b12 and folic acid and vit d and whatever else needs to be checked as possible causes of anemia.  we’ve been wanting our vit b12 and vit d checked for so long but always afraid to just ask outright and afraid if the dr. says no b/c for whatever reason it isn’t “medically necessary” or they don’t want to b/c we didn’t convince them enough that it is merited then we are screwed in the future and will have to prove so much harder that it is medically necessary to have evaluated.  we are pretty sure they are totally low and we need vit b12 shots and special vit d pills.  we just suspect it is also contributing to our problems.  our sleep dr. tested and found the anemia and we’re taking supplements but we’re still exhausted and we know it’s going to take time and we’re also looking at upping the double dosage he is already prescribing to us.  we are thinking of taking a different brand and type of iron supplement in addition to the kind and mg he prescribed.

and for all this time, for many years, we’ve thought that our fatigue was associated with our depression and just being a fuck up and stuff.  now we’re wondering if we’ve been anemic for years now.  our regular dr. checked our iron when we went in to see her awhile back but she didn’t do the extensive testing.  the sleep dr did and he found it that way.  she just diagnosed us with chronic fatigue syndrome and maybe we have that but maybe we don’t.  i don’t know.  we just hate being tired all the time.  and this has been our life for years now.  having no energy to do crap and any small thing (taking shower, emptying dishwasher) wears us out and puts us back to bed to lay down which often leads to several hours of sleep.

so whine, whine, whine.  we’re having a hard time.  we hurt emotionally and sometimes physically but i think we still dissociate a lot of our body pain.  we get weird ass pains in various places in our body but we just cope with it and deal with it.  we’re emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted and the depression is just doing its damndest to suck us up and really, we think with the therapy stuff we’re doing lately, we think we’re experiencing a lot of grief even though we’re not sure what exactly it is we’re experiencing other than deep sadness and just our system is struggling.

we can’t put into words yet quite what is going on.  sorry this is so stupid.  just we hate things right now.  it’s so crazy how we can plummet so far and so fast and we forget sometimes how very easy and very close we always are to this place.  we’ve been struggling but getting through and we’re used to that… things being hard with varying moments of coping ok and varying crappy times, but now things are not just hard and barely getting through, they just fucking suck and we feel like we’re falling with nothing to hold onto to stop.

stupid us.

julies, and others we think

Therapy Update

June 9, 2009 at 10:51 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies. Tags: , , , . 1 Comment

We continue to work on stuff related to the neighbor boy and the issues surrounding the abuse. We’ve had times in therapy where we took a break from the topic and talked about issues pertaining to the mother and our family history and family dynamics, etc., and whatever else seemed pertinent at the moment. For the most part though, we still are pushing ourselves and making a concerted effort to stay focused on the subject matter of this neighbor boy and the ramifications it has had on our life and amongst others inside.

It is really hard to face this stuff. We have been making strides in saying his name more in therapy and in group, but it is still too much to actually write his name down for anyone to see. We HATE his name with a huge passion. His name is triggering and thankfully very uncommon, but nevertheless, for years his name or the word that sounds like his name (just a different spelling) has always reminded us of him on some level, and that word is very common. It does seem that the more we push ourselves to say his name the less power his name has over us. Funny how that works. Ha. It’s so obvious of a thing to do and yet in the past and to some extent still today, it is so hard to do and the difficulty buries the obvious solution to it.

We were talking about one of the bigger issues on a larger scope of things and yet so central to so much of it for us at this time, and somehow in talking with Kathy it seems that we may be slowly coming to some sort of ‘peace’ or rather resolution to this issue. It’s still far too sensitive of an issue to write here just yet. We’re just not that brave yet about it. I told Kathy that I couldn’t tell if it was because the real feelings and stuff were so dissociated right now or if perhaps there was an actual hint of peace on this headed our way. It is too hard yet to decipher clearly because when talking to her today, there was no real emotion nearby and it was so matter of fact. We imagined that if anyone was listening and observing us that they would think we were making it up since we were speaking about the subject matter as if it was no big deal. But it is a huge deal. Just we were and really in many ways, we’re so far away from the emotions right now. I think we just have to be. I can sense the deep sadness inside, but I also can sense the utter desperation to stay back from it because to get too close to it means being swallowed up by it and coming face to face with the past realities and truths and horrors.

Therapy with Kathy is going incredibly well. It is so amazingly easy to talk to her and tell her things and there is little or no ramifications (that I know of) for sharing so much with her. She is a very accepting and non-judgmental person and just a great therapist for us.

Anyway, we’ve been dealing with a lot of day to day stuff lately and trying to keep a handle on those things while also working as hard as we can in therapy. There’s still so many changes that we’re trying to adjust to…changes within us, with what we’re doing, outside us in our life, etc.

We’re exhausted and going to try and fall asleep tonight at a decent hour. We’ll see how that goes…

Julies

The Storm Before He Visits

September 24, 2008 at 1:30 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julie/s and System Wars. Tags: , , , , . 0 Comments

I feel like a fucking idiot and that I’m whining and making a big deal out of nothing.  Who the fuck cares that the father is showing up and visiting.  He won’t be at our house.  He won’t be at Sean’s.  So what is our problem?  I know he won’t hurt me physically.  What I really mean, but not saying explicitly, is that I know he won’t hurt us sexually.  I don’t know if others inside understand that.  I sort of feel and kind of think that they should know that, but then I also sort of feel and know that there are those that don’t understand that.  But there’s that part of me that is so frustrated by the whole fucking thing.  Like the whole, “GET A GRIP.”  I guess it is about just forgetting, pretending, ignoring, and distancing.  Dissociating.  Like that’s what this part is about.  Pushing, promoting, forcing the dissociation.  That sounds harsh and it probably isn’t the best way to describe it, but in a way, it is kind of like that.

I hear some inside screaming at me to shut up and are angry with what I’ve written thus far and are telling me how I have it all wrong and to shut the fuck up.  I’m fighting to stay here.  To keep going forward with writing…. something, anything, but to stop staying silent.

The father’s visit seems to be bringing up a lot of inner turmoil and the whole constant therapy issues are just playing out big time inside.  Someone inside while I was writing that was commenting very sarcastically, “You Think?” Most of it is about whether it is true that he abused me/us.  The constant battle inside between he hurt us and what if you’re/we’re wrong and it can’t be true and on and on it goes.  There’s so much more, but it is farther away now and I don’t want to venture there.  I’d rather just let it be forgotten until the next time I have to be sucked into it or delve into it.

I feel stupid and bad to struggle to believe the others inside that he abused them.  I know I should believe them.  And I know their pain is real.  I do believe that.  I just have such a hard time sometimes believing the father did all these things to “me.”  And oddly I can go back and forth on this issue and feel or say strongly he did in one moment and then say the complete opposite in another moment.  It seems to depend on who is nearby or something and is influencing my beliefs.  So often I feel like I don’t have an opinion and I don’t know anything.  That I’m just this vessel with very little or no beliefs and opinions and I just sway to and fro depending upon who inside is near at any given moment or whatever outside conditions lead me into believing for one reason or another.  I can hear numerous sides to a situation and be swayed in any direction.  Except for certain things and really I think it is those things that go deep to the soul or core or at least cover a vast majority inside.  Then those are times where there is a definite firm belief or feeling or whatever that comes from within and exudes outward.  I feel my strongest and most powerful in those moments.  Not powerful in a bad sense… just so unbelievably strong and capable and empowered.  Ahh, yes, that word is more accurate.  I’ve come to learn how amazing our system can be and how awesome it is when our system unites on something and works together towards something.  They are very rare moments in time and brief, but wow, to have experienced it and to realize that’s what is causing that experience, well that was incredible to me.  I can’t really and truly remember the feelings and the experience, but I do recall the knowledge and know the gist of it, and aspire to have that unity somehow.  When I contrast that experience to how we live daily, I then realize that we really and truly are not united and not working together really other than survival.  I’m also unsure what sparks that massive unity or how to get that kind of united level and working together thing.  When I try to think about it, I can only figure out that it correlates to having been pushed beyond our maximum limit and survival and sanity and something I can’t describe becomes paramount to us and so we unite on a cause.  Uggh, I feel stupid as I write this, as though I sound like I know what I’m talking about when I really don’t feel that way or believe I do.  It’s sort of like I kind of know something, at least a little bit about it, but I can’t remember it really and I don’t really know it like I know other things and so I start talking and writing out of my ass thinking it might be somewhat accurate, but I worry and fear it might not be.  To not be wholly accurate on something and in describing, explaining, whatever about something is like this horrid thing to us.  Accuracy, truth, thoroughness, completeness, detailed, analyzed, etc., is so so so important to us.  And without it or if we fail something along the lines, i.e., miss any tiny thing, then the anxiety and belief of failure and badness is so very strong.

We’ve gotten way off track.  We’ve been talking about writing something here about the father, but we haven’t done that here.  We were thinking of writing something that outlined the things we know for sure he did, beyond any doubt or denial, and then write an outline list of the things others inside have said and the flashbacks we’ve/I’ve had and sort of list them all and maybe somehow it will help the reality sink in or something.  It seems like it might help, but I don’t know.  I guess it is a starting point.

Oh G-d, I wish I wasn’t such a fucking baby about my father coming.  He can’t hurt me.  He’s a wimp and an idiot.  He’s just my father.  So why the hell for all the fear and anxiety? I wish I could turn it off.  I mean I could, but wow, they aren’t letting me totally turn it off.  And it is only right that I know what’s going on inside and know how others inside are feeling, etc.

I just keep hearing how I’m making a big deal over nothing.  That I’m a baby.  That I’m being melodramatic.  How I just need to stop thinking and talking about it because it’s no big deal and I’m a baby and to just get over it.  It’s done.  It’s over.  There’s nothing to talk about.  It’s no big deal.  Don’t be melodramatic.  Stop exaggerating your feelings.  Don’t worry people.  Don’t bother people.  Don’t hurt people.  Don’t tell.  Don’t let anyone know.  Don’t feel.  It’s no big deal.  Nothing happened.  It’s not true.

Julie/s