Tag Archive for 'Dissociation'

The Storm Before He Visits

Published
by
JAGA
on September 24, 2008
in Julie/s and System Wars
. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

I feel like a fucking idiot and that I’m whining and making a big deal out of nothing.  Who the fuck cares that the father is showing up and visiting.  He won’t be at our house.  He won’t be at Sean’s.  So what is our problem?  I know he won’t hurt me physically.  What I really mean, but not saying explicitly, is that I know he won’t hurt us sexually.  I don’t know if others inside understand that.  I sort of feel and kind of think that they should know that, but then I also sort of feel and know that there are those that don’t understand that.  But there’s that part of me that is so frustrated by the whole fucking thing.  Like the whole, “GET A GRIP.”  I guess it is about just forgetting, pretending, ignoring, and distancing.  Dissociating.  Like that’s what this part is about.  Pushing, promoting, forcing the dissociation.  That sounds harsh and it probably isn’t the best way to describe it, but in a way, it is kind of like that.

I hear some inside screaming at me to shut up and are angry with what I’ve written thus far and are telling me how I have it all wrong and to shut the fuck up.  I’m fighting to stay here.  To keep going forward with writing…. something, anything, but to stop staying silent.

The father’s visit seems to be bringing up a lot of inner turmoil and the whole constant therapy issues are just playing out big time inside.  Someone inside while I was writing that was commenting very sarcastically, “You Think?” Most of it is about whether it is true that he abused me/us.  The constant battle inside between he hurt us and what if you’re/we’re wrong and it can’t be true and on and on it goes.  There’s so much more, but it is farther away now and I don’t want to venture there.  I’d rather just let it be forgotten until the next time I have to be sucked into it or delve into it.

I feel stupid and bad to struggle to believe the others inside that he abused them.  I know I should believe them.  And I know their pain is real.  I do believe that.  I just have such a hard time sometimes believing the father did all these things to “me.”  And oddly I can go back and forth on this issue and feel or say strongly he did in one moment and then say the complete opposite in another moment.  It seems to depend on who is nearby or something and is influencing my beliefs.  So often I feel like I don’t have an opinion and I don’t know anything.  That I’m just this vessel with very little or no beliefs and opinions and I just sway to and fro depending upon who inside is near at any given moment or whatever outside conditions lead me into believing for one reason or another.  I can hear numerous sides to a situation and be swayed in any direction.  Except for certain things and really I think it is those things that go deep to the soul or core or at least cover a vast majority inside.  Then those are times where there is a definite firm belief or feeling or whatever that comes from within and exudes outward.  I feel my strongest and most powerful in those moments.  Not powerful in a bad sense… just so unbelievably strong and capable and empowered.  Ahh, yes, that word is more accurate.  I’ve come to learn how amazing our system can be and how awesome it is when our system unites on something and works together towards something.  They are very rare moments in time and brief, but wow, to have experienced it and to realize that’s what is causing that experience, well that was incredible to me.  I can’t really and truly remember the feelings and the experience, but I do recall the knowledge and know the gist of it, and aspire to have that unity somehow.  When I contrast that experience to how we live daily, I then realize that we really and truly are not united and not working together really other than survival.  I’m also unsure what sparks that massive unity or how to get that kind of united level and working together thing.  When I try to think about it, I can only figure out that it correlates to having been pushed beyond our maximum limit and survival and sanity and something I can’t describe becomes paramount to us and so we unite on a cause.  Uggh, I feel stupid as I write this, as though I sound like I know what I’m talking about when I really don’t feel that way or believe I do.  It’s sort of like I kind of know something, at least a little bit about it, but I can’t remember it really and I don’t really know it like I know other things and so I start talking and writing out of my ass thinking it might be somewhat accurate, but I worry and fear it might not be.  To not be wholly accurate on something and in describing, explaining, whatever about something is like this horrid thing to us.  Accuracy, truth, thoroughness, completeness, detailed, analyzed, etc., is so so so important to us.  And without it or if we fail something along the lines, i.e., miss any tiny thing, then the anxiety and belief of failure and badness is so very strong.

We’ve gotten way off track.  We’ve been talking about writing something here about the father, but we haven’t done that here.  We were thinking of writing something that outlined the things we know for sure he did, beyond any doubt or denial, and then write an outline list of the things others inside have said and the flashbacks we’ve/I’ve had and sort of list them all and maybe somehow it will help the reality sink in or something.  It seems like it might help, but I don’t know.  I guess it is a starting point.

Oh G-d, I wish I wasn’t such a fucking baby about my father coming.  He can’t hurt me.  He’s a wimp and an idiot.  He’s just my father.  So why the hell for all the fear and anxiety? I wish I could turn it off.  I mean I could, but wow, they aren’t letting me totally turn it off.  And it is only right that I know what’s going on inside and know how others inside are feeling, etc.

I just keep hearing how I’m making a big deal over nothing.  That I’m a baby.  That I’m being melodramatic.  How I just need to stop thinking and talking about it because it’s no big deal and I’m a baby and to just get over it.  It’s done.  It’s over.  There’s nothing to talk about.  It’s no big deal.  Don’t be melodramatic.  Stop exaggerating your feelings.  Don’t worry people.  Don’t bother people.  Don’t hurt people.  Don’t tell.  Don’t let anyone know.  Don’t feel.  It’s no big deal.  Nothing happened.  It’s not true.

Julie/s

The Belief Factor (my other brain is against me) Part One

Published
by
JAGA
on May 6, 2008
in Julies
. 0 Comments Tags: , .

I don’t know where to start and in a way it isn’t as though there is a beginning. I’m… we’re ?.. trying to process a new flashback?? snapshot picture thing with the father. I question the validity of it…afraid my brain is making it up or created something to ‘fit’ the reaction we had to a triggering sex act. I mean we chose to do something. even initiated it, and wanted to even though we knew we had to be careful and listen and try to be aware of our reactions to know when we had reached our limit of being able to handle it. I think we did okay and stopped before we went completely past our limit, but at the same time, I think something else or someone else(s) was triggered to cause us to respond even more sexually or to not stop when there were whispers and little quiet things hinting that we had reached a limit. I don’t think there was a switch externally, but something in me/us switched. It could be that someone was behind me or with me and I just thought that it was me or it was like something that is hard to describe–something in the brain switched over into a different thought process, awareness, headspace, etc. I guess that sounds like switching but I really thought that I was still there on some level and involved on some level, but maybe I wasn’t as much as I thought. I’m not sure–in some ways I’m trying to think it through and analyze and process this aspect and in other ways, it isn’t really the whole issue that brought us here to write about stuff. That is stuff I’ve lived with, how we handle things, etc.

It’s this other thing… flashbacks I guess or something my brain made up… that is troublesome. I can’t even remember how it ‘came to me’ last night. It’s now just there in my headspace and whenever I think about it or come close to it, it just flashes over and over at me like a slideshow of the same snapshot picture. Every now and then the picture might move just a fraction or show another angle (like as an observer of both the father and child) and show another angle to what appears to be the same moment in time. But I just can’t help worrying that I’m wrong about this. That this particular thing I’m seeing didn’t happen to me. That my father really didn’t do that to me. That my brain just made this up and showed this to me because if X sex act ends up with a distressing reaction at some point during or afterwards then that must equal my father and my brain must determine something to make sense of why it was upsetting and so it just makes up some picture memory and shows it to me. I don’t feel in control of this or my brain. I feel like my brain is its own entity. Hmm… I thought of it as my brain is its own entity against me. Then I heard or had a slightly differing opinion and rephrased that in my brain to “This brain of my brains is its own entity against me.” In other words, there is my brain that I normally think of as “my brain” and “own it” more or less and sometimes respect it for what it is and other times detest it simply because of self hatred, low self esteem or some other thing, such as replaying old tapes or negative programming (naturally or otherwise) that is active and disruptive to my brain. But all of that still feels like it is part of my brain. However there is this other brain of mine that is separate and against me. This seems to be the one that holds “so-called” memories. The brain I don’t have any control over. The one that seems against me, determined to make me seem like and be a liar. Determined to make me believe that horrible things happened that actually didn’t happen. My fear is that I will believe what this brain is telling me or showing me and then it will transfer over to ‘my brain’–the brain I will accept ownership of, and when it transfers over to my brain, then it will become (eventually, sometimes immediately other times a bit more gradually) to being truth. So then I will believe these visual memories and declare them true, speak of them, tell others about the horrible crimes my father or the neighbor boy(s) or the cult (if that is true for us) did to me/us. And the greatest fear is that ultimately down the line in the future, as we’re more healed or further along the healing journey and more pieces to a completely amnesiac life (more or less), that more of those pieces will come together and I will have a better idea of what really happened and then I will find out that it is all wrong, false, untrue, and that I’ve been super, horrifically bad, can’t possibly live for the lies I’ve believed and lies that I’ve told, and so absolutely MUST DIE. And I couldn’t bear to live and be around others that I love and care about because they will then know just how truly and horrifically bad we are and how disgusting and just not enough words could describe the sheer depth of badness, filth, dirtiness, unworthiness, for taking one breath of life all along. They would believe that we lied on purpose or somebody put this shit in our head or something and we would just be crazy and just again, horribly beyond words bad and unworthy beyond words to even have drawn one breath in the past and most certainly from that moment forward. And it would all be this “other brain’s fault” that was against me all along and did this to me/us and I/we believed it and made the wrong decision to believe it, and even worser (i know that isn’t a word or proper grammar but that is the word I heard from inside) to tell about it, speak it, and even worser than all of that–to tell about it and speak it as though it were really true and as though we really believed it and as though it really and truly happened.

At some point earlier in the above paragraph while we were writing it we debated on whether to change the title from “The Belief Factor” to “My other brain is against me.” I’m still not sure what we will ultimately decide upon.

This has really gotten long and so we’re going to make this a “part one” series of another part.

Julies and whomever else

Disoriented

Published
by
JAGA
on July 30, 2007
in Julie
. 0 Comments Tags: .

I woke up late this morning and I didn’t know where I was.  I was disoriented as I was waking up from my dream, but it also lasted a few minutes after I was really awake.  I just didn’t know where I was and it took a little bit of time before the information of ‘today’ processed through for me to know where I was and probably on another level, what year it was.

Julie