This what we remembers and we had it Thursday night um Friday morning day sometime and waked up from it but not write it down but now we writings it down with help from some bigs even though we still trying to talk and use usz words as much as we be allowed.

Scenes we remember. Forget all the stuff befores and after.

Daddy wearing a faded washed lots white t shirt that he wears under his shirts for work. We thinkin he wearing his blue air force pants cuz it not jeans and it just got that certain blue color on them. and he walking towards us with his hands down by his side with the ickies and scariest and yuckiest smile and attitude that he got power and control and he coming at us and he kinda mad at us but kinda amused at us but the kinda amused in the icky way of knowing he in power and control and we gonna try to or we fightings back and he know it not gonna work or nothing. And he walk towards us and we punch him with the strength of an infant a baby, really it barely touched him but we were kinda giving it all we had and kinda not and while doing that we were saying we hate you we hate you over and over and then started telling him he was lots of bad things. the words we remember saying but lots more things was said to him but the words we remember when we waked up is: you are scum of the earth. you are a piece of snot.

and we thinkin maybe we waked up after saying stuffs to him or maybe stuff happen and we not remember and then wake up. oh and we be all sweaty and stuff cuz we had a bad dream and it like a bad dream but not a bad dream cuz it be good things we do in bad dream. we NEVER EVER that we remembers ever tell daddy in usz dream that we hate him and he is a piece of snot and scum of the earth and lots of other bad things to him. and we never ever hit him in usz dream. and it be all new lately that we be dreaming and see him in usz dream cuz usually it juts lots of bad peoples or bad men or bad peoples that we not know or not recognize or not can see good sometimes and it all new the last year or two or maybe three years that we have dream where daddy show up sometimes and we not like it at all.

even ifin it be good the bad people turning into people we know and daddy be in dream and even if it be good we facing him and telling on him in usz dream cuz we had a dream about that before a few or more months ago and even if we be having those good things cuz of what they mean it still be a bad and scary and icky dream and we still got all ptsd and flashbacks of that stupid dream cuz we see him coming at us with those clothes just like he in front of us for reals right now and that smile and face and it all big in us mind and memory and all blowed up so big and scary and we notta like it at all and we hate it and we are bad and scared and bad ands it just scary it all changin and maybe he know we gots this dream and he be mad and sad and mad at usz and we just bad bad bad bad bad bad

the other part of dream or another dream around same time or maybe we go back to sleep and then wake up with this dream but it bother us but not so much flashback like the daddy thing but it still really clear this scene we remember. something happened or was going on that we can’t remember and we can’t find sean or zoi and we needs them and we looking for them and then we finally find them. we see zoi first and we so sad cuz at least 3 of her paws and bottom part of her legs are wrapped up like they be hurt and she not can stand or walk even though she was sitting up when we find her and we hug her and as we hug her we see behind her that sean is there but our memory of that part of dream is blurry and hazy and we woke up after that.

we just remembers that there another dream or scene we had too cuz we sleep and wake up and sleep lotta lots today friday during day and now it late friday night um saturday morning and so it confusing when we had what dream and what order but we think it lotta like this order we write. so we be in california on the afb we lived at and we going back there to visit as a grown up but still feeling little like a kid and the houses be all torn down and we remember that is what we found the last time we went back there. so the houses were like that and we were trying to remember or figure out what street was “our street” that we lived on b/c they had not only changed the street names when they destroyed the old houses and rebuilt entirely, but they also changed the layout of the neighborhood and so we were trying to figure out the approximation of where our old house stood and as we are doing that lots of kids of varying ages and military police began surrounding us but they were at a distance, like behind the walls of the backyards and just in general surrounding from various areas of the homes, streets, sidewalks, etc, but at a distance. more and more military police began coming closer to us in a surrounding formation and we were aware and yet trying to act innocent and stuff. i think we were sort of on a small kid bicycle or maybe a scooter or something, not necessarily just walking. and one of the mp’s got our attention and we stopped and we started to explain we used to live there and we were visiting and as we were looking past him and behind the walls of the backyards of the homes, we were trying to explain and tell him, see, this is the road to the main gate and this is the road to blah blah but in the process of looking and about to explain to him that we knew the area, things about it looked even stranger. we started to explain how it didn’t look right, the road didn’t look right and even the area behind the tall walls that were between the backyards and the road to the main gate that the grass was strange and that it was big and juicy and not grass but something else. in doing research for this, found out that it is actually Carpobrotus edulis (Hottentot-fig or iceplant). so we were trying to explain this when we were looking to our right (the opposite direction of where the main gate is supposed to be) and suddenly noticed water, lots of it, like the ocean was right behind the homes and it was moving as though it was stormy. then as we looked further to our right, we could tell that it was going to flood and overpower the homes and streets and that we had to move quickly to higher ground. we said something to that effect, hoping that the mp’s and the other people (mainly kids, teens, women) would start running quickly with us, behind us to higher ground, because we/i knew it was coming, this big flood of stormy ocean water and it was dangerous, but i remember thinking as i was running to my left and towards higher ground that suddenly appeared conveniently in my dream, that they didn’t believe me even though they saw it and it was so obvious and right in front of them and was going to head towards them. at one point while we were running and had reached the bottom of this huge mountain or cliff of dark brown gigantic boulder rocks that created a rocky, but climbable mountain that we looked back to see how close the water was to us and it was definitely heading toward us but we had a little bit more time to still get high enough for some kind of safety, although we knew time was seriously running out and we were going to get hit by the ocean/flood/stormy water before we reached the top, but we felt like we’d make it. i only remember in the dream focused on reaching the top, but i think there were others who eventually started running behind me and heading the same direction. i think (but not positive) that this is when we also started looking for sean and zoi and after reaching the top and then going into some kind of building, though the image of the building or any of that isn’t very clear… just i know it was some kind of enclosure that was very dark and it felt damp and cold, and then that’s when we found them and we were so relieved because we were missing them, needing them, worried, and wanted to be close to them for safety and security for all of us. i think we woke up shortly thereafter.

so some strange and intense dreams with lots of symbolism and some obvious or likely dream meanings to be found in them. We’ll probably write another entry about our thoughts on these things in a little while.

Time was spent researching and trying to find out what kind of grass or plant it was and when we discovered it was a type of ice plant that used to live behind the tall brick wall behind our house that separated our backyard from the ice plant, then the sidewalk, then the main road leading to the main gate and other parts of the afb. Anyway, now we are ‘bigger’ and that feels nice as we feel more stable being grown up at the moment since we’ve been primarily very young and struggling to be ‘big’ at all these last few days.

Julies, but earlier us, usz, and possibly some others

i feel different. i feel like julie and yet i don’t feel like her at all. and i don’t quite feel like i’m one of the julies. it’s strange. i guess really i’m just from a different group and really close to julie. like really close. i feel stupid and dumb that i can’t figure out who i am and what group i’m with and it makes me feel like we’re really a fake multiple and bad and stupid even though i know we’re not fake. i mean i know we’re multiple. we just have times where stuff like this is blocked when we come outside or close to the outside. i think sometimes this happens more often with multiples who have lots and lots of insiders, but maybe it happens to those who don’t have as many insiders too. i don’t know for sure. i can’t remember what other multiples with smaller systems have said they experienced. i just know that other large systems have said they experience the same thing sometimes. whatever. i got off track big time. oh well.

that right there tells me i’m definitely not julie cuz she writes and talks a bit differently, especially when she’s journaling. okay, someone inside is yelling at me to shut up and now they are saying shut the fuck up. so i better.

so we had this huge and i mean huge spiritual battle dream. there were tons and tons of people, more dark than light it seemed. and of course the dark people tricked us a lot into looking like the light people we knew sometimes and instead of being on our side and us trusting them, it would turn out that they were trying to kill us and suffocate us with the dark and overpower us and for us to know that they are everywhere and very powerful and we couldn’t get away or do anything to stop them or trust or turn to the light. that the light with jesus and god up in heaven can’t help us. that they are less powerful and weak. that the dark is everywhere and always powerful. that the only light there is, is the light that is dark. the dark light is everywhere and more powerful than the other light cuz it can trick us and make us think it is the real light and if they can do that, then of course they are more powerful and better than the other light because the other light can never trick us into thinking it is the dark cuz they wouldn’t ever want to cuz it is only about light. but if it was really all powerful it could be light and dark. and that is how the dark light is more powerful and better.

i don’t know where that came from but it came out without thinking really. somebody must have been writing with me and stuff. it’s kind of scary to think about or read that. so i won’t. well, not for awhile at least. i think the hands are shaking and starting to feel that scared and trembly feeling inside the body and in the fingers cuz we know we’re going to send this and people might read it. oh boy. oh well. we can do this. our voice is getting louder these days. it’s different than the kind of “oh well. we dare you to come get us (cause secretly we want you to so you will kill us for us) kind of louder voice. ” it’s the kind of louder voice of we’re stronger than you and we have people on our side and you can’t get us and if you do, you’re in big, big trouble. well, some inside are informing me that is not the case for other kids inside and they don’t believe that. i guess what matters is that some of us inside are starting to believe this and feel this and also take action by writing and sending and telling. so even if all of us are not there yet, a few of us at least are. that’s good. i think at least. no, i know that is good.

apparently we are having a hard time writing about this dream. mostly i don’t want to “go there” because it feels like it will drain everything out of me to really begin telling this dream and i need to get stuff done. we way overslept although we didn’t go to bed till like 4 or 5 or something in the morning. i don’t remember really. but still, we should have set our alarm, but we didn’t. i just figured we wouldn’t sleep more than a few hours since we usually wake up a little bit after a few hours anyway. but if we did, we fell back asleep. obviously.

so there were tons and tons of people. it kinda started with being with somebody that was sort of with law enforcement or something and we saw these dead people. they were “important people” meaning they came from money and had professional lives and so of course they were given a lot of time trying to figure out stuff. but it was weird. they were outside, partially dressed, sitting up and it looked like they had died while partying- i.e. while drinking beer cuz some had cups and stuff in their hand and they really looked alive, but well, ha, stiff. it was weird. a bathroom or something was nearby. there was some kind of thing where rape was indicated as possibly how they died or something weird happened afterwards. it’s all fuzzy right here but we were talking to that someone who had connections to the law enforcement and he was taking our ideas or thoughts as to what happened and who or something and listening and wanting to investigate, but investigate secretly from the other officers because he knew the other officers would scoff at these ideas. i have no idea what our ideas were, but anyway, the dream kind of shifts then to like something else. i can’t remember and it is fuzzy. i remember there is a baby that is quite limber and doing things babies can’t really do developmentally and i go to try and get him because i’m afraid for his safety and he is on this motorcycle or something that is indoors and there are other people around and at least one other kid or something. for some reason i can’t get up and i’m sitting and so i try to manipulate my body to reach him and get him before he gets hurt and i manage to get ahold of him but the motorcycle falls on me and i’m holding him and i can’t move and so i have to call for help. after i get him and am holding him he poops something nasty and i think it is kind of diarrhea or something cuz a little bit gets on my knee and apparently i’m wearing shorts so it is on my skin. i try not to gross out and go to the changing area but i don’t know where his diapers are or his diaper bag is. there is a changing area suddenly and sort of a daycare type room area with cubbies. and this kid is huge–he is a big kid… chunky and big and so he needs a big diaper, not just any regular diaper. and there’s about 4 diaper bags to choose from and for whatever reason, i think he is able to kind of communicate to me and so i’m asking him and he sort of tells me one bag, which i think is the one anyway, but i don’t totally trust that and so kind of take a peek at the other bags. so then i try to go change him. but i don’t remember actually changing him. there was some kind of distraction by the other people that were there all along. and then i don’t remember that part of the dream.

i think some other stuff about the investigation into those dead people happened. and then somehow i’m able to see dead people or something and they are following me. and someone else who can see dead people realizes that as well, but i try to act like i don’t know, etc. this part of the dream stuff happened but i can’t remember it really well. this is really hazy, even the part i wrote about.

then i’m in like a jail of some kind. and instead of seeing bars and stuff, i’m like above some kind of ramp or something that leads down to this big open area and in that big open area below me are all these prisoners. and i think of this place as a jail. and this is where it gets really confusing because i don’t remember all the pieces to it. but the gist is that these people are all dark. and the dead people following me are light. and somehow in all of this, a spiritual battle ensues. and of course the dark light is trying to get me and kill me and suck all the light out of me so that i’m dark light too. and we’re fighting it very hard. and there aren’t that many light people on my side to begin with. and they join the fight in general because they are sort of fighting for themselves too. a few try to protect me a bit (i think) as i can’t really remember, but it seems like some fight too not just for themselves but so i can be there, but some of that is cuz they need my help so they have more of a reason to fight for me versus just doing it for no selfless reason. we don’t remember this part all that well. lots and lots of stuff happened. we remember pieces but it is all out of order and sort of like snapshots of this or that, but no real data behind it.

so here’s those snapshots of things:

dogs were part of the fight a little bit or around a few times or maybe that was later in the dream

we were trying really hard to call upon god up in heaven and jesus to use their light to fight the dark and dark light. the dark was overpowering us and exhausting us. they were winning. they had more power and more people. they were killing (but not really killing) just killing in a different way those of us with the light. they were forcing us to their side where we had no more light in us, except dark light. but we were fighting so hard to not let them win.

then sometime much later in the dream and after much fighting and almost losing and after lots and lots of trickery on the dark light side. they were tricking us and making themselves appear as though they were people we knew already on the light side and thought they were safe but actually they were dark and had somehow transformed themselves to the light side and appeared physically like someone we knew that was on the light side. yet on the dark side they looked different physically. i don’t know the word, but they physically changed and made themselves appear as some of the ones on the light side fighting, so then we see them, thinking they are on the light side, but really they are on the dark side. and we find out much too late or almost too late. we feel stupid and bad and dumb and scared to trust for not realizing and not able to tell the difference. for surely we should be able to tell the difference, but we aren’t able to in the dream. we start to learn and get a bit smarter about it, but still, it’s very hard to tell or trust any of those on our light side, because we don’t know which ones might really be the dark side tricking us.

at some point, we realize that the most powerful way to fight is not to call upon our own internal light or internal light of god up in heaven and jesus, but instead to call upon the light of god from above and jesus and use their light and their power against them. i mean in the dream we thought we were doing that all along, but somehow we realized there was a difference and we weren’t fighting with all the power we could have and really in truth, the power that belonged to god up in heaven and jesus to begin with. so then we were using god’s and jesus’s power like that and it was working way better and so we started to spread the word and we started to get lights to come on and have better results. we’re still above and in different areas above this big open area below where the majority of the dark people are, but in different places that we’re at, we encounter dark people too. we are moving from place to place and trying to stay above the huge crowd of dark people, but the dark people have come up and are fighting and they are also trying to get us to be down with them where they can smother us and kill us and surround us. they are trying to trick us to be separated from our light group. they seem focused on us specifically, as though we are the leader and if they kill us and smother us and stop us from fighting, then they have effectively won and the light group we’re with will die too and stop fighting.

there was something very weird that happened that we just got a flash of the electrical kind of flash and weird thing that happened in the dream. we can’t really remember it, but there was definitely energy and electricity thing going on at one point. we mean it was a serious spiritual battle and in the dream it was like we were fighting at one point to not be sucked into this other “state of mind” sort of like maybe deep hypnosis or something, but not that either. and there was this flash of like electricity or something and this feeling of sinking deeper and fighting hard to not do that because we knew only bad would come of that and knowing we had angels or something stronger and more powerful than us helping us to not sink deep into that… but we had to be fighting too ourselves and we were. it’s hard to explain and we hardly remember it anyway so even harder to explain that in the first place.

tired already. the fight worked when we told ourselves and reminded ourselves and others in our light group to use god’s (up in heaven) and jesus’s power of light from above and their resources and not rely on our inner resources of light to fight. it worked way better when we were using their resources. and we were focusing and changing our brain thoughts differently as we fought. especially when they (dark) surrounded us and were trying to kill us and smother us with the dark. we kept focusing and keeping our mind very focused on what we were imagining and not what they were doing to us and not the fears and feelings of what they were doing to us. and even when the dark got the best of us, we remembered the stars in the sky and how they were light and focused on the stars and the stars getting brighter and used the stars’ light to fight when the dark had nearly killed us.

eventually we (me/us and the light group) had nearly all the dark transformed into light and no more dark. but a few times we thought it was done, but had given up too soon with certain people and so learned to do it and fight them long after we thought they were safe and secure in the light. and at one point, we realized we were getting even better and faster and easier results when we started having compassion and love for those in the dark who were clearly in pain or hurting and had bad things happen to them which is why they turned to the dark or thought that was their only choice, etc. and so we started saying aloud compassionate things and our (light) group seemed to be going along with it too. and more and more lights came on in the jail area and the dark people who were now light people, seemed to be freer than before.

and then came the leader of the dark group…after us. it is funny but he appeared at some point as this great big black square with short feet and short arms. at the same time, he was like a black blob that wasn’t entirely defined like that either. i know, very strange. but nice, cause usually we get these ugly demonic type creatures after us and i much prefer a big black square-ish blob. and we fought very hard and used the tools we had discovered– by relying on god’s and jesus’s power of light from above and also by using compassion and love and sadness for this dark creature’s pain. and it worked and interestingly, the black creature thing turned into a baby boy. so then i began holding this baby boy, knowing it still had the dark in him, and kept rocking it and soothing it with love, compassion, and saying things that acknowledged it’s pain and saying how sorry i was that it had been hurt so much. i seemed to know if i could get him to fall asleep, then the dark would be gone or nearly gone and then with some more light pouring in to him, the dark would be totally gone. and we kept focused and when we’d start to lose focus, we could tell as he would start to wake back up more and so we kept holding him, rocking him in our arms, and focusing all the light, compassion, love, sadness for his pain. and he fell asleep.

and i think we woke up after that. or actually i think the dream may have jumped from that to this thing with dogs and a room and other stuff we don’t really remember. i’m not sure. the last thing we really remember is holding this baby boy and looking into his face and soothing him and seeing him fall asleep and knowing we had filled him with light.

okay, that was one weird dream. and yet, we think positive, despite the fight it took. we really hate spiritual battle dreams, but yet it seems like more and more over the years, we’re winning and less fearful and gaining our own power and strength or at least realizing our own and realizing how best to turn to god and jesus for strength and power when we need to do so at the most critical points.

whatever. some inside are getting angry with me for saying all of that. we still have issues with god and jesus. at least some inside do.

so that was our weird dream. and we wrote way more than i thought we were going to be able to do. i guess it is just getting past the initial writing block and then often after we start writing, to get past one more block of someone exhausting us or trying to put us to sleep or give us no energy, and then we end up writing one long ass entry, such as this one.

so that’s it for now. i think this dream was rather telling. we may go back over and highlight in bold or italics sometime later on the key things that are rather “telling” to us.

someone unknown, probably from the others group, julie, julie/s, and whomever else

It involved children, adults, many types of animals, inanimate objects, water, house or building levels, trickery, tongues and colors and types of teeth, and a little bit of magick, as well as pills of some kind.  For the most part the evil was winning the fight, but at the very end, we discovered that under certain conditions we could take a pill after something happened and reverse the effects of the evil and if we did it quietly and carefully we could get enough good ones converted back to good and really use the power of all of us to fight and win, with G-d and Jesus’s help of course.  We had to do it very quietly and carefully and pretend to be “evil” and “converted to evil” but really deep down we are good and fighting and trying to win the battle and not let them win completely.

We also remember that Jesus showed up in the dream unexpectedly–we can remember seeing him to some degree… his clothing and a little bit of his face, but mostly just remember the knowledge that he appeared.  We remember that it was a surprise and big thing and much needed in the dream, but we can’t remember the situation before, during, or after he appeared.  We’re afraid it was a trick, but pretty sure that this time it wasn’t a trick Jesus but the real Jesus.

We woke up before any real resolution one way or the other, but at least we woke up where hope was returning in the dream after we discovered that under certain conditions if we took these pills, that we could erase the bad and evil and return to good and at the same time, hide the good and pretend to be evil around the evil people while trying to spread the good and win the battle.

Us and Julies

We’ve been up all night- again.

Yesterday, on the 1st, after being up all night (31st-1st) and then sleeping during the day on the 1st, we had a horrible dream with a lot of spiritual attacking and fighting and just your general yuck-o kind of thing.  It seems the attacks are returning.  A little different than before, but still stressful and ‘staying’ with us for awhile.

I don’t really know why we’re not going to bed sooner.  I think part of it is that we’ve got ourselves into a bad pattern, but the other part of it seems resistance to go to bed.  Something that we just can’t seem to do in the nighttime hours these days and I really don’t like sleeping on the couch as it isn’t good for our back or comfortable really, although we can dissociate all of that… but still, really need to be in bed.

Our apartment is one gigantic mess.  I saw this coming and kept trying to do something about it before it got like this, but alas, it is what it is.  And it is overwhelming and we can’t seem to do anything about it.  The ones inside who can do this stuff without that many problems are nowhere to be found.  The rest of us have our own issues, depression, etc.

I’ve wondered today how much of it is depression, how much of it is motivation, how much of it is fatigue, or how much of it is learned helplessness.  How much of it is being lazy and bad, and how much of it is something we just don’t understand.  How much of it is payback for delving into dangerous territory with The Function Keys and how much is it about us telling things and hence, punishment by some in the system.  How much is it the stress of moving and how much of it is the fear of moving. (even with some excitement, there are mixed emotions about stuff) How much is it that we have visions and plans of how to make the most of this move and cleaning out our boxes and stuff and thus, gets us closer to living, and as a result and to keep that from happening, we’re being forced to not be able to do anything productive.  It’s hard to explain without going into details and just too damn tired to bother.  We understand what it is.  The constant fucking problem and catch-22 bind.  The freaking programming I guess is what it is.  I mean none of that is real or true for us anyway of course.

Sigh.

We need help and yet there is fear in asking and badness in asking.  It’s stupid and yet we feel so very unworthy of help.  Like we don’t give enough to anybody in this life as it is and so how dare we think of asking for any help.  And if we actually think of asking and then do it, then there is this belief and pressure that we owe them back big time and that causes stress too.  Then there is the constant struggle and battle of “we have to do it on our own” and “we have to work this out on our own,” and like it is some kind of failure or something to need help with this, especially since we know a lot of it is symbolically tied to our inside.

I need to cry and can’t.  Every now and then, I can sense or see that it might happen if we just allow it and let go, but I resist even that.  For that means being on the floor rocking and just breaking down, and just resist that, even alone.  So we distract with mind numbing whatever and avoid anything that might trigger that.

We need to journal in our handwritten journal.  We need to make a to do list.  We need to write down a list of house rules for our system to follow and numerous other things.  We need to begin creating a list of things and begin working out a solution for others to have time out and working on their interests or their top priority and just stuff so that it works more smoothly and with better cooperation and things like that.  But everytime we get close to that, the sleepiness and exhaustion rears its ugly head.  And there is fear, yes, with that too.  Just heard someone say, “want to die.”

I don’t know– just that so often we can visualize or figure out a plan of action, but it never materializes on the outside, and meanwhile, our external life falls apart around us and crisis builds up and ensues.  It just fucking sucks.  Often the plan of action is forgotten or only pieces remembered, but we’ll have this idea, and then those inside who have their ideas– their ideas tend to be forgotten until they show up again at some unexpected moment to chime in on how if we did xyz and that if we did that then they want to do abc, well, then it is remembered.  So it is there… just it isn’t happening.

I need to… we need to… clean this apartment.  We really want to clean a section at a time and then take a picture of it clean, and then start packing that section.  Well… we need to take pictures of this mess too.  Sometimes we have so much shame about it and not sure if we’ll ever keep those messy pictures forever and if we might burn them and yet other times we want pictures of it, so as to have something to look at and see how far we’ve come at some point in the future when things are different and the way we want them.  And we’ve thought about whether to ask for help, not so much help with actual cleaning, but just to have someone be there with us in our apartment… to just help by being there, but then there is so much shame and badness and stuff for how it is just a horrific mess.  And having empty boxes, some broken down and others not, just doesn’t help the situation at all either.

There’s just such a huge sadness and tears nearby and yet we haven’t cried in ages.  An occasionally tear/s springing up in the eyes and getting the eyes moist or an occasional tear slide or two, but no kind of true crying.  And it has felt like we’ve needed to for a long time.  And yet even if the crying were to begin, the minute the thought crosses the brain, “oh we’re crying,” the tears stop abruptly.  And just can’t cry anymore- it’s gone, and the dissociation or switch or whomever made it stop or whatever made it stop is frustrating because clearly we’re aware there was more to crying to be done.

Guess we’re going to go lay down and sleep some.  Maybe it will be different when we wake up.  But I’ve been saying this over and over for days now and it isn’t changing.  I feel like I’m running out of time… at least for our timeline anyway and we have some other things we need to get done asap but it just seems impossible to consider until we get some order in this house first.  But even so, it is just the task of things is feeling pretty overwhelming and no energy and stuff is just winning around here.

This kind of stuff just increases the self-hate so much.

Julie, I guess

overall the theme was another spiritual battle type dream. evil trying to take over and hurt us and other people with or around us and us trying to fight it with Jesus and G-d and stuff like that with our words we know and other things. in the dream it had some weird stuff in it, but also some revealing stuff to it. we had 3 lives… basically reincarnated, and each time we were in a different situation around people and different life of course too, but our job was to fight the evil and oddly, to help others fight the evil too and know G-d and Jesus and stuff. we say oddly cuz we so do not try converting people or anything religious like that. we fought evil against ourselves and others and helped others to do so each life. it was like our mission in life. and we did it.

a lot of miscellaneous weird stuff that is fuzzy to recall and write about. a few things stand out. at some point, the wizard of oz theme came up…it was very clear to us that’s what it was. although there were only some aspects of it that were part of the dream. a big spiritual battle was done with this. the wizard of oz stuff is not odd to see in dream, but surprising and validating, as we have heard of it being part of inner landscape in some way and having a part in abuse, but not really knowing if it was for real or not. didn’t think of wiz of oz stuff at all last night or recently that we know of consciously so the fact it was in dream makes it all the more validating since it was sub-conscious. and the stuff surrounding the use of it connects the validation.

something about a wall (haha) and how one side is the good area and another side is the evil area. how there are these brick road things that i don’t recall being yellow at all on each side (but the evil side one is fuzzy and not sure it is like that), and how the evil side sort of had this like black hole pit thing that could swallow you up…also kind of like a lake or something. it is very hard to describe, because it was neither of those and yet it was something funky and kind of like that. it is also really fuzzy which makes it hard to be clear what it was. what we do know is that we had to sing songs about Jesus and G-d and also say things to fight the evil away and the stronger we got, the more we could go over to the otherside (the evil side). then we would do a little bit of the same on that side, but a brick pavement at a time in a way. we weren’t alone doing this, but i think the number of people (not a crowd either..so not a lot of ppl) would vary. the evil ones… the ones part of the wiz of oz that were there and some others would glower and try to fight it with their powers, but we kept winning. at some point we were able to touch individual bricks with our hands. we would say something and if we didn’t fall through or the brick didn’t melt away, then what we said was true. so we said the following things:

we were sexually abused – brick responded true

daddy sexually abused us – brick responded true

daddy sexually abused us when age 1-2 – brick responded true

daddy sexually abused us from birth – brick responded true (this is shocking to us and extremely hard to believe and don’t believe in a number of ways, despite the fact that on some level the other brick responses and stuff we’re considering kind of validating in a way since well… it is coming from the subconscious mind since it is a dream)

we were ritually abused – 1st time asked, brick responded halfway… true, but it also sort of sank slightly. in a way we were shocked and felt super bad and stupid and really bad for thinking such a bad thing in a way and now there was proof we are crazy bad. it didn’t sink or melt away totally like it was supposed to so we interpreted it to mean that we were ritually abused, but not as bad as some people, which is what we believe anyway to a large degree. but a few others around saw this and said no, that it was because we touched a brick that the evil ones had already touched (and it hadn’t been touched and changed by those of us walking/running across them while singing and fighting the evil and changing the bricks…and all the other bricks we touched with hand had already been changed). so someone said that b/c of the evil attached to the brick, and then we put hand on the brick to ask question, that the evil caused it to sink somewhat. and it was the good and truth that kept it from sinking and melting all the way.

some more stuff happened that we don’t recall really. then something happened where the daddy showed up in the dream. oh yah, something scary happened. there was some kind of natural disaster or something like that… barely remember what it was. just know that our handwritten journals were getting scattered and the parents were around, even the mother, and they got ahold of our journals and were reading them. we were trying to get them back and were frantic and terrified b/c of what was in them and it was stuff that they would be very angry to read about and say it wasn’t true and stuffs like that. and they did get them and read them. think other ppl around them too that not like what we say and be mad too, but that part is fuzzy. we wanted to be dead and not alive if they ever found them and read them. we knew we were dead if they found them and read them. so don’t remember exactly what happened after they found them. but something did.

then the daddy was around. and people were around and he was denying stuff and we were thinking and saying it was true. we were gonna ask when ppl were around and paying attention but the daddy was being obnoxious and so we put our hands on the brick again and asked the questions. and the bricks answered with true, true, true, etc. and the daddy was getting hurt and less powerful and his badness was showing and he was getting scared cuz he knew what was gonna happen. he was going to get sucked up in the badness and get made to go away and not be around us and not hurt us again.

so we asked all the questions up above and they all answered true. not sure if we asked the one about from birth. don’t recall doing so. but the others we definitely asked. after the ritual abuse one came back positively true (this time it didn’t sink at all), then we asked the next question in a stated format just like the others.

daddy ritually abused us. the answer came back true.

when we say ritual abuse we think of sra, but it is always hard to add the s in there, even though we know by word usage and definition, sra and ra is different, though similar in different ways.

we might have said more/asked more questions, but whatever we did say/ask (if we asked more than the above), it came back true. then it was so strong, it made the daddy get sucked away somewhere near the bricks but not exactly the bricks we were around… but he wasn’t far away at all either… and he got sucked away and he disappeared.

then more stuff happened. and around people and not sure if they didn’t believe or if we felt we had to prove it to them or something. and the daddy wasn’t there no more and so at first we didn’t think we could prove it, but we asked the same question/made statements like explained above and with the daddy ones also, and the bricks responded true. these people knew what a true answer would look like and a false answer would look like. so we proved it to them by doing it again. and the bricks answered true again and then we were believed by them. and think we felt some empowerment too maybe. something like we felt stronger and validated and something hard to put into words… and it is also very vague too. and it also feels stronger and true and validated b/c we asked more than once and the answers all came back strongly true. except for that one question in the beginning, but it was explained and backed up with truth, and it responded strongly true the remaining times it was asked.

more stuff happened that we don’t recall. basically a lot more spiritual battling and trying to keep the evil from getting us and hurting us and fighting it with Jesus and G-d and stuff– the words and things we know to fight the evil with.

towards the end of the dream. something about 2 ships. and needing to rescue 2 girls and a boy. they were kids very sad and being hurt and needed to be rescued. the ships had these areas where they were flat and open and you could jump from one ship to the other easily in these areas if they were close enough. (these ships were huge and livable on and stuff, and so these areas you could jump on were flat and open (unlike the other parts of the ship) and so it was a special area) so sometimes the ships were close enough to safely jump without getting in the water and sometimes they weren’t. we wanted to rescue the kids and they wanted over on our ship, one of the younger girls more so than the 2 was braver. we were conflicted and trying to figure out when and how we were going to save them. so the young girl just jumped in the water in desperation and kind of swam… and we reached out as far as we could and pulled her up out of the water with one hand and got her on the ship. we encouraged the other 2 kids to do the same (even as the ships were getting further away from one another). and they did and we got them rescued. a bunch of stuff happened after that… and the kids went back and forth between the two ships as the adults were battling it out. ultimately we won and got them safe.

not sure what all happened, but we woke up roughly after that. or at least we woke up towards the end of this and the last thing we remember is getting them to safety. that’s a nice way to end a dream and wake up. but the dream/s were still kind of disturbing in some ways. i mean i know there is a lot of good stuff in this dream/these dreams, but it was still quite stressful and we haven’t had a spiritual battle dream so directly like that in awhile (at least not that i recall anyway). it might not have been that long ago, but it still feels like it has been awhile. we used to have them happen a lot and relatively regularly. the more we heal and stuff, the less the spiritual battles happen and the less intense they become. we don’t see the actual demons and stuff and other stuff is different and so when the battle happens, it isn’t nearly as bad as it used to be, but it still sucks and is hard and stressful everytime it happens.

The gist is that something serious is going on with her… seems emotional and physical at the same time. Something sort of bizarre if you ask us, as we had not seen something like this before with her. She also was in the process of moving her office and there was this weird thing about a road and how one road to get there was safer than another road. At one point there was a mention of taking the bus as she wasn’t sure she’d be able to drive anymore. Weird is all I can say. What’s strange is that part of the dream indicates it is more city like (hence, the bus option), but another part of the dream indicates it is more like an island of sorts where her new office is and with at least one way that doesn’t feel the safest to travel by to get there, although in some ways it is safe.

There were other weird things that happened. It’s all jumbled up. The basics is that I pass by Wendy in sort of like a parking lot thing… relatively open parking lot that is kind of small, but not too small. Seems like one person is around me and it is Sue, my mom’s roommate. But she’s only in my dream because I have to go pick her up from the hospital today asap and so she’s on my mind to not oversleep too terribly long before getting ready to leave. Anyway, I see Wendy, and we brave up the courage to ask her for a hug, and she seems to think about it for a minute or so, but then agrees. Some inside say she readily agreed and that they noticed that she agreed pretty quickly like somehow suddenly it was okay and things were okay again.

It’s fuzzy at this point. But the dream gets all weird from here. Strange hugs. Graham crackers? and Marshmellows or something (Giant size or something to do with the head for both–weird is all I can say) and then later on, Oreo cookies. I do go see her new office, except it is so “hospital room like” that it is weird to me. That is NOT how her office is for real. Oh yah, and the oreo cookie or two left over was there in that room on the seat and table. There was some more discussion and weirdness because we were taking a long time to talk with Wendy and get a hug and our friend, Sue, was waiting on us, but we knew it would be okay that we spent a few minutes with Wendy. Except that I think it was taking longer than a few minutes, which is odd by itself too under the present day circumstances.

Wendy wasn’t like herself either in the dream. Something clearly was wrong with her emotionally and physically. We finally got up the courage to ask her something about it and asked her if it had anything to do with us leaving (err, her having us leave), and she said yes, and that at the time she didn’t realize it. Her voice was soft and tender and it had a lot of “the Wendy we know” aspects to it. Some more stuff happens that we don’t really recall. At the end of the dream, I think we ask if we can see her now (i.e. for her to be our therapist again) and she says no. We sort of knew the answer, but had to ask anyway. We were both sad and confused, because we knew we were seeing Cec, but wanted to see Wendy too and missed her a lot. I think we were rather mixed up in a way about which way we wanted to go, because some of us were definitely willing to leave Cec to see Wendy again, even though we knew we couldn’t, but we were hoping so.

Some other miscellaneous stuff that is too blurry to make sense of.

At the beginning of the dream (before Wendy I think), something to do about toilets. I swear to G-d we have too many dreams about toilets. At least this time the toilets weren’t gross and nasty (and that is no exaggeration either). Just somehow worried about privacy and I think at some point, hiding in a stall from someone “bad.” Oh and the other weird thing is that at some point the toilet reversed and so did the stall door from the other stalls. So I thought that was weird and obvious to anyone looking for us, but okay, whatever.

Also at some point in the dream, we went into this building with Wendy (that seemed actually a building in the city and shortly after the discussion about the bus). Anyway, she was going to take us to her new office, but we were worried about all the time we had already spent and Sue waiting and we hadn’t really told her it would be a little while. Anyway, Wendy was showing and telling us that it was straight down there all the way to the end and her office was there. We were clarifying with her that it was straight down (because we looked down the walkway and there was sort of an intersection of sorts mid-way where it still goes straight, but first it bends to the right a bit and then straight, and there were other hallways to go down… right and left too). So then we’re like, okay, we can find it. The address is given to us aloud–I think by someone else walking by, but don’t know or remember that for sure. The next thing is being shown her name plate up on the list of info of people renting an office space from the building. Well… the name shown was hers and yet wasn’t her name. It had what I think is her middle name as her first name and then a last name that I assumed and thought of in my dream as her maiden name. I remember thinking it was weird that it didn’t say Wendy up there and her last name was so different. I remember the first name displayed (middle name) pretty clearly though it is foggy a bit and slightly her last name. I definitely have the last name displayed… the last initial that is very different from the name we know her by. Anyway.

I think that is about it. We really do have to go. Strange dream is all we can say. I think we covered all the things that we recall about the dream.

Julies

I had a long, long, dream filled with snakes, and more snakes. Everywhere. About everything. Trying to outwit, outsmart, and get away from snakes. Every kind of imaginable snake. Uggh. And it wasn’t just me, because of course, I was with a group of others, young and old, and we were all trying to get away, hide, outsmart, outwit, and kill these freaking snakes. We were trying to find safety, but there wasn’t any, because every safe place was filled with some hidden snake around the corner (not literally as they were hidden everywhere) or snakes coming after us. It was a horrid dream.

And there was more to the plot, but that pales in comparison to the snakes. Huge, ugly, yucky, very smart snakes. Snakes that eventually somehow magically and disgustingly got inside people. Snakes that began controlling a city of people, but people didn’t know it at first. They just thought things were suddenly back to normal, well, some of them at least. For some weren’t as snakey and bad as some of the other snake people. See these snakes got inside people, and the bad ones (bad snake people), well, they had their agenda. The other ones (clueless snake people), they didn’t know what happened to them, just that suddenly they were awake and things were crazy looking on the outside (like things were messed up by snakes having taken over everywhere, but they thought that was over and now they were putting things back together). So the snakes were now inside people and walking around looking as if people, but they were really snakes. And the bad ones were trying to keep their snake people infestation growing and to keep the truth from the ones who didn’t know about the bad snake people and what was going on. Meanwhile, I/we knew about the bad snake people and I was trying to pretend like I was the clueless one who had a snake in me, but I had to be very careful because the bad snake people might catch on that I was pretending and hadn’t been infested by the snakes and was just clueless. I had to pretend I was stupid and not trying to outwit, outsmart, and prevent the bad snake people from going further with their plans. I knew there were ways to kill the snakes. I knew there were ways to stop them from going further with their taking over the world plan. I also knew there were ways to kill them (the snakes) inside the people but somehow the people themselves live. I just was trying to figure it out. And I had to get the clues and get the information, while having no idea what the answer was, while also appearing “safe” to the bad people, so that they didn’t catch on to what I was up to.

So that was the crux of the dream. Everything else is a blur in the memory. Just snakes. And bad people. And bad snake people who look like regular people. We hate snakes. We also hate spiders and bugs, but especially spiders.

We wrote more but can’t post it right now. So wanted to post this much that we’ve written.