we are here. we are alive. we are exhausted. we are drained. we are okay, yet not, yet okay. we simply are just are. we are.
we think to write here but the energy doesn’t come and something seems to keep us from writing as well. we thought of just making this a place to write snippets of thoughts or ideas or things that have crossed our minds or has happened lately. and yet we don’t write anything, perhaps in the overwhelming ideas of having to write more than a sentence or two about any particular thing, especially the anxiety of leaving out details. and the irony that detailing things causes the overwhelmed aspect and lack of energy for writing. and of course the anxiety and things of leaving out information and leaving it unclear, unfinished, not thorough, not wholly and completely accurate in that it doesn’t provide the complete picture.
we’ve thought of writing and changing things to focus more of our writing coming from us to us and to disengage more from thinking of our readers and make this more of a journal from us to us and less from us to us and readers. thinking and remembering and relaying things to ourselves and at times to readers is often on a continuum. we desire to go back to more of writing for us and pretending there aren’t readers and yet glad that there are all at the same time. it’s so strange and convoluted and confusing. all of it is.
seems stupid and we feel so bad and stupid. for what? just being i guess. just writing this much. not sure we stand behind all that has been written. it’s like writing and saying things but so unsure of what we’re saying and expressing. not sure that it is us and what we’re really feeling and thinking deep down. it feels so subject to change or so unstable or something.
so we will come here again in some time, hopefully in less time than we’ve taken lately, and peek and speak beyond the shadows. it’s been such a very long week.
us, others, and some julies around. sort of don’t know and feel unknown.
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