So I’ve been dealing with a lot of crap. I’ve been thinking about a lot of crap too. Mostly don’t have much time or the energy to say what all it is and some shit I’d have to not say cuz of confidentiality. So anyway, I met our new therapist (Kathy) for the first time yesterday. It went well. Once again, oddly well for comfort level, acceptance, and all that jazz. So that’s cool. We keep experiencing that with Kathy in comparison to other therapists we’ve seen the last few years. So it’s pretty cool and gives us hope that this might actually work out really good with her.
I’ve been learning about myself and especially Julie or The Julies really learning more about me and crap. It’s totally interesting as they are like things I knew about myself and whatever but never really had it cement itself or connect on some level like it is now. And like Julie is really getting to know me way more right now and understanding my triggers and my issues that will get me to react or respond or whatever ya wanna call it. So even though some shit has really hit the fan and even though things have been really crappy and I don’t know what the hell is gonna happen or be decided as far as our system goes about some shit, there is at least some learning taking place. So that’s all good.
We got our computer and stuff moved over late last night from our apt to Sean’s house. It’s been unloaded from his car. So we’ll be setting that up soon. I think that’s gonna make a big difference in writing. I sure as hell hope so cuz crap keeps swirling around inside and we are constantly thinking about writing this or that and stuff and it doesn’t happen. I think we’re getting closer to that changing. Which is so fucking necessary cuz there is just so much crap we’ve been thinking about and processing. So much unsaid and so many issues and things we need to explore and put to rest. So like life is happening.
I decided Saturday that I think Kathy is definitely going to work as our therapist. It’s good I got a chance to meet her face to face instead of watching and checking her out otherwise that way. I was surprised at how relaxed I felt and how quiet people inside were about this or that when I was just chilled and my regular self and not my annoyed or pissy or irritated or whatever self. It was pretty weird. I was way more comfortable being out with Kathy than I was the first time with Cec. Well I got passionate or whatever about some shit I was talking about and so my pissy and bitchy self was there. I mean it’s all me. Just unlike what Julie thought for years a long time ago, I ain’t always fucking pissed off and I’m not always worked up about something and not always blah blah blah about something where people are all, “chill out.” Usually for people who don’t know it’s me, they are all like, “CALM DOWN, Julie.” Eh, whatever. There’s a damn good reason I’m annoyed or irritated or pissed off about something. Ha of course that damn good reason is from my perspective. It’s all about perspectives.
It’s totally weird right now cuz in this latest deal, I’ve been realizing how much I’m “growing up” and changing and shit. I mean I can see that I’ve come a long way from who I was years ago. So that’s kinda interesting. I want to stay myself and who I am or whatever and not have my style cramped by the Julies or Julie cuz I like being me but I guess I’m more open to being sort of different if it makes sense to me or is healthier or whatever. I mean I’ve got all this psych crap stored in here and I can look at shit and myself or open to hearing what people got to say about me if they fucking explain shit to me cuz it is still hard to see myself as others might see me and there’s like basic stuff that I worry I don’t get or understand cuz it’s never been my thing to know or care about it as much since I’ve been all about protection and Julie’s all about people’s feelings and pc shit and way more dynamics than I ever worry about. I stick with the basics and bottom line shit and Julie adds in all this other crap. Okay well fine, it ain’t all Julie that does that. There’s others inside here that do that.
Well I’ve written a book and a half. So that’s it for now. Just wanted to get a journal entry up and to say something.
Billie