Tag Archive for ‘Memories’

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dreams, the good and bad of them

October 31, 2009 at 3:22 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies, others (lc), us (lc) and usz. Tags: , , , , . 1 Comment

Dream with daddy in it. Ick ick ick even though it got good stuff in it cuz we be fighting back a little with words and our hands but still it scary and icky and bad and scary to us. and we gots flashbacks of usz dream and keep seeing him coming at us and what he wearing and his smile and his energy and attitude around him and it scare us lots even in usz flashback of the dream.

This what we remembers and we had it Thursday night um Friday morning day sometime and waked up from it but not write it down but now we writings it down with help from some bigs even though we still trying to talk and use usz words as much as we be allowed.

Scenes we remember. Forget all the stuff befores and after.

Daddy wearing a faded washed lots white t shirt that he wears under his shirts for work. We thinkin he wearing his blue air force pants cuz it not jeans and it just got that certain blue color on them. and he walking towards us with his hands down by his side with the ickies and scariest and yuckiest smile and attitude that he got power and control and he coming at us and he kinda mad at us but kinda amused at us but the kinda amused in the icky way of knowing he in power and control and we gonna try to or we fightings back and he know it not gonna work or nothing. And he walk towards us and we punch him with the strength of an infant a baby, really it barely touched him but we were kinda giving it all we had and kinda not and while doing that we were saying we hate you we hate you over and over and then started telling him he was lots of bad things. the words we remember saying but lots more things was said to him but the words we remember when we waked up is: you are scum of the earth. you are a piece of snot.

and we thinkin maybe we waked up after saying stuffs to him or maybe stuff happen and we not remember and then wake up. oh and we be all sweaty and stuff cuz we had a bad dream and it like a bad dream but not a bad dream cuz it be good things we do in bad dream. we NEVER EVER that we remembers ever tell daddy in usz dream that we hate him and he is a piece of snot and scum of the earth and lots of other bad things to him. and we never ever hit him in usz dream. and it be all new lately that we be dreaming and see him in usz dream cuz usually it juts lots of bad peoples or bad men or bad peoples that we not know or not recognize or not can see good sometimes and it all new the last year or two or maybe three years that we have dream where daddy show up sometimes and we not like it at all.

even ifin it be good the bad people turning into people we know and daddy be in dream and even if it be good we facing him and telling on him in usz dream cuz we had a dream about that before a few or more months ago and even if we be having those good things cuz of what they mean it still be a bad and scary and icky dream and we still got all ptsd and flashbacks of that stupid dream cuz we see him coming at us with those clothes just like he in front of us for reals right now and that smile and face and it all big in us mind and memory and all blowed up so big and scary and we notta like it at all and we hate it and we are bad and scared and bad ands it just scary it all changin and maybe he know we gots this dream and he be mad and sad and mad at usz and we just bad bad bad bad bad bad

the other part of dream or another dream around same time or maybe we go back to sleep and then wake up with this dream but it bother us but not so much flashback like the daddy thing but it still really clear this scene we remember. something happened or was going on that we can’t remember and we can’t find sean or zoi and we needs them and we looking for them and then we finally find them. we see zoi first and we so sad cuz at least 3 of her paws and bottom part of her legs are wrapped up like they be hurt and she not can stand or walk even though she was sitting up when we find her and we hug her and as we hug her we see behind her that sean is there but our memory of that part of dream is blurry and hazy and we woke up after that.

we just remembers that there another dream or scene we had too cuz we sleep and wake up and sleep lotta lots today friday during day and now it late friday night um saturday morning and so it confusing when we had what dream and what order but we think it lotta like this order we write. so we be in california on the afb we lived at and we going back there to visit as a grown up but still feeling little like a kid and the houses be all torn down and we remember that is what we found the last time we went back there. so the houses were like that and we were trying to remember or figure out what street was “our street” that we lived on b/c they had not only changed the street names when they destroyed the old houses and rebuilt entirely, but they also changed the layout of the neighborhood and so we were trying to figure out the approximation of where our old house stood and as we are doing that lots of kids of varying ages and military police began surrounding us but they were at a distance, like behind the walls of the backyards and just in general surrounding from various areas of the homes, streets, sidewalks, etc, but at a distance. more and more military police began coming closer to us in a surrounding formation and we were aware and yet trying to act innocent and stuff. i think we were sort of on a small kid bicycle or maybe a scooter or something, not necessarily just walking. and one of the mp’s got our attention and we stopped and we started to explain we used to live there and we were visiting and as we were looking past him and behind the walls of the backyards of the homes, we were trying to explain and tell him, see, this is the road to the main gate and this is the road to blah blah but in the process of looking and about to explain to him that we knew the area, things about it looked even stranger. we started to explain how it didn’t look right, the road didn’t look right and even the area behind the tall walls that were between the backyards and the road to the main gate that the grass was strange and that it was big and juicy and not grass but something else. in doing research for this, found out that it is actually Carpobrotus edulis (Hottentot-fig or iceplant). so we were trying to explain this when we were looking to our right (the opposite direction of where the main gate is supposed to be) and suddenly noticed water, lots of it, like the ocean was right behind the homes and it was moving as though it was stormy. then as we looked further to our right, we could tell that it was going to flood and overpower the homes and streets and that we had to move quickly to higher ground. we said something to that effect, hoping that the mp’s and the other people (mainly kids, teens, women) would start running quickly with us, behind us to higher ground, because we/i knew it was coming, this big flood of stormy ocean water and it was dangerous, but i remember thinking as i was running to my left and towards higher ground that suddenly appeared conveniently in my dream, that they didn’t believe me even though they saw it and it was so obvious and right in front of them and was going to head towards them. at one point while we were running and had reached the bottom of this huge mountain or cliff of dark brown gigantic boulder rocks that created a rocky, but climbable mountain that we looked back to see how close the water was to us and it was definitely heading toward us but we had a little bit more time to still get high enough for some kind of safety, although we knew time was seriously running out and we were going to get hit by the ocean/flood/stormy water before we reached the top, but we felt like we’d make it. i only remember in the dream focused on reaching the top, but i think there were others who eventually started running behind me and heading the same direction. i think (but not positive) that this is when we also started looking for sean and zoi and after reaching the top and then going into some kind of building, though the image of the building or any of that isn’t very clear… just i know it was some kind of enclosure that was very dark and it felt damp and cold, and then that’s when we found them and we were so relieved because we were missing them, needing them, worried, and wanted to be close to them for safety and security for all of us. i think we woke up shortly thereafter.

so some strange and intense dreams with lots of symbolism and some obvious or likely dream meanings to be found in them. We’ll probably write another entry about our thoughts on these things in a little while.

Time was spent researching and trying to find out what kind of grass or plant it was and when we discovered it was a type of ice plant that used to live behind the tall brick wall behind our house that separated our backyard from the ice plant, then the sidewalk, then the main road leading to the main gate and other parts of the afb. Anyway, now we are ‘bigger’ and that feels nice as we feel more stable being grown up at the moment since we’ve been primarily very young and struggling to be ‘big’ at all these last few days.

Julies, but earlier us, usz, and possibly some others

Forging Ahead In Memory Work

June 18, 2009 at 1:42 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies, others (lc), Us and US (all uc). Tags: , . 4 Comments

We need to write about stuff. We keep thinking about it and we know a few things we should be writing about and know that we need to do so and yet the exhaustion and overwhelming sleep urges keep us away. I think we’re only able to write this much because we are simply not saying anything really at all.

Someone/s inside started telling about a memory in a story format and 3rd person format and information was revealed that way when we laid down one night and started searching within and thinking about a particular memory we’ve had for a long time now and trying to find the truth about what really happened amongst tiny pieces of stuff. Basically we were trying to find out if we were a willing participant in a memory involving what we believed to be abuse and whether we wanted these things or was agreeable or something. Like to what degree are we responsible for this and do we really have the right to feel and think and believe it is abuse because maybe it wasn’t and we just had a reaction to it and need to believe it was abuse because it is safer to believe it was abusive than face the reality that we were some fucked up little kid at 7 and 8 years old that was willing and instigating and wanting intercourse and anal sex and oral sex and everything else adult oriented sex wise with some other kid a little bit older than us. Except in doing the 3rd person and someone inside recounting a narrative of what this part or that part saw and observed and was thinking and feeling, etc., we’ve learned (thus far) that we weren’t willing but we were definitely reacting in a trained manner of giving him what he wanted because “that’s what you do.”  (sarcastically) Why thank you father for all those previous years of training.  Why thank you to the others who were and had been abusing us, if ya know, we’re not making up that SRA and other crap. (end sarcasm) So we are coming to the realization that even though (thus far) we don’t recall specifically saying, “no” in this particular memory, the thoughts, feelings, worries, anxiety, and other things we recall thus far do indicate that we didn’t really want to do these things, err…sex acts.  Yet we also knew that he wanted these things and there was some sort of inner knowledge or belief or something that we didn’t think we could say no or that it would do us any good, or there were other reasons we felt we had to do this stuff, although we tried in other ways to get it to not happen. We were actually more focused on other things and the mother and our fears, anxiety, and so forth of some other stuff than over what we had to do with him. We’re not really being specific here. All of this is still hard to fucking write, which is so frustrating to some of us, because some of us want it to be no big deal, but it is a big deal.

So the sadness we’ve been feeling is deeper than before. Perhaps it isn’t so much sadness as it is grieving or perhaps grief stricken sadness.

So okay, we’ve said this much.  We’re hoping we’ll be able to at least write a narrative or 3rd person viewpoint of sharing the memory and then after that, to write it more from the first point of view from others inside.  We’re doing all that we can to steadily keep working on these memories that we’ve had for many years but never gave them the attention they needed and deserved, and certainly minimized them greatly… until now that is.  Well, not minimizing them like we’ve done in the past.  We’re seeing now more than ever before that these “basic” and “bits of memories we’ve had for many years and thought since we’ve known about them for so long they don’t really matter that much and aren’t that critical to work on in therapy,” really do need our attention and there is tons of healing and issues surrounding them.  OMG, we totally realize the depth of issues and shame and things and deeply regret not having dealt with them on this level ever before this and barely dealt with them period the past 16-17 years of therapy, but we are dealing with them now.  We’re finally ready.  The negative repercussions of never having dealt with them and not being ready and not giving them the attention that these memories and this hurt and pain has deserved all these years is just really hard to take.  A lot of regret and a lot of negative feelings and thoughts to self/ves for having waited this damn long to finally look at this stuff and realize it needs a shit load of healing and that this is where we need to start with in regards to doing memory work.

So well anyway, this stuff sucks and is damn hard to do and to keep looking at and working through.  We’ve never kept our attention and focus on any one healing subject matter for so long like we’ve had lately over this.  It is never far from our mind or heart and even when we’re dealing with something else that comes up in therapy or life, we still keep returning back to this subject matter and that is a first for us.  We’ve always had such competing agendas in therapy and yes, that stuff is still happening in therapy and thus we keep jumping from topic to topic to issue to issue to blah blah blah in therapy and in life and what we’re focusing on, but the difference is that there is one overall riding issue that continues to remain in the near background or right upfront and that is the memories and issues surrounding the neighbor boy that abused us.  We haven’t even gotten into the stuff regarding his older brother.  There is one memory by one insider who has a sadistic memory of his older brother abusing him (insider) with the neighbor boy watching and there.  Uggh.  Not sure what, if any, other memories lie with the older brother of the neighbor boy.

We’ve got to get the courage to say first names.  Fuck it.  Why protect them? Why be afraid of this? Why does it matter so much? Why not just say the names?

So anyway, yah, whoopee, in some ways our system is agreeing (for the most part) and working hard to cooperate and to keep focused (more or less) on the memories and issues surrounding the neighbor boy.  We are trying really hard to work through these things and have healing over it so that we can let it go and move past it and for it to not have its horrific grip on us and for the shame, the utter and deep shame and badness that stems from his abuse and what we did, for it to be healed and for it to not have its tragic hold on us and on our life.

I heard inside someone say, “The End.”  Not sure what that is about but anyway, we’ve got to go.  We’ve said way way wayyyyy tooo much.

Us, US, Julies, others

Therapy Nutshell

May 23, 2009 at 10:19 pm. Written by (and/or talking about) Julie/s. Tags: , , , , . 0 Comments

We are exhausted. We had therapy today, initially an unplanned appointment. We really made use of the appt. though and made some more progress on talking about the neighbor boy memories. We still can’t quite say or write his name aloud, but we’re getting closer to doing so. We are trying harder to push ourselves to say his name in therapy and with Sean and group. I figure one day we’ll end up going back and at least tagging these entries with his first name.

It is shocking to me and sad and grief giving as to how many years we’ve been in therapy (17 years this August) and we’re just now really and truly talking about the memories of abuse by him and really making a concerted effort to stay relatively focused on this topic and the memories and feelings and thoughts that swallow us up in such misery. Hell, in many ways, I’m just now giving myself permission to realize how serious the abuse by him was and how much of an impact it has had on us. On one level I kind of knew, but we have consistently minimized it or avoided it like crazy to not really feel things about it or acknowledge the traumatic level it has had on us. Since we’ve known about these memories or rather basically pieces of various memories, we’ve really downplayed it as something to work on because we’ve known about it for so long now and we’ve mentioned a few of them to therapists in really generic terms before, but we’ve never really dealt with any of it on any real level. We are now. And it is so hard.

Someone is mad and saying I’m exaggerating about all of it, but I’m not. I don’t feel anything right now about it, but I know there are kids inside with immense pain about all of this. They were there in therapy today. I don’t remember much, but I remember they cried and crying comes easy to the ones who showed up in therapy.

This Wednesday is the last day we see Cec and so we will be saying our final goodbyes to her and we are still completely unprepared, but hopefully we will sit down and write a letter to her or at least set up an outline for ourselves to make sure we tell her the things we need to tell her, etc.

Therapy with Kathy is going very well. We are moving along with her relatively quickly and are very focused on trying to make the most of the time we have with her each time we see her. We are also working on trying to stay focused on our therapy issues and the things therapy brings up for us and trying to problem solve stuff like that in the background while dealing with the shit that comes up from facing memories and our past.

It sounds like we’re working our ass off. I’m not entirely sure about that. It helped that Kathy said we worked very hard today and I think she’s made inferences that we’ve been working hard with her. It also really seems like we did some releasing of some toxic stuff inside and some deeper processing and release of emotions and things like that…. the kind of stuff those inside…especially those from the us and usz groups… are always needing and crying and desperately craving the time and chance for…. and today a few of them were brave enough to come forward in therapy and do some of that work.

I’m surprised we wrote this much as the exhaustion is pretty strong right now. We haven’t really had a chance to take our usual nap after therapy or any real downtime until now. We just needed to say something, even if it isn’t really saying much of anything and is so general… at least we are making ourselves write something. I honestly thought we’d only write one or two sentences, but once we got past that first hurdle, we ended up writing this much.

Really need to go for now.

Julie/s