trying to sleep. oh so trying to sleep. we were laying there checking inside, feeling the inner pain, and just stuff. the urges were so so so very strong to cut. so very close to really doing it and it has been so long. the urges steadily there for the most part on a continuum but haven’t actually done it in quite some time. we think.
don’t want to be bad but oh the urges and need is so very strong. it is always well most always at our wrists, especially left wrist. from the inside out it burns and desperately craves and needs pressure, cutting. so then we wonder why there again. why only there in this one area and practically in certain spots on the wrist and what is behind that. sometimes the heart but it is the wrist and certain place on the wrist. no other places on the body work. it means nothing and seems to do nothing. just this one spot and sometimes the heart, but nearly always the wrist. so we wonder again why, what is it about the wrist. why there. why not anywhere else. oh if only somewhere else then we could do it cuz we could hide it so much more. but it does nothing anywhere else.
and we heard from someone inside, “we are bound to them.” a sudden awareness, insight flying forward with it, accompanied by shock, disgust, and this need to vomit. inside we can feel the wretching happen but the body did nothing but lay there while we felt the body have a reaction to someone inside throwing up. we saw their body wretch and we saw them throw up nothing and we felt the body feel the someone’s body feeling of throwing up. but nobody would know if they be watching us on outside. we are never to show dishonor so the body doesn’t show it.
they are so mad we are telling. they say so very mean and attitude of as if that is true and we don’t know nothing and shut the hell up and shut the fuck up and nothing happened, it’s not true, over and over she goes again.
so we don’t know. since we was wondering we are thinking maybe the crazy brain made it up and just trying to trick us. we know about tricks. that we learned hard. so our brain can trick us. they say our brain could be crazy and trick us into believing things that aren’t true. so we always wonder if maybe our brain wants to hurt us and trick us into thinking things are real and true and accurate and from our subconscious which would mean supposedly that it is true cuz it is coming from there. except what about the subconscious having a conscious that it don’t know about and you don’t know about and so when you get the info you think it is all subconscious but instead it is some conscious subconscious that is purposefully tricking you and thinking crazy things and you don’t know it cuz your regular conscious isn’t doing it that much you know and you think the info is from your subconscious and so must be true since you know you aren’t making it up. except the info is so bad and crazy and just can’t be real and just has to be made up somehow and the only somehow left is a conscious subconscious that wants to trick you and make you think bad and wrong things and be crazy and so much more.
and all the things we said up there they just can’t be true. and we are just crazy and bad and being tricked.
but some secretly inside think it is true. some of it at least. but it isn’t, it isn’t, it isn’t.