Tag Archive for ‘PTSD’

dreams, the good and bad of them

October 31, 2009 at 3:22 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julies, others (lc), us (lc) and usz. Tags: , , , , . 1 Comment

Dream with daddy in it. Ick ick ick even though it got good stuff in it cuz we be fighting back a little with words and our hands but still it scary and icky and bad and scary to us. and we gots flashbacks of usz dream and keep seeing him coming at us and what he wearing and his smile and his energy and attitude around him and it scare us lots even in usz flashback of the dream.

This what we remembers and we had it Thursday night um Friday morning day sometime and waked up from it but not write it down but now we writings it down with help from some bigs even though we still trying to talk and use usz words as much as we be allowed.

Scenes we remember. Forget all the stuff befores and after.

Daddy wearing a faded washed lots white t shirt that he wears under his shirts for work. We thinkin he wearing his blue air force pants cuz it not jeans and it just got that certain blue color on them. and he walking towards us with his hands down by his side with the ickies and scariest and yuckiest smile and attitude that he got power and control and he coming at us and he kinda mad at us but kinda amused at us but the kinda amused in the icky way of knowing he in power and control and we gonna try to or we fightings back and he know it not gonna work or nothing. And he walk towards us and we punch him with the strength of an infant a baby, really it barely touched him but we were kinda giving it all we had and kinda not and while doing that we were saying we hate you we hate you over and over and then started telling him he was lots of bad things. the words we remember saying but lots more things was said to him but the words we remember when we waked up is: you are scum of the earth. you are a piece of snot.

and we thinkin maybe we waked up after saying stuffs to him or maybe stuff happen and we not remember and then wake up. oh and we be all sweaty and stuff cuz we had a bad dream and it like a bad dream but not a bad dream cuz it be good things we do in bad dream. we NEVER EVER that we remembers ever tell daddy in usz dream that we hate him and he is a piece of snot and scum of the earth and lots of other bad things to him. and we never ever hit him in usz dream. and it be all new lately that we be dreaming and see him in usz dream cuz usually it juts lots of bad peoples or bad men or bad peoples that we not know or not recognize or not can see good sometimes and it all new the last year or two or maybe three years that we have dream where daddy show up sometimes and we not like it at all.

even ifin it be good the bad people turning into people we know and daddy be in dream and even if it be good we facing him and telling on him in usz dream cuz we had a dream about that before a few or more months ago and even if we be having those good things cuz of what they mean it still be a bad and scary and icky dream and we still got all ptsd and flashbacks of that stupid dream cuz we see him coming at us with those clothes just like he in front of us for reals right now and that smile and face and it all big in us mind and memory and all blowed up so big and scary and we notta like it at all and we hate it and we are bad and scared and bad ands it just scary it all changin and maybe he know we gots this dream and he be mad and sad and mad at usz and we just bad bad bad bad bad bad

the other part of dream or another dream around same time or maybe we go back to sleep and then wake up with this dream but it bother us but not so much flashback like the daddy thing but it still really clear this scene we remember. something happened or was going on that we can’t remember and we can’t find sean or zoi and we needs them and we looking for them and then we finally find them. we see zoi first and we so sad cuz at least 3 of her paws and bottom part of her legs are wrapped up like they be hurt and she not can stand or walk even though she was sitting up when we find her and we hug her and as we hug her we see behind her that sean is there but our memory of that part of dream is blurry and hazy and we woke up after that.

we just remembers that there another dream or scene we had too cuz we sleep and wake up and sleep lotta lots today friday during day and now it late friday night um saturday morning and so it confusing when we had what dream and what order but we think it lotta like this order we write. so we be in california on the afb we lived at and we going back there to visit as a grown up but still feeling little like a kid and the houses be all torn down and we remember that is what we found the last time we went back there. so the houses were like that and we were trying to remember or figure out what street was “our street” that we lived on b/c they had not only changed the street names when they destroyed the old houses and rebuilt entirely, but they also changed the layout of the neighborhood and so we were trying to figure out the approximation of where our old house stood and as we are doing that lots of kids of varying ages and military police began surrounding us but they were at a distance, like behind the walls of the backyards and just in general surrounding from various areas of the homes, streets, sidewalks, etc, but at a distance. more and more military police began coming closer to us in a surrounding formation and we were aware and yet trying to act innocent and stuff. i think we were sort of on a small kid bicycle or maybe a scooter or something, not necessarily just walking. and one of the mp’s got our attention and we stopped and we started to explain we used to live there and we were visiting and as we were looking past him and behind the walls of the backyards of the homes, we were trying to explain and tell him, see, this is the road to the main gate and this is the road to blah blah but in the process of looking and about to explain to him that we knew the area, things about it looked even stranger. we started to explain how it didn’t look right, the road didn’t look right and even the area behind the tall walls that were between the backyards and the road to the main gate that the grass was strange and that it was big and juicy and not grass but something else. in doing research for this, found out that it is actually Carpobrotus edulis (Hottentot-fig or iceplant). so we were trying to explain this when we were looking to our right (the opposite direction of where the main gate is supposed to be) and suddenly noticed water, lots of it, like the ocean was right behind the homes and it was moving as though it was stormy. then as we looked further to our right, we could tell that it was going to flood and overpower the homes and streets and that we had to move quickly to higher ground. we said something to that effect, hoping that the mp’s and the other people (mainly kids, teens, women) would start running quickly with us, behind us to higher ground, because we/i knew it was coming, this big flood of stormy ocean water and it was dangerous, but i remember thinking as i was running to my left and towards higher ground that suddenly appeared conveniently in my dream, that they didn’t believe me even though they saw it and it was so obvious and right in front of them and was going to head towards them. at one point while we were running and had reached the bottom of this huge mountain or cliff of dark brown gigantic boulder rocks that created a rocky, but climbable mountain that we looked back to see how close the water was to us and it was definitely heading toward us but we had a little bit more time to still get high enough for some kind of safety, although we knew time was seriously running out and we were going to get hit by the ocean/flood/stormy water before we reached the top, but we felt like we’d make it. i only remember in the dream focused on reaching the top, but i think there were others who eventually started running behind me and heading the same direction. i think (but not positive) that this is when we also started looking for sean and zoi and after reaching the top and then going into some kind of building, though the image of the building or any of that isn’t very clear… just i know it was some kind of enclosure that was very dark and it felt damp and cold, and then that’s when we found them and we were so relieved because we were missing them, needing them, worried, and wanted to be close to them for safety and security for all of us. i think we woke up shortly thereafter.

so some strange and intense dreams with lots of symbolism and some obvious or likely dream meanings to be found in them. We’ll probably write another entry about our thoughts on these things in a little while.

Time was spent researching and trying to find out what kind of grass or plant it was and when we discovered it was a type of ice plant that used to live behind the tall brick wall behind our house that separated our backyard from the ice plant, then the sidewalk, then the main road leading to the main gate and other parts of the afb. Anyway, now we are ‘bigger’ and that feels nice as we feel more stable being grown up at the moment since we’ve been primarily very young and struggling to be ‘big’ at all these last few days.

Julies, but earlier us, usz, and possibly some others

The Belief Factor (my other brain is against me) Part Two

May 7, 2008 at 1:25 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Jillie, Julie-In-Pink (JIP), Julies and others (lc). Tags: , , , , , , , . 0 Comments

I don’t recall what we were thinking or planning on writing next after we completed Part One earlier today (now yesterday).  I sort of feel like what is left to talk about is the actual memory or visual picture(s) we are seeing.  And in a way process out what is so hard to believe about it.

*** (in very small writing and a small voice) i’m very terrified of being wrong.  i don’t want to accuse him of doing something he didn’t do.

*** This particular memory or visual picture(s) is the only thing that equates to what some inside view as “real sexual abuse” and not just “inappropriate behavior.”

Basically many inside discount and minimize the other stuff that we recall and know for sure happened–we do not doubt those things at all.  Although if I was real with myself, I would recall that when these memories (the ones now referred to as not real sexual abuse) surfaced about my father, they were very distressing and I/we had a very hard time believing them.  If I allow myself to go back in time and try to remember what it was like to just have those memories surface, and the unrealness about any of it, and difficulty believing it, etc., etc., then really what is happening now isn’t all that different.  Those memories that we had flashbacks of years and years ago (that we now just give little attention to as though it wasn’t that big of a deal– fucked up, yes, but not distressing to the degree it used to be and to the degree that other flashbacks or memories other kids inside have about other stuff is for them).  Anyways, those memories sparked huge PTSD stuff in me/us and it just about broke me in trying to come to grips with it and believe it and realize what my father did to “me.”  And now I give such little credence to it.  I forget that those flashbacks weren’t readily accepted as truth either, just as we’re dealing with this now with this new flashback.  Everytime I write “we’re dealing with this” and use the plural form, someone inside pipes up and gets annoyed and ??whatever the word is that I’m looking for?? and basically lets me know that it is me and plural doesn’t completely apply here.  That the usage of plural signifies the majority of us and that isn’t the case as they know it and knew it and didn’t have the issues that I had.  And frankly then I want to get snippy back and say that it wasn’t really “me” back then as it was Jillie and Julie-In-Pink, but I don’t know where Jillie is now and Julie-In-Pink (J.I.P.) is merged with me (although I think she split again, but I think she is merged back with me… not sure totally).  Anyway, so technically if J.I.P. is merged with me, I suppose that still makes it ‘me’ in a sense and applies more directly to me, even if it doesn’t feel like it was me back then first experiencing all of this.  At the same time, on some level, I know it was me, whilst on another level, I don’t feel as though I was part of that time.  That I wasn’t the main fronter at that time.  For that matter, I’m not sure if I was even around at that time.  I think I may have been created later, but not wholly positive.  I feel stupid for not knowing for sure my origins, but I’m just not sure that I’ve been around all along.  Sure– I take on the “Julie” identity and that is my name, but that could easily have been incorporated into my being and creation as an adult.  I guess really I don’t identify that much with having been around as a child and I don’t identify with it as my childhood or having a childhood.  Yes, intellectually I do and intellectually on an emotional level when it seems like I’m supposed to, but not really, and even that (intellectually on an emotional level) it really just isn’t there at all.  Okay, I side-tracked here.  I have to go look and see where my original thought was that I was trying to write about and tell.  Uggh, so hard to tell and describe the flashback stuff.

*** There’s been very little of any flashbacks of actual sexual abuse acts involving my father.  Years ago, I had 2 separate flashes of what I believe were moments just before an actual sex act happened and I’ve always struggled with believing what I just “knew” happened afterwards in a very broad manner.  I guess I’ve always pushed back hard against the visual stuff that ever crept forward in connection with those 2 particular flashes.  Aside from definite sexually inappropriate behavior (but no touching) involved, and aside from the seriously inappropriate and disgusting kiss he did to me in broad daylight in broad view of any neighbors when I was between 11-13 years old, there just hasn’t been any flashbacks involving actual sexual acts.  There was one very general flashback that a poem was written about from it, but I’ve really never considered it a memory as it is just so very far away from me, unreal, and just different than the other flashes.  So this particular flash is significant in that it involves sexual abuse in the form of a sex act by him.  And it is specific in a way.  It isn’t as far away as the poem memory is, but it isn’t as clear as the other flashbacks of sexually inappropriate behavior are.

There’s been a fair amount of other things that have led me to believe he sexually abused me.  Just saying that makes me want to put quotes around the “me” part because it wasn’t me, because I just wasn’t around during the time he was abusing us, me, whatever.  Fuck.  Insiders have had their own distress and referred to things, said things, etc., but at the same time, not a lot has been actually said in any detail about the father.  There’s been a lot of focus from the time that we lived in California and the neighbor boy/s and cult (if applicable to us).  I know my father abused me during that time too, but there’s been virtually no memory identified (that I’m aware of) with that state with him.  It’s been the states before and after that one.  I sure as hell know that he didn’t just stop mid stream.

So I guess we will try part three in trying to actually say it aloud in words.  I don’t know, maybe we won’t be able to do it.

Julies and others around

Bound Inside

August 6, 2007 at 10:12 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Julie. Tags: . 5 Comments

I’ve come here several times to write the last 2 days or so, but I can’t seem to write anything.  I know there is much to write about– it’s just that it seems stuck inside right now.  I’m tired and worn out emotionally.  We’re hanging on, but things just seem to be out of whack.  I’m also experiencing a ton of hypervigilance at home–keep hearing sounds that someone is coming into my apartment via the door or sliding glass door or window.  I experience panic and body freeze while trying to decipher the sounds and where they are coming from, while also trying to filter out the fear and determine whether there is real danger or not.  The sounds seem to be noticed whenever I’m trying to sleep or asleep (and wake up), irregardless whether it is daytime or nighttime.  It just seems like all of this is heightened and more intense and stressful lately.

There’s more but it is stuck inside for now.

Julie