Tag Archive for 'Sadness'

Just Another Morning

Published
by
JAGA
on October 1, 2008
in Julie
. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , .

I need to go and get my Medicaid taken care of today at DSHS as it really needs to be done this morning, particularly if I want to try and see Cec today. We’ve been out of therapy since the beginning of September. That is never good for us at all. We called DSHS yesterday and the final part on their end had been taken care of and so all that was left was turning in a bill for our spenddown. We were realizing as well earlier this morning that we probably don’t have that many more times that we can utilize this bill before all the portions of it are used up for the spenddowns, at which point we won’t be seeing Cec anymore. So more pressure and a push to find someone privately that we can make payment arrangements with and someone that takes Medicare. There’s other reasons besides that one that we need to find another therapist, but that is one of them.

We’ve been awake since 5 or 6 am. The last two nights we’ve woken up after only a few hours of sleep. Tried falling back asleep, but then finally got up. Now we should be getting ready to go to DSHS to get this done and make a phone call to Cec to try and see her today. She didn’t return our call from last week to make an appt with her. This bothers us, but we’re trying to give her the benefit of the doubt until we can speak with her– something Wendy taught us and that we’re appreciative of.

In some ways it just seems easier to wait another week to see Cec and take care of this medical stuff tomorrow or Friday. In other ways I know we really, really need therapy right now. A lot of stuff is going on and therapy is just so very much needed.

All we want to do is to go back to bed and hopefully sleep, but I know that means we’ll probably be in bed until this afternoon. We have so much to do around here, business oriented stuff and personally, and yet we seem to only be able to do a little bit a day and sometimes not much of anything. I feel depressed and sad and something… something I recognize so very much. My heart aches inside and I feel the weights of so many things that I’m carrying. And sadness, such deep sadness within.

Such is life.

Julie

just need to

Published
by
JAGA
on September 8, 2007
in Uncategorized, julies (lc), others (lc) and us (lc)
. 3 Comments Tags: , , , .

i want to write small because i feel small and bad and stupid for saying this. for harping on it. for making it a big deal. for saying too much about it. for talking about it too much. for just everything i’m not supposed to do. for everything i’m not supposed to be.

for talking about it and proving it isn’t true for saying too much about it. for being a baby about it. for making too big a deal out of it and so it just proves how untrue and unreal and how much we just want attention and we’re being melodramatic about it all. for just again, for just being. for just everything bad that pores from our cellular body and just spreads everywhere around us.

for just.. just… oh how i must stop now. try to express this and precursor it so that people know we know. so that we have said it and that those of us that are going to say it, so that the others know we know it. that we haven’t forgotten. that we know it. and we’re going to say it and be bad anyway.

just this memory has gotten a hold of us. a hold ahold what is the spelling and word we’re looking for. and shit, i said, “memory.” it’s not. it’s not. it’s just a stupid fucking story. nothing else. but yet tears escaped. emotion escaped from nowhere or i guess really somewhere.

Continue reading ‘just need to’

So the body is alive

Published
by
JAGA
on July 14, 2007
in Somebody and others (lc)
. 4 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , .

So we’re alive. Of course we would be, right? Someone inside sarcastically says yah, “Oh it’s “Julie”, she’ll be fine.” And so therein some sort of sadness and ?resentment? lies, and yet, whose fault is that? Mine. Ours. The mask we raise for our sanity and for everyone else’s protection against us. Nobody wants to see us crazy and screwed up royally. Yah says someone- “Save that for therapy.” And someone else adds, “The reason therapists get rid of us, tired of us…” Just as soon as I heard that, then it was taken from me, and I could only write the gist of the faint voice I heard.

Continue reading ‘So the body is alive’