Big breath.  We need to leave tonight to go to our mom’s house to stay overnight for the next several days as my brother has had Noah for a week vacation.  We visited yesterday to celebrate my brother’s birthday but now we need to go and hang out and visit with Noah.  My brother couldn’t get Tues-Thurs off work so I need to be there to babysit those days– at least my brother can go in very early and get off early from work so he can have more ‘daytime’ to spend with Noah.

I just wish that when things are disorderly in our life, that the anxiety and disorder stuff didn’t follow us so much.  I try to let it be okay to just let it go and let it be and we’ll deal with it when we get back, but it is very hard.  I don’t know– we’re finally rested enough to maybe tackle some of our to do stuff right now that will lower anxiety, but I don’t know how long we’ll be able to keep up with it.  Sean and I took my brother’s dog, Oakley, with us to his place to babysit and acclimate Oakley and Zoey together as well as the other two dogs in the house (Sean’s roommates have 2 dogs).  But that’s getting to be a job in and of itself as sometimes the dogs are cool with one another and sometimes they aren’t.

Anyway, we should go.  We just needed to write something.  Was going to twitter something, but that didn’t seem like enough and we’re just so overwhelmed right now.  yah we can be all okay and seem fine on the outside and yah even those Julies can think they’re fine enough like usual hard stuff and not know all the hard stuff or they can disconnect from it or whatever, but it is hard and we are overwhelmed and i don’t know. it’s too hard to put into words.

we just want things to be a certain way and trying to get there is so hard. trying to be there is so hard.  it is exhausting and overhwhelming and so much anxiety.  we want to be better but there’s so much to do for that to be real and true in a real and true way and not a fake way.  we keep thinking if this or that was better or this or that was like this that we’d be able to cope better with stuff. that we could cope better with leaving the house and being away from the house for a long day or days.  that we wouldn’t have so much anxiety and we’d be dealing with life stuff so much better. but what if that is all just illusion and stupid thinking of if only this or if only that.  what if it won’t be that way whenever we finally get to that spot.  what if we’re lying to ourselves and just think it will or hope it will.  i think we need that hope because if we knew it wasn’t going to be any better if this or that was this or that way, then i think we’d be very hopeless and want to die because we don’t want to live with so many limitations that we have and certainly not all of these limitations that we have now… we don’t want that for the rest of this life we’re leading.  but i guess we worry that it won’t be better in the way we think it will be better someday when we get to xyz space and when xyz is done and then what… then what???

we gots to go. so overwhelmed and tired and hate that we always get like this before going away from the house for an overnight anywhere.  hate that this happens when we’re going to spend time with noah for a long period of time.  we love noah a lot and now there is hunter too and we hate that we feel the overwhelmed feelings and exhaustion and anxiety.  we have a good time with them– we do. and we’re fine around them for the most part, but wish all the stuff getting us ready and getting us there wasn’t so incredibly hard.  the hardness is what makes us so late in getting there and being there from our original plan or goal to be there at such and such time.  it takes so much out of us.  we want that to be different some day.  we need it to be different someday.  it’s just so much.

the anxiety can make it hard to breathe inside.  someone can kindof breathe okay outside but inside it gets all tight and cramped and fluttery and shallow breathing and terrible and so so bad.  and it makes us just want to go hide and stay away from everyone and everything and from doing all the things we’re supposed to do. and that only makes us bad and badder cuz we end up not doing what we said we’d do and we hate that cuz that’s not good and being really late and that’s not good either.

sigh. we’re having a hard time even if we’re okay.  some inside can be okay cuz that is their job and that’s what they do and that’s who they are.  but the rest of us, we’re not okay. we’re just not.  and we can’t seem to have those two connect or for us having the hard time, we can’t seem to make it okay to talk or really tell or really deal with it a whole lot these days.  therapy just doesn’t seem safe enough or something. our system setup just isn’t allowing it.  we’re glad we got a chance now, but lots of times we can’t really talk or tell or deal with it too much.  so much is being shutdown and trapped and not totally sure why, but think there’s a therapy safety net that is missing.  it makes us miss wendy so much.  and i heard that dragon was missing her a lot.  like he wants to be able to talk to her and those surrounding the memory he has and their memory too, they want to do this next part with her.  dragon has never met anyone else but wendy on the outside, at least that i know of.  well, except for when he was created and maybe if they used him for other stuff or something like that. but not anyone else since we started doing the healing journey and therapy thing.  so it is this big deal for him to trust anyone else and just, wendy was so sweet and special and good to him.  she made him feel appreciated and valued for what he did to survive and how he has been there for the system and stuff.  she made a connection with him.  this is more like intellectual-knowledge memory and not so much actual memory, but there are tears suddenly here from somewhere while we write.  so maybe those are dragon’s tears or someone else’s tears from inside.  so i think the words i said are valid and true and meaningful.

we really do got to go.  trying to not fall asleep again but we might and we might be bad that way. i don’t know. uggh.

Julies and julies and maybe some others around

After therapy we went to our car that was parked in a small parking garage with few cars and few people coming in and out.  We laid down across the front seats and dozed/napped for 2 hours.  I had this bizarre dream that included a bunch of our personal papers and other personal stuff that we were trying to keep close to us and with us and we had far too much stuff compared to the other girls we were around and with, and anyway, at some point, we were separated from some of it and it was scattered and strewn about and even in the middle of the street for cars to drive over and for it to fly away.  At some point we were in the middle of the street trying to gather it up and dump it all together as quickly as possible together and then we had to somehow get it up to the house where we were staying, but it was going to be bad to do so, because we weren’t supposed to have all this extra stuff and there wasn’t room for it anyway, but we still had to have it with us, because it was so deeply personal and attached and connected to us.  There were a variety of other scenes in relation to our personal stuff but those scenes and info are really hazy and so I don’t want to try and describe them.  Plus there was some other stuff in the dream, but that’s the biggest piece that I keep remembering about it.

I think we’re getting closer to telling and writing here about Dragon and what happened to him.  It seems more of his memory and what happened to him has spread throughout the system and there is more of an ‘acceptance’ of sorts that it is real and true, although whenever we go to tell someone inside (hmm, meant to say outside, but that’s an interesting Freudian slip), anyway, whenever we go to tell someone outside (like our group or to Cec or thinking of writing it here and telling here), there is an immediate surge of some others inside that are quick to shout (more or less) that it is untrue and it didn’t happen, etc.  And yet, strangely, (though someone inside disagrees and says it isn’t strange and explains to me why it isn’t), that 9-10 years or so later since the initial memory of Dragon, that there is greater belief by many inside that it is true than there was years ago, and even say several years ago.  We also hear those inside strongly asserting that it didn’t happen and it isn’t true, etc., whenever we begin thinking more about it and trying to get ‘closer’ to Dragon and his memory or simply thinking more on it and trying to connect to that past point in time.

If I allow myself to feel and not push hard against it and not run from it… if I inch my way towards it yet carefully trying to not have it suck me in like a vortex ready to suffocate me, I can feel deep sadness for Dragon.  I am sad with what happened to him.  It is still very dissociated from me and I am unable to relate in virtually any way that it happened “to me,” because it flat out didn’t happen to me.  It happened to him and to any others inside who were part of that moment in time before, after, and perhaps during.  His story, his creation, is just so sick and wrong and sad.  Sadness that something like this could happen to such a young boy/dragon.

One of the things that someone inside uses to try and convince those of us who believe his memory is the age and time reference.  I vaguely recall on a knowledge level only that when Dragon’s memory was revealed and we learned that he was a young boy or boy dragon or shape shifter or half boy and half dragon (it’s still kind of unclear), that he was 5 1/2 or 6 years old.  For some reason, I keep thinking he said or someone spoke for him and said he was 5 1/2 years old.  And so someone else inside always discusses how what if Reed and Doug didn’t live there when the body was that old and thus, it couldn’t have happened at that age.  But then someone else inside reminds others and says that the body could have been older but Dragon may have been created as a younger age for some reason, irregardless of the body age.  After all, alters/insiders can be created with ages far beyond the body’s age at the time of their emergence within the system.  I don’t know.  I wish I could ask my mother to see if she recalls or if there was some way I could find out.  There might be a way since their family was in the military like ours and we know the entire family’s first and last names.

And then of course, there’s the whole thing about finding out and learning that Doug and Reed and their family were living there when we moved there or at least moved there shortly after we moved there and thus, it matches up with the body’s age and what I’ve come to understand or hear about from those inside.  And then all the abuse becomes that much more real.  Of course, I’ll be wholly confused and thinking I’m totally fucked up and wrong and screwed up if I discover that they moved there years after we did.  I know the abuse happened, I mean, I really do remember that.  They were definitely living there when I was 7 years old, and pretty sure when I was 6 years old too, because I remember my brother turning 5 years old and he was all excited about spending the night at Reed’s house when he turned 5 and there’s a picture of him the day/night he left for his first sleepover.

So anyway, we think we’re getting up the courage to tell Dragon’s story and his creation and memory.  We apparently have had the courage to say Reed’s name and even Doug’s name aloud to our group and again today with Cec.  Usually we just say the “neighbor boy” and “the neighbor boy’s older brother.”  That’s always felt safest and often, just hearing Reed’s name would cause anxiety and icky feelings to emerge.  Thankfully it is an uncommon name and to some extent, so is Doug’s name.  So amazingly, we are ready to say their names and enough inside are ready to tell and have this secret shared and known and heard.  So perhaps tomorrow or the next we will dip our toes in or jump all the way in.  I’m not sure.

Julie/s (and others or ??? around)

We thought about writing a list of random journal topics to sort of put out there… there certainly is plenty of them, but that seems to be too much at the moment.  So I guess at least we’re saying something even if it is fucking nothing really.

We’re quite overwhelmed and stressed this week due to a number of things.  The body’s birthday is this Sunday the 13th.  This body will be 33 years old.  Our nephew, Noah, will be 10 years old.  It’s hard to believe how many years have passed with him.  He’ll be 11 1/2- 12 years old when we marry and a teenager when we have a child/ren.

I can’t quite tell if there are issues surrounding this birthday year.  We’ve had stupid programs or fears or other things to have come up over the last 3 years, but it’s been quiet in terms of my knowledge and awareness of things regarding all of it.  When I try to inquire within, I just get stonewalled.

There’s another huge programming issue of life and death and changes, healing, etc. that we’ve struggled and battled with for years.  I’ve noticed that it has either gone deep underground or we’ve possibly found a loophole in the programming shit or simply the whole adage of “love conquers all,” which is allowing for healing and the ability to process and work through these things and get past the blockages that we’ve constantly been up against no matter what angle or manner we’ve approached this big and deep issue to living or dying or living but dead instead of living and thriving.  This is vague, but we know exactly what it is about and will someday write more about it with a bit more clarity to it.

Things are still amazing and wonderful with Sean and his system.  We can’t begin to describe or explain how compatible we are with one another in so many ways.  Our relationship is just so comfortable and has been from day one.  It’s as though we’ve known one another for years and again, just comfortable–that’s the best keyword to describe it.  It’s unlike any relationship we’ve had before, although we’ve had very few and far between due to our avoidance or unconscious vibes of “stay the fuck away.”  Even still, it is miles ahead of our only other very serious relationship, which was with Chris, our ex-fiance’.  The nice thing is that we’ve had dreams and experienced other things indicating that insiders are letting go of Chris quickly and connecting well with Sean (and all).  There have been some inside and well, in the past, a fairly large number of us, who’ve held onto the dream and only positive aspects of our relationship with Chris, versus some of the reality stuff and negative aspects.  This has changed dramatically and it’s been very eye-opening to see some stark differences between the two, especially in the area of true and sincere acceptance and cherishment.  And the largest area being loyalty and trust– we have no question about trusting Sean (and all) to be honest, faithful, and also trustworthy in private matters (i.e. he won’t go behind my back and speak to my mother about private things we share with him, etc.), and just so many things.  Overall, we could go on and on about Sean and all and how much we love them and how incredible things have been in our 3 1/2 months together thus far.  There is also a lot of awesome news and things to share in regards to our wedding for July 2010, although he still hasn’t asked the big question.  We just finished designing our engagement ring and both wedding bands earlier this month or at the end of last month.  I forget exactly, but irregardless, it’s just been fantastic and full of symbolism and excitement, and the surprise will be when he/they ask me/us to marry him/them.  The biggest thing we’d like to say is that we’ve explored and analyzed and looked at things the best that we can, and we’ve determined that our relationship with Sean is much more than merely the “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship.  We’ve looked at that and considered that, and we both agree that there are stark differences that are absent that are usually there in newly formed relationships and instead we have something very similar to what seems like would occur months or years down the line in a relationship, and this just basically happened almost automatically and certainly very quickly and in a short time.  Being with one another is just so comfortable and normal and so… hmmm… wish I could find a word that describes it fully, but I’m still at a loss in the ability to describe exactly what I’m experiencing.

I think the other thing I want to comment on or add is that we’ve been noticing or at least it has been perceived and wondered and pondered about how this odd thing of LOVE and having our OWN FAMILY (even with it being Sean (and all) right now), but somehow between the power of Love and the power of creating and having our own Family and joining his family which is so very loving, accepting, encouraging, and safe, etc., this just really seems to be greatly affecting things inside in positive and weird ways.  It’s shaping things to be looking so much different right now.  I honestly don’t know what to do with it.  I guess there is a renewed hope for healing and the ability to see that it may actually be possible to really live a life that life on earth was meant to be about… living and having the desire to live and survive and to experience living instead of always just surviving or dying while alive and wishing for death but still breathing or simply the walking dead.

Okay, originally titled this Sluggish Writings but then we ended up writing about all this love and relationship stuff and so just adjusted the title to something dumb really, but too tired to really think of anything remotely creative.

Until Later and Thank You All for the support and patience and kindness that our friends and readers send to us.  We appreciate it.

Julies (and all)

I seem antsy today and anxious, but not entirely sure what it is about.  Last night, L.J. and some of the kids were emotionally upset and very sensitive to just normal communications with Sean’s parents, his roommates, and Sean.  They were just positive that they were terribly bad and had done stuff wrong and kept doing stuff wrong by simply speaking and saying things and voicing opinions and getting excited about stuff.  Anyway, Sean helped them through it, but in the process, L.J. said some of the kids were triggered by the way Sean and us were sitting in our chairs and stuff and the way Sean was sitting.  Really frustrating and dumb stuff because we know Sean et al is/are safe and yet stupid shit has to happen like that.  And L.J. was upset and sorry for saying it, but she said she was saying it cause she heard and felt what the other one/s were thinking and feeling.

Sigh.  So there’s that, but additionally, last night there were some talking in their own language aloud while we were cleaning the shower and alone and they were upset.  This was just before L.J. and some of us spoke with Sean about being upset and feeling bad, etc.  And within the past week, there was some very intense talking aloud to one another while taking a shower and it was all in their own language.  I don’t know what was said in either their language or the English translation.  I could tell though and have the intellectual knowledge memory that they were definitely having intense conversation and feelings because of the vocal inflections and various things like that.  Something that even without understanding another language, those things still come across pretty clear to us.  So clearly those from the otherside are around, except this group that’s been talking in their language… it seems like they are the group we’ve noticed before that speaks the same or similar language as those from the otherside and darker, but this group that’s been speaking recently, they aren’t dark (or as dark) and they have a very different energy feel to them, but yet they speak either the same or very similar language.  And this language they speak is not any foreign language that I’ve ever heard of.  I don’t know if it is some cult language or if it is our own made up language or something.  I’ve sometimes wondered if it was just the brain making up total crap and shit in the moment each time, but I’ve noticed before in the past and have been astonished when certain phrases are repeated from time to time.  It astounds me, even though of course it would be this way, but still, it astounds me that I can’t recall or repeat these phrases that often show up amidst other things said.  And yet, months later when it has been pretty much silent to my knowledge, they’ll come out suddenly and speak emphatically about something and talk aloud and say these phrases among other words they say and I’ll hear them momentarily and realize that hey, I’ve heard that before, but then within seconds afterwards, I’m unable to recall it.  But then, that’s my life and so it really shouldn’t surprise me or be that astonishing and yet it still amazes me.  So then I think that if certain phrases haven’t been voiced for months and months reappear amidst other things being said, that perhaps it isn’t a bunch of bull shit made up in the moment vocal sounds of some bizarre strange ass language.  I truly have a hard time explaining what this language is or sounds like.

In the past we used to try to write down immediately what was heard, even if we could only remember a piece of it here or there, and just write it down phonetically.  So we have a lot of scraps of paper with it along with a compiled list one time of some of the phrases.  We need to be doing that again as it seems like there’s a lot of new stuff that I don’t think is on the list.  I wish someone inside would translate, but nobody in here seems to know or be willing to share or able to share any kind of English translation.

And so I’ve/we’ve sidetracked.  We have therapy today.  Someone inside sarcastically said, “Yay.”  Sigh.  That’s another area where things aren’t going so well.  I know we’ll be talking about it with Cec, but the energy involved in doing so along with the energy involved in having to find a therapist, well, it sucks and is draining.  But we have to find a new therapist as Cec just isn’t working out for us, even though she is a good therapist.

I need to go for now, but we’re going to write more– we really are going to work on getting back to our every other day or few days or sometimes daily writing.

Julie/s

To call or not to call.  To send a card or not send a card.  Thankfully we don’t have the problem of “to visit or not to visit.”

This year it is complicated by the most recent memory which has really made an impact on our system for a myriad of reasons.  So there is more tug to ignore him and avoid him instead of doing the expected or “right” thing or “nice” thing or something like that.  I sense there is at least one insider who always reverts to “it will hurt his feelings” and will feel the impact of his assumed feelings and pushes for us to do whatever is necessary to not hurt his feelings.  I guess she sees the human qualities in him and his fragile self or something.  Another told Cec in therapy this past week that she hated him.  I’m not sure that I really have any feelings about him or toward him one way or the other; it seems I’m swayed whichever way those inside I hear or sense the most at whatever moment in time.

Not doing anything will just increase our anxiety as time passes and add tension within the family dynamics.  We went through the worst of that years ago and perhaps we wish to avoid it because it took a lot out of us at the time.  It is one of the reasons Julie-In-Pink was created– she was determined at whatever cost to make sure we followed through and continued on the healing path, irregardless of the family pressure and abuse we received for breaking the secrets, going to therapy, support groups, etc.

For a number of recent years, we’ve been sort of “hiding” and ‘getting by’ this day, his birthday, and other holidays by trying to purchase a card ‘from us,’ i.e., my brother and I.  This year my brother bought a card and it was one of those record your voice kinds and he took care of it and sent it off before we saw one another and so I wasn’t able to add my name to it.  I found another funny “us” card that was very basic and saw my brother today and he signed it with me and so we seem to have agreed to send the father a funny card that is extremely basic.  Yet every time we think about sending it, I hear someone inside basically ranting about sending him a fuck you card or imagining and planning a way to create cards specifically for people who come from abusive and dysfunctional homes but are still in a situation where (for whatever reasons) they choose to send a card.

Someone is also wanting me to explain that because I have this reputation or this kind of sweet spirit that is mushy and gushy in a number of ways, that a) people expect that of me and b) I often pick out those kind of cards… though not always.  So while it could be a solution to purchase a very simple and generic card or a funny card all the time, it still triggers the one inside (or someone like her) who identifies with his humanness and frailties and his feelings and she says he would notice the detached kind of card that is nearly blank with a Happy Father’s Day message to it, and hence, that would hurt his feelings, because he knows we aren’t “like that.”  That other people would get other kinds of cards and that this was a ‘bad card,’ to send him because it isn’t personalized or anything really.  Sigh.

So I’m sitting here with this dilemma and impending decision that needs to be made soon if I’m going to call tonight.  He’s 3 hours ahead of me and it is already a little after 8:00 P.M. here.  My brother called me just before we began writing this entry saying that he had talked to dad and that dad was asking about me.  Dad was wondering how I was doing and what my phone number was– he doesn’t have my new address or phone and my brother doesn’t have any of it memorized as he just uses the caller ID function and hasn’t plugged it into his phone and stuff.  I could tell I was sounding resistant to calling dad and my brother was trying to be really non-pushy about it and saying “if I wanted to,” etc.  He said he was sure dad was thinking of his kids today of all days.  I realized I wasn’t expending the energy on the phone to hide and cover my resistance and lack of excitement over calling dad and so I actually told my brother why.  I told him that I was divided over whether to call him because I had a recent memory.  I left it at that, but my brother knows what I’ve accused the father of doing.  Oddly I started to write “my father” and realized that was out of place because he is also my brother’s father, clearly.  We have this odd habit of doing that too regularly in writing or speaking– (saying my mother and my father)— when my brother is part of the context in some kind of way and I find that interesting and wonder what it means.  I wonder if it is a system thing because some inside don’t want the “our” aspect to be construed as meaning them when it is supposed to mean our brother and I/us, or if it is some really weird family dynamic thing where I have my parents and my brother has his parents.

So shit.  We fucking don’t know what to do.  It’s getting later and later.  Some want to not deal with it and think about calling tomorrow.  Some want to not call at all.  Some think we should call.  Some want to call and get it over with.  Others want to go to bed and hide under the covers and “think about it” and make a decision there…. and this is the comical part because that is a supposed type of thing that is supposed to happen but instead it will lead to sleep and then when we wake up it will be in the middle of the night and too late to call him then.  So then we’ll be right back at the dilemma problem again, though we might have a little bit more headway on a decision… but it would only be the decision of the moment that would change again at any time or in the future when faced with this situation once again.

Uggh.  This shit sucks.

She knew she was taking a chance, but she tried to be aware of when it became too much for the system, and yet be unaware of the abuse, as though she had no ties to it and it binding her to the past that she so desperately didn’t want to acknowledge as being hers and owning her.  She smiled and giggled at the control of pleasing and teasing him, and at the idea that she may have conquered this sex act after all, instead of it torturing her and forcing her to surrender.  She continued onward and continued to push away those thoughts, those intense feelings, those memories that kept creeping toward her.  She wasn’t going to let them take over and win.  It was 2008, not 1986, not 1978, nor 1988.  But she had gone too far this time.  This time she was succumbed by a new visual memory instead of just sheer emotions and young children tossed forward in a triggered state unaware emotionally of what year it was, their safety, the reality of today and an adult’s body, etc.  All they knew then and still know is that anything sexual is bad and that they are inherently bad, dirty, and disgusting.

The memory involving her father came and she knew she had to stop the oral sex.  To this day, it remains a blur as to how it all swelled forward in an overwhelming fashion–she who thought she had it under control, but didn’t.  Once again, the past controls her, owns her, tortures her with its indelicate right.  So she stopped, whilst trying to believe this new memory.  She held the feelings, the newness of the memory within her.  She knew it was safe to tell him, to seek comfort, and yet she felt it was bad to do so.  The timing of it was off.  For just the night before, he had his own flashback terrors, nightmares, and support needs.  It would be bad of her to freak out now with her own stuff, especially the night after his difficult time and also knowing he was still struggling with his own new flashback.  She knew that keeping this memory and struggle to herself was unhealthy and a relationship issue to analyze and discuss together, but she couldn’t push herself past it, and so she remained silent– something she knew she could do well.  She tried to not show any problem to him– only that she was “done” with oral sex on him even if he wasn’t finished.  She tried to show her love to him by laying close to him.  To this day, the time after the memory is a blur.  She doesn’t know what really happened in regards to lovemaking or if it stopped.  She only knows she stopped the oral sex.  The next thing she recalls is laying next to him dealing with the memory flashing over and over, and turning on her side to fall asleep, though she didn’t fall asleep.  It wasn’t unusual for her to be on her side because of her back issues and her natural sleep position anyway.  She just silently cowered within herself and her/their system began to process the new memory in the mostly shared memory space.

She desperately sought ways and ideas to disbelieve the memory.  After all, she knew that giving oral sex was a very triggering thing to do and she knew she had to take heed in being aware of her limits and the system’s limits.  Therefore, her mind could have simply “made up” without her knowledge a reason and a memory as a way to “make sense” of the trigger and having pushed past the limits.  She wanted to believe this and yet this memory was specific.  It was in her bedroom in Arizona and her bed was in a certain position (she rearranged her room there from time to time).  But then she tried to reason and rationalize that a lot of her memories with the father are from Arizona, so perhaps the brain just resorted to the room in Arizona and her bed in that position.  Yet, she had to acknowledge that Arlena (or so she thinks it is her) had written a few years back about her attempts to prevent the father from getting her, and the bed was in a different position in that room along with an entirely different comforter set.  The bed in this memory was located elsewhere with a different bedspread on it, although she fought hard to point out that the memory is very dark and only shadow outlines, though very clear outlines. Yet she had to acquiesce that the sexual abuse happened at the time in the middle of the night, and hence, darkness would shroud the memory.  Though she would like to argue that we always had a nightlight working all those years growing up.  Even still, she eventually had to realize that none of this negated the truth of the memory with the father.

Along came the need to expunge this memory from its gripping terror and constant reminder upon her soul.  The children inside were beside themselves, especially without any therapy, no therapist really to rely on.  They decided they would mention it at their support group and see where it took them.  The children ended up telling the memory in group, complete with emotions and switching commonly held and allowed only for one-on-one therapy with their therapist or when the body was alone.  They received necessary support from their fellow survivor friends, from their partner, Sean (and all), and the Julie and the Julies who wished the memory to not be real or true, they slowly began to realize the depth of the emotions and how wrong it would be to deny those children within their truth, memory/ies, and feelings.

And alas, we are here at this point.  A point at which we seek to find (and know we own) a photo of our room at that time revealing the bed, the bedroom of Tucson, Arizona many years ago.  We are also at the point of telling the memory and sharing the thoughts of those inside that have thus far shared their thoughts and feelings.

Until later…

we got this memory that more than one of us is thinking and knowing about and really the brain is just making it flash over and over like a record player with a video on it instead of sound on it. cuz there is no sound in the memory that we got. not yet at least. we don’t usually have any shared sound for anything anyway. it gets lost or taken away someplace inside. and it feels like the brain is trying to make us do something with this stupid memory with the dad man and it is all terrible and yucky and horrible and we’re making a big deal over it and need to stop talking about it. but we are bad and can’t cuz we got to say something even if we’re still too scared to write it and some inside keeping us from writing it here. we almost falling asleep cuz they been trying to make us sleep and not tell and we be fighting them but we don’t wanna make them mad by telling now. and the bigs wrote a post about Noah and stuff that not posted yet cuz they wanted to think of a good title but i don’t think they are going to do that very good in thinking of one. i think they are going to have to give a dumb title like i’m going to give this post a dumb title.

and some inside keep screaming and saying no can write until we tell our love story and stuff and so we need to sit and write that but it gets all big and huge of a story cuz there is so much to tell and so then some say just write it in little bits with part 1, 2, 3 or something like that but then others say no, only can do that if we write it all at once or close to all at once and separate the posts so that people might read it instead of it being one huge long post versus 3 small medium posts. and well the talking and debating and opinions go on and on. that’s only some of them. and that’s how it be for so many things. and i’m tired.

and we can’t stop thinking and remembering and flashing on that memory and we try to keep pushing it away or distracting or blanking the mind or something but something else keeps tugging and making us go look at it and it is just so scary to look at and to feel anything about it. i think someone is trying to get us to feel and process it or whatever that stuff is called cuz they are trying to do something therapy or something on it with us and i can tell. just something i can feel and remember the same feeling before when we get a bad memory and it all upsetting and hard to believe and hard to remember and want to throw up and all those things that happen.

and the mother lady teld told Julie about the father man and stuff and she learned about bad mean and kinda evil stuff he do to the mom and it make it even more real to the ones inside who don’t like to believe the dad man did things to us and when we learned about that other stuff it ain’t that hard to stretch it that he would be a bad dad man who would hurt his daughter bad and icky ways. so the ones who have hard time believing bad stuff about the dad man are thinking maybe it is more true than they did before cuz of what the mother lady told and we know it is true cuz we just know she telling it pretty much or like it was. well the stuff she said anyway. there’s stuff unsaid about growing up with her and the family and stuff but stuff between her and the father man is true we think and not much missing. at least not for the stuff she said. the times she was telling us about.

so we got to go and sleep or something to get energy to do stuff and fight the ones who put us to sleep cuz i don’t know why they do it. to help i guess. and maybe we just make it up that there are ones inside who put us to sleep and it just something that automatically happens and it is easier to think we are fighting people inside doing it to us instead of some physical or other crazy unknown psychological reason that we can’t even fight. it still feels like we’re fighting something that gots peoples behind it. at least some of it. maybe not all of the reasons.

some us, some others, and some other others kinda sorta, hard to say who all here