we don’t mean to be bad. we been trying to not talk about the bad stuff so much. it just hurts and makes us sad and we can’t stop thinking and remembering that memory that got showed to Julie. i don’t think it got told or showed to everybody in here but i know some peoples finded out about it cuz things go through the grapevine. like Julie hears and learns stuff from L.J. that she wouldn’t have if she didn’t have a connection to L.J. and so and so knows this part or that piece and it just passes through. and I think now that memory is in our shared fact space and that makes it even more ickier and sadder too cuz we don’t want it in the fact place and the shared place. it’s not supposed to be there. it’s supposed to be hidden and secret and not seen and not told and not true and not fact and not real.
we got this memory that more than one of us is thinking and knowing about and really the brain is just making it flash over and over like a record player with a video on it instead of sound on it. cuz there is no sound in the memory that we got. not yet at least. we don’t usually have any shared sound for anything anyway. it gets lost or taken away someplace inside. and it feels like the brain is trying to make us do something with this stupid memory with the dad man and it is all terrible and yucky and horrible and we’re making a big deal over it and need to stop talking about it. but we are bad and can’t cuz we got to say something even if we’re still too scared to write it and some inside keeping us from writing it here. we almost falling asleep cuz they been trying to make us sleep and not tell and we be fighting them but we don’t wanna make them mad by telling now. and the bigs wrote a post about Noah and stuff that not posted yet cuz they wanted to think of a good title but i don’t think they are going to do that very good in thinking of one. i think they are going to have to give a dumb title like i’m going to give this post a dumb title.
and some inside keep screaming and saying no can write until we tell our love story and stuff and so we need to sit and write that but it gets all big and huge of a story cuz there is so much to tell and so then some say just write it in little bits with part 1, 2, 3 or something like that but then others say no, only can do that if we write it all at once or close to all at once and separate the posts so that people might read it instead of it being one huge long post versus 3 small medium posts. and well the talking and debating and opinions go on and on. that’s only some of them. and that’s how it be for so many things. and i’m tired.
and we can’t stop thinking and remembering and flashing on that memory and we try to keep pushing it away or distracting or blanking the mind or something but something else keeps tugging and making us go look at it and it is just so scary to look at and to feel anything about it. i think someone is trying to get us to feel and process it or whatever that stuff is called cuz they are trying to do something therapy or something on it with us and i can tell. just something i can feel and remember the same feeling before when we get a bad memory and it all upsetting and hard to believe and hard to remember and want to throw up and all those things that happen.
and the mother lady teld told Julie about the father man and stuff and she learned about bad mean and kinda evil stuff he do to the mom and it make it even more real to the ones inside who don’t like to believe the dad man did things to us and when we learned about that other stuff it ain’t that hard to stretch it that he would be a bad dad man who would hurt his daughter bad and icky ways. so the ones who have hard time believing bad stuff about the dad man are thinking maybe it is more true than they did before cuz of what the mother lady told and we know it is true cuz we just know she telling it pretty much or like it was. well the stuff she said anyway. there’s stuff unsaid about growing up with her and the family and stuff but stuff between her and the father man is true we think and not much missing. at least not for the stuff she said. the times she was telling us about.
so we got to go and sleep or something to get energy to do stuff and fight the ones who put us to sleep cuz i don’t know why they do it. to help i guess. and maybe we just make it up that there are ones inside who put us to sleep and it just something that automatically happens and it is easier to think we are fighting people inside doing it to us instead of some physical or other crazy unknown psychological reason that we can’t even fight. it still feels like we’re fighting something that gots peoples behind it. at least some of it. maybe not all of the reasons.
some us, some others, and some other others kinda sorta, hard to say who all here